Torchwood Blues
Author: Milady Dragon
Disclaimer: See Chapter One, because nothing has changed since then.
Author's note: In this chapter: Ianto buys a baby doll, plays mad scientist, and finally gets to Retcon someone; and Jack butchers the Welsh language.
Chapter Seven
Jones had told Jack that the usual meeting place was one of the local cemeteries, which seemed a bit morbid for Jack's taste. They arranged to leave Ianto Gareth at the Williams' for the day, then took one of the sightseeing trolleys to their destination.
Of course, Swanson and Davidson showed up.
This was getting ridiculous. Jack had hoped that the conversation with the Queen would have gotten the two cops off their backs, but that didn't seem to be the case. He should have listened to Ianto when he'd said he wanted to Retcon them.
He gave them a smile that he hoped was sincere as they approached.
"Well, hello there!' Swanson greeted. The two took seats across the aisle from them.
Jack was already working out a way to get away from them when they met Jones. "Are you following us?" he asked, hoping that he sounded cheerful.
"Why would we be following you?" Swanson's innocent act didn't work at all.
"Let me guess," Ianto's tone was so dry it would have parched a camel, "you're on your day off, and you decided to spend it together."
"Or else there's something else going on?" Jack waggled his eyebrows, hoping they'd get the innuendo.
Apparently they did; Swanson looked pissed off, and Davidson blushed faintly. "I can assure you, Captain, that that certainly isn't the case." The woman's voice had gotten downright frosty.
"Too bad, you make a nice couple."
That seemed to shut Swanson up for a while. Which was a good thing, because she was seriously beginning to get on Jack's nerves.
Surprisingly, it was fairly easy to distract the two police officers enough for Jack to 'fetch' Eugene Jones. All it took was a toy store and a life-sized baby doll that Ianto purchased.
The younger man kept Swanson and Davidson busy while Jack snuck out of the back of the toy store they'd chosen to enter. Ianto was a bit surprised, since they seemed so very interested in Jack, and weren't really giving much thought to Ianto himself…which Jack always did claim was a dangerous thing to do. In many ways, he could be much sneakier than his husband, even though Jack had been the inveterate conman for a long time. But there was the whole Lisa business and Ianto's true colors had been revealed. To this day, he was partly convinced that Jack hadn't either shot or Retconned him because the older man was somewhat in awe of what Ianto had been able to achieve.
And so, with the judicious use of a large box and an extremely helpful shopgirl , Ianto managed to give his husband the chance to duck out the back.
To say that Swanson wasn't happy would have been the understatement of the year.
They'd delayed Ianto just long enough that he knew Jack would have gotten back to their hotel room first, even with the added presence of their new 'guest'. As he entered the hotel, box in his arms, he was accosted by Gwen Williams. "Oh Ianto! Welcome back! Where's Jack?"
Ianto barely resisted rolling his eyes at her. "He's still got some more shopping to do," he dissembled.
That was when Gwen got a look at the box. "You're buying dolls for Ianto Gareth?"
"Gareth Ianto," he corrected by rote. "And no, it was something Jack asked me to get. Sometimes I think he's in his second childhood."
Gwen looked confused, but Ianto wasn't willing to give her the real reason for the life-sized baby doll. "Well, then I suppose you'd want to take Ian-Gareth Ianto with you? He's just inside with Rhys…"
"Thanks, Gwen, for looking after him." He really hadn't; he'd wanted to get their interrogation done first.
"Not a problem!" She beamed. "He's an angel!" She ducked back inside hers and Rhys' room, emerging moments later with a sleeping Gareth Ianto.
The young man managed to juggle both box and baby, and still get the key out and into their room lock. Ianto opened the door quietly, peering inside to see if Jack had set everything up.
He had, and he'd done a pretty good job. All the furniture had been covered by sheets, to make the lounge area look as if it hadn't been lived in for a while. All the area rugs had been taken up, leaving the bare floorboards visible. He'd even taken the globe from the overhead light fixture, so just the naked bulb cast harsh light over the area.
Jack winked as Ianto entered. His husband was sitting in straight-backed chair, opposite the bound, gagged, and blindfolded Eugene Jones. He was looking far too happy for Ianto's peace of mind, but he knew Jack well enough by now to realize it wasn't over the questioning of their 'guest'; it was after the interrogation that Jack would be looking forward to.
He tiptoed to the bedroom, putting Gareth Ianto down in their bed for the time being, rather than taking him into the other room where his crib was. Ianto set his burden down, then went to where the 'lab coat' was where he'd left it. As long as no one saw the back – which had the name of the hotel on it, and had been borrowed from one of the staff – he would be fine.
"Hey, gorgeous!" Jack called out…in Welsh. "Let's get this show on the road!"
Ianto shrugged on the coat, bemoaning the fact that his husband had apparently decided to use his atrocious Welsh to converse privately in front of Jones. God, why couldn't he have chosen something like Italian?
He re-entered the lounge, to see Jack looming over the now un-blindfolded and un-gagged Eugene Jones. The man looked suitably scared. "Are you going to be insistent on using Welsh for this?" Ianto asked acerbically, also in Welsh.
"It's a lot sexier than any other language I know," Jack answered, grinning.
Jones was looking between the two men, as if trying to make out what they were saying. Ianto knew that speaking another language would throw him off, and while Jack's accent was hideous at least Ianto could understand him. "Well, I'm sorry I taught you, since you seem bound and determined to butcher it."
Jack pouted. "I wanted to learn it for you…"
"I know dear, and I appreciate it." Ianto resisted the urge to kiss the pout away. "Let's get this done and over with, all right? The baby is sleeping and I don't want him waking up."
