Disclaimer: See chapter 1.
Author's Note: This was going to be the last chapter, but it got too long, so there is one more final part which will be posted within a matter of days.
XXXXXX
Despite her fervent wishing, Wednesday came anyways, exactly when it was supposed to – after Tuesday, and before Thursday. And even though she'd changed Nate's calendar to try and make him forget about the appointment, he found her (admittedly, she hadn't made it too hard since she'd been sitting on his couch at the time), and dragged her with him to what would surely be the Session From Hell.
She was surprised to see Sophie and Eliot weren't the only other couple. No, Foster had invited four other couples as well. Apparently she felt that the expertise of Raymond Carrell had to be spread among as many people as possible.
"Isn't this great, guys?" Eliot enthused, slapping Nate on the shoulder. "Strengthening our relationships! These are the lessons that will last a lifetime."
She wondered how their friends had ingratiated themselves with Foster, but decided it was probably as simple as signing up for some couple's therapy. And Hardison? Foster couldn't love him that much, it simply wasn't possible. She guessed that the woman simply wanted to have her name mentioned in his next book (and Parker had no doubt there would be another book, and it would probably be as completely crazy as the first).
"Don't mind me," Hardison said, "I'm only here to observe." He let his gaze linger on Nate and Parker for a minute. "Unless I'm needed, of course. I have a feeling I might be!"
"We welcome any astute observations!" Dr. Foster said. "We're honored to have such a devoted researcher with us today, aren't we, everyone?" The rest of the class clapped in agreement as Parker stared up at the ceiling, wishing herself away.
"Let's begin by going around the circle," Foster said. "Each person is going to say three nice things or compliments about their partner."
Eliot started. He gushed about how Sophie was beautiful, sophisticated, and caring. Sophie replied that Eliot was determined, persistent, and never gave up. Foster applauded their 'genuine expression of emotion' and Parker pointed out that what Sophie had said were three different ways of saying the same thing.
"Please," Hardison said from the corner, "keep the negativity to a minimum. I've found that all it does is keep us from connecting fully with our partners."
Parker thought that he must have felt really brave over there, out of her immediate reach. Maybe he forgot she could still throw things?
Unfortunately, before she could start any kind of brawl, Foster turned to her. "You can go next, Parker."
She stared at the psychiatrist blankly as her mind raced. What was she supposed to say?
She must have frozen for longer than she thought, because Sophie decided to 'help.' "Come on, it's easy to think of only three things when you love someone!"
She was drawing a complete blank though. Not that she couldn't think of anything to say, but how could she say anything to him? He might think she was secretly in love with him, or worse. Wait, what would be worse?
"I'll go," Nate said calmly, sensing her panic. "Three compliments to describe my wi – Parker." He stared at her thoughtfully for a few moments.
"Make sure they're from the heart," Hardison said, pressing his hand to his own chest and repeating dramatically, "from the heart."
Eliot nodded, because apparently that was the best advice he'd ever heard, while Foster said something again about how lucky they were to have him visiting, as if sharing a room with him was a great honor.
Parker was beginning to suspect that Foster liked Dr. Raymond Carrell a little too much, and she had to keep them away from each other at all costs. A future where Hardison was dating her former therapist was not one she wanted to think about (he'd probably even do it just to spite her).
Nate ignored them, never looking away from her, and she was about to ask him what was wrong when he started speaking. "Obviously she's gorgeous, but anyone can see that so it doesn't count as one of the three. What you don't realize, if you don't know her personally, is that she's as beautiful inside as out. She works hard to protect the innocent, and to avenge the wronged. She's overcome hardship and not let it make her angry, or bitter, but rather uses it to help others. She's the bravest woman I know and she's not afraid of anything." He cleared his throat. "Is that three? I could keep going."
"Thank you, Nate," Foster said, smiling more warmly than either of them had ever seen. "That was well done. Very well done."
Parker couldn't look at him as she processed what he'd said. Did he really think those things about her? And she felt like a complete fraud because she wasn't brave, not about things like this.
