"Somebody check my brain

Check my brain

I walk the streets, I creep and fall..."

~~Alice In Chains, Check My Brain

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Chapter 5, Part 1

Something Odd

A few more months passed and soon it was the middle of October. The clouds began to grow gray and dreary and the air gained a wonderful chill. Toki spent most of his time inside, trying to escape even the slightest hint of the cold, while the rest of the band began brainstorming for the new album. The only problem with thinking for hours straight was that sometimes you needed a break, and that's exactly what happened one night as Nathan and Pickles emerged from the recording studio looking tense and strained.

They sat down in the living room and closed their eyes. Skwisgaar frowned at this. "Yous twos works too hard on 'dat dumb albums; you shoulds be like me and Tokis and never lifts a finger."

" 'Den it would never get done, dildo." Pickles snapped, rubbing his eyes. "Gad, I need something to drink. Murderface, pass me that can of beer you're holding."

He glared at the drummer. "No! Get your own!"

"Fuck you! I've been workin' all day and what've you been doin'? Sitting in your room watching porn? Just give me the damn beer."

He thought that picking a fight wouldn't be the best decision in the world, so he surrendered his beer over to Pickles, who drank from it gratefully. Nathan just laid down on the couch and stared up at the ceiling, muttering to himself. "Murder...what rhymes with murder? Sheep herder...life preserver..."

"When do I gets to play?" Toki asked eagerly. He was sitting on the floor in front of the T.V. Cross-legged like a little child. "I've been practicing alls day."

"You can play when I writes down the stupids rhythm guitar parts for yous, idiots." Skwisgaar said irritably.

"Writes them? You writes them for me?"

"Ja, and you ammnest plays them."

"Oh."

Skwisgaar sighed and nodded. "Yeah, ands I thinks that we should all dos something tonight. I'm tired of just sittings here."

"Do shomething? Like what?"

"Likes, I don't knows, go outs for strippers and ice creams or something."

Murderface nodded in agreement. "Hell yeah! Let'sh go!"

Nathan let out a long, tired groan and shut his eyes. "I'm too tired for that tonight, dildos."

"I'm not. Let'sh go, Shkwishgaar." and Murderface jumped up and hurried out the room.

The Swede rolled his eyes and called, "Fines, hold on for a minute, dildos!" he turned to Pickles and asked, "Ammnest you coming?"

The drummer frowned. It was the strangest thing, but he really didn't feel like going to any club, but he was quite sure that Skwisgaar and Murderface would make fun of him if he didn't. Hee nodded and grab his black jacket.

"Fine, let's go." before he walked out the door, he turned to Toki, who was sitting and peacefully watching T.V. "Hey, dude? You wanna come?"

The Norwegian looked up, his blue eyes shining innocently. "Comes to where?"

"We're goin' pick up some strippers. You in?" He shook his head and turned back to the T.V. Pickles chuckled and knelt down next to him. "You sure, dude? Trust me, strippers are better than T.V."

"Fucks this. I'm goings." Skwisgaar said impatiently.

"Yeah, I'm comin'." Pickles said before he returned his attention to Toki. "If you need anything just call a Klakateer, 'kay?"

He nodded. "Ja, sures."

"Okay, 'den." and he rose to his full height and walked out of the room after Skwisgaar.

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Chapter 5, Part 2

First Snow

"This ammnest pretty great, huh?" Skwisgaar asked as he sat back and watched a girl pull her top off.

"Yeah!" Murderface said.

Pickles, on the other hand, just let his head rest on his hand. He downed a tequila shot and let out a long, exasperated breath. He was so damn bored. He'd never been this bored watching girls in his life. It wasn't that they weren't pretty, just that he felt completely dull and bland inside, like he kept expecting something amazing and sexy to happen. It never did. Instead he was left to just sit there in his seat thinking of being anywhere else with anyone else.

That's when he thought of Toki. The stupid Norwegian. Pickles had really, really wanted him to come with them. Suddenly the drummer found himself fingering the cell phone that was in his pocket. Skwisgaar glanced over at him, a deep frown upon his face as he drank some tequila. "Hey, Pickle, ammnest you alright? You don't seems all that great."

"Yeah," he replied dully. "I'm fine."

"You feels sick? You don't looks all that-"

"Yeah," the drummer said, adopting the excuse. "I'm nat feelin' too good; I think I'll go outside for a minute or two."

Skwisgaar and Murderface didn't even notice it as he got up and elbowed his way out the stupid club. The truth was that the more time he spent here, the more he began to feel like crap. It got to the point where he actually felt nauseated and sick to his stomach. As he went out into the cool night air he jammed his hands deep down into his jacket pockets and felt his phone again.

