Author's Note – Sorry for the long break, way too long. As you may know, I got into a spot of trouble with my grades, and was grounded until Christmas. Well, for the last two terms I didn't do great, so I'm only just getting my computer back. Technically, I'm still not allowed on fanfiction, but I know you won't tell. Well, it's been so long, that I completely forget what I was going to write for the other one, so I'm gonna try something new. Here's to one of my favorite couplings, Nikki/Jen. Check the fire on your flames, and as always, enjoy.

Disclaimer – I don't own the show or characters, if I did, I'd prolly forget to feed them…

These Things I'd Never Say

Why am I so happy,

If I'm really dying inside?

I know it may sound sappy,

But I think I'm lying to hide.

You know I need to talk to you,

But there's something holding me back.

It seems like everything I do,

Leads to bracing for attack.

Don't think it's a matter of lack of trust,

Or a case of misunderstanding.

I guess I'm too demanding,

But I'm trapped in the web of lust.

But maybe I'm just doomed to the fate,

Of leading the cursed life of hate.

But with one exception you may know,

I can't seem to say to it in this language,

So Te quiero.

Nikki sighed and closed her notebook softly. She looked around her dimly lit room, still lost in thought. The maps, that seemed to cover every inch of bare wall, all had multicolored pins sticking out of them. Blue for where she'd already been, red for places she absolutely needed to go, and green for the places she'd see eventually. Sadly, red was the most common. Much to her disappointment, Nikki had only been out Canada a few times, mostly to go back to Korea with her parents. She was already sixteen, but had barely seen anything. Nikki considered it to be a waste, specifically since she'd been wasting her life rotting away at the Khaki Barn. And then with her grades and lack of extracurriculars, she'd never get that scholarship she needed to get her sorry ass out of this hell. But maybe things wouldn't be so bad, at least if there weren't any problems with the group, but everything had been going downhill in her life ever since Jen and Jude had hooked up. Everyone thought that Jude had something special with Starr, but that idea had gotten trashed when she turned goth, but with Jen's strict "friends don't date friends" rule, everyone was shocked when he finally got up the guts to "casually" ask her out at their junior prom. Sure, everyone was surprised, but Nikki had been shell shocked, I mean Jen, her Jen, going out with the skaterboy? Of course she wasn't really her Jen, that was just wishful thinking on Nikki's part. But how Nikki loved the redhead.

'I always have, really.' Nikki reasoned with herself. Oh sure, Nikki knew what, or more over who, she was. She understood what these feelings meant, and though she'd really known all along, she still hadn't told anyone. It wasn't for fear of being judged, really you can't have that fear when you walk around with purple hair, your face pierced and expressing your opinions loudly and sarcastically. No, Nikki was never afraid of being judged, she just didn't feel it was necessary to ruin the gang, the six, with something as mundane as her being what she was. Or at least, that's what she kept telling herself. Deep down, she knew it was simply knowing that if she 'came out' she'd have to face not being able to be with Jen, which she wasn't sure she herself could handle yet. So, Nikki felt that for the time being, coming out was just a stupid thing to do.

Nikki put her notebook back in her bag and glanced over at the alarm clock. 5:45 was blinking back at her in bright red. She yawned and rubbed her eyes.

"I s'pose it's late enough…' she mumbled to herself before grabbing a pair of jeans, a shirt and a towel and heading out to the bathroom. Shielding her eyes from the bright light, she turned on the shower and started to undress. Finally, just as the water was heating up, she got in.

'But if I do tell them, it would make life easier for me, in a sense' she informed herself. At least then, Caitlin would stop trying to hook her up with guys, and the Jonesy thing…

'Ugg…' Nikki groaned aloud. She'd known Jonesy since she was three, he was practically her brother, even if she was straight, she wouldn't have been interested. But of course, once he'd asked her out, how could she say no? He was after all the closest thing she had to a brother, and she didn't want to hurt him. Plus, pretending to go out with Jonesy, well on her part, would have waved away any suspicions or questions as to her sexuality. She did that occasionally, just to throw everyone off, but usually her 'crushes' were always people they didn't hang out with, generally complete strangers. Just like Hunter. But she knew she couldn't do this forever. None of the guys she'd dated so far had given her anything, made her feel anywhere near the way she did when Jen so much as talked to her. No she'd felt nothing for any of them, and she knew it wasn't just a matter of 'finding the right one' as Caitlin put it, she just wasn't in to guys.

