©NataliaNicolette

Although I own nothing you may or may not recognize aside from my own original content. Twilight, it's characters and any original plotlines belong to Stephanie Meyer and Little Brown Publishing. No copyright infringement intended.

AN : Beginning of something new that I've been thinking about a lot lately. So I hope you enjoy.

The entire story is inspired by the song "Look After You" by the Fray. It's a heartbreakingly amazing song. I had heard it before I started writing this NAOM and it is truly a big inspiration to me, so check it out!

"I am going away for a while,

But I'll be back, don't try and follow me,

I'll return as soon as possible.

See I'm trying to find my place,

But it might not be here where I feel safe."

©Misguided Ghosts / Paramore

No Angel of Mine

"I want to be spread among the sea." her words were light, a smile on her face. I glanced at my mother in the passenger seat of my old pick up truck, shifting the gears between us.

"Well, I don't plan on you dying anytime soon, so it doesn't matter." I shot back with the same airy, light tone. She grinned at me.

"I can't be here forever, Em." she sighed, looking longingly out the window at the rain that splattered across the glassy surface. "And when I'm gone, I want to be cremated and sprinkled in the waters of First Beach." I rolled my eyes.

"Of all beaches, why the hell would you want to be spread in First Beach." I teased. My mom swatted my arm, moving the leftovers from that afternoons lunch in her lap.

"I grew up near there, boy." she said in a scolding tone. "It's home to me." I nodded, understanding. "So that's where I better end up, hear me?" she said mock sternly.

"Yes, ma'am." I saluted with my free hand. "Whatever you say."

I shook my head and that simply insignificant memory from nearly a year ago from my mind. The wooden urn in my hands was heavy and the beach was eerily quiet that morning. I sighed, feeling like I might be sick.

A heavy hand rested on my shoulder.

I shook it off, not wanting to be consoled at the particular moment. "I'm sorry, man." the rasped tone sounded from behind me. I just wished the pack would leave me be. "I really am." Sam just wouldn't let me sit alone in silence.

"Sam," I sighed, "I'm alright, alright?" I snapped slightly, "Just leave me alone, so I can do this shit." I stomped down the beach, approaching the cliffs.

There were no footsteps that followed and I rejoiced.

When I'd gotten the energy to climb the actual cliffs, I sat near the edge, feet dangling, heart pumping cold for the first time since I'd transformed into a wolf.

Was there something wrong with me?

My mother killed herself. . .

And I had yet to shed a tear.

I wanted to, but it wouldn't happen. My mind was too overrun and sunken in to even comprehend any other emotion other than shock and wonder.

Wonder why she did this to herself.

Shock that she was so unhappy that she couldn't just talk to me.

Even though I kept telling myself that this was all her fault, that she's the one that tightened the rope around her neck, that I could have helped her, if she would have just spoke to me, told me what the hell was going on in her head.

I should have known something was wrong.

She started work at the factory in Forks. After a few weeks of the night shift, she'd come home complaining that the men were insufferable pigs. She was one of the only females in the facility. I had offered to personally take a trip down there, and handle anyone that had been giving her grief, but she declined, insisting she would be fine. But I should have known that things were bad when she'd sit in the front room and cry herself to sleep. I'd asked her, so many times, what was the matter, but she'd never tell me. Never.

My mother wasn't a crier, she never had been.

Why had she cried so much?

I pinched the bridge of my nose, cradling the urn in my free arm and cursing this life. My dad was a giant question mark in my existence, I had yet to find my significant other in an imprint and I doubted that I ever would, now my mother was dead and gone. I had nothing left, I was nothing.

I fought the rage that wracked throughout my body as the realization of what my life had become echoed in my mind. I was angry my mother took her own life, I was angry I had no imprint, no father, I was angry I had no purpose.

My body began to shake violently. I fought the urge to phase.

When my mind was clear enough, I uncapped the urn and stared longingly at the ash that was my mother.

"I hope you're at peace, now. I hope it was all worth it to you." I muttered like an idiot to the contents of the urn before turning it upside down and watching it flutter in the wind, trickle down the cliffs, into the water of First Beach.

I tossed the urn aside, yanking a pocket knife out of my shorts pocket and flicking it open. I mused at the possibility of running the blade along my own throat, but it was purposeless. The slice would be healed before it had a chance to even bleed properly.

I grabbed a handful of my shoulder length hair and began to hack it off with the pocket knife I was told was one of my fathers. It was the only thing of his that I had, and the only piece of him that I knew.

I let the handfuls of hair fall in the wind. It was tradition to cut your hair in the mourning of a loved one.

