A/N: Ugh, I'm exhausted, but I managed to do this chapter ASAP. So if it's sloppy, don't blame me, I'm working on a freakin' deadline here! I don't think...arghh, I don't even know what I was going to say...whatever, man. I had to put in seven spoonfuls of sugar into my Coke Zero to try and write this chapter, which worked effectively by the way...
This chapters rated M for some sexual references. Not to mention, I don't mean to offend anyone of this certain nature with this chapter. Dem's all just jokes! ;
"Okay, Potter, I think we're set." Draco scanned his eyes over the several brands of crisps and dip, chicken, small sandwiches and mini bottles of butterbeer and firewhiskey. There were also decks of cards. Harry looked at the deck and winced-they'd be playing poker. And if there's one thing Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived couldn't do, was keep a straight poker face.
"You think?"
"Yes. What do you think is missing?"
"Uhm, the..entertainment and everyone who was invited.." They looked around the bare party space they were in, in Draco and Hermione's small flat.
"They're coming." As if it were his cue, Ron stepped out of the fireplace, Fred and George not far behind.
"We managed to sneak out before Mum noticed us," Fred said with a small smile. He glanced at the people in his room. When Fred and George saw Draco, standing with his hands deep in pockets, acting like a spoiled child that wanted a petting zoo rather than a clown, they exchanged both worried and surprised looks.
"Ahem. Weasleys. Nice to see you, have a seat," Draco said stiffly. Fred and George furrowed their brows, but sat next to each other on the cough. Ron stood, then leaned against the table, next to Harry. They sat around silently, the awkwardness heavy in the air.
"Hey, guys!" Neville came in through the fireplace and saw Malfoy, he paled slightly but forced a smile. "M-Malfoy."
"Hello, Longbottom. Take a seat," Draco said, feeling even more like a stoic painting. Neville sat down next to the twins, who waves slightly.
"Ahem, well, who's up for a little poker?" Neville raised his eyebrows, Fred and George grinned deviously, and Harry blinked. Ron stood idly, no expression on his face but loathing for the groom.
"I'm in." Neville said, eating a crisp carefully, wondering if there were any poisons added by Malfoy himself. Ron, unwillingly pulled along slightly by a frustrated Harry, they gathered around the table.
The poker game had actually gone interesting. They became aquatinted quite well with Draco(Example: Neville stopped stuttering and laughed at one of his insults at Ron, making Draco surprised and Ron's ears a blazing red.) Fred ended up winning, for Draco didn't know much about Muggle games, Harry was a bad bluff, Ron didn't know a thing and learned as he went along, and Neville was just bad. George and Fred, being the two sneaky sons of a witch men, faced off, but Fred blew his full house away with his royal flush.
"Nicely done, Fred." George tossed him the 50 Galleons, 4 Sickles and 9 Knuts to him across the table.
"That you very much, George," Fred replied with a grin as he swept the money to him in two arms.
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"I cant believe I agreed to this.." Hermione wailed into her hands with despair as Lavender and Parvati came in through the fireplace. She was tacked with hugs almost instantly, pushing Ginny out of the way on the couch in Harry's flat in London.
"HERMIONE! I can't believe you actually got him to propose!' Lavender squealed at once, dropping her bags full of gift's for the bride.
"He really didn't-I mean, I didn't really make him, per se, he just...asked." Hermione smiled awkwardly as she and Parvati shared hugs.
"I'm so excited, I brought so many...oh." Lavender and Parvati were broken apart as Luna stepped between them, her happy smiles plastered onto her face.
"Hello again, Hermione, Ginny, fellow Gryffindors. Oooooooh I remember you!" She pointed a finger at Lavender who cringed away from her finger. "You were horrible to me once I had made my radish earrings! Well, guess what now? I have a very nice young man as my boyfriend, thank you very much!" She sat down next to Ginny as Hermione stared at her, eyebrows raised in surprise-she'd only seen Luna angry once and indeed, it was over the same earrings.
Her pleasant smile returned at once. "Shall we open your presents, Hermione?"
Hermione hesitated, then gave her a convincing, remotely excited grin. "I'd love to, but really, you four, it wasn't needed."
"We're your friends, Hermione, and your getting married, duh! So tell me, how is he in bed?" Hermione's cheeks tinted pink.
"Lavender!" Parvati swatted her friend before turning back to Hermione and handing her a small box. "Go on." She smiles gratefully and neatly, on her lap, unfolded the wrapping. It was a small box, and once she opened that, Lavender giggled, Ginny clapped a hand over her mouth and Parvati just smiled.
In a stunned Hermione's finger tips were a pair of shiny, turquoise, smooth pair of edible underwear.