'Things are getting way too complicated… again. If I just told them, really, what's the worst that could happen?' she silently asked herself.

'Well, I could come out, my parents disown me, my friends hate me and see me as a freak. I could be shunned at school, fired from my job and have to find a place on my own with no money, all because of this stupid town's homophobia!' she answered herself sarcastically, even angrily.

'But I can't keep living like this, it's tearing me apart, no matter where I go, it's always there. She's always there, and even if she's not, some other girl is and then I stare and I'm left to make up some excuse..' she trailed off. 'I'm sick of living this way. That's it, I don't care how they take it, I have to tell someone. I'm doing it today.'

She rinsed out her hair and got out.

'Some people find showers refreshing and relaxing. I don't think I'll ever understand'

Climbing into her car with her mom a half an hour later, Nikki argued her side the same as ever.

'Mom, how am I ever going to learn how to drive if you don't let me practice?' Nikki asked, knowing how this was going to end.

'But you don't have your license yet, sweetie. I'll let you drive the second you get that' Mrs. Wong replied, not looking at her daughter.

'But Mom, I have my permit, it let's you drive as long as someone who has their license is in the car with you' Nikki said slowly, as if her mother was stupid.

'Not today honey, and don't sarcastic with me'

From the backseat, Nikki just sighed and rolled her eyes.

They got to the mall about ten minutes later.

'Ok, I'll pick you up here at six, right?' asked Mrs. Wong.

'No, I'm going over to Jen's tonight, remember? I'll be home at six tomorrow, or maybe later on tonight. I don't know, I'll just get home whenever I do' Nikki replied, starting to leave. Her mother yelled something at her back, but Nikki was far enough away to pretend she hadn't heard. As she reached the table, none of the gang was in sight.

'Well of course their not, it only seven-ish.' Nikki explained to herself. 'No one'll be here for at least another half an hour' She sighed and looked around. 'I really gotta see a shrink.'

Sitting back in her chair, Nikki pulled out her notebook and started writing.

I'm sorry if I seem confused,

'cause I don't have a clue.

And if I seem blunt,

It's 'cause I missed all my cues.

And if I seem stupid,

It's 'cause I'm a fool.

When I'm around you, my heart starts up fast.

But then when you leave, it never lasts.

I'm cheesy, I know, but I don't know what to say.

Knowing you'll break my heart any day.

Not on purpose, maybe.

You probably can't see,

What you're doing to me.

And now I'll never be free,

Of this retched curse called a crush.

'Hey Nick! Oh, what're you writing?' Jen asked, walking towards the table.

'Oh… nothing, it was just nothing' Nikki said, shoving her notebook back in her bag.

'Yeah, right! Come on, you never let me see that notebook' Jen said, reaching for the bag. Nikki snatched it up and turned to leave.

'Look, I gotta go to work, before the clones fire my sorry ass' Nikki said, looking slightly apologetic. Jen's face fell,

'Oh… alright then. See ya later' she called to Nikki's back. Before she'd even turned the corner, Nikki knew Jen hadn't bought her excuse. She was cutting close, too close, and if she knew Jen, the rest of the gang would know of the little 'incident' before lunch.

Not wanting to go straight to hell, Nikki detoured the vegan shop, where Starr.. er, Nebula worked. She knew she could finish her poem there, no questions asked. She might even let Nebula read it. She went and sat at the front counter and pulled out her notebook. She didn't bother to get Starr… Nebula, she just started writing.

So if I seem nervous,

I'm scared for my life.

If I seem anxious,

I'm bracing for strife.

And if I seem stressed,

I'm usually the one taking the shove.

But if I seem different,

It's 'cause I'm in love.

Nikki finished and looked around her. She always spaced when she was writing. She got the strange feeling of being watched, so naturally, she turned around. Leaning over slightly to read over her shoulder was Jen. Nikki slammed the book shut, but by the look on Jen's face, she registered it was too late.

'What's going on, Nick?' she asked, concern in her voice.

Author's Note – Ok, well, that was short, but fun. Tell me what you think. I'm not sure where Nikki's from, but I guessed Korea. Oh and all the poetry in here's written by me, so yeah, don't steal it…