When the dull ache in my scalp began to dissipate, I ran my fingers through the choppy mess. The sky clouded over and a rumble of thunder sounded in the distance. I sighed, shoving the pocket knife back into my pocket, placing the lid back on my mother's urn and began my way back down the cliffs.

I could see a few forms in the distance, standing near where the beach met the beginnings of the dense forest growth. I grumbled under my breath. I knew it'd be Quil and Jake. They'd been on my ass for the last week, pestering me, asking if I was okay. I knew it's what they were supposed to do, but hell. After assuring numerous people that I was fine, I began to get irritated when people uttered their words of condolences and asked if I would be okay.

I avoided their hollers from down the beach, electing to just go home and stew. I had had countless moments since I found Anita Call hanging by a thick rope in the garage, but I still couldn't fathom that the woman whom gave me life, who took care of me, ceased to exist. I could sit for hours trying to contemplate and I never came up with a calculated response for myself.

I had felt damn right insane. I felt like a robot. Everything I'd done was on autopilot. Everyone at the service was sobbing. My mother was a sweet, loving person and they all loved her as much as I did. They felt it, the despair, but I was numbed to the hilt. I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel pain. Just a dim nothing.

When I got back to the house, the scent familiar scent of the Call home wafted into my senses and I felt empty. It was hard to believe that this was once the house of my family. Given, my mother and I were the only Calls, but we were a family, and even lacking a father, I still felt a sense of home in my mother's house.

The intense numbness only increased when I realized I'd probably never have any third generation Calls running around this home. I'd never have a woman to take my last name, never get a chance to be the father I'd never had.

Imprinting was strong business and I doubted that I'd ever experience what the others in the pack had or were experiencing. A better half that could make they either cry in pleasure or pain. I'd never know that.

I wanted so badly to cry, to scream, to something, but nothing came.

The door to the garage where I'd found my mother was still slightly opened. I slammed it shut, flinging the cupboard over the fridge open and snatching up the first bottle of my mother malt liquor. I was numb, what was some more numbness? Hell, it was my mothers and I doubted she'd mind if I just wasted away for a while.

Flopping on the couch, and turning on the TV, I downed half of the first unopened bottle, flicking the channels as I felt my eyes grow slightly heavy. The second half of the bottle created a light burn in the back of the throat.

After a while, after three bottles and a damn good drunken haze, I looked around the room. The framed photos on the mantel haunted me momentarily. I stood in a huff, running my arm along the wooden surface, knocking over all the photos of my childhood, the photos of my mother's smiling face.

They fell to the hardwood floor with a hard clatter. The noise echoed through the empty house. I smirked, going back to my spot on the couch. I sunk back into the last of the liquor in the bottles.

My eyes were just about to crash when a loud knock on the front door sounded. I glanced at a clock on the opposite wall.

8:30.

Who in the hell would be here at 8:30? I wondered drunkenly. Ah, who cares. They'll probably go away after a while.

The knock sounded again and I was growing irritated. "Damn it, Embry!" the voice of Renessme Cullen hollered. "I know you're in there, so you might as well open the door!" she stated. I rolled my eyes, knowing full and well Nessie wasn't one to give up.

"Come on man," a second voice added. I should have known that Nessie couldn't be anywhere without Jake up her ass.

Fucking imprint bullshit.

"Alright, goddamn!" screamed back, the incessant knocking giving my head a good ache.

I wretched the door open, facing little Nessie, who had a casserole covered in foil and a slight frown. Jake was behind her, his frown matching hers.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?" I slurred, leaning against the doorframe. Nessie scowled, pushing past me.

"Christ Em, you smell like liquor." Jake told me, following Nessie into my house. I shrugged as Nessie set the food she'd brought on the kitchen table and wandered into the living room where she appraised the empty liquor bottles.

"Embry," she sighed, "This isn't healthy." she said in motherly tone. I snorted.

"Ah, who gives a shit, Ness." I stumbled slightly, as Jake caught my arm. I was a damn wolf, I was supposed to be agile, but I guess liquor can haze even the most stealthy. I jerked away from him.

"Don't you fucking touch me, Jacob." I garbled. Jake only shook his head. Nessie picked up the bottles and tossed them into the garbage in the kitchen. She unwrapped the food and proceeded to shove it in the oven.

"I made chicken Alfredo," Nessie decided to announce as she began to pick up the broken photos on the floor, not even asking what had happened, and began to wash the dirty dishes in the sink. Jake took a seat in at the table. "Your mom's favorite." she added quietly, but not quiet enough for my ears to not her.

