Chapter Two: Even when I go blind and lose my mind…

I was finally discharged from the hospital about an hour after the argument with my mother. Relief flowed through me; I hated the sterile white that touched everything, the uncomfortable bedding and clothing, and the falsely empathetic gazes you received from a staff member. They forced me to go to the car in a wheelchair, afraid I might stumble and end up right back in that bed.

The ride back home was quiet. My mom's lips were pursed and her turns were sharp. She swatted my hand away as it reached for the radio dial. I sighed heavily and leaned into my seat.

"I'm sorry, I'm just… I'm not in the mood for noise right now," she mumbled, maneuvering into the driveway. I muttered back a "whatever" and got out. She lagged behind me, keeping her distance like every time we came home from a visit to the hospital.

Climbing the stairs, I went into my bathroom. The slight headache I had was turning into a pounding one. After opening the medicine cabinet behind the mirror, I noticed that all that was left were my vitamins and shaving cream. I closed it, shaking it off. She was taking precautions this time. I turned to open the door behind me, but found no door was there. The barrier between my room and bathroom was completely open.

"You're fucking kidding me," I whispered to myself, noticing that the door to the hall entrance was missing as well. My headache worsened with my irritation. Exhaling sharply, I walked over to my closet and pulled the curtain aside to get a change of clothes. All of my belts were missing. I groaned, proceeding to change anyway. The missing items could be retrieved later.

Pictures of various things were still spread across my desk. My psychiatrist recommended making a scrapbook of things that made me happy to look at when I was upset. I chose to humor him, so I had been cutting out pictures of members of my favorite bands and different characters from numerous comic books before the last attempt. All the pictures I had of Julia were already in its pages. Sitting back down, I looked over my desk for my scissors.

They were gone. My second pair was gone, as was my X-Acto knife and my spare razors. The headache bubbled harshly, making my head pound. I stomped down the stairs, finding my mother in the kitchen.

"Where are my things?" I said as calmly as I could muster. She sighed, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Eli, I had no other choice, I-"

"No, Mom, where's my stuff?" I shouted.

She looked at me with a briefly surprised expression before her face turned to stone and she replied, "Elijah, I understand that you're upset, but you will not take that tone with me. Sit down."

"No, I'm out of here, I'll be-"

"You'll be going nowhere, now sit down!" she demanded. I scowled and sat down across the table from her. "Eli… I called Dr. Schwartz, and he recommended we take away anything you could use to harm yourself."

"So, you take away the scissors I'd been using for a therapy technique? My belts so my pants don't sag down? The Aleve for when I have a pounding fucking headache, like I do right now?" I raised my volume with each sentence. She stared at me with a face of stone.

"Elijah Noel, do not swear at me. You can use the scissors around me, but I'd rather them not be in immediate reach. I'm still trying to make a decision about how you'll use your belts, and I'll give you only a single dose of something when you need it. I'm not trying to upset you, baby, I'm just-"

"Yea, well, you're failing to keep me happy, Mom."

She closed her eyes. When she spoke again, her voice trembled. "Honey, I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried so hard to keep things going smoothly, but they're just not." I had yet again made my mother cry. Her words lingered in the air, and my stomach churned in response.

Things hadn't been going smoothly. When Julia died, my entire world fell apart. I didn't know how to cope with anything, so I chose not to. My mom had been so supportive, and I had just pushed her away. Maybe if I had just tried harder…

Her voice pulled me away from my thoughts. "Eli, I don't know how to tell you how much you mean to me. You're my baby, my little boy. You're so important to me. I can't find the words to express just how lucky I am to have you. That's why I took your things. That's why I ask you so many questions when you decide to go out, or when we both have a minute to talk. I want to know how you are, I want to know that you're not planning to go rot in a ditch somewhere. If I lost you…" she trailed off, a sob replacing the end of that sentence. I mulled over her words, trying to find the right reply.

"Mom… Julia was the closest person I had. I don't want to live if it has to be without her."

"Do you really think she'd want you to believe in that?" she asked, looking at me through tearful eyes. "Do you really think she'd want you to kill yourself instead of living up to your potential? Because, let me tell you, she would have to be crazy to want someone as wonderful as you to die. She would want you to live, if not for yourself, then for her. So that she didn't die just for you to join her."

My lip trembled, salt stinging my eyes. She was right; Julia would not have wanted me to kill myself. It just felt so wrong to be alive when she wasn't, like not dying to be with her was disrespectful. I had gotten past the point where I truly wanted to die. Now, I just didn't want to live without her.

"I'm really tired. I'm gonna go take a nap," I told my mother quietly, standing.

"All right. We'll talk more later," she said softly. I groaned playfully, the corner of my mouth turning up in a smirk. She pushed at my hip before grabbing my hand and squeezing it. "I love you, bub."

"I love you, too," I answered, heading for the stairs. With my foot on the first step, I turned back and looked at her. She had gone back to her coffee. I went back to my room, lied on the bed, and thought about everything that had happened.

I couldn't keep living like this. Julia would have wanted me to live a better life, even if I had to do it without her. My mother didn't want to lose me, and it was unfair to both of us to keep putting her through this. I had to stop trying to end my life and start living it.

"Way to go, Goldsworthy. Took you long enough," I mumbled jokingly to myself, tossing over to my side and finally falling asleep.

Reader,

I know these have been pretty short so far, but this is my first time writing both a character as complex as Eli and a guy. It'll get better once he gets to Degrassi, aha.

Thank you for reading. Many of you have added me or this story to their alerts. Thank you so much for that as well. If you have a moment, please review.

Sincerely,

youronlyexception