Part 10

Damon's thoughts as he literally hangs in the tree….I will not be using the correct punctuation for this part….I am using the season premier of the second season for my inspiration…The emotions that wrecked Damon's soul, Ian was truly wonderful in this episode…I know that some of you find what he did to Jeremy unforgivable, but Damon is a vampire. They are not soft warm and cuddly….They are creatures not humans…They feel emotions way more intensely than humans, it is in their nature to lash out…..

Damon's thoughts as he waits to die...The emotions in his dead heart hurt more than those to his dead body...Tears slipping down his face mixing with his life force as it ebbs out of his body...

Most people think that vampires feel nothing but they would be wrong. We feel at a much greater level of experience than humans.

The feeling of my heart breaking when Katherine was taken to the church, the feeling of losing it all again when the tomb was opened and she was not in there. My dead heart died once more, all I could think of was why? Why did she leave me? Why did she not come and find me?

She had been free all those years and she chose not to come for me. She did not even let me know that she survived, that she escaped before even being put in the church. She simply ran away.

That night at the tomb, my world ceased to exist. I wanted to scream, to let my soul release all the hurt, the anger, the rage that filled my heart. The tears burned in my eyes that night just as my grip on sanity was slipping away.

Then she walked up and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into her warm body. She was saying that I would be ok, that she knew I was hurting and that I needed to be held, that she understood me.

She would be Elena, Katherine's twin in everyway except her heart. But even that could also be true. She had sent the signals to him, that maybe more was between them other than friendship. Each time he thought she wanted more, she would always run back to Stefan. In some ways she was worse than Katherine, she knew the history and yet she played with fire.

The day of the Founder's Day Dance, the way she looked at me. That day I thought she was looking into my soul and seeing the love that was there for her. Everyone noticed the looks that passed between us during the dance. He could hear whispers. He could see the scowls on their faces.

After the dance, she went back to Stefan.

Yes, she did help Stefan save him from the fire, but it was Bonnie that used her powers to keep the fire at bay. Bonnie said that she did it for Elena and he believed her. Another one that hates me. Oh well. I am used to it.

I watched Anna die by John's hand in the basement of the building. I went to tell Jeremy what I saw to let him know the truth. He asked me about turning off my feelings and I told him I could but the pain would always be there, just locked away.

As I was leaving, I thought I ran into Elena. I told her that I was there to do the right thing more or less. We talked for a couple of minutes and I kissed her on the cheek. The look in her eyes, the way she leaned in and parted her lips. I couldn't help myself. I kissed her. She kissed me back. My world exploded, I could have yelled out loud she kissed me.

But it turned out to be Katherine I kissed, the bitch. I really don't know how I didn't know it was her. I guess the love I felt in my dead heart blocked out the rest of my senses. She tried to kill John after kissing me, that says a lot doesn't it.

So much happened after that, Jeremy tried to kill himself and Katherine played a sick game with all of us for a while. Bonnie has made it her mission to kill me or at least try every chance she gets and Caroline is a vampire. Not a good one mind you, but a very fashion savvy one. He cant help but smile at that one.

I thought, stupid foolish me thought, she came back for me. The part of my heart that had sealed off the love that I still felt for her opened back up, wanted her to tell me that she missed me that she loved me. I asked for the truth and what I got was the truth. She came back for Stefan, not me. It still hurts, still feels like I should just walk out into the sunlight.

After I found out the truth from Katherine, I went to Elena and asked her if we had a chance. That was another one of those moments that I should have just went out and killed someone, instead I wanted to know what she thought about the almost kiss. She basically told me she could never love me, that she loves only Stefan. I told her she was lying to herself and to me. I kissed her and she shoved me away. The anger in her eyes, the hurt that I would force her to kiss me. She told me again that she never loved me only Stefan.

Oh God, there are no words that can describe what I was feeling. I had nothing. Stefan, saintly Stefan was the chosen one.

I lashed out and broke Jeremy's neck, luckily he had on John's ring so it wasn't like I really killed him. But I heard Elena's words as she held her brother in her arms, I HATE HIM!

I could not even feel anything, there was nothing left to feel. Yet my heart was shattering, being ripped out of my chest. My head was exploding, thousands of needles being carelessly shoved in to it. I ran from her house, until I fell on my knees at the old Salvatore ruins. I screamed my rage into the night, the blood tears falling from my eyes. My vision so blurred that I could not make out any shapes of the night. My throat was raw and on fire from my screams yet I could not stop.

I lay down on the soft grass, my body racked with uncontrollable sobs. I don't know how long I lay there, curled up clutching myself. I had no one or anywhere to go for comfort. I was alone and I just wanted to die.

Stefan found me a couple days later and took me back to the boarding house. He didn't say anything to me, just helped me back to my room and brought me a few bags of blood. We never talked about what happened that night. I didn't ask for forgiveness nor did I get any from anyone. I simply shut my feelings off. And went back to the bottle never finding the bottom.

The sun will be up soon, I will be a pile of ash. No one to miss me, no one to cry over my death. I am not the good one, I am not the one they choose. I could have gone with Mysie tonight, I could have told her yes. But I just couldn't believe that she chose me and now I will never know if her hair would burn me or what those lips would taste like when I kissed them for the first time.

The tears fall like rain and he is broken yet again….