Chapter Four - Addendum
Set towards the end of Season One
When Kolya ordered the Genii soldier to cut his arm, he was determined not to break. But he did. All the memories came rushing back; of Anubis, the torture, the pain, the fear. It wasn't the cut that broke him, he knew that; it was the past that he'd hidden deep inside, followed quickly by the guilt and self-hatred for spilling his guts.
When, a day later, Elizabeth and Sheppard tracked him down and cornered him, he hadn't been happy. They wanted him to talk about what had happened, and he really, really didn't want to. He wanted them to leave him be.
And a year ago, hell, even a few months ago, he would have clammed up and pushed them away. But not any more. His barriers had been breached, first by Elizabeth, then by Carson, Sheppard and even Teyla.
It wasn't fair of them, to befriend him like that.
But they had. And he'd let them.
So when they cornered him, he tried to bluster and misdirect them, but found he couldn't. Instead, he spilled his guts for the second time that week.
Which led to appointments with Heightmeyer and threats of being removed from duty if he didn't cooperate with her. Again, not fair.
She dissected him piece by piece, bit by bit. Say what you like about Heightmeyer, but she knew her trade and wasn't fooled by any of the tricks he'd used in the past to fool other, less skilled psychiatrists. She got to the bottom of his fears and guilt, about Anubis, about Kolya; about himself. And then she helped him to put himself back together, to accept what had happened and move on from it.
It took time.
And now there were other more pressing fears; the Wraith would arrive soon, and their defence was… laughable at best. He'd even found himself agreeing with Kavanagh, of all people, but Sheppard and Elizabeth seemed to be of the persuasion of 'never say die'.
So he'd keep working, keep looking for the solution; he'd hate to let them down. And it would be a shame to die just as he felt he'd truly started living for the first time in his life.
The End