Living in the Past
I don't know my real name. I don't know who my parents were. I missed my entire childhood, but I've seen my own funeral. And do you want to know why? Because I've been like this since I was born.
I time travel and I can't control it. I would jump from era to era every year, then it became every month every day, every hour…I never had a home, I never had a life, tossed from place to place, uprooted violently each time, surrounded by strangers and strange things, every minute a struggle. I never even knew why I was like this. I've seen empires crumble and people die and I know the future is no better than the past. I know secrets you couldn't dream of, and truths you can't accept.
Why was it like this? A mutation? An experiment? A curse? I don't know, I can't remember.
Eventually in a farflung era, I found someone who could build something to let me contain and control the power within me. Now that I was stable, now that I could choose my path at last, I knew what I had to do…prevent my early death.
I had seen it in one of my trips.
I knew who caused it.
They called her Batgirl.
"So you went purposefully got yourself in a fight with the people fated to get you killed?" Babs called out suddenly. Steph was startled by the interruption. Time Lapse's voice, echoing from the swirl of color around them, had a hypnotizing quality. She had nearly forgotten her companions, who were pinned down to the bucking floor by the same weird force as her. She didn't even know where they were any more, the air was a swirling mass of chaos, images flashing too quickly to be understood. She couldn't see her opponent anywhere, but his voice had enveloped them all and subdued them. Except for Barbara, it seemed.
"How dumb are you? I mean, haven't you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy?" Babs snorted, struggling to get up, but she remained flat on the floor like Cass and Steph.
There was a laugh, and it could have matched the Joker's.
It wasn't any of YOU. But it was. You taught them all, had influenced them. They had the best qualities of all of you…the brains, the unnatural skill, the heart…
Steph figured she was the heart. Why did she always get to be lame one?
And the worst…the self righteousness, and that TEMPER…that ridiculous iron will…I had to unmake all of you made THEM…cut your legacy off at the source.
I suppose it was stupid to face you head on, instead of killing you when you were younger…and then killing Batman of course, as a bonus…but I wanted to meet the women who really unmade me.
I'm pretty disappointed.
"We're not really enthused either!" Babs yelled. "Now that we've gotten your life's story out of the way, what is going on?"
What's going on is I can control it now. I didn't know it, but the box has helped me realize how to do it all on my own…and now that I am without it, my power is infinite.
So thank you for freeing me.
Now I'm going to watch you die.
"It doesn't look like you're controlling it to me!" Babs screamed, actually managing to lift her head to look at the spinning mass of images around her squarely. "It looks like time is breaking down and that you'd better slow down before we all die!"
You first.
Babs let her head fall to the ground and looked over at Steph, then Cass. "He's nuts."
"G…guess…it…c-can't…be…helped…considering…h-his…origin…" Steph managed to speak, despite her tongue being pressed to the back of her skull. "Wh-whadda-wwwee…Cass!"
Cassandra Cain, with the herculean effort that only comes from being one of the best trained fighters in the world, had managed to sit up. Then she stood up. And with a great grunt of exertion, she pulled Babs up. Then they both held their hands out to Steph.
Steph didn't hesitate. Time Lapse's little gravity trick hadn't been able to stop Barbara's brain. It hadn't been able to stop Cass's body. And if she was stuck with the lame power of heart…he wouldn't stop that either.
She took the hands, and they all pulled together.
They could see Time Lapse now, and he was sitting so far ahead of them in his colorful existence that he was like a speck. He waited smugly, perched on the nothing like it was a throne. They would have to walk a long road to him, struggling every step of the way.
So they did.
"Look at this," he said lazily.
"You can't take this away," Steph choked out, aware of how hokey the pronouncement sounded.
"I don't have to," He said, and he sat down in a chair that had not been there before, a look of pleasant anticipation playing across his features. "I'm just going to sit there and watch you do that yourselves." He leaned forward, and for the first time since Steph had known him, he looked truly menacing, impossible shadows playing across the sharply defined planes of his face.
"You three are going to destroy each other."
The world collapsed around them.
"Ohgaaa…" Steph muttered as she opened her eyes. It was difficult getting things into focus. "I ask where I am in hopes there's someone to answer."
