CHAPTER 73

Part 1

By the time Lee exited the hospital doors and made his way to the awaiting Agency sedan, the outside temperature had become unbearably hot. Walking into it, after being inside the cooled air of the hospital was like walking straight into a fiery blast furnace. As he slid his long frame into the sedan, he didn't even notice the dark brewing storm clouds beginning to form over the DC area.

He leaned his head back against the seat and closed his eyes, startled as he realized just how drained he was, both physically and emotionally. How he was still up and functioning was suddenly beyond his comprehension.

The fact that he needed to be up and functioning was foremost among his thoughts. The luxury of indulging in much needed sleep, the ability to just retreat from everything, to simply take a few hours to recharge had been stolen away as if by a thief in the night.

Now, more than ever, he had to remain strong and yet, here he sat, doubting whether he had anything left internally to do what was going to be required, to do what was expected of him.

He had only the amount of time that it would take to arrive back at the Agency for himself. Precious little time it was, to mentally prepare for the upcoming formidable task that awaited him.

Hadn't it been just a few days ago that he and Amanda had been looking forward to getting in some quality time as husband and wife? Hadn't it been just days ago that he'd been selfishly bitching about the lack of air conditioning within the Agency?

"Damn," he murmured as he scrubbed his face with his hands.

He closed his eyes again and tried to banish all of the images that were playing out like a crazy kaleidoscope within his mind. Flashbacks and snippets of words, in crazy random fashion formed and then circled round, over and over until he wanted to do nothing more than smash something. The need to inflict and then feel a physical pain was almost overwhelming.

The Scarecrow had always been a man of action; he always had functioned best when he could be doing something. Making a difference, be it chasing down the bad guys or being chased by them, that's when his mind seemed best able to handle whatever curve balls were tossed in his direction.

He hated the mental game; he had always been disgusted with the sitting on hands until the timing was right. He loathed doing nothing and yet now, there was nothing that he could do except sit and wait for the ride to completed.

There was nothing that he could do to make a difference, nothing that could change the outcome that had already been put into motion, an outcome that would consist almost wholly of emotions. Emotions that were, despite the changes he'd undergone personally in the past few years, something of a still uncharted territory for him.

Childhood memories rose to the surface, fighting to have space with more current ones but all of them shared one thing, emotional reactions. Memories that made him question his ability to handle this, no matter which persona he adopted.

The only thing that could be done was wait until the ride was over and the destiny reached. And then, then he had to decide who could handle the situation best, Lee Stetson, the man or Scarecrow, the agent.

Part 2

By the time he had exited off the elevator and began the long dreaded walk down the corridor, he thought that he had himself steeled against the onslaught that was to come. He thought that he had done everything that he could do to prepare himself, yet as he neared the door, self-doubt rose within him like the water flowing upwards from a fountain.

And then, like a small blessing, a reprieve greeted him. The man stepping out the now familiar room had closed the door gently behind him and then looked up and gave him a warm smile.

Lee watched as that smile quickly faded.

"Lee?"

"You're back. Jamie?"

Leatherneck shrugged towards the door.

"He's sound asleep."

"He's okay though?"

The shorter man nodded.

"Doc says he'll be just fine. A few bruises but nothing that won't mend in quick time."

"Bruises?" Lee asked.

"I'll tell you later. How are Phillip and Joe?"

"Phillip's pretty sick but McJohn says that he's going to be fine, given time," Lee paused. "Where's Amanda?"

"Not sure. After she knew Jamie was fine and he had fallen asleep, she started pacing and acting real fidgety. Said she needed some privacy," Leatherneck told Lee.

"Did anyone say anything to her?"

"No," Dwayne responded slowly, eyeing his fellow agent carefully. "Lee, what aren't you saying, my friend?"

Lee exhaled slowly.

"I've got to find Amanda. I know I requested them to not to issue a report yet, but if someone else finds out and tells her before I get to her," Lee said.

"Tells her what?"

Lee shook his head and it was with that action that he knew.

"Oh gee," he said. "Man, I am so sorry."

"You did everything that you could," Lee told him. "I need to go find her."

"Go, man. I'll keep an eye on Jamie."

"Thanks," Lee told him before turning around. He'd taken only a few steps before he turned to face Leatherneck again.

"And thanks, thanks for bringing them home," he said quietly.

This time, Lee quickly made his way down the hallway, leaving Leatherneck to shake his head sadly at the tragedy that had befallen them.