He leaned against the brick wall of the club and sighed, closing his eyes. Suddenly he felt very weird. Why wasn't he getting into this? He loved strippers, so why was he acting so dumb? The thoughts just confused him, so he pulled out his cell phone and dialed the first number that came to his mind. A bright, happy voice came on the other end.

"Hellos? Who ams this?"

"You know who 'dis is, dildo." he sat down on the sidewalk and pressed the phone closer to his ear, trying desperately to fight off the cold. "Hey, Toki?"

"Ja?"

"You doin' anything right now?"

There was a slight moment of silence before, "Nos."

" 'Den we should do something together or whatever. Get one of the Klakateers to drive you down and we can-"

"But Pickle, you ams with Skwisgaar and Murderface and the strippers, rights?"

"Yeah," he said. "But I'm not into it tonight. Just come over, please. The Klakateers know where we are, just tell them to drive you here."

"Okays, I'm coming."

It took about half an hour before Toki walked up and sat down next to Pickles. The drummer turned to him. "Where the fuck have you been?"

"They gots confused and didn't know where tos go."

"Oh. That's fine." Suddenly he felt like a fool. He didn't have anything to say to Toki, and all he could think of was, "Wanna go walk?"

"Walks?" he asked, hugging himself against the cold. "Walks where?"

"Y'know. Just around."

Toki nodded and rose to his feet. "Ja, let's gos away from here." he offered a hand to Pickles, who took it and got up.

They walked for quite a while, only stopping when they came to a park. There they found a bench and sat down. It was by a steadily churning little lake; Toki stared at it with amazement in his pale eyes. "Wowee!" he said. "That ams really nice, huh? In Norway the water ams just frozen most of the times."

"That sucks. It sounds like Norway was a fuckin' brutal place."

The guitarist nodded and said cheerfully, "But it ams alright. I'm not there anymore, so I'm happys! Happiest I've ever beens in my life."

" 'Dat's good, but what about when you were still living there?" the drummer asked. "What about the times when you weren't happy?"

The Norwegian thought for a moment then shrugged. "I was justs unhappy, I guess. I really don't wants to talks about it now, though."

"Oh. Okay." Pickles had planned to change the subject anyway. He watched as Toki looked up at the starry night sky.

"I likes it here with you. You ams really good to me, Pickle. I appreciates it."

"Yeah," he said quietly. "No problem."

A long silenced passed, one in which the moon was eclipsed by clouds of gray. In a moment everything grew bleak and dim. Pickles turned to Toki and took his hand. "Let's go. It looks like it's about to rain or something."

"Pickle, wait! I wants to go looks at the lake."

He rolled his eyes and released him. "Fine, make it quick."

Pickles watched as Toki went over and peered into the rippling little waves, his face aglow with childish excitement. "Hey, Pickle?" he called, walking dangerously close to the water's edge. "What woulds happen if I falls in here?"

The drummer felt himself grow tense with fear as Toki nearly slipped almost fell. "Well," he said after a moment of careful consideration, "You'd probably freeze your sorry ass aff and get sick."

"You would takes cares of me if I was to get sick?"

"What?"

"Woulds you-" Toki kicked a pebble into the lake. "-takes care of-" he took another step closer to the water's edge. "-me if I ams to get sick?" he finished by placing his foot less than an inch away the little waves of the lake.

"Toki, get back here." Pickles demanded. "Now."

"Woulds you?"

"Would I what?"

"Takes care of me."

"I'm tryin' to take care of you right now." the drummer said as he grabbed Toki's arm and pulled him away from the frigid water. "I said get the hell away from there, dildo. I don't wanna see you get sick."

"You didn't answer my question, though."

He nodded. "Yeah, of course I would take care of you."

And as he hauled the Norwegian away from the water he couldn't help but feel a sudden affection for him. This feeling blossomed as he heard Toki say, "Goods, 'cause I woulds takes care of you. You ams like my best friend."

He stopped walking and turned to face the guitarist. "I'm your what?"

"Best friends." Toki said happily. "Right?"

"I...uh...yeah, sure. I guess I am..." his voice trailed off as began to think.

"You know, Pickle," the Norwegian said, breaking the drummer away from his thoughts. "I ams really glad I came heres to America. It's so much better heres and I actually ams doings something with my life other than...just thanks, Pickle. Thanks for everythings."

"I didn't do nothin', so what're you thanking me for?"

"For savings me from it—everything. From Norway, from my parents-es, from all thems stupids kids who called mes a queer and throws ice at me...just thanks."

Pickles felt his face growing red as he whispered, "It's fine, I guess."