"I'm here," Cass's quiet voice came.
"Me as well," Babs answered, much louder.
Me too.
Steph let the objects take form around her, finally able to discern that they were in an office. A fancy office, too. Mahogany desk, lots of pretty little lamps, important men in suits standing around…seated at the desk was a bald man with a hairy chest and open collar. Baaad combination. None of them seemed to notice the three young women squashed in the corner.
Then there was the eight year old Asian girl in the pink dress.
Steph felt Cass go cold beside her. Almost without thought, she grabbed her friend's hand a squeezed it.
They can't see you now. You are phantoms in this timeline. But the minute you make the decision, you will become solid and able to interfere with history. And you will be able to save that man from yourself, Cassandra Cain. Time Lapse's voice echoed eerily, his presence looming without physical form.
Cass's hand suddenly clenched so hard that Steph yelped, and shallow breathing could be heard underneath her mask.
"Cass…" Steph muttered. "You can't change this. It's what he wants. You change this, you mess things up so you don't run away and become Batgirl. Everything falls apart- and so many people aren't saved."
"Can't just watch those eyes again," Cass whispered, her voice shakier than Steph had ever heard it. "Can't watch… the terror, then nothing…"
"Then I'll cover yours," Steph said firmly. "You stop her now, she'll just have to go through it even later, with another. And maybe then it will be too late. It's what he wants, Cass. Never give the bad guy what he wants." She cupped her hands over her friend's eyes.
Oh no, we're not having that.
At Lapses echoing words, Steph was flung back from Cass with a bang, and Cass was writhing and screaming. She appeared to shrink before Steph, resembling the pigtailed waif a few feet away, her hands stained with blood. It was like she was a child again, and her eyes had gone blank.
See your terrible past, see your terrible future. What does it say about you?
Steph's heart caught in her throat. In addition to making her watch this moment, he was making her relive all her worst memories in her head too- shifting her body in time, not just her surroundings! Was his power so infinite he could control anything?
WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT YOU? His voice was a terrible scream that hurt Steph's ears. Cass went still before her.
Bab lurched forward, but she was unsure what to do with this girl she barely knew, kneeling beside her helplessly.
"Bad…heart…" Cass's whisper was barely audible, a child's murmur. Steph could imagine what Cassandra was seeing, the blood on her hands, the face of her bleak future where she was a shell of her former self. "From…bad…blood. Bad…family. Bad…friend. Bad….bad…"
"Cass, shut up! Shut up!" Steph was practically squealing, her voice taking on a frantic edge. She grabbed Cass's hands, ignoring the blood. "Cass, if you were bad, I wouldn't look up to you! I wouldn't adore you! And no one would have made you Batgirl! Look at me! Forget his stupid words! Look at me and see that I'm not lying when I say you're the best, see what I feel that's true!"
Cass's eye locked with Steph's. Steph searched the brown orbs for a long moment, desperate to see something there besides raw pain. Then, very suddenly, Cass gave a shuddering gasp.
Slowly but surely, she turned into an adult again, her pink dress slowly turned back into a tight black suit suit, her mask hanging in tatters and the symbol appearing little by little.
She shook badly in Steph's arms.
Pity. Guess we'll be moving forward with our blast to the past then. Lapse tried and failed to cover the annoyance he felt. Don't cover her eyes again. Give her a choice to stop it.
"I can't shield you, Cass," Steph muttered as their surroundings began to move again. The eight year old Cass took a step forward. "You have to watch it and not interfere."
The present Cass nodded, watching her past self with terrified eyes.
"What's-?" Babs asked, her eyes confused, but then she let out a short breath as the tiny frilly girl in front of them jumped into the air and then moved like a bullet shot with deadly precision, ripping the bald man's throat out with one simple motion of her tiny hand. The man didn't have time to cry out, but the older Cass cried out for him, her hands clenched tight with the effort of not shielding herself from the terrible truth of what had happened.
And then there the girl stood, the blood on her hands dripping down onto her dress, staring blankly at what she had done. Unconsciously, the older Cass bought her hands up to, but Steph forced them back down, still keeping her friend's eyes firmly covered. "They're clean," she insisted
Now we both know that's a lie. Time Lapse's voice boomed. What do you think of your successor now, Barbara Gordon? Knowing that she killed this man? And stood by and watched herself do it again?