PART 3

There was only one place that she could have gone and Lee had climbed the stairs slowly, trying to prepare himself, steeling himself for what he knew would come. He opened the door to the Q-Bureau and entered the room slowly, his heart aching for his wife.

She was standing behind his desk, looking out the window. She was hugging herself, her hands rubbing up and down her bare arms.

He walked over to her and came to stand behind her, placing his hands gently on her shoulders.

"I'd almost forgotten that there was a world outside of here," she said in a soft voice.

"Amanda," Lee began.

"Phillip's okay, right?" she asked in a voice that hardly sounded like her own.

Lee wrapped his arms around her tiny waist as he pulled her back against him.

"McJohn said Phillip's going to be okay," Lee told her.

He felt her soft exhale of relief.

His mind tumbled over the words; he wasn't sure how to tell her. And yet, from her actions, he believed that she already knew or at least suspected. Like she always known when he had needed her most, her instincts once again proving to be right on target.

"It's raining out," she whispered.

"Amanda," Lee tried to begin but she cut him off.

"Do you know it was raining the day that I signed the divorce papers?" she asked him.

"Amanda."

He felt her hands drop to cover his.

"Funny, why I can still remember that."

"Amanda," he tried again.

She shook her head slowly and then he heard the shudder in her breath, felt the slight tremble of her tiny body against his.

"Please don't say it," she pleaded in such a soft voice that he barely heard.

"Manda," Lee spoke gently as he guided her around to face him.

She shook her head again and he caught the glimpse of pain in them, the wet pools signifying her heartbreak already threatening to spill down her face.

And when she finally looked up at him, catching the pain that mirrored her own in his hazel eyes, she knew.

She buried her face against his chest and Lee heard the first tiny sob escape her lips.

"I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so sorry," he whispered against her hair.

Amanda raised her face to look up at him.

"It's my fault," she said, her voice shaky. "How do I tell them that this is my fault?"

"Hey," Lee gently told her, "Amanda, this is not your fault."

"Yes…it is," her words faltered and she buried her face against his chest.

Lee placed a hand under her chin and lifted her face up so that he could look at her. There were dark circles under her tear filled eyes. He didn't think he'd ever seen those beautiful eyes more filled with pain than he did right now at this moment.

Gently, he lifted a hand and wiped the tears from her face.

"You had no control over this, it isn't your fault," he reiterated.

"Lee, how do I tell them?" she asked him.

It was with that question that all of the emotions that she had been valiantly trying to hold back came out, full force and she fell against his chest, sobs wracking her.

"Oh, baby," Lee whispered as he held her.

He didn't know what to say or what to do. The day that he spoken his vows he had pledged to do his best to keep her happy and safe and he had known that he would give his life without hesitation if that was what it took. But this, this was beyond his power to change, no matter how much he would have liked to.

There weren't any words or actions that the Scarecrow could take to change what had happened, so he felt at a loss as to how to comfort her. After all, Joe had been the man she'd married and fathered two children with, a very significant part of her life, even though they had divorced and were no longer in love.

Whatever else, she and Joe had managed to forge a friendship out of their divorce and, especially in the past few years, had proven to be a formidable team when it came to parenting their two sons.

It was while he held her as she cried that Lee realized that the jealousy he'd once held towards Joe had long ago dissipated and he regretted the fact that they hadn't been able to forge a better friendship during the time that they had known one another.

Lee had made the dying man a promise to look after her and take care of their sons but right now he wondered how they would all manage to get through the pain and grief of their loss. He could only pray that he would have the strength to be the rock that she needed and the man that her sons would need.

And so, he held her in arms, allowing her to cry until her strength gave out and he felt her legs giving way beneath her. He sunk to the floor with her, supporting her and cradling her until the last of the sobs ceased and her tears ran dry. He rocked her back and forth until he heard her breathing ease into a steady pattern and felt the little sigh go through her body. And, when she had finally cried herself to the point of exhaustion and she fell asleep in his arms, he still held her tight.

Once he knew that she was not going to wake up anytime soon, he lifted her tiny form up and carried her over to the couch. He settled down, still cradling her in his arms and then reached for the throw that she had brought in that covered the back of the couch. He pulled it up over them and then he simply lay there, holding her in his arms.

He would stand silent guard over her, with her, while she slept. He would not leave her side for anything in the world. As exhaustion began to overtake his own body, he wondered how something so invisible, so silent and so undetectable could have managed to invade their lives and change them so drastically in just the space of a few days.

The last conscious thought Lee had as his own body gave in to the need for sleep was that of action. He vowed he would track them down and they would pay retribution for what they'd done.