He had no idea how terrified she was of him – or more accurately, what she felt for him.
"Parker, would you like to reciprocate?" Foster asked gently.
Parker spared a quick glance around the room. Eliot, Sophie, and Hardison appeared to be at various stages of surprise. Nate was still looking at her, and she couldn't read his expression.
"Okay," Parker shifted in her seat, staring intently at her hands, because she couldn't work up the courage to look at him while she spoke (see, she wasn't brave). "I don't think I can come up with three compliments about Nate. Well I could, but they wouldn't mean as much as...what he just said about me. What I mean to say is –" she sighed heavily. This was why she tried not to deal with emotions, if she could help it. "Don't get me wrong, over the course of my life, I've met some good people who've never let me down." She didn't mention that they were all in the room with her. "But they are few and far between…really, they are far between." She stopped, unsure if she should go on.
"I think many would agree with you," Foster told her. "Which, when you think about it, doesn't that mean that those who are good to you should know what you think about them? Don't you think they deserve to know? That they've earned it?"
Parker hated to admit it, but for once Foster was right about something, and that's what made up her mind about going on. She took a deep breath. "I think Nate is perhaps the best man I've ever known. And that doesn't count for three things in my book. It's more like three million." She was met with silence. "Not that I ever told him that," she added quickly.
She glanced up – Foster appeared on the verge of applauding. Sophie and Eliot were surprised and Hardison – well she half expected him to pull out note cards and start another round of games. The other couples she didn't much care about, but a few of the women looked as if they were on the verge of crying. As if this process weren't bad enough, to have to do it in front of other people was downright unreasonable.
Nate, though, wasn't looking at her, he was staring at the floor, and she began to doubt if he'd heard her. And if he did, did he care? She'd probably made him uncomfortable. He probably had no idea how to respond to something like that. She stood and said she was going to get some fresh air, which was close enough to the truth. The second she stepped out of the room, with all those eyes unable to see her now, she relaxed somewhat.
She'd just leaned against the wall and tried to start breathing normally when she heard the door open and close again. She knew it was Nate, because it wouldn't have been anyone else.
"Parker…"
"Don't," she said quietly, resting her forehead against the wall.
"Don't what?" He asked.
"Don't feel like you have to…express your gratitude or…whatever else it is that you're thinking. Just accept my words for what they are and we'll forget about it and move on."
"I will not," he said, and he actually sounded angry at what she'd suggested.
She reluctantly turned to face him, but refused to pull away from the wall that was currently holding her up. "I shouldn't have said any of that, should I?"
In response he paced several feet away from her before turning to her again. "Why are you so afraid to talk to me?"
"I'm not!" She said, seizing on the spark of anger. It was better than regret, uneasiness, or embarrassment, at least.
He stalked back to her until only inches separated them. "You are," he said firmly. From his tone, she would have thought he was angry, if she hadn't seen the way he looked at her. It definitely wasn't anger. It was more like resignation, and maybe the slightest hint of sadness.
"I can't do this," she said, nodding toward the room they'd left minutes before. It was the easy way out, wasn't it? To completely avoid everything else and pretend this was about their counseling sessions. She couldn't help it though – because Nate was right, she was afraid to talk to him. But in all fairness, she suspected he was afraid to talk to her, too. Especially about things that could change both of their lives.
He accepted her unspoken explanation, and she honestly didn't know if she was miserable or grateful. He held out his hand to her. "We're so close to the end, Parker. I know you can do this. You can do anything."
"Yeah," she said slowly, taking his hand. "I can do this." The caveat – that she didn't want to – remained unsaid.
XXXXXX
She would never again agree to stay behind a few minutes to talk to Foster alone.
"Is that what this is about?" Their therapist asked. "Losing his respect?"
Parker shut her eyes and tried to remember the decisions that had led her to this impossible place.