Babs looked at the young Cass still staring at her bloody hands in horror, to the older Cass, shaking and near tears with her hands held down by Stephanie.
"I think that little girl looks like she had no idea what she was doing. And I think the girl with me now regrets it more than anything and is making up for it by saving people and if the Babs in the future can accept that, then so can I," Babs said, jutting out her chin defiantly. "And she didn't watch it happen again. She just refused to live in the past."
Time Lapse laughed pleasurably. Originally one Batgirl killed this man. And now all three have. Classic. Well, if you're tired of the past, Barbara Gordon, how about we visit your future?
"No-" Steph shouted, but it was too late. They were in a cozy living room with Barbara and James Gordon, and Babs was serving tea.
Cass moved herself in front of Babs automatically, and Steph moved closer to her side. Babs peered at her older self, looking fascinated. "That is a really bad skirt. Must be laundry day."
"Oracle," Cass urged Steph. "We have to tell her."
"Babs, okay, listen. Something really bad is going to happen to you right now. You're going to be shot," Steph hissed, talking as fast as possible as Barbara Gordon of the future chatted idly with her father. The Babs of now started, her hand moving unconsciously to the base of her spine.
"Yes, right there. You felt it earlier. But, listen. It's what happens to you after that's the thing. You become Oracle, and Oracle is insanely important. If this hadn't happened, I don't think it would have ever occurred to you- you were just too happy running around Gotham- but you take that knowledge you have of computers, and use it not to just help Gotham, but the world. You go from caging masked lunatics to stopping corrupt governments. You go global, run the JLA for a while- but the most important thing is the effect you have on certain people."
"You save me," Cass interjected quietly, still remaining firmly in front of Babs, who was now quaking and confused. "On the streets. You ..find me. Give me, uh, work. You're… the only one who even….even sees me." Much to everyone's surprise, Cass grabbed the redhead's hand, in the same way Steph had grabbed her own earlier. "You make me Batgirl. Oracle. You save me."
"Oracle saves me too," Steph said softly. "I don't know what would have happened to me just a few months ago if you hadn't-
Don't listen to them Barbara, they're just softening the truth. After all, why wouldn't they have told you this before? You become a paraplegic, miserable mess, and all they want to do is keep you that way so they can have the glory-
""That's not true!" Steph screamed at the echoing voice.
Experience it, Barbara. Go ahead.
Babs screamed suddenly, her legs giving out, and Steph knew he was doing the same thing he had done to Cass, making her live the worst bits of her past and future in her head. She shook Babs, desperately trying to snap her out of it, but Babs was curled up in pain, her eyes flat green glass, aging years in a minute.
Tell me what you see, Barbara.
"I…will become…so cold…and …miss…everything…shut myself off…" Babs moaned, jerking and twitching. "I feel it…I don't deserve them…a legacy….it's all Bruce…I'm just his…pale shadow…"
"Yes! Yes, you are!. You're all worthless knockoffs, slavering after a man. You deserve all that's happened to you, you're all under him!
"Shut the hell up!" Steph screamed, shaking Babs hard. "That doesn't make any sense at all! didn't become Batgirl for Bruce! I d-did it because of Cass…because she gave me the costume! Because I look up to her and you! You're my mentors. You're the ones I worry about failing. Not him!"
Cass nodded, touching the symbol on her chest. "Not him. This." She hit Steph on the arm to stop her from shaking Babs turned and turned Babs' face to look her in the eyes. "If…you were cold…why would we care…so much?"
There was a second of silence, then the age lines around Babs' eyes smoothed out and the clouded lenses cleared. Her legs kicked out rigidly, hitting Steph painfully in the knee. Pulling away from Cass, she was panted and trembled. Steph was about to do the "how many fingers am I holding up" thing, when there was a knock on the door behind them, like cannon fire. Steph spun around to see Barbara Gordon of the…was it future or past…go towards the door, still chatting with her father and momentarily distracted, just for a moment letting that Gotham paranoia drop…a moment that would cost her…
And she knew that despite her earlier words, she couldn't let this happen, she couldn't let a bullet fly and hit somebody she cared about, that it would be selfish just to think about how much Oracle would help the world and her personally. At this moment, the world wasn't worth watching Barbara Gordon used and spat on by scum. She couldn't cover her own eyes like she had tried to cover Cass's.
