School is death... you knwo, incase you were wondering where i was...

Chapter 12 – Guilty Hearts

Addison suppressed a yawn and raised a heavy hand to her face, rubbing her eye slightly with the heel of her hand before running it down her face and flopping it to the side of her body once more.

"Drink your coffee, Addie." Mere murmured,

Addison nodded and drank from her third cup of the day. It was nine AM.

"I gotta go," Addie sighs, setting down the now empty cup, "Check on Laura,"

Meredith nodded and gave Addie a soft kiss and watched her walk away before groaning and hitting her head on the nurses station she was leaning on.

"What's up with you?" Asked Izzie as she walked over with Cristina,

"Didn't sleep last night. At all."

Cristina scrunched her nose, "Mere, seriously, I'm glad you're getting some but please, I don't need to know about you and Addison-"

"She wouldn't stop crying. She cried all night. Even when she slept. Which wasn't much."

"Is she ok?" Izzie asked,

"I don't know." Meredith groaned, "All I could do was hug her."

Meredith walked away after a few minutes, hoping to get half an hour of sleep in an on call room.

Izzie walked through the hospital and rounded a corner bumping into Mark, "Oh, sorry, Dr. Sloan, sorry."

"It's ok Izzie." He shrugged and he moved off, Izzie frowned,

"Are you ok?"

"Of course I am."

"You seem… You just look like you're upset, all week; I've noticed that you look upset."

"You've noticed me?"

Izzie blushed slightly, "Well yeah, I mean I live with Meredith and Alex and they're well they've been a bit weird about you and well you look upset and I'm a good observer and listener and I thought maybe you'd want to talk about it."

"I'm fine."

"You called me Izzie. You are not fine."

Mark sighed and looked into Izzie's kind brown eyes, "I got Addison pregnant." Izzie's eyes went wide, "When we had that one night and Derek walked in. I got her pregnant and when she told me I just knew everything was going to be ok, that I hadn't thrown away my one solid relationship, my brother, by having a cheap night with his wife. I knew that finally after eight years of watching her from a distance we would be together. I went out and I bought calendar and I marked the due date. Which was today."

"She lost the baby?"

"She had an abortion. And then she came out here."

Izzie reached out and gave his hand a soft squeeze, "I'm sorry."

He nodded, and dropped her hand, "You live with her don't you?"

"Yea,"

"Is uhh… Is she miserable? Is she upset by this?"

Izzie sighed and thought about the odd sounds she'd been hearing if she woke during the night, and what Meredith had revealed to her earlier. She knew she probably shouldn't say it but, Mark was hurting too, he lost a baby too, "She hasn't slept." Izzie sighed, "Mere's been staying up all-night with her, just holding her. I hear her crying herself to sleep."

Mark nodded, "I'll see you later Bethany." He walked away,

Addison lay in Meredith's arms, shaking in her sleep. Meredith held her as she stared at the ceiling. She couldn't sleep. Even if Addison was perfectly fine she wouldn't be able to sleep. Not now. With what was happening with George's dad.

She wished she knew why Addie was so upset.

It hurt her to see Addison like this. To watch her cry herself into nightmare riddled sleep. But what hurt her the most was not knowing the reason behind it. She thought Addison could tell her anything, especially something that was causing her so much pain.

The door slowly opened and a strip of distant light slipped into the room, pooling the room in a soft glow.

"Mere? You awake?" whispered Izzie,

"Yea." Meredith tightened her arms around Addison, and her hand slipped up her top, rubbing circles on Addie's lower back,

"And Addison?"

"Asleep." Meredith let out a soft sigh, "Can't you sleep?"

"No." Izzie moved into the room and shut the door softly, shutting the light out once more, "I've been cleaning the bathroom floor, in case George wants to lie on it. And uh, I've been making cobbler."

"Cobbler's good."

"Can I stay in here for a while, with you?"

"Yea."

Izzie moved forward and climbed into Meredith's bed on the other side of Addison, "Is she ok?"

"No." Tears started to slowly fill Meredith's eyes, "I don't know."