"...Oh, my God." Hermione dropped them on the table. Luna stared, her own eyes wide.
"Wow, they make those now?" The rest of the girls, excluding Hermione, burst into laughter. Hermione's blushed deeply before saying in a quiet voice, "Thank you, Parvati."
"Your welcome!" Parvati giggled.
"Next gift?" Hermione asked weakly as Ginny handed her two boxes. She unfolded the first neatly as Ginny got up to get refreshments. Before Hermione could open the gift, she said, "Wait! Who wants some firewhiskey!"
The girls raised their hands, even a tentative Hermione, who frowned upon drinking. "I guess.." Hermione trailed off.
Ginny winked. "That's the spirit, Mione, your loosening up! And at your own sexy bachelorette party, excellent!" Hermione opened the box and groaned. Another pair of edible underwear, this time, a light green.
"Ginevra Weasley.." Hermione said, her hair looking as if it crackled with energy as she stares murderously at her best friend.
She stifled laughter. "Oh come on, you should have a pair. Your young, your with an acceptable man...he is acceptable in bed, isn't he?" The rest of the girls giggled as Hermione flushed angrily.
"I'm not at liberty to say that," hermione huffed, leaning back.
"Maybe he's small..." Lavender said in a hushed voice, just loud enough for the intelligent girl to hear.
"I'll have you know, Lavender Brown, he pleases me more than possibly any other man! Not that there's been another man, but still!" She took her shot of firewhiskey and downed it, furiously putting the glass back onto the counter. Lavender blinked at her, as did Ginny, Parvati and Luna.
"Well.." Luna said, breaking the awkward silence. "I heard if you have sex before your 21, you get symptoms of the vampirism nature. It's kind of a disease I call, "Porythinian Intercourse Symptom", or PIS. The lamer term for an STD, so me and Neville are never going to..consummate. Till I'm 21, anyways.." She beamed at the girls. Lavender and Parvati giggled, Ginny shook her head with a smile on her face, and Hermione stared at her lamely.
Ignoring Luna's bantering about the non-existent "PIS", she opened the second gift. They turned their heads and gasped slightly.
"Oh, my God." Lavender burst into a fit of giggles as she stared at the object in her hand.
"Hermione. Don't tell me you've never used one." Hermione's face turned an angry red as she stared at the object blankly, humiliation scattered across her face.
"I have-I mean, come on, I'm a girl! I just don't, er-" Luna reached over and pressed a small button at the end, at which, yes, ladies and gentlemen. It began to vibrate. Hermione dropped it, blushing and horrified as Lavender and Parvati laughed loudly. Luna blinked and poked it. "Oh..it shakes."
"Thank-you-so-much-Ginny-but-I'm-set-thanks." Hermione gritted her teeth, saying her sentences in one hushed breath. Ginny smiled brightly, as if she had given Hermione a secret to financial success.
"Firewhiskey?" Luna held the bottle to Hermione. Her eyebrows shot up, for Luna had given her a quick nod as the girls chattered. She understood what it felt like too.
"That I will, Luna." She smiled as Luna poured her a glass. They clinked the tops and said, "Bottoms up."
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"Now what?" The boys were fat with food on Draco's couch, accepting Draco like another Gryffindor-except for, that is, a certain red headed boy-who doesn't have a twin.
"Uhm..how about I Never?" Fred asked.
"I Never?" Draco asked puzzled.
"Yes. Someone says, "I never.." then completes it with something weird and wild. If you have, you have to drink to it." Draco raised his eyebrows at him-he had known the twins were smart, but quite as evil? No clue!
"All right. I'll go first." Draco cleared his throat, thinking of something interesting. "I never..." He grins wickedly. "Shagged a girl in a public place. Well, near public, that is." They stared at each other expectantly, seeing who was the first one to pick up their shot glass.
Harry leaned forward and as inconspicuously as he could, downed the drink. There were "Oho.." emiting from Draco and Neville as Fred, George, and Ron stared at Harry, eyes widened, playing the part of
"YOU'VE BAGGED MY SISTER IN PUBLIC!" Ron yelped, getting to his feet.
"Near public, near! It was her bloody idea anyways, it was just in a bathroom!" Draco wasn't even trying to contain his laughs in the background, accompanied by Neville who snickered. Fred and George didn't speak, but looked just as furious.
"Okay, okay.." harry said nervously. He shook his head. Damn it, I should've lied. "I never had fantasies about another girl when I was with one...literally, with one." They watched each other again and Draco, a slightly embarrassed look drank, as did Fred.
"Fred?" George turned to him, surprised.
"Hem.." Fred scratched his head, turning away a blush rose on his cheeks.
"Well, Malfoy?" Ron asked stiffly. "Who was it?"