It was too late to stop Barbara from opening the door, the best she could do was jump in front of her. Steph catapulted forward as Barbara pulled the door wide...she could take that damn bullet, let it tear into her flesh, the body armor would probably stop it from doing any permanent damage…then the first Batgirl could disable the Joker as easily as a two bit thug, because that's all he was in his stupid shirt…
A hand clamped around her arm, hard, and jerked her back. Disoriented, Steph at first thought it must have been Cass who had stopped her, but when she looked to the side she saw Cass was several feet ahead of her, almost between the Joker and Babs, but a yellow gloved hand had managed to just grab the end of her overlong cape. Cass was yanked back hard enough to make the unnaturally graceful wraith of the night stumble like your average idiot. And it was another canary yellow hand that had a death grip on Steph's forearm. The eldest Batgirl restrained her two protégés just barely, her jaw set and her eyes hard with pain.
"Babs-
"You said it yourself, Steph. Never give the bad guy what he wants. And from what he told me, he's showing us this because he doesn't want the two of you to be here. But I do."
"But you…won't move free…" Cass said weakly, and Steph knew it was the most horrifying thing she could imagine.
"Me? I don't even know this lady," Babs said as the gunshot fired. She watched herself fall, her face frozen in a sort of blank sadness. Unlike Steph or Cass, who turned and couldn't watch at all, her eyes didn't avoid looking at the Joker or herself bleeding out, she seemed mostly to be trying to avoid looking at her father, who was screaming now. "I haven't met her yet. But sounds like she'll move just fine in her mind."
You're all no fun, you know that? I was so sure one of you would do the right thing and save that poor girl, that father some pain. Some heroes. But let's see how you handle tragedy entirely of your OWN making. Miss Brown, you're up…
"No-" Steph choked out, her mind freezing for a second. "Not again today-"
But it wasn't the dingy hideout of Black Mask they were transported too, but on a lonely street where a younger, less scarred Stephanie Brown was trudging her way home, blonde hair plastered to her head as rain beat down. Her eyes were fogged with hurt and anger as she focused on the papers in her hand, ignoring the boiling hot tears that fell with the rain.
"This-" Steph breathed, and she took a step forward, but Cass grabbed and restrained her.
"This is just before I put that stupid plan into action, Cass!" Steph babbled hysterically, struggling fruitlessly against Cass "This isn't about me, this is about stopping that gang war, think about how many people we could save, people are going to die because of me-" She felt tears leak out of her eyes, and couldn't fight the shame.
"My target… died…because of me," Cass said firmly. "You still stopped me."
"Yes, because it was important and that wasn't your fault-"
"More than…the gang war was yours."
"You can't change this. It's what he wants. You change this, you mess things up," Barbara walked up to Steph, placing a hand on her shoulder as she parroted her perfectly.
"You stop her now, she'll just have to go through it even later, with another. And maybe then it will be too late. It's what he wants.. Never give the bad guy what he wants." She even had the inflection of the words down.
"I fucking hate your photographic memory, Barbara, have I told you that?" Steph choked out.
Babs smiled. "No, but I'm sure you'll mention it in the future."
Steph stared at the sopping wet girl in front of her, so angry and directionless and abandoned…
Unaware that she holds the power to tear a city apart through sheer stupidity….a tragedy you can stop… Time Lapse chimed in. Tell me, what does it all say about you?
Suddenly, Steph doubled over in pain as phantom cold metal invaded her flesh to tear it into bits of blood and bone. Her ribbed Batgirl uniform turned to simple purple cloth, with red evenly spreading across it as chest and stomach wounds gushed. She collapsed on the floor as Spoiler, broken and bloodied, writhing and crying, cold and alone.
Batman's face, stern and implacable as if carved from stone, boring into her-
"You're fired. I gave you a fair shot. You didn't measure up. There's no shame in that."
Making her…
Cassandra, coming hazily into view, her own anger and sense of betrayal making the features sharper every second.
"You think HE'S right, don't you?"
