Starting From Scratch
Written by:HoshiHikari
Disclaimer: I do not own CSI NY
Summary:On a stormy winter's night, Mac boards a flight heading back to New York. Due to the weather conditions, the plane crashes and although Mac makes it out alive, he is struck with amnesia. Stella takes on the task of helping Mac cope with his memory loss while trying her best to make him remember everything at was lost—mainly how the two of them turned from co-workers to best friends to a married couple with an 8 year old daughter.
Parings: Mac and Stella
Chapter 6
Let me in. Let me help you through this.
Stella's words rang in his ears even as the two of them left the shopping center with a new blouse. Somehow the words bothered him more so then anything else she had said to him since he had woken up in the hospital. Maybe it was the words itself or maybe it was the way she had said it. There was so much hope, determination and even a sense of desperateness that had caught him completely off guard. Hope and determination was expected but the desperateness coming off of Stella had been completely foreign to Mac and so he had done the one thing he knew how to. He had changed the topic.
Maybe it was the change in topic that had really bothered him. He had watch Stella's face literally shatter before him. Of course a moment later she had regained composure again but for that split second he had seen the pain he had caused, the hurt that he created with the unsaid implications that he wasn't ready to let her in or give her what she wanted at this point in time or ever for that matter.
To know that he was capable of causing so much pain was unthinkable and quite unnerving. And with that realization he had also come to realize the heart of the matter. This really wasn't about the fights of what Stella had chosen or chosen not to tell him. This was deeper and stemmed from the the unconditional love that Stella had been trying to offer but had been rejected, the fear that he would shut her from his life. But he couldn't really do that could he? After all he was her work partner and father of their child. Their lives were entangled. But that wasn't only what she wanted was it? He knew she wanted him but that was one thing he couldn't give. Then again who was he to say what could and couldn't happen. After all he had hurt her in a way that he was sure no one else had hurt her before so maybe...
Mac threw up his hands and let out a frustrated growl, immediately drawing the attention of his partner and effectively bringing him back to the present.
"Mac?" Stella asked hesitantly. She too had felt the tension between them after they had left the Starbucks. They hadn't said more then necessary and knowing him for as long as she had, knew that something wasn't just bothering him, it was eating at him.
"Talk to me Mac." Stella asked. "What's really bothering you?"
"Nothing."
"Mac." Stella pressed. She stared at him deeply, making him break her gaze and squirm.
"It's unnerving how you can see right into me, even better then Claire ever could. I feel so vulnerable when you can read me like an open book."
"You read me very well too."
"Perhaps. Maybe when I actually did remember..."
"Is this what it's about Mac? The amnesia?"
"That and..."
"That and..." Stella echoed.
"Why are you still here Stella?"
"What?"
"How can you even stand being around me when I hurt..."
"All couples fight Mac. That's natural." Stella cut in.
"you like no one's ever hurt you before." Mac finished. "At Starbucks when you asked me to let you in and I changed the topic, I saw..."
"You saw..." Again Stella echoed Mac's words.
"Your face. I hurt you Stella and that was utterly unacceptable and..."
"That's what's bothering you Mac?" Stella asked in shocked. Out of everything she had thought of, she hadn't thought of this.
"I never want to see that look ever again. You're my partner and friend and I hurt you. I'm sorry Stella. I'm so sorry for hurting you, for not being able to return what you seek." Now that he had told her this, Mac suddenly felt better then when it was bottled inside.
Stella wrapped her arms around Mac and pulled him close to her.
"In sickness and in health." She murmurer in his ear. "I love you and nothing is going to ever change that. I know the amnesia is hard on you. Believe me its hard on me too but no matter how hard it gets I'm not running away. If you really consider me as your partner and friend then let me help you through this as one. We can do this at your pace. We'll do this together."
"I don't know what I did to ever deserve your unconditional love Stella."
"Believe me, the feeling's mutual."
"I'll take your word for it."
"Yes, you do that..."
"and you have my word that I will try. I need you Stella but you have to realize that..."
"I know."
"but I will try..."
"That's all that I ask Mac. All I want is to be given the chance."
"Who am I to deny you one. It's just..."
"Claire's still fresh in you mind. I understand."
"That and that I'm...I'm scared. I'm scared of messing up and losing my friend, partner, wife and daughter because of something I did or didn't do. Jennifer's a wonderful girl. I don't want her taken from me."
"The only reason she'll be out of your life is if you're a neglectful parent." Stella said even. "I know you're scared Mac. I'm just as scared because there's so much at stake. It's like exploring new territory, no, this is new territory. We're back to step one all over again, back to getting to know each other all over again and if that's not a little nerve wrecking then I don't know what is. Still I'm willing because I know we'll pull out on top. We always did and we always will. Believe in us Mac."
"I'm tempted to fall onto my knee and ask you to marry me Stella." Mac said, finally pulling away from Stella.
"Thought we were taking this slow? Not that I mind."
"Thought it was at my pace?"
"Whenever you're ready Mac."
"Whenever I'm ready." Mac agreed.
"So what now?"
"How about some spicy orange chicken?" Mac asked with uncertainty. "Start with something familiar and then we can go from there."
"How can a man with no memories of the last 17 years be fit to be released from the hospital? How can you let a man who doesn't know who he is, where he lives or who is important to him be allowed out of this hospital alone." Sinclair demanded as he stepped even closer to Dr. Gordon.
"With all due respect Chief, Detective Taylor knows who he is, where he works and who the most important people in his life are. He just can't remember the last 17 years of his life. He is not physically injured and besides he demanded..."
