Disclaimer: See chapter 1.
Author's note: Rest assured, I am working on Asylum, it will be updated soon.
As ever, my love goes to all reviewers. And to all who favorited this story or put it on alert, I love that too, because I love to know that people out there are reading this – well I know from the traffic page that people are reading this, but still, you know what I mean. =)
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"I'm telling you, he is not in a good mood. And Parker, for that matter, seems to be on the warpath. I would avoid talking to either one of them," Hardison took another bite of his scone.
"You're seeing things, Hardison." Eliot refused to accept any part of his crazy story. "We're supposed to believe the unbelievable because you went and got room numbers mixed up?"
"I'm telling you, she came out of his room!" Hardison insisted. Ever since he'd told them what he saw a half hour earlier, Sophie and Eliot had only been laughing at him and teasing him mercilessly.
"And I thought I had a lot to drink last night," Sophie said, amused. "But apparently, Hardison, you were still drunk this morning."
"Who was still drunk this morning?" Nate sat down at their table and Hardison quickly motioned for the others to be silent.
Of course he should have known they would purposely do the opposite of what he wanted.
"Hardison tells us you had a wild night," Eliot couldn't help but smirk. "With a certain blonde that we all know?"
Hardison remembered how Nate had looked in his hotel room earlier and prepared to hightail it out of there, except Nate turned to him just as he was about to see if his sprinting record from high school still held. "Hardison, you're not leaving this city alive."
He assessed the situation and decided that based on the weariness and resignation in Nate's voice, he was not in danger of losing his life – at least not immediately.
"I report the facts, man," Hardison said slowly. "Like any good journalist."
"You're not a journalist," Sophie reminded him.
"Tabloid journalist," Eliot clarified, before his voice became more stern. "Personally, I think it's despicable that you would tell us all intimate details about the personal lives of our friends and embarrass them like this."
"Thank you, Eliot," Nate said in surprise.
Parker entered the room right then, and though she'd seriously considered avoiding all of them at every cost until she absolutely couldn't do so anymore, she decided against it. She'd never run from anything that wasn't life-threatening, and she certainly wouldn't from this. Besides, hiding would only give them more ammunition. If she pretended like it didn't matter, then it wouldn't.
Or so she fervently hoped.
"Parker!" Eliot said loudly, once he spotted her approaching, "you spent the night with the boss, huh?"
Nate snapped to attention and affixed Eliot with a glare, debating the odds of coming out alive if he challenged him in a fight. He should have known Eliot's seeming sincerity was too good to be true.
Parker immediately turned to Nate who held up his hands in innocence and pointed to Hardison. "I should have known," she hissed to their computer expert, "I should not have let you leave that hallway alive."
Hardison marveled at the nearly identical threats from Nate and Parker. "Death threats from every direction, what is this, 'hate on the guy who tells the truth' day?"
Parker sat down with her plate, purposely choosing the empty seat next to Hardison (Nate sat on his other side, with Eliot and Sophie across the table) so that if he even looked at her the wrong way, she could inflict maximum physical pain. Not that she might not inflict that anyways.
"I think what we all need to do," Sophie said quickly to avert any more arguments, "is forget this trip ever happened."
"Yes!" Nate and Parker cried, almost simultaneously.
"What would be the fun in –" Hardison gasped in pain when Parker slammed her foot down hard on his. "I can live with that."
"Fine," Eliot reluctantly agreed, "but I reserve the right to bring this up in the future."
"No, you don't," Nate informed him.
"Besides, nothing happened," Parker said firmly. "Except we drank too much and fell asleep and that's the end of the entire situation. And no one better dare even imply otherwise, or else you will pay…severely."
Hardison, despite his life-threatening proximity to Parker, couldn't resist raising his hand and saying loudly, "I am more than implying otherwise since I saw you come out of his room this morning!"
"I guess someone doesn't appreciate his current state of…what is it called? Oh yes, living!" Parker yelled, as Hardison flinched and leaned away so far that he was practically in Nate's lap.
"Don't shoot the messenger!" He pleaded.
"How dare you tell everyone where I spent last night," Parker seethed, "it's none of your business! And what if the last thing I want in the whole world is for everyone to know that I –"
"Wait a minute!" Nate cut in, as he shoved Hardison out of his personal space. He looked squarely at Parker for the first time since they'd woken up that morning. "I understand the awkwardness of the situation, but what is really that horrible about waking up in bed with me?" Nate asked with exasperation.
His question momentarily killed her desire to murder Hardison. "Um…you're Nate?" Parker asked, as if it were more than obvious, and Eliot and Hardison nodded in agreement. Did he really not see how bad this was, how bad it could be for both of them?