Toki laughed at his reaction. He carefully picked up a stone that was lying next to his boot and threw it into the lake, grinning when it splashed into the water. "You always guesses." he said finally. "Always when you ams not sure, you guess. It's funny, almost likes you can't ever be sure."

"Maybe I can't."

"Nos," he said, shaking his head. "I'm sure thats you can be sure abouts something. I thinks your problem ams that you're too serious."

"Me?" Pickles asked, a smile growing on his face. "You think 'dat I'm too serious?"

"Ja!" Toki answered, picking up another rock. "You never just shouts or anything unless you ams getting into fights; you just walks around all boring all the times."

"You think I'm boring?"

The mere notion hurt him, but the pain quickly disappeared as Toki shook his head. "No, you ams one of the best people I ever mets in my whole life, but you've shoulds just haves fun sometimes, that's all." Pickles thought and thought about what to say next, and this made the guitarist turn to him and say, "See? That ams exactly it, right there. You always thinks of what to say when you shoulds just says it. Like right now just says the first thing that pops into your head."

The drummer couldn't, because at that moment the first and only thought going thru his mind as he watched Toki throwing those little rocks was, I think that I love him...

"I...uh..." he swallowed and said, "It's cold. There, 'dat's the first thing that came to my mind. It's cold and...and..." his voice trailed off as Toki came over and hugged him.

"You ams so funny, Pickle."

"Thanks." he said sheepishly.

Toki pulled away as he felt something cold hit his arm. He peered up and a look of disgust came across his face. "Oh nos, it ams snowing!"

Pickles looked up as well, watched as the flecks of snow came spiraling down on them. They gathered in his eyebrows and his hair, putting a sharp contrast on the bright red of his hair. Toki watched the snow fall as well, hugging the drummer even tighter in an attempt to keep his bare arms warm—he was used to cold days in Norway, so he hadn't brought a jacket. The snow gently landed on the surface of the flowing lake, producing little ripples, and then quickly dissolving. They both watch for a moment, completely amazed by the little white flecks. Gradually, though, Pickles drew his attention back to Toki. He was surprised to see that the guitarist was staring at him curiously, smiling a little.

His pale eyes shined as he whispered thoughtfully, "Halo of reds hair and eyes green likes the grass in Springs..." with a careful hand he brushed some of the snows from Pickles' hair and sighed, his breath making a hot cloud of vapor amidst the cold. "...what people shoulds look like..."

Pickles barley heard him. He was too busy trying not to feel sick as he attempted to say what his mind was screaming. I love you, I love you I-

"Pickle, I'ms cold..."

Say it now...

"...cans we go?"

Say it now or never...

Toki went to pull away from him, but Pickles caught his hand and held onto it. "Wait, Toki, I...I lo-"

"Please, I'ms really, really cold. Can wes go now?"

He gave up and nodded, slightly disappointed with himself. "Yeah, let's go."

As he lead Toki out of the park, he hated himself. Why couldn't he say it? Since when had he had difficulty speaking his mind? He was loud and obnoxious, but he couldn't tell someone that he loved them? What was wrong with him? Loving Toki was bad enough, but losing all the courage it took to admit it was really pitiful. Pickles cursed under his breath as he walked, feeling the sick feelings inside him grow. He wanted so damn badly to say it—to scream it—but it seemed as if he was suddenly mute.

Toki seemed to be perfectly content, though. He walked jubilantly, kicking little pebbles as he did so, but he said nothing. Neither of them said anything, because truthfully nothing needed to be said.

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Chapter 5, Part 3

Skwisgaar's Warning

Thanksgiving came and it went just as quickly as the first snow. In fact, it didn't snow again until the middle of December, but by that time the occupants of Mordhaus were far too busy to even notice it. Normally there was a strict no-Christmas-at-all policy, but that all changed one cloudy December day. Toki had just woken up and was yawning as he took his seat at the breakfast table.

"What ams going on?" he asked, eating some of his eggs. "Every time I turns on the stupids T.V. It ams all about Christmas. What ams Christmas?"

Everyone exchanged glances then immediately focused their attention back to their food. Maybe if they ignored Toki he'd just-

"What ams it? Pickle, what ams Christmas?"

The drummer took a sip of coffee from his cup before saying, "It's a holiday for regular-jack offs 'dat aren't brutal."

"Oh. What happens on Christmas?"

"Didn't you have Christmas in Norway? Didn't you get no gifts?"

Toki shook his head. "Nos, my parents didn't gets me anything. Why? Shoulds they have?"

"Well, yeah. Even my parents gat me stuff." Pickles frowned and looked down at his food. "Never had a Christmas present? That's fucked up, dude." And he began thinking. Suddenly a wonderful idea came into his brain; he looked back up and said, his green eyes glowing with excitement, "Dudes, we should have Christmas this year! We really should!"

