Sometimes I wonder if some people have the choice to die or not. Like when they're slipping into the black, hearing voices from reality, and finding warmth in death's encircling arms, do they choose the easier option? Because it would be a whole lot harder to fight death than to embrace it.
I like to think that Derek didn't have a choice. That death took him instantly. Because I know that if he had the option, he would fight like hell to continue to live. I mean, he even came back as a spirit of some sort, just to finish what he hadn't on earth.
I love you too.
The words echo in my brain, pulling me closer to death's clutches, the black looking incredibly comforting. Derek. Isn't that all I want? To be reunited with the boy I had loved for so long… that I still love. If I live, won't things only get worse? His voice, his words forever circulating in my mind, calling me to him. Will his ghost never cease to haunt me? I realize I will never be able to get Derek out of my head, my heart. Why would I? Ever since he stepped into my life, it had been changed for the better. The pranks, the fights, and the insults… I wouldn't have it any other way. And secretly, I loved it all.
The darkness feels so warm, so near. I can't even feel the throbbing in my head anymore. I don't even feel real anymore.
But just before I leave my body, one last pain shoots through my pulsing brain. If I was conscious, I would have screamed, the pain overwhelming, searing through my skull. And then… voices.
Shit! Didn't some teenage boy crash here a while ago? They need to fix this damn road! Call 911, quick!
Such a tragedy. Those poor parents, losing one child right after the other.
Did she do it on purpose?
We're doing our best, ma'am. Please, you have to go to the waiting room. You can't be in here right now.
Oh my god… Casey! No! Why? WHY?
You don't have to forget… in order to be happy.
And I'm trapped between white and black, both Derek and Ralph's words spinning in my head. Or is that just dizziness?
Suddenly I'm thinking of my family, of teary-eyed George, and a bawling Mom. Of Lizzie's wide eyes as she finds out another one of her siblings is dead. Of Edwin as he finds out that he's now the eldest child, his Adam's apple sliding down his throat as he gulps, the news hardly registering in his brain. Of Marti, her screams echoing in the house as she demands to know where her Smerek and Casey have gone… and why they're never coming back. Of the new baby, entering the world with a broken family. His tiny eyes never knowing his big brother or big sister.
And then I think of Ralph, my new friend. How strange is it that we found solace in each other. Ralph and me, of all people? All I know is that I'm so glad we found eachother, that I found someone to talk to who doesn't judge me… Who comes close to knowing exactly how I feel.
And then I think of Queen's, of dancing and studying and laughing. Of hugging Lizzie, joking with Edwin, tucking Marti into bad, holding the baby.
Death is easy. Death is selfish.
I fight for the light, feel air reenter my lungs. Tears roll down my face as I take in a great shuddering breath, the pain in my head consuming me. I think I might have shrieked out loud.
"Her vitals… She's waking! Oh my god. It's a miracle!"
The walls are white. Everyone is dressed in white jackets and scrubs. There's this bright light shining right in my face. For a moment, I wonder if I died.
But then a doctor leans over me, the same one that told me my stepbrother was dead.
"Welcome back, Casey." he says, smiling. "Welcome back."
"Holy hell. That was like the scariest phone call of my life."
I'm trying really hard not to laugh because it hurts my head so much. But admittedly, it has gotten better over the past few days. The whole family had come to visit me, much to the nurse's dismay. Four smiling faces, one of them that of a heavily pregnant woman piled into the tiny room. Ralph sits next to me now, five days after the accident.
"Holy hell." I repeat back, chuckling to myself and smoothing the sheets on my bed. "I can only imagine. Sorry to give you quite a scare, there!"
"Ha ha, it's okay. I'm just glad you're alright." He doesn't try anything, doesn't make a move, not since that day I ran out on him at the restaurant. Most guys would have taken advantage of this situation. I'm so grateful that he doesn't. I realize now that I'm not ready for anything other than friendship… with anybody. Not for a long time…
There's silence, but it's not awkward.
"Derek is glad too, aren't you, buddy?" Ralph says finally, looking at the edge of my bed. There's nothing there. Suddenly I'm filled with dread.
"Ralph, Derek's gone." I don't want to cry. It hurts my head more to cry. "He's been gone ever since the accident." I stare at the corner of my bed, concentrating on not letting the tears fall from my eyes.
"Oh." Ralph says simply. "I'm sorry."
I smile softly, a small tear running down my cheek. I brush it away with my index finger. "It's okay." I say. "He's not really gone."
It's silent again, and I reach my open palm out towards Ralph, my eyes never leaving the bed. In my peripheral vision I see him hesitate, his fingers moving slowly until they meet mine. I squeeze his hand, and the throbbing in my head stops temporarily.
Life isn't going to be easy from this point on. It won't be the same. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to move past the point of knowing I'll never get to hug or kiss Derek. I don't know if I'll ever fully get over Derek. But at least I know that he loved me as much as I loved him. And I have friends and family that love me too. Not in the same way that Derek did, but it's enough to keep me going.
Two weeks after the accident, I hold baby Simon in my arms. He smiles up at me, his little hands moving adamantly. He has Derek's eyes.
Death is easy. Death is selfish. It wasn't my time to die and abandon the people who needed me.
But when I do die, I know I will see Derek again. And feel his arms encircle me until the end of time…
I can't believe it's over… Thank you everyone who read and continued to read even after my ridiculously long hiatus! I only hope that you're pleased with how everything turned out! I know a lot of people wanted to see Casey die, and that was my original intention. But as I wrote, I realized how much she really needed to live, and even though her love for Derek drew her to death, she had more reasons to keep going. Hopefully I portrayed this appropriately. Once again, thank you all so much! Please let me know what you think!
Love,
Erin