"No, that's not it," Foster said slowly, and with such gentleness that Parker wanted to scream at her, and cry in her arms, at the same time. "It's not losing his respect that you fear. It's losing him."
Her eyes shot open and she stared across the office, internally railing against the impossibility of the situation. How had this woman, who didn't know either of them before a month ago, suddenly figured out what Parker had been trying to keep from everyone – and mostly from herself?
"It's alright, you know," the older woman said softly. "You can tell him this. You shouldn't be afraid."
"What do you know about it?" Parker cried. "You sit there and watch dysfunctional people in dysfunctional relationships day in and day out, telling them what to do and what not to do to 'save' their relationships. Have you ever been in one?"
Dr. Foster leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees as she surveyed the agitated woman across from her. "I've been in plenty of relationships and yes, I've loved. And it takes a hell of a lot of work to be in a relationship, and furthermore, to stay sane in that relationship. And you know what some of my clients never figure out is that I can't fix everything. But I'll tell you something else that most of my clients never figure out: I've never met a couple who truly wanted to fix their relationship that couldn't. That's what it comes down to, Parker. What each person wants, and if they're willing to work for it."
Parker put her head in her hands, at a complete and utter loss. "What Nate and I have isn't real – don't you get that by now?"
"I've heard all your protests by now. The fake marriage, the mean judges, how you didn't want to be together then and you certainly don't want to be now. You want to know what I've never seen?"
She waited until Parker looked at her.
"I've never seen either of you walk out that door. And let me tell you something, no set of crazy circumstances in the world could make the two of you be here if both of you didn't – on some level – want to be."
"It was the judge's terms, that we had to come here or else –"
Dr. Foster interrupted her protests. "Or else you could have found another judge willing to do it, even if you had to wait a little bit longer. Parker, I'm not judging you or Nate. But you both certainly knew the terms when you came here, and you both definitely knew it wasn't some bizarre requirement of life that you undergo marriage counseling for a marriage you both say you didn't want. That's not to say that maybe you haven't been deluding yourself into thinking that was the case. So why don't you take a minute to think about it and then tell me, for real this time, what it is that you want."
Parker pressed her hands into her eyes and shook her head, partly in sadness, partly in acceptance. It was time to face the truth.
And for all the hard truths she'd come across in her life, hating them had certainly never made any of them go away.
"It doesn't matter what I want," she told the older woman. "Because if there's one thing I know above all else, it's that Nathan Ford never wanted to get married again. And if he did, of all the women in the world, I'd be the last one he'd choose."
"Is that why, of all the women in the world, you're the one he married?"
The statement gave her pause and she realized, then, that no matter how crazy their situation was, Foster was right. Parker swallowed. "We weren't in our right minds, and the fact is I know he'd never consider marrying me – in fact, he'd never consider being in a relationship with me."
"Oh really? Did he tell you that?"
"Trust me. I know."
"Parker, I think you need to at least talk to him about –"
"He's my family!" Parker burst out against her will. "How do you not understand that I can't risk losing him? It would mean losing everything. All of our friends! It's a risk I can't take. That I won't take."
Dr. Foster allowed her a moment to collect herself before continuing on in that equally maddening and soothing tone. "If he's your family as you say, then don't you think he'd want to know how you feel?"
Parker forced aside all emotions and pressed her lips together in a thin line of protest. "I don't know what you're talking about, Dr. Foster. There's nothing to tell." She stood, signaling she was done with the conversation.
"Don't think that by shutting yourself off completely you're guaranteeing you hold onto the people closest to you," Foster said, standing as well. "I'm telling you from experience, Parker. In the short run it may work, but in the long run it's the most effective means to drive people away."
"Good thing I'm not you, then," Parker told her bluntly.
She wasn't risking her entire existence on the suggestion of some counselor who thought she knew what was best for people she barely knew.
No matter if she liked the advice.
No matter if it made sense.
No matter if following through with it would make her happier.
She knew more about risks than Dr. Katherine Foster. And this was one she would never take.