"Try to sound a bit less horrified," he mumbled, turning to stare intently back at the breakfast plate full of food he didn't want. "And consider it from my viewpoint, waking up with you is just as bad as you waking up with me."
"Please!" She went with anger to cover that small, lingering hurt she felt from this morning. "Waking up with me is a dream come true, you can ask many, many men." She paused at their curious looks, before adding irritably, "You know what I meant."
"The good news," Nate said, changing the subject, "is we finished our reconnaissance for the trip and we are free to go home. I, for one, am looking forward to leaving this god awful place."
Hardison tapped his fork on his plate. "Speak for yourself, but I had a fantastic time here. The best being this morning – you may remember this, Parker – when I went up to Nate's room –" He abruptly shut up when she hit him in the back of the head.
Silence fell as Nate and Parker once more avoided each other's eyes, Hardison kept his mouth shut to avoid any more bruises from Parker, and Eliot mulled over how to use this situation to his advantage.
Sophie could take a lot of things, but she couldn't take unnatural silences, so it was she that finally broke it. "It's not a big deal. You two ended up in the same bed after a night of drinking, so what? It happens to all of us all the time."
"Really?" Eliot looked up with sharply renewed interest, "Remind me to drink with you more often."
"As if you could handle me!" Sophie said, smirking, in a tone that clearly implied she was flattered.
Nate abruptly stood. "I can't eat anything, I'm going to get more aspirin." He reached into his jacket pocket to make sure he had his keycard, when he found a folded up piece of paper. "What is this?" He quickly scanned it and decided that never again would he believe a situation was at its 'absolute worst' because that was just tempting fate. He fell back into his chair and stared at Parker, unable to articulate any of his thoughts.
"Nate?" Sophie asked, worried.
He was seemingly in a daze, as he spoke to no one in particular, except maybe the universe as a whole. "This is not good."
Eliot reached across the table and took the paper before Nate could react. "Oh man, Nate, you are dead."
"What is it!" Sophie demanded again, leaning over Eliot's shoulder to see what was on the mysterious paper.
Eliot cleared his throat solely to drag out the moment, which he was going to savor. "I'd like to take the honor of introducing to all of you…Mr. and Mrs. Nathan Ford."
Parker dropped her fork and grabbed the paper Eliot held out to her. "What did you do to me?" She screamed at Nate, loudly enough that the people at nearby tables glanced over to see what the commotion was about.
"I like how you assume this is automatically my fault. It takes two people to get married," he said angrily.
"What were you guys drinking last night? Because I definitely want to get some before we leave Vegas," Eliot said.
"Whoa, you two are married? Like, real married?" Hardison asked.
"No, fake married," Nate said with agitation.
Hardison took the paper from Eliot and read it a half dozen times because he couldn't believe his eyes. Sure enough, it documented the apparently legal marriage between Nate and Parker.
"This is awful," Parker breathed, "I can't believe you forced me to marry you."
"What does that mean!" Nate snapped.
"Well, I obviously didn't do it of my own free will!" She told him.
"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!" Hardison laughed, "Except, you know, getting married."
"So Parker, does this make you Parker Ford, or was Parker your last name and now we'll just call you Ford?" Eliot asked, though she ignored him.
Nate turned to Parker. "Not to belabor the point, but what is that awful about ending up married to me? I'm a nice guy."
"Well yeah, but…you're Nate," she reminded him, and he was really beginning to take that 'reason' as an insult.
"There are plenty of worse guys you could have accidentally gotten married to."
"Name one," she challenged.
It took him all of 2 seconds. "Hardison!"
"I don't know, he's kind of funny," she said, even as Hardison protested to Nate that Parker should be so lucky as to have drunkenly married him in a night neither of them could remember.
"Eliot, then," Nate tried.
"What?" Eliot looked offended.
"But Eliot has that hot 'I can kill people with little effort' thing going on," Parker argued. Eliot smiled smugly.
Nate looked bewildered. "That's a thing?"
"Yes," Sophie and Parker answered quickly, in unison, as Sophie (quite unnecessarily in Nate's opinion) fanned herself with a napkin and glanced at Eliot, who merely winked at her.
Exasperated, Nate scanned the room. "Okay, that guy," he pointed to an elderly man with an oxygen tank.
"Ooh," Sophie said before Parker could answer Nate. "He's impeccably dressed. He's here in Vegas, so he must have money to burn. I'll bet when he dies, he could make you a rich widow. A very rich widow. Imagine." Sophie's gaze drifted off and Nate got the feeling she was imagining that scenario more for herself than for Parker. Besides, there was no way Parker –
"I've always wanted to be a rich widow!" Parker declared, interrupting Nate's thoughts.