Draco twitched. "A..model I had seen on the telly, all right?" Ron chuckled darkly as the rest did too.
Neville raised a finger timidly. "I never..."
"There are plenty of things you've never done, Neville.." George chuckled, as did the rest. Neville glanced away, embarrassed before looking back at the four. "I never have watched a woman's soap opera, all the way through and liked it."
The others sat stiffly as they all reached for their glasses. It was then, Neville's turn to poke fun at the men. "I cant believe it! And Malfoy?"
He threw Neville a furious look. "Listen, Longbottom, it had some actress I'd seen before in it...and there was nothing on...and it turned out to be all right."
Ron shook his head. "Mum was watching it, I just glanced, really. And there's was a snippet of a girl topless, that's it." He felt his cheeks redden.
Fred and George gave Ron sympathetic looks. "No problem, brother." George said, patting him on the back. "We were the same victims.." Fred added.
Harry sighed. "I was there too..I mean, not for the topless part, but this part where this man tamed a Blast Ended Skrewt to save his wife..that's all." Harry looked away anxiously. Neville shook his head. "Okay, Ron, your turn."
"Oh, this should be easy. What is it, Weasley? 'I never kissed a girl'? 'I never have let a girl see me naked'? Or even more likely, 'I never have a chance to shag a girl'?" Ron stared, his blue eyes blazing with anger.
"OI! That's our brother!" Fred and George said simultaneously, jumping to their feet. Ron tugged them down by their shirts, still staring at Malfoy angrily at the pompous smirk on his face, knowing he had Ron.
"I've got one, then." Ron said in the deadpanned silence. "I never tried to kill my girlfriend." Ron said smugly. Harry instinctively got to his feet as Draco did, standing between the two.
"Why you little Weasel!" Draco snarled from over Harry's shoulder.
"Don't call me a weasel, you pompous-" The doorbell rang. They all glanced at one another before Neville said rather timidly, "I'll get it, then." He got up, walking past Harry, signaling to do something about the issue and the anger hanging in the room. He turned the corner to open the door, and once he did, he stumbled back.
"Uhm, guys. I think the entertainment is here."
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"Ginnay, Ginnay, come looook!" Hermione said, her words slurred as she pointed out the window, off the balcony.
"What'samatta?" Ginny said, her words also slurred as she drank her 18th firewhiskey shot.
"It'sa grounds...I likes the ground...lets go dounstraiwrs or shumpthing..." Hermione giggled, holding Ginny's hand.
"Oh, Slermionee, I LURV YOU!" She pecked Hermione's lips lightly, both of them making a "MWAH!" sound effect before their giggled, dancing to imaginary music. She pointed to Lavender, Parvati and Luna, equally wasted, line dancing together to once again, imaginary music.
"I muss thankayou gus for loosenin' me up.." Hermione slurred. "If it fervent for you fwor, I voudlnt be a QUEEN OF CHENOOVIAAA!" She held up her champagne glass. "ALL HAIL QUEEN OF CHENOOVIA!" They bowed to her, laughing wildly.
"Now, Ginnay, I'm still veryy mad you schlipped firrewhiskie inta my shroda...but dat-dat-dat's otay, you knoow? Hit's OTAY!" She screamed in joy.
"You-you-you know wha? Let's go find toes boysh and like...I sont knoow..." Giny, Parvati, Lavender, Hermione, and Luna walked-well, stumbled-arm in arm out the door of Ginny's flat.
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Draco tsked, a grin widening on his face as the curvy, fair-chested, woman in a revealing police uniform walked in, music playing in the background from a man who stood at the doorway, her manager, looking over her proudly.
"My name is Matt, and I am Candy's manager. Okay, who's the groom-to-be?" the man standing into the doorway asked.
Fred got up, strolling casually over to her. "Me!" Draco pulled him down with enough force to make him sink to the couch cushions. Ron's angry faced slightly smiled, impressed as he turned to Harry, who also seemed okay with the presence in the room. Draco sat in a chair. "I am."
"Interesting. Okay, do your work.." He waved his wand, causing the stereo to turn on, nicely picked song she began o dance to around the room, still silent, her hair long, blonde and wavy, her skin a very healthy bronze tan. As if the men were all robots, they put their feet on the table and watched, thinking the same thing-
She straddled Draco's hips and nearly at once, an imagine of Hermione's hurt face entered his head. Being Draco, he shook it out and tried to pay attention to the attractive woman that was all over him at this point. He could hear the guys whooping in the background as he noticed something strange-he looked at her chest. Her chest, he thought, doesn't look right. He blinked several times.
"What is it?" Matt chimed in.
"Ah, er, nothing, just...where is this lovely lady (He sent a wink towards her) from exactly? Not that is matters.."