I laughed cynically, stumbling to lean against the doorframe that lead into the kitchen.

"Well she's fucking dead now, so it don't really matter." I said, growing irritated with Jake and Nessie's presence. I knew they were just trying to help in my time of mourning, but I didn't want help. But Jake and Nessie were like that. Since Sam had retired as alpha, that meant Emily retired as well and Nessie had pretty much taken Emily's role of pack momma and even though Jake wasn't the alpha most of the pack convened at his home.

"Embry." Nessie warned, turning toward me. "I know you're hurting. ."

"That's just the funniest fucking part." I cut her off and she flicked the faucet off, to pay full attention to what I had to say. Jake was watching me, eyebrows quirked. "I'm not even sad, I can't even cry." my throat began to become tight. "I haven't felt a thing since I found her," I stumbled toward the garage door, pushing it open and letting it slam against the wall. "Hangin' in the garage. She had a massive fucking bruise around her neck." Nessie's eyes began to tear up and I cupped my own neck to demonstrate my point.

"Oh, Em. . " Nessie murmured.

"Nessie," Jake warned her, telling her to let me talk. He was hoping I'd have a mini break down and begin to actually feel something. I watched their quick exchange and felt enraged. I'd never feel that way. I'd never fully love and understand someone like they had with each other.

"I've never been so void of emotion in my entire life!' I roared. Jake stood then, making sure Nessie was behind him. A primal instinct that only served to piss me off more. "I'm a fucking nothing, like a tiny lil speck in the universe!" Nessie was silently crying. "My mother was the only person I had, Jake!" I yelled. "I don't got what you got!" I just kept taking out all my bottle up thoughts on the two of them. I knew it wasn't right. "I'll never have a Nessie, or a Kim or a Evangeline!" Jake took a step forward, placing his hand on my shoulder."You don't know that man. It's only a matter of time." he tried to assure me. I shoved his hand off and saw his jaw clench.

"Bullshit!" I hollered in his face. "I have no mother, no imprint, I was a fucking bastard child!" Jake only stared at me. "I'm a nothing nobody! I always was, it's just more obvious now!"

"Embry man, you got to keep your head up. You have me and Nessie and the pack. We're always like your family, man." I only laughed in Jake's face at this.

"It's easy for you, descendent of the pack's leader, you've got the perfect mate, you've got everything!" I lashed out, sounding whiny. "And what the hell do I have?" I asked, not expecting an answer. "I have an empty house and a head full of nothing, a heart full of no love for no one, that's what I've got. So don't you preach to me like you know, asshole!"

It was a completely unfair argument. I knew that. Jake was one of my best friends. I was treating him like shit when I knew all he was doing was trying to calm me.

"You're way out of line, Embry!" Jake got in my face. "You're nothing because you think you are." he refused to sugarcoat his words and I heard Nessie scold him "You become what you believe" he muttered the words and it felt like a brick wall hit me. "You know who taught me that?" he asked me, I stared coldly ahead. "Anita fucking Call." he gritted and I wanted to hit him so badly. I was being an asshole, but I wasn't enough of an asshole to hit Jake in front of Nessie and have her upset, even more upset then I'd made her.

Jake shoved me hard, making me glare at him. "I feel for you, I do. My mom died too, or have you forgotten? But don't you take out your shit on us, we're here to help you and you're being difficult." he pushed me again and I began to tremble with anger. "So you can give me a call when you have stopped being an insensitive prick, and stopped feeling sorry about the things you can perfectly deal with when you stop trying to act like you're invincible to feeling any kind grief."

He motioned for Nessie to follow him, but she ambled in front of me. I stopped trembling when I'd seen the terrified look on her face and I knew it was my doing for my little outburst. Nessie had been like a sister to me for years.

"You know I love you like my big brother, don't you, Em?" she asked. I just stared at her. "It's going to get better, I know it will." she assured me, resting a gently hand on my shoulder. "You're always part of our family." she said, before walking out.

It should have been more than enough for me to want to drop the emotionless façade, the whole pack showing me just how much they loved me, but it wasn't.

It only made me feel just the more useless and meaningless. I'd never have what each of them had. I'd never be what they had the potential to be.

My buzz was beginning to wear thin.

I indulged in the last of the bottles in the liquor cabinet and sat in deep thought.

The longer I thought about how pathetic I've become, the angrier I became. I was angry that this life had turned out to be what it was. I was angry that the only thing I would allow myself to feel was anger.

I sat out in the garage, where I'd found my mother, for a while, just looking around in my drunken stupor as if I would find some answers. What in the world could have possessed my mother to do something like that to herself. I knew she was unhappy, but I just didn't push hard enough to help her.