Everyone else groaned, except for Toki. He asked joyously, "You means we get gifts? I gets presents?"

He nodded. "Yeah, sure."

"Oh Gods, thanks!" he jumped up out of his seat and hugged the drummer, nearly crying. "I ams really going to gets presents? Wowee, this ams really great..."

Nathan rolled his eyes at Pickles. "Nice going, dick. If you get him something we all have to get him something."

"I'm not buying any Chrishtmash preshantsh!" Murderface lisped.

Skwisgaar just sat in his seat, quietly watching Toki embrace Pickles. Once the hug was done he gently put down his fork and drank down the rest of his coffee. Finally he said, politely and so quietly that he was nearly inaudible, "Pickle, can I please be speaking to you outside?"

The drummer got up and followed the Swede out into the hall, where he stopped and asked, leaning casually against the wall, "What's up?"

"It ammnest about...hows do I put this?" Skwisgaar sighed and ran a hand thru his hair in thought. "I..." he shook his head and closed his mouth, clearly trying to choose each word very carefully. After a minute or two he said, "I've been noticing somthings that I thinks are reallys, really wrong."

"What do you mean wrong?"

"Betweens you and Toki."

Pickles felt his heart drop. All he could say was, "Oh."

"Ja, ands I thinks you should maybe hears what I gots to say."

"You think 'dat, huh?"

He nodded and crossed his arms over his thin chest. "Ja. Looks, I'm nots trying to cause trouble—not not mores. Just listens to me. I don't wants to have Christmas for that littles dildo."

"Skwisgaar, please! C'mon!" Pickles begged. "It's his first damn year in America, and-"

"I'ms not going to be wons over 'cause he ams a pity case; it's goings to take more."

"But he wants it so damn bad! Did you see how happy he got? How-"

"How quickly hims jumps all over you?" the Swede completed, studying Pickles' every expression carefully. "Christmas ammnest only half the problem, Pickle." he spoke calmly, narrowing his eyes at the drummer. "There ams I bigger problem that I see. A much biggers problem."

"Which is?"

"Pickle, look," Skwisgaar began, sighing deeply. "you two spends a lot of time together, and that's fine, but he ams just a nineteen-year-olds kid. A boy. Do you gets that?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, he's nineteen. So what?"

The Swede chuckled and said under his breath, "Gods, you really think I ammnest blind, don't you?"

"What?" Pickles asked, feeling a small spark of anger flow thru him. He glared at Skwisgaar and snapped, "What the fuck did you say?"

"Looks, I'm not stupid or blind." the Swede said coolly. "And I sees how you looks at him—it's disgusting."

"What're you talkin' abo—"

"Don'ts fucks with me!" Skwisgaar yelled in a sudden rage. "I'ms not dumb! I sees what Nathans and Murderface ignores, what they can'ts see. Pickle, you likes that little idiots, don't you? You loves him."

He shook his head. "Course I don't. 'Dat would be-"

"Disgustings and sick." Skwisgaar said, his voice a dangerous hiss. "And I swears to God, if I even thinks that you ammnest fucking with him—tryings to take advantage of hims...everyone tried to takes advantage of mes when I came to America, but I won'ts lets that happen to him."

"I'm nat doing anything with him! I never was!"

"Then tells that to the fans whenever they sees him hugging you like that!" he said harshly. "Makes them believe that you two ams not like that. If they sees that in public, everyones will go crazy, you know 'dat? They'll stops buying our albums because it ams disgusting. You know it, don'ts you?"

"Course I do!" Pickles said, looking down. "And I don't like him!"

"And he ammnest just nineteen. Nineteen, Pickle!" and Skwisgaar shut his mouth and shook his head. He took a moment to calm down before continuing. "I knews we shouldn't haves signed him on—he ams just too young..."

"No," the drummer insisted. "he's nat. He's probably the most grown-up kid I've ever met in my life."

"But he ammnest stills a kid."

He smiled bitterly. "Yeah, I guess he is, huh?"

Pickles tried not to think about how pissed Toki would be if he could hear their conversation right now. Still, it was true. He himself was twenty-three; it was madness, the age gap that lay between him and Toki. But still, his mind told him that it was just four years, which really wasn't all that long.

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**A/N**

What can I say? No complaints. I have this habit of checking my e-mail in my sleep via my iPod, so I woke myself up at 1 A.M. doing that this morning—the screen is so bright that it wakes me up—and saw that I had a bunch of review notifications. Thank you all. It was a lifesaver on a damn Monday morning. ^_^

Peace & Love to you.

Oh, and I lied. There's only one more chapter left. Yays.