"Make it happen," Sophie prompted, sipping her juice to hide her smile.
Parker appeared to be assessing the situation for a moment before she nodded and said, "I'm going to go introduce myself."
She moved to leave, but Nate grabbed her arm as she walked by. "You are not. Sit down!"
Parker glared at him, but let him push her into the seat next to his. "Ordering me around already. So that's the kind of husband you're going to be."
"I guess I have to remind you, Parker," Eliot spoke up, "but you can't marry the old guy with lots of money who'd be a much better husband than, Nate," he ignored Nate's furious glance. "Because you're already married! You can't get married twice."
"Now, I think in some cultures it's perfectly acceptable, even normal to –"
"Shut up, Hardison," Sophie threw half of her bagel at him. Eliot watched in appreciation, as he was apt to do whenever someone did something that annoyed Hardison.
Hardison caught it right before it could hit him in the head. "I'm gonna eat this to spite you," he said, picking up the cream cheese.
"You don't have to marry him," Sophie said thoughtfully. "Parker, you could just become his mistress. Have him shower you with gifts and money."
"Even better," Parker said. "Free stuff for doing nothing!"
"Well," Sophie cleared her throat. "You might have to do some things…" she said, letting Parker draw her own inferences.
Parker stared at her a moment before she got what the other woman was implying. "Wait, what? No!"
"Oh yes," Eliot said, laughing. "What'd you think, Parker, old men just paid their young, beautiful girlfriends to sit next to them at dinner?"
"They'd require much more," Sophie said. "Maybe if you're lucky, something fun." She glanced at Eliot, as if to ask his opinion. "Role-playing?"
Eliot nodded. "Possible. But kind of tame...what about hot fudge? Or whip cream?"
Sophie started laughing. "I always loved bringing food into the bedroom. What about restraints –"
"Do you two want a room?" Nate asked sharply, as Sophie and Eliot smirked and shared a glance.
"I'm never eating a sundae again," Hardison sulked.
Parker still looked horrified and Nate took the opportunity to renew his argument. "See, now you can't still think that he'd be a better husband than me. I'd never tie you up!"
"Oh my god," Sophie started laughing so hysterically that she nearly choked on her bagel. Eliot quickly handed her a glass of water and Hardison complained that he hadn't been updated on his CPR/Heimlich maneuver training in four years.
Parker ignored the three of them as she thought over Nate's question, glancing back at the elderly man again. "I don't know, I mean he's probably about to die, Nate," she said thoughtfully. "Whether he's rich or not, I wouldn't have to stay married very long. That alone makes him a better catch than you."
He crossed his arms, unamused. "I want a divorce."
"This is sad," Hardison said mournfully. "Not even 24 hours later and you're already in the half of all marriages that fail. Actually, Nate, this makes twice for you, doesn't it?"
"It makes three for me," Parker sighed. Everyone turned to her and she added, "Wait, are we talking about legal marriages?"
"What other kind is there?" Hardison asked, leaning forward with interest.
"You've been married twice before?" Sophie asked, already intrigued at the gossip and dying to pry for all details she could possibly get.
"I'm not really sure," Parker shrugged.
"Do you think you're already married now?" Nate asked, "Because if so, then this marriage isn't even legal!"
"Parker," Hardison said, "You gave me all your aliases a few years ago, remember? Those were all your aliases right? Because if so, then you are not legally married anywhere in the world."
"You looked that up?" Sophie asked.
"Of course!"
"Why?" Eliot chimed in.
"Because…for…business and tax reasons! Don't question me, people."
"Okay, then yes, this is my first legal marriage," Parker told Hardison.
"Oh man, it's so your last," Eliot said, starting to laugh. "You know, unless you get another guy drunk enough to marry you." Sophie elbowed him in the side in silent chastisement.
"What's that supposed to mean, Spencer?" Parker asked, as Eliot abruptly stopped laughing. She tried to lean around Nate to confront him, but Nate held her back.
"Let's focus on one problem at a time," he said warily.
"I'm the problem now?" Parker said, turning her anger toward him.
"No…" Nate said calmly, though he was becoming alarmed at her increasing sensitivity to the issue. "The situation we find ourselves in is the problem. Let's take care of that, and then you can kill Eliot. Deal?"
She met his eyes for a solid thirty seconds before relaxing and leaning back. "Deal."
"You could probably get an annulment," Sophie said quickly, intent on jumping in before either Eliot or Hardison could say something else idiotic to aggravate Parker. "I'm sure they do this all the time."
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"Do you know what I do every third day of the week?" Judge Caffrey asked them, voice devoid of any amusement.
"No," Nate said warily, but he was sure it wouldn't bode well for them. He and Parker exchanged glances.
