Chapter 2
Sam found herself at her mother's house. Unaware of how she got there or why she was here.
She knocked at the front door, unsure of her welcome. A little bit of dread mixed with hopefulness filled her chest. It was always the same when she sought her mother out. She plastered a smile on her face as the door swung open.
"Hi Mom", I was just in the neighborhood and thought I would drop by to see Kristina and Molly.
"Oh, I'm sorry Sam they went out with the Nanny for ice cream", but you are welcome to sit and visit for awhile. said Alexis.
Oh, no, no, I don't want to bother you, I know you probably have tons of things to do , Sam said as she agitatedly headed for the door.
OMG Sam would you SIT DOWN! sighed Alexis with a little bit of exasperation. It doesn't have to be this way, you being skittish every time we are around each other .It's not as if I am going to try and kill you , Alexis laughed .
Sam sat down across from the woman who gave her life , the woman she barely knew. She knew the major cracks in their relationship was primarily her fault. She felt she didn't deserve the chances Alexis had given her. She wanted to change that but didn't know how begin to bridge that gap.
Sam? Alexis called, pulling her out of her brooding contemplation. Is there anything you want to talk about ?
Well it's either now or never Sam thought. Lucky and I broke up, She blurted out.
Oh , I'm sorry to hear that Sam , Alexis acknowledged sympathetically.
I couldn't be with another person , not ever again who didn't want me, Just me. A few years ago, you tried to guide me and mold me into being a better person. However all I could see was Jason, All I wanted was to be with him. Nothing mattered , not even you and my sisters.
Sam looked at Alexis as the regret and shame for what she almost threw away washed over her.
Alexis faced Sam and took her hands into hers,.Sam ,she said, we have been over this and I forgave you.
You should not have! I said I was sorry before , but I never truly acknowledged the damage I did to Molly, Kristina and most of all you. I destroyed my sisters home, I defiled the place where they felt safe. I took your trust and the help you tried to give me and threw it all in your face in an act, I will forever be ashamed of.
Sam, Alexis interrupted......
No, Mom , I need to say this to you. I am sorry, she saw Alexis trying to interject, No! I need you to know that I know I was wrong, she said before Alexis could speak. . There is no excuse for the actions I took that night. No way I can justify sleeping with your husband and my sisters father. No words that would be acceptable for blowing your world apart.
That night when Jason left, I was devastated, I felt every thing I had was gone and I was left with nothing. I am ashamed to admit, my family never crossed my mind. I was filled with anger because I blamed you, I blamed you for what I perceived as you chasing Jason away when you were never there for me.
I felt at that moment that everyone always leaves, they all walk away from me. No one wants to stay. So I didn't care what I did, I blew your world apart and no alcohol , rage or anything else should have made me do that. I was selfish and destructive, you were right, I wasn't the type of person who should be around my sisters.
Even after I did that, I did so much more after Jason and I ended again, Things I can't tell, I am too ashamed to even mention it. All I can see sometimes is the need to destroy and tear apart those I feel have hurt me. I have never felt so alone as in the moment I did all the things I have done. I felt everyone will leave, My baby, Danny, The man I loved and even my mother who never loved me enough to stay.
Oh Sam!. Alexis sighed. I was a young girl when I became pregnant with you. I loved you from the moment I knew you were growing inside me. Yet I couldn't keep you, There was no way ,
I know, Sam interrupted....
No! you don't Alexis said. It was in an impossible situation. I wanted to keep you, but it wasn't allowed. A part of me knew in my heart it would be better if you were raised by others than the life I grew up in.
It hurt to let you go, but I felt I did the right thing. You will never know how it pains me to know how you grew up.
Sam when I found out you were my daughter and the life you led, I felt so guilty. It was why I tried with all my determination to show you a better way of life. I know my ways seemed overzealous, but I wanted to make it up to you. I wanted you to see life could be better than what you were seeing with Jason.
I know, I just didn't see it then, Sam said ,I couldn't accept that you were right.
When I saw you with my husband on the floor at one of the lowest and scariest times of my life, I literally wanted to kill both of you.
Sam sat a little shocked by the admission.
However , Alexis said, I knew I couldn't waste that type of emotion and energy on the both of you. I was in a fight for my life. I had to do everything possible to fight to live for my girls. Even if that meant letting you and Rick live , Alexis laughed shakily.
The thing is Sam I have forgiven you. I forgave you for Rick, I forgave you for Jerry.
About Jerry Sam began …....
No it's over. I have FORGIVEN you, not really for you, but for ME. I can't and won't hold on to old hurts. I have two.... three beautiful daughters if you can see yourself as that.
Tears shined in Sam's eyes. I want that, I want to have my family. I want a mother and I want to build a relationship with you. It's up to you , Mom.
No Sam! Alexis said firmly, it's up to you. I will not tolerate the behavior and disrespect you have shown me. I won't allow that around Molly and Kristina. So if this is what you truly want, you have to accept what it means to be in a family. There are boundaries that can't be crossed. Sleeping with my man is one of them. You won't have another chance to turn that destructive behavior this way .
You never have to worry about that ….
I hope so,Alexis said . Families love one another, come to each other when the world has gone crazy, tell each other the truth when it hurts, especially at those times. You have a family here. You just have to accept the Responsibility of having one Sam . I can't do that for you.
I am willing to try Mom, I am going to make you proud of me.
No, Sam, you need to work on being proud of yourself and learning to love and accept who you are. Then everything will begin to fall in place.
Sam shook her head in agreement.
Alexis stood up and reached for Sam, They hugged and Sam felt that little corner of dread in her heart melt . Thank you , Mom she whispered as she left.
As the door closed behind her, the tears started falling, This time they were not heartrending, painful sobs. These felt different. They were the tears of release. Releasing all the guilt, pain, anger ,resentment and insecurity she had amassed in a lifetime. As they continued to roll down her face, she felt herself smile genuinely for the first time that day.