He chuckled. "Oh, come on, you don't know?" The girl apparently called Candy threw off her hat and began to unbutton her shirt slowly. Neville, Ron, Harry, Fred and George didn't seem to mind-they were preoccupied by the woman in front.
"Know what?" Candy tossed her shirt aside, but stopped dancing to stare at him, just as confused. She reached to her head and, tugging on her hairline, pulled the dirty, blonde silk that appeared to be her hair clean off to reveal short hair. The guys stopped their hollering and Draco stared, puzzled.
"She has short hair, so what?" Then, from behind them, Fred burst out laughing. He turned, furious. "Weasley, what are you on about?"
"M-Malfoy.." he sniggered. "That is NOT a lady!" He turned back to her and blinked several times.
He uttered in a low voice, "HUH?" Suddenly, it hit him. As soon as she spoke.
"That's what the ad said." But when she spoke, it was not light and breezy like Luna's, nor determined and bossy like Hermione's, not even fierce like Ginny's. It was a deep voice, a voice of someone who indeed, was not female. She, er, he walked to him, placing a hand on Draco's shoulder. "I bet you could make me feel like a real woman..." She winked seductively.
Draco paused, closed his eyes, then let out a bloodcurdling shriek. A shriek of pain, despair, only uttered by those possibly getting the Dementors's Kiss. While Draco screamed, the guys laughed their hearts out.
He fell back in his chair, colliding with the table, breaking the back of it. Even then he didn't care, for the horror was obviously displayed across his face as he scuttled away from her like a frightened ant.
Candy scoffed. "Come on, Mike, let's go. "She" picked up his shirt and purse, while Mike carried the radio, and they were gone out the door.
"Oh...oh, mate..that was too much..." Harry look off his glasses to wipe away his tears of laughter. Draco's horrified expression turned to a murderous one. His face, paler than usual, stared among the men. Their laughter died and they stared in alarm-even Neville, who was once doubled over with laughter, gulped in fear. The edge of Draco's mouth twitched.
Scratching the back of his head, both of the corners of his face melded into a smile as he began to laugh. he had thought of murdering harry, the one who ordered the transvestite stripper, but he only knew the one thing Hermione taught him to do-Laugh it off. And that they did.
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"Shwooahh, dwid youuu guyes head da screamin'?" Hermione staggered in the elevator up to her flat. Parvati and Lavender stagged back home by themselves once they had gotten out onto the street, wasted.
"Pssshh, hwell yeaaahh!" Ginny exclaimed, giggling.
"'Ow, dis 'tuff is really goo'!" Luna exclaimed through a mouthful of edible panties. They all giggled again, rather loudly. hermione fumbled with the doorknob and opened it to see Neville, Fred, George, Ron, Harry and Draco, watching some late night television.
"Heelloo, boys!" Hermione wiggled her finger at them. neville looked at Luna, who was eating some of the orange panties. "Luna?"
"Yesh, daaahhhling?" Ginny slumped over laughing on the couch before kissing Harry suddenly and deeply. Ron and the twins averted their eyes, wincing. Hermione pulled on Draco's shirt collar.
"Love, are you wasted?" he asked with a smirk. She riased a finger and burped.
"That I am, Mr. Malfoooy! Now, boys, you'ves gots to be gettin' home, Mr. Mallfooey cant play righ' now. He's playin' wit' me!" She giggled and grabbed him, running down the hall.
"You too, Neeeevvie!" Luna grabbed him and drunkenly turned on the spot.
"I think we should go," Fred and George said simultaneously, getting to their feet as they watched Ginny pinning Harry to a wall.
"Mum will NOT be happy." Ron grabbed Ginny and threw her over his shoulder. She pounded his back with her tiny fists, kicking her feet.
"LET GO OF ME, RONALD BILLUS-" And with a pinch of Floo, they were gone. Harry knew it was his turn to follow when he heard from down the hall, "What is your underwear MADE of?"
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Hermione was slumped over the kitchen counter, hair sticking up in all directions, her robe done dizzily as she poured herself her third cup of coffee. Draco walked down the hall and shouted.
"HAPPY HANGOVER!" The shout was a pang of pain to Hermione as she rubbed her head hard before downing the coffee. She leaped from her stool on the breakfast bar.
"How are we feeling, sweet?" Draco asked in her ear. She pushed past him, not looking at Draco as she replied in a low voice.
"I hate you." He heard the bathroom door shut and the shower turn on.
A/N: Wow, it was incredibly fun writing this, I wish I could've done a better job with the presents though..I had some nasty stuff in mind..ah, well, that's okay.
A/N P.S: I think they're made of the same stuff from Fruit Roll Ups. LMFAO