"I get annulment requests from people like you, who come to Las Vegas and think this city is an excuse to abandon all judgment and all responsibilities. Get drunk, do stupid things, sometimes get married, but who cares? Because it's Las Vegas and there are no consequences in this city, right?"
"That's not what we think, Sir," Nate argued.
"I wish I had some popcorn," Hardison whispered to Eliot as they watched the proceedings with fascination.
"This is the best day of my life," Eliot laughed in agreement, as Sophie hissed at them both to be quiet.
Unfortunately, Parker felt she had to jump in. "Look, buddy, instead of complaining to us about your job," Parker ignored Nate's attempts to quiet her, "maybe you should just do it and save us all a lot of grief." She crossed her arms defiantly and nodded at Nate as if she'd just ensured the judge's cooperation. "Then after, if you still hate it so much, you can quit!"
Judge Caffrey stared at her with something between shock and anger. "I will not listen to that kind of disrespect in my courtroom. Frankly I'm sick of it. Sick of people like you who treat the entire institution of marriage and the Las Vegas court system as a joke. I should be handling real cases, not dealing with idiocy like this."
"You want to discuss idiocy? How about you go find a mirror –"
"I suggest," the Judge talked loudly over the rest of her insults, "that if you two want to leave this city without being charged with contempt, you control your wife, Mr. Ford."
"What?" Parker gasped, incredulous that he was treating her as if she weren't even there, but Nate gripped her arm tightly and something in his expression made her shut her mouth.
"Your Honor, I deeply apologize." Nate said gravely, not letting go of Parker for fear she might take that as an invitation to pick up where she left off. "We mean no disrespect and if you'd simply –"
"Petition denied," Judge Caffrey said, turning to the bailiff. "Next case? It better not be an annulment request."
"Wait!" Parker cried, wrenching herself from Nate's grasp. "You can't be serious, you're going to force me to stay married to Nate?"
She ignored the glare of her (God help her) husband, and the Judge turned his steely gaze to her. "I'm sure you can obtain an annulment or divorce from someone else, but you won't get one from me. I suggest you leave my courtroom immediately. And I further suggest that for your benefit, I don't hear one more word from you."
"Thank you, Judge," Nate pushed Parker ahead of him out of the courtroom simply because he was afraid she might try to attack the man if he didn't keep an eye on her.
Hardison gave them an exaggerated thumbs up as they all left the courtroom. He so was going to pay for this, even if she had to drive him out to the desert herself.
Once they were out in the lobby, Sophie shook her head. "Was that your plan? Antagonize a man who disliked you both even before you set foot in the courtroom?"
"I guess Parker thought insulting him would be more effective than, I don't know, using reason?" Nate turned to Parker who was watching him with obvious annoyance.
"You can't be trying to blame me for this."
"You called him an idiot! Did you really think that would sway him in our favor?"
Parker couldn't really think of a response he would like, never mind accept. Truthfully, she hadn't been thinking. It was only anger she'd felt, at how unfair it was that one man could decide something so important. "Yeah, I'm mad, how come you aren't?"
"You don't need to have an outburst every time you get angry," Nate told her, and she felt as if he was scolding her like he would a wayward child.
She felt something strange, and she thought, for the briefest moment, it might be shame. She quickly banished that thought as impossible. But he had a point. He probably could have persuaded the judge into simply granting the request if she hadn't interrupted. Now she saw why he was so angry – with her – not at anyone else.
And she hated that that made her feel angry at herself for the first time, too.
"Personally I think Judge Caffrey is an honorable man, defending the sacred institution of marriage," Eliot told them, flinching when Parker took a menacing step toward him.
"We're going home," Nate told them. "We can deal with it then."
"Maybe you two should think about this before you do something drastic," Hardison said, "you two crazy kids could make it work."
Parker stalked off as Nate sighed, "Thanks, Hardison. And I have the seat next to her on the plane. Anyone want to trade?" This triggered a quick aversion of all eyes in the vicinity. "Right."
Sophie watched him walk away. "I'll always fondly remember my time in Vegas."
Hardison could no longer keep in his laughter, "So will they."
"Now, Eliot," Sophie began as she linked her arm with his. "I never knew you viewed marriage as such a serious institution..."
Hardison rolled his eyes as they walked off. He was stuck sitting alone on the way home again. He made a mental note to upgrade to first class so that he wouldn't have to listen to the rest of them arguing, which he was often sure they did just to annoy him.
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TBC – I'm sure it's pretty rare that judges don't grant annulment or divorce requests, but suspend your disbelief… I tried to give a realistic reason why that's the case here!
I'm having way too much fun with this one. Please let me know if you're all having fun reading, too.