Because even supposing the woman was right (and Parker was sure she'd never believe such a thing) she'd rather live forever with her current level of contentment than dare hope for more and lose everything in the process.
"Parker?" Nate asked from the doorway. He must have gotten tired of waiting for her outside.
"That's a lovely necklace you're wearing," Foster said quickly.
Parker couldn't move. The woman had not just said that.
The statement got Nate's attention, as it had been designed to do.
"Do you keep a charm on it or…" Foster trailed off.
Parker shot her a look she truly wished would kill. The woman knew very well what was on the chain she wore around her neck. And Nate didn't. Which was the problem. But there was no way out of this.
"It's…my wedding ring," she reluctantly admitted.
"Why don't you tell us why you keep your ring with you, Parker?" Foster asked, and Parker hated her more in that moment than anyone in her entire life, which was saying something if you knew the types of people she'd come across in three decades.
"I like it," she said simply, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. "It's pretty. That's all."
It wasn't Foster that questioned that, but Nate. "You're Parker," Nate gave her an assessing glance. "You don't like anything unless it's expensive – or stolen. And that ring is definitely neither."
"I like it. That's all. I don't keep it for any particular reason," she lied again, meeting Nate's eyes. And she saw that he knew she was lying. Only he wasn't quite sure why.
Her gaze strayed to his hand. He didn't keep his wedding ring with him because he thought rationally. He knew it meant nothing. Parker knew it too, she didn't need someone to tell her that. But even that – even knowing that it had no significance to him – wasn't enough to get rid of her own ring. No matter what he thought or felt now, at the time, he had willingly given her that ring and sworn to stay with her forever.
Which meant that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't just give a symbol like that away.
She knew why she kept her ring, but she didn't always know why she wore it. Sometimes she felt it pulling at her with a demand she could not name. Sometimes it weighed her down so much that she imagined if she jumped in the ocean, it would sink her. And other times…
She thought it might keep her from drowning.
That day, in Foster's office, he didn't ask her about the ring again. Maybe because he knew she'd never give him a straight answer. Or maybe because he already suspected what that answer would be.
XXXXXX
"Sadly, I must say this ends our tenth and final session," Foster told them. "You two have successfully completed my course."
Parker sighed with barely contained relief. The past few sessions, in particular, had made her feel extremely confined. All she wanted to do was leave the woman's office and never return.
"If I may, though, before you leave?" Foster said, a faint hint of pleading in her voice.
Parker was halfway out the door but Nate stopped her. "Of course, Doctor," he said. Why did he always have to follow social conventions of politeness?
"I've seen many couples in my twenty years of family counseling," Foster said, standing up and moving behind her desk. "Generally I can tell which ones have a chance of lasting and which ones are destined for divorce. In the latter cases I always hope I'm wrong, but most of the time, my instincts are right. I'm going to sign these papers for you, and you're free to legally obtain a divorce, however, I have to let you know that what I see when I look at both of you is a marriage that can be saved. I sincerely hope that you reconsider your decision to end your marriage. If you ever feel the need to seek further counseling, either as a couple or individually," (this last directed at Parker, who bristled at the insinuation), "my door is always open."
Parker didn't want to hear any more, but Nate still prevented her from leaving. "We appreciate what you've done for us, Dr. Foster," Nate told her.
"It was my pleasure," Katherine Foster told them, coming over to shake each of their hands. Nate nodded and left. Parker was about to follow when the psychiatrist stopped her. "I know you love each other very much," she said. "I hope that you both tell each other that before it's too late to do anything about it."
Parker shifted uncomfortably. Who exactly did this woman think she was? "You don't know what you think you know."
Dr. Foster smiled slightly, and it was tinged with sadness. "I did enjoy meeting with you and your husband, Parker. I hope that one of these days you both really look at each other, because I think you'd be surprised at what you saw."
Parker left without another word.
XXXXXX
One more chapter, posted within a few days, just need to finish editing. Thanks for reading and thanks to all reviewers!