"Yes.
And there was that guilt, that ever present guilt in the wrinkle of her brow, but also a hard edge, a stern edge as she stated her opinion bluntly as always.
Oh GOD…
Barbara, grabbing her around the collar, yanking her head down to face green eyes sharp with rage.
"This gang's getting a little tired of funerals. And that's what you'll be, Steph. Just a bunch of dead flowers and a costume in a display case"
She will…
Tim, accusing and looming like he thought he was some sort of Bruce, but his face was not stone, there was raw pain there and confusion.
"Don't let me catch you wearing that costume ever again."
But didn't…
Cassandra, slumped and tired against the rainsoaked Gotham night, stripping off her costume like she was tearing off her skin, and Steph just had to look away, but she couldn't block out that voice, exhausted and sad.
"Now the fight is yours."
Didn't…
Barbara, angry again, furious, snarling, finger wagging….
"TELL ME WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU!" Time Lapse screamed again, and Stephanie felt like her mouth was moving without her permission as she spat out the truth admist all the pain and blood. "I'll n-never be a-able to to live up to Babs and Cass! I d-don't deserve to be B-Batgirl. And th-they'll realize th-this and fire m-me. L-leave me like always."
YES! YES! Tell me it says you're self righteous, cringing victims! Why would I be afraid of you? Why would I be afraid of these little girls so easily led astray?"
Time Lapse's voice was filling her, eating her alive. She was ready to tell him, she was ready to tell him just that. But Cass's voice broke through, and Steph could feel her warm hands through the cold metal and sticky blood.
"Don't be a…hyp…hypo…" the girl struggled, her voice familiar, deep and warm.
"Hypocrite?" Babs supplied helpfully.
"Hypocrite, Steph. If…if it was...like that…I wouldn't worry…about not, uh, being good enough…for you."
"And I wouldn't worry about not deserving you as a legacy," Babs broke in confidently. "Clearly, you must be amazing."
Steph shook her head, ignoring them. They were just saying that. She had to stay here, stay in the pain forever…
"Snap out of it!" Babs demanded harshly, and Steph felt Cass shake her, additional pain to pile on…
"No, stop trying to…I deserve this…"
"NO ONE DESERVES THAT!" Cass's voice was loud and furious, and the unusualness of that was enough to allow Steph to let her friend's face come into sem-focus. It was unnaturally close and twisted in rage, and maybe it was because everything was blurry that her eyes looked wet. She could feel the hands like a vice on her shoulders. But a second later, Cass's face was slack and sad again, and her grip had loosened. "The gang war…it was just…everyone's fault…okay? Not just…yours. It was …a whole lot of stupid. I…know that now."
Steph couldn't quite believe her, but she was touched by this rare display of wordiness on her behalf. Cass's face was slowly coming more and more into focus as she continued to talk.
"You saved me once…when I was drowning. After this. Said that…deserved it…then too. But you didn't. You saved me. Just… thanks."
Steph was so nonplussed at this, she forgot the pain and misery she was supposed to be deservedly experiencing. It was true she had a dream of Cass drowning while she'd been stuck in that coma, that filmy area between life and death. But could she have really…?
Cass was smiling now, and Babs looked relieved, and it took Steph a second to realize why. She was no longer dressed in bloodstained eggplant, instead back in the old cape and cowl. She was sprawled on the rainy street with Cass and Babs holding her, watching herself from two years past storm angrily.
"You took longer than either of us to pull yourself together. Drama queen," Babs said fondly.
Steph took a deep breath, and looked away from the mess of a girl in front of her. "Okay. You can let me go now. I'm fine. I won't stop her."
Reluctantly, Cass let her friend go. And together, they all watched Stephanie Brown walk away.
Cassandra Cain… Time stood still around them as their antagonist's voice took center stage once more. Would you think so highly of your friend if you knew she'd been keeping from you the fact that you will be drugged into perfoming evil?.
Cass snorted. "Guessed that earlier."
And that you are made to kill, again, under this?
They were on the Gotham rooftops now, watching the Cass from the other time perch there like she owned it, unaware she was in the sights of Slade's sniper rifle.
Cass looked at Steph, a question in her eyes.