"Are you ok?"

"No." Meredith cried softly and held Addison closer, Addie was still asleep as far as she could tell, and still shaking and weeping in her dreams,

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know." Mere cried, "I don't know."

"Mere-"

"Addie hasn't slept properly in days- all week. She's been terrible. She won't stop crying, she cries all the time, and I- I don't know- she won't- I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why. And it's killing me Izzie, it's killing me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't even be there for George because all I can think about is Addison. I can't stop worrying about her, Izzie. And I'm exhausted, and I just wish I knew what was-" Meredith broke off, she let go and started sobbing,

"Mere I think- I think I might know… Why she's so upset, I think I might know."

Meredith looked up, trying to meet Izzie's eyes in the moon light, "What?" she asked, her voice thick of tears,

"Sloan. He said that…" Izzie sighed and gently told Meredith all that Mark had said, when she was done Meredith sighed,

"All Addie's ever wanted is to have kids." Mere said softly, "When I first had Mindy... Oh crap."

"What?"

"I was talking to Mark the other day… about Addie wanting kids more then anything…"

"Ooh." Winced Izzie,

Addison woke with a start; she looked at Meredith and saw the remaining tears on her face shining in the moon light, "Meredith," She sighed in deep relief, before clinging to the blonde and sobbing apologies into her neck,

"Addie, it's ok, it's ok, it was a dream, we're ok. Shh…" Meredith soothed, kissing the top of Addison's head, "I love you."

Izzie slid out of the bed and crept to the door, quietly leaving the two alone.

"Mere, God… Mere I've done some things and I, you won't love me if I, you won't be able to look at me, I can barely look at myself, God." Addison sobbed,

Meredith kissed her, forcefully, aggressively, Addison melted into it and let Mere devourer her.

Meredith pulled back, "Addie let me tell you a story. Something I've kept from you."

Addie frowned, sniffing and wiping the tears from her eyes, "Ok,"

"This… well it's a bit awkward. It's the story of how I started sleeping with Sadie."

Addison scrunched up her nose but, snuggled into Meredith's side, "I can take it."

"Ok. Well… Sadie and I were travelling through Europe, as you know, and well… Uhh, I got pregnant. I didn't know who the father was, I barely remembered what the men I slept with looked like, let alone their names. I told Sadie and… And she took me to a clinic, and she set up an appointment for me to… I had an abortion. And it was horrible. It was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. I couldn't do anything afterwards. I just cried. And I couldn't talk about it… Sadie tried to understand, but you know how she is, she didn't get it. Not really. So she did the only thing she knew how. She slept with me."

Addison was crying and Meredith was too, "Mere… why are you telling me this?"

Meredith caressed Addison's face, "Mark told Izzie. Izzie only wanted to help you. She told me."

"Mere,"

Meredith lent forward and kissed Addison softly, "I love you. I know how horrible it must have been. I know how dirty it makes you feel, how toxic, but Addison, I will always love you. You don't have to hide things from me."

Addison looked into Meredith eyes, "Alex tried to kiss me."

"What?"

"In the NICU, he tried to kiss me. I slapped him."

Meredith sighed, "Explains why he's been so jumpy."

"Meredith… Thank you."

Mere smiled, "I love you so much Addie."

"I love you too. I'm sorry I didn't tell you Mere, I'm so sorry."

"I know, Baby, I know."

The next night Izzie walked into Emerald City and up to the bar, she sat on her usual chair and looked up and Joe.

"George's dad?" He asked,

She shook her head, and Joe sighed sadly, before getting Izzie a drink.

"Hey."

Izzie looked up to see Mark leaning on the bar, looking at her oddly as he drank scotch.

"Hey." She replied softly, "You got a dad?"

"Not really, not anymore." He said,

Izzie nodded, Mark moved closer, "Have you?"

"No. There's my mum but… No. No dad."

Mark reached out and tucked a strand of blonde hair behind Izzie's ear, she looked at him, searching his eyes, and he lent forward slowly, and gently, barely there, he kissed her.

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