"Right." Jack changed to English. "Let's get this ball rolling." He grinned down at the trussed up Eugene Jones. "You're going to answer all my questions, or else I'll let Professor Rhydderch Ystradgynlais, late of the Clom Institute of Wales ask you."
Ianto had to work really hard to keep a straight face. Where on Earth had Jack come up with that mess? Well, he knew where Ystradgynlais had come from; they'd spent a wonderful fortnight in a little bed and breakfast there, but the rest…?
"This lunatic kidnapped me!" Jones said hoarsely.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Jack said, not sounding sorry at all, "but the Professor doesn't speak any English. But I'll be happy to translate."
Ianto took measured steps over to where Jack had set up their so-called torture equipment. It was really high-tech surveillance gear, augmented with a bit of alien hardware, but it looked wickedly evil. He ran his hand suggestively over several of the dials, smirking in Jones' terrified direction.
"What is that thing?" he squeaked. "What's he doing?"
"Professor Ystradgynlais is one of the leading experts on the prevention and control of extreme pain," Jack explained. "Interestingly enough, he's also an expert on the causation of extreme pain."
"This is easily the silliest idea you've ever come up with," Ianto muttered, dropping back into Welsh. He turned a few dials and flipped a few switches, doing his best to pull off the mad scientist act that Jack had cast him in.
"Please," Jack snorted. "We're gonna peel this guy like a grape. Then we can get back to more fun activities."
"What…what are you saying?" Jones fairly whimpered. "Is…is he gonna do something to me?"
"Well, that all depends on you, and how much you're willing to tell us." Jack's tone went menacing.
"Oh God," Jones moaned, "I can't tell you anything, I don't know anything…"
Ianto wondered if the man was about to piss his pants. He attached a couple of interesting wires to one of the ports on the machine he was fiddling with, hoping that they'd look ominous enough.
"I understand," Jack soothed, walking around the chair where Jones was tied. "And believe me, I respect that." He moved back to stand in front of the panicked man. "Bring the needles," he told Ianto, back into Welsh.
Ianto was caught unprepared. "Needles," he mumbled in English, as he dug around the table looking for something that would substitute.
"Needles?" Jones squeaked. "What are you gonna do with needles?"
"What else?" Jack looked pleased. "You know, in the old days we'd just use matches and rats, but this!" He glanced over at Ianto, "This is state of the art!"
Ianto had managed to find Jack's knitting bag, and pulled a pair of the needles out. He attached them to the ends of the interesting-looking wires, then began to stalk menacingly toward Jones.
"This is called Ianto's Probe," Jack went on, crowding a bit closer to the frightened man. "Now, when introduced past the left eyeball," and Jack demonstrated by putting his thumb in the corner of the aforementioned eye, "you can insert it right into the pain center of the brain. Then with a little electric current – "
Ianto brought the needles closer together, and was quite honestly surprised by the arc he got between them.
"Oh God! Don't! It's not necessary! Please!" Jones was downright begging now.
But the noise apparently had disturbed Gareth Ianto; a muffled crying started up from the bedroom. Ianto looked up, passed the needles to Jack, then went to tend to their son.
He could hear Jack and Jones talking on the other side of the bedroom door, as Ianto picked Gareth Ianto up and began to calm him. It didn't take long for the child to doze off, and Ianto smiled down into the peaceful little face.
"Oh, that's Professor Sato," Jack was saying breezily. "She was a really tough one when she came in here. Now listen to her…"
"Wait!" Jones cried. "If I say anything, how do I know you'll let me go?"
Ianto put the baby back down, and went back into the other room. Jack was looking extremely smug.
"You can apologize any time now," he said in Welsh.
"Okay, so it wasn't such a silly idea," Ianto admitted. And, to be honest, he'd pretty much enjoyed playing the bad torturer guy.
Jack laughed, turning back to Jones. "You're just gonna have to trust us."
Ianto took the needles back. "The whole problem is," Jack said, "is that you don't trust me. Want to goof off this afternoon?"
"Sure. What did you have in mind?"
"Let's take the big guy to the zoo."
Ianto rolled his eyes. "No. I remember the last time we went to the zoo: you ended up nearly missing a foot, and I was turned invisible."
"Oh come on! That can't possibly happen again!" Jack gave in. "We can just hang around here...I'm sure we can come up with something to do…"
"All right. I do have a few things to do around here."
"Excellent!" Jack jumped to his feet, switching back to English. "Now! You tell us who your contact is!"
Ianto threatened Jones with the needles, just to be on the safe side.
"It's…it's a man!" Jones answered, sweat rolling down his face and leaning away from the arcing electricity. "A cute guy, nice cheekbones! I only saw him twice, and he tried to seduce me!"
"Where do I find him?" Jack paced around Jones, back into menacing mode.
"I don't know!" Jones screamed. "Honest to God!"
"Oh Professor," Jack crooned, playing with Jones' ears.
Ianto turned on his most unhinged smile, leaning forward with the knitting needles.
"Wait!" Jones looked like he was about to faint. "I don't know where he is, but I do have a number where I can reach him! It's on a piece of paper in my shirt pocket…"
Jack dug around, pulling out the paper. He unfolded it, glancing inside. His shoulders slumped. "What do you think?"
Ianto looked disgusted. "He's finished." He separated the needles and walked away.
"Mr. Jones," Jack said, "I would advise you to disappear. I'd change your name, your job…and if possible, your face."
Ianto detached the needles, thinking that Jack might want them later, although at the rate he was knitting, the sweater might actually be done sometime around Gareth Ianto having children of his own. Then he picked up the glass that Jack had already prepared. He just hoped his husband had gotten the right dosage of Retcon this time…