"Of course he demanded to be released. Your expertise as a doctor should have overridden his poor judgment. At the very least you should have released him to the care of his wife, mother or even the police station." Sinclair took in a deep breath. "Because of your poor judgment this hospital is now under investigation for malpractice."
"But Chief surely my actions do not warrant..."
"Do you know how many enemies Mac Taylor has in this city, Doctor? If just one of them catches wind of the situation the consequences will be dire. If my head of the crime lab becomes the next crime scene, I'll make sure you and this hospital takes partial blame of the incident."
"It's times like these that I have to disagree with you on the three things that you will protect at any cost."
"Oh?" Mac raised an eyebrow. The fork with the piece of orange spicy chicken attached to it lingered in mid air.
"You should see your face Mac, its in utter heaven." Stella continued. "I swear Taylor one of these days you'll die trying to protect spicy orange chicken, but from what I have no idea.."
Stella watched as Mac's face scrunched up into a look of incredulity. The two of them were sharing a comfortable lunch at a small Chinese restaurant and Stella just couldn't help help teasing the man in front of him.
"Really Stella?"
"Really Mac. I know you'll kill to get your hands on them. Hence if you're willing to do that then you're willing to protect them to death. It's very logical, don't you think?"
"Right. Well then what are the other two?"
"Spicy" Here Stella put up her index finger. "Orange." She put up her middle finger. "Chicken." She put up her ring finger. "I don't know Mac, looks like three things to me."
"You're unbelievable Stella." Mac ate his piece of chicken and then poked at another one. "Utterly unbelievable."
"Hey but it worked didn't it? Made you relax. You were so tense before and..."
"And so it did." Mac interrupted. "Thank you."
The two continued to eat in comfortable silence.
"And Stella," Mac said just as he paid for lunch. "There are 5 things that I'll protect at any cost."
"The country, the city and the integrity of the lab. What are the other two?"
"You're a detective, Bonasera. You tell me."
"Still no signs of McCanna?" Mrs. Taylor asked over the phone.
"No I'm sorry." Sinclair replied.
"And Stella, where you able to contact her. I tried calling but.."
"She's not picking up, I know" The chief said with exasperation. "New York's not that big. I'm tempted to put Mac on missing persons. That''ll definitely speed up the process."
"I hear a but in there."
"Mac won't be happy, neither would Stella for that matter. I'm hesitant to mobilize on the off chance that we're wrong. Besides I need someone to make the report and..."
"I can report my son missing can't I?"
"Yes. You do know your son is pretty big in this city Mrs. Taylor. Making it official will not only attract uniforms but possible enemies."
"More the reason to get to him soon."
"How about I make you a deal. If Mac doesn't turn up in an hour, I'll send out the bulletin."
"Welcome home Mac." Stella said as the two of them got out of the cab. Like a little child she tugged at Mac's arm and dragged him towards the apartment building.
"But I thought I lived..."
"We agreed to move to a new place, one that we could make our own. Besides my place was too small for three people and your place well.." Stella hesitated. "Just seemed weird for us to live in the same apartment that you shared with Claire."
"I understand." Mac said ever so quietly, though he didn't seem fine.
Stella took Mac's hand and squeezed it.
"Are you okay?"
"I will be. It's just this makes everything more real. You know" Mac squeezed back. "us."
And then he let go of Stella's hand and pushed pass her.
"Come on Stella. Give me the grand tour."
"Mac."
"I'm okay Stella."
Reluctantly Stella caught up to Mac, wrapped her arm around his and then slowly led the way.
"We can always do this tonight if you're not ready." Stella paused putting the key in the lock but did not turn it.
"We're here already Stella."
"Told you Mac. We're doing this at your pace."
"We're doing us at my pace. Have to eventually come home."
"Oh Mac."
"Please Stella before I really get the jitters and run away from doing this, doing any of this."
"Running's not the answer Mac."
"I know."
Stella gave Mac another hug before turning the key and letting them inside.
"McCanna Boyld Taylor, where in the world did you run off to young man?"
Mac froze in the doorway at being addressed like that. It took a full minute before he realized it was his mother speaking from the couch.
"Mother!" Mac managed. He felt Stella pull him all the way into the apartment before hearing the door close behind him.
"Well son?"
"Starbucks, shopping center, Chinese restaurant. Why are you here mom?"
"I'm here in case you show up."
"But?"
"But what? You discharged yourself from the hospital without notifying anyone, not to mention you discharged yourself to no one. Everyone's worried. In fact in less then 10 minutes the Chief's going to put you on missing persons."
"But.." Mac sputtered. "But Stella was with me the whole time!"
"Really?" Mrs. Taylor's eyes shifted onto Stella and then back onto Mac. "But she was the one to raise the alarm."
"Well Mac was missing but then I bumped into him or rather he bumped into me fairly quickly and we've been together since." Stella confirmed. "I should have called but I was distracted."
"I see and others couldn't call you because..."
Stella pulled out her phone and frowned.
"It's dead."
"Speaking of calling, better call Sinclair to tell him that I'm fine." Mac excused himself from the other two.
"So how was the date?" Mrs. Taylor asked Stella once Mac was out of ear-shot.
"Date?" This time it was Stella who was sputtering.
"Starbucks, shopping, Chinese restaurant and not to mention doing them as a couple, if that's not a date then..."
"It went better then expected." Stella cut in. "It's difficult having this underlying distance between us. It's awkward and..."
"In time this will pass." Mrs. Taylor reassured. "In time everything will turn out right. Just have to believe in yourself, in Mac and in the two of you as a couple."
Very sorry for the terrible wait. Mostly about Mac turning but being hesitant all the same. Hopefully now that he's willing to try that he and Stella can work on them, even if it means as simple as dating all over again. More on the others later on. Please remember to Review!