Sirius was waiting for him in the meadow, on the little hill they liked to lie on as they stared up at all the stars. Remus had named more of them for Sirius, though he refused to name them all. Sirius liked when Remus named things. It always meant something good.
He heard Remus coming before he saw him, and Sirius sat up quickly, grinning widely as he approached.
"What did you bring me this time?"
"Greedy thing," Remus chided, hiding his hands behind his back. "Perhaps I didn't bring you anything."
"You brought yourself. I don't need anything more." Sirius spoke the words with a grave sincerity that made Remus soften immediately.
"Here." Smiling, he handed Sirius a battered knapsack, and Sirius shivered as their fingers brushed. Even the smallest touch set off a nova of warmth that he couldn't get enough of. As if reading his mind, Remus drew him in and hugged him tenderly before dropping down and patting the ground beside him. "Open it up."
He plunged eagerly into the depths of the bag and pulled out a bar of chocolate, immediately tearing open the wrapping and biting off a huge piece that bulged out his cheek as he grinned at Remus. Sirius held out the bar in offering, but Remus waved it away.
"It's all for you."
Unwilling to draw out the suspense, Sirius turned the bag upside down and emptied the contents on the ground. With a happy cry, he tore off his filthy, tattered robe, unmindful of his nudity before Remus as he began to don the clothes Remus had brought this time. A faded T-shirt with a picture on the chest that he couldn't quite make out in the darkness, a pair of jeans worn to softness and frayed at the pockets and hems, and a dark leather jacket completed the ensemble. He spun, arms out, and beamed down at Remus. "How do I look?"
"Just like yourself." Remus smiled up at him, but his eyes were tired and sad. "That's your favorite get up." Sirius sank down next to him and reached out with a hand that wanted to tremble. He didn't want Remus to be sad. If he was sad here, he might not come back again.
As always, Remus seemed to know what he wanted, drawing him into the circle of his arms and holding him against his chest until the pounding in Sirius' heart calmed. He knew what Remus wanted, too, but Sirius was too afraid to try and give it to him. He was selfish. He knew that, but Remus wanted so much. So much. And Sirius was deathly afraid.
"Just try." Remus sighed, rubbing circles against the small of Sirius' back. "Please try for me. Try to remember."
His throat clicked as Sirius tried to swallow dry.
"I...I used to know another boy called Remus."
"Yes," Remus whispered, arms tightening painfully around him. "You did."
"My Remus looked like you. And...and." Sirius shuddered. "I knew a boy called James." The quick intake of breath made Sirius look up and meet Remus' eyes. "He died."
His tears soaked the front of Remus' shirt and then his lap as Sirius curled up in a ball and wept for what seemed like forever. Only the gentle hands in his hair kept him there, a boy, when the urge to become Padfoot, or better even, just the dog, was burning through his shattered senses. He thought Remus cried, too, but he didn't open his eyes to see.
After the longest silence in the world, Sirius spoke again. "I killed him."
The sound of Remus' shuddering breath was a susurration, slithering down Sirius' spine to pebble and chill his skin. But Remus only said, "Tell me what happened."
"There was a secret. A very important secret," Sirius began slowly, reciting in sing song like a small child. "James and...and Lily...Lily." His fingers clutched Remus' trousers, digging into the flesh beneath. "Please don't make me do this."
A thumb brushed the line of his jaw. "You have to. It's the only way. Please, Sirius."
Bitter sorrow made his voice shake. "The secret. I knew it. James and Lily knew it. Peter."
"You remember Peter?"
Sirius lurched up, his face twisting. "Yes, Peter. I remember him. We changed in the end. It was my idea. Peter would keep the secret. No one would expect it. And Peter did it. He betrayed them, but it was my fault they died. My fault."
He looked at Remus in dread of what he'd find on his face, but Remus gazed into nothing, a look of dawning comprehension spreading over his face. "Is that why you killed Peter? Because he betrayed them?"
"I didn't kill him!"
The cry jerked Remus out of his daze and he gave Sirius a sharp look. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, he's not dead. Not by my hand. He cut off his finger and killed all those people! He ran off. He-"
"Transformed and snuck off to find himself a little rat hole to cower in," Remus interrupted in a dreamy voice. "It all makes sense now."
Sirius nodded, not questioning how Remus knew. Remus knew everything. Was everything.
"The only thing..." Sirius watched anxiously as Remus chewed at his bottom lip, a frown creasing his brow. "The only thing is...you didn't tell Remus about the change?"
"No," Sirius whispered, his shoulders slumping as he closed his eyes against the shame and sorrow that seemed to be trying to batter their way out of his chest. "I thought...I thought..."
"You thought he was the spy."
Miserably, Sirius nodded. "He didn't know I thought that. My Remus thought I trusted him, still."
"Why?" The shades of pain inflecting Remus' voice made Sirius look up in wide-eyed fear. He could see Remus-strong, safe Remus-disintegrating right in front of his eyes. Panic catapulted him forward, clutching at Remus' shoulders and arms desperately. "Why?"
"I...I don't know. I can't remember any reasons now. Please, Remus. What's wrong?"
Remus shook his head back and forth, and then he shoved Sirius away, making him moan with anguish. His head reeled as Remus stood, looming above him like a dark shadow so that Sirius couldn't read his face in the darkness. Remus took a step backward and then another, and then he was running away from Sirius, ignoring Sirius' strangled cry, into the edges of the darkness where Sirius could never follow.