My drunk was just at the peak when I noticed the shotgun my mom had bought for home protection, hanging on a gun hook in the garage. I wondered why she chose to hang herself rather than just ending it quick with one shot.

I stumbled around the clutter, yanking the cool metal off the hook. I ran my fingers over the barrel wondering if a shot would kill me, or if I'd just heal. A shot to the head would definitely be the last thing I'd ever do.

Everyone always says that alcohol is like a depressant and I have to testify to that. I was so deep in the frame of self pity and emotional loathing I felt helpless to myself.

So there I was, faced with a simple choice. In my mind, I was a lost cause. There was nothing for me to live for. I had no one, no really, and nothing important to be responsible for. There was a shotgun resting in my hands and I could end all the feelings that I was feeling and all the things I didn't want to feel. I had the perfect opportunity, all I had to do was buck up and decide that's what I wanted to do.

When I'd made my irrational decision, I found myself at the cliffs overlooking First Beach, where I'd been earlier to dump my mother ashes. It was selfish of me to have driven. I was piss drunk and I was fully capable of hurting someone. I didn't give a shit about me, but if I killed someone on the way of killing myself, I'd really be even deeper in my own self hatred.

As I made my way up the cliff side, things became a blur. It wasn't so much the alcohol now as it was the fact that for once in my life, I made a choice that I felt was the best for me. I was ready to leave this life that had become so empty and it seemed like the right thing to do. What kind of man would I be if I just hung around, leeching on the rest of the packs' happiness. A useless, pathetic one. This way, everyone would win and I'd be at peace - I'd be with my mother. Maybe then I'd be on the receiving end of some questions answered.

The sun just peeked out from behind the clouds as I was really getting ready to do this. I was about to end myself and I was still numb. The warmth of the sun was nice, it seemed to have calmed me. I was in a moment of peace, just knowing that the sun would be the last thing I'd see.

The more I thought of the peace I'd feel, the happier I became. I squeezed my eyes shut, lifting the shotgun. And then a sudden wave of grief had hit me. What would my brothers say when they found me here, what would they think? I doubted they would miss my self hating frame of mind. All the more reason to pull the trigger my finger was now trembling on.

Tears of frustration and longing stung my eyes. I began to heave breaths. Peace of mind was so close I could practically taste it. I peered out at the stirring waters of the beach as the sky began to cloud over again. Again my eyes shut and the tendons in my fingers began to flex, squeezing the trigger.

"Is this really what you want?" a voice I'd never heard before addressed me from my blindside. I jumped, fumbling with the deathtrap in my grip. I got a hold of myself as I spun to face the intruder. I was shocked I didn't hear her approach, but none of that mattered because the moment my eyes made gracious contact with her, my world was thrown into a spin, the kind of blunder that makes you dizzy.

My mind was fuzzy, but the feelings that began to make my heart race were perfectly clear.

She was the most perfect being I'd ever seen in my entire 20 years of life. She was tiny and her bronze skin glowed. She had a head full of pin straight black hair that was being thrashed around in the wind. The bright green glint in her eyes was vivid enough to be seen from several feet away. She was perfection defined.

"You're far to fortunate to leave a life that has just begun." she spoke, her voice dripped. I snorted. My knees felt weak and for a moment I was convinced that she was just a figment of my fucked up imagination. That in the last moments I'd breathe, my mind had visualized the perfect imprint.

But the feelings were all to real. My world tilted, she was the center of my being. It was simple yet so complicated. Something in me told me that she was the only thing that mattered now, nothing would ever be as good as it could be without her. She was the light at the end of the tunnel, she was the breath when I felt short of it, she was suddenly everything and I didn't even know her name. All I knew was that she was beautiful and I'd be a damn fool to kill myself knowing that she walked this earth, meant for me.

"Although the choice is yours." she continued to speak like she knew everything that had been ailing me, not telling me I was an idiot for considering this, but not condoning it either. "You can choose to leave," she murmured, "or stay."

My choice was made before she had even uttered the rest of her sentence. She had completely turned my life around in a single moment and I should have been spooked at the spontaneity and irony of the situation but the only thing I felt was my mind grow heavy with ease. I was suddenly at peace as my eyelids began to fall and my body felt incredibly heavy.

The last thing I remembered was the goddess that saved my life smile graciously and I knew for the first time since my mother died that I had a reason to breathe.

I didn't feel my body hit the rocky surface of the cliffs as I blacked out with a feeling of complete hope.

AN: Chapter one, baby! Hope you like it. Remember, reviews are loved and appreciated.