"Most everyone gets better," Steph said hastily, still sprawled on the ground. "And you too. "
She's lying.
"She's not," Cass responded automatically, still staring hard at Steph.
"But you…you change…." Steph sighed and stumbled into standing position. Cass stood up with her.
Steph looked across the rooftop, fighting every impulse to shield her unsuspecting friend, so she could keep the Cassandra she was looking at close to her before she became so…wrong. "More stuff happens…it's just too much for you…and you…leave me….to be Batgirl. Because… you're beyond that now, I guess. And I miss you…I try not to talk about you much…but it's because I miss you. And that's the truth. I won't blame you for wanting to change it. I can't believe it would have any bad effect- "
"But it helps you…find a place…my leaving," Cass stated. "Helps you be here."
"Well, I guess-
Cass ignored her wishy-washy friend, and looked up at the sky to the looming figure of Time Lapse that was now evident, not even blinking when her other self collapsed on the rooftop, the drugs having hit her like a bullet. "Nice try. Done?"
Oh, but there's so many more things we could see! What about Barbara's mother's death? Steph felt Babs flinch beside her, and grabbed her hand. What about the terrible things that await dear Stephanie in her future, precarious as it is right now? All the things your fault now that you won't stop them! How about the death of-
"You talk too much," Cass cut him off bluntly. "Afraid?"
"Yeah!" Steph croaked. "You're just doing this crap because you're afraid to face us head on!"
Babs let out a cold little laugh, her eyes closed. "Henh. You know, I bet the future Batgirl didn't really kill you or anything. Why would she go that far for someone as pathetic as you? I bet you just couldn't take it when she kicked your ass."
She opened her eyes suddenly and they were blazing in anger. She jerked free of Steph and stepped forward, screaming at the sky. "You're trying to get us to destroy each other by stopping this?" She pinwheeled her arm at the images of pain and death that flashed through the sky. "This isn't who we are! It's just life! It's just…"
"Stupid," Cass supplied.
"Right!" Steph chimed in. She strode out with the others, pointing and accusatory finger. "Mistakes, accidents, whatever, we're about moving forward! It's my motto and everything! So fuck your victim blaming shit!"
Babs laughed again, though this one was less chilling and more one of amusement at Steph's cursing and finger wagging. She crossed her arms smugly. "If anyone's the victim here, it's him. He can travel through time, but he's still stuck in the past."
The image of Time Lapse in the sky showed no sign of rage, but the space around them was crumbling and shaking so much he might as well have been bellowing. Steph watched chunks of frozen scenery disintegrate into blackness in fascination and fear.
Cass ignored it and took another step forward. "Face us," she challenged the villain, the sky, the crumbling world around them.
For a second, Steph experienced utter silence. The only sound was the breathing of her two seniors, which echoed weirdly. The gray world of Gotham was a frozen painting around them, inanimate and deadly quiet
Very well. I think a part of me knew this wouldn't work. But it has been a delightful opportunity to watch you suffer while I gathered my power. Now it's almost infinite. Your deaths will be so much more complete this way. Now…let's go.
And then it was time.
A/N: This was the chapter I struggled with the most.
Ugh, I hate dwelling on the shitty editorial decisions that were made. But I hope you guys realized what I was trying to do here. Not only is this something the villian would do, but I wanted...well, the shit that happened to Steph, Cass and Babs is something that was forced on them and it sucks. But I wanted to show them owning their tragedies. Babs is willing to let it happen because her tragedy helps other people- and so is Cass. I wanted to show how important Oracle is (take that, Booster Gold story! The reason Babs can't be "saved" is not solid time, but because she chose it so Oracle can save other people! It is her strength that matters), and how compassionate Cass is, and how stong Steph is. They are victimized by shitty writing, yes, but they are never victims. That's the thing about Batgirl- she gets a lot of shit, but it never stops her.
Originally this sort of thing went on a bit longer into chapter six in a different fashion, but it was wayyyy too repetitive, and I though up a different ending for chap six anyway. So I combined two concept I had in this chapter so it wasn't stupid and boring. You might be able to tell what I combined- hopefully it isn't too jarring. I hope this chapter wasn't too...i dunno...angsty or terrible or repetitive. I tried!