FOURTH SONG: Dizzy Mizz Lizzy - Too Close to Stab

Music. The bass so loud my chest vibrates with every beat. The air dense and thick with smoke, voices, and sweat from the dancing people. I move through the crowd, trying to be really nimble about it, but it's sorta' difficult when the alcohol is pushing the floor up into my face. I'm striding for the bar, trying to shuffle around groups of people chatting and laughing really loudly. I keep my eye on my ultimate goal, pretty much too wasted to concentrate on anything else, which is why I totally do not notice Kanda stumble in from the side. Not until he whacks me over the head, anyway.

"Grrrr..." He sounds annoyed. But doesn't he always? I yelp from the pain on my head and shoot him an accusing look.

"Sheez, Yuu, I was jus' gonna get anoth' beer, s'all, man," I am not impressed with my own articulation. Just how drunk am I actually? I'm not really sure...

"Fuck you, tard. You said you'd be going home by twelve. You have a flight to catch tomorrow morning, did you forget already?!"

Oh, that's right. I'm gonna leave for London tomorrow. Have to be up at 7 am, too. Wait, what's the clock, now? I can't spot any clocks. Oh, what the heck. I can always leave at a later date.

"And no you can't leave at a later date. If you put it off, you'll miss that damn congress. Or whatever the fuck it was."

Stupid Yuu, reading my thoughts. Or maybe it had just showed on my face. I get angry at myself for letting my guard down, letting Kanda know that I just want to procrastinate.

"Shut up. Tis' not like I wanna leave!"

And immediately my eyes go wide. Oh shit. Number one symptome of tipsyness: spluttering words before you think them. Embarrassingly honest words. And Kanda's eyes are wide, too.

And we both know, that those words are the ones that I've been wanting to say these past five weeks. Ever since the old panda decided we should move, so we can study history in England. There is this big congress on Saturday that we can't miss. About pyramids...

But the words "I don't want to leave," has been a tabu. I'm not supposed to let it show. We have always moved around a lot, Bookman and I. He tutored me himself, taught me everything I know. My entire future - and past for the matter of fact - lies with that old man. Knowledge and history is, like, the base of his existence. And it has become mine, too.

Kanda knows that.

But ever since the panda and I moved here two years ago, suddenly i got really attached to the people who live here. Maybe it's because i went to school, for once? I have no idea. "Attachment" hasn't been a problem before. And now i find it hard to leave this place.

And Kanda knows that too.

And he is fucking furious.

Kanda is a man of his words. He acts like a dick, but he's actually very loyal and strong hearted. Nothing can waver his belief in the path he is walking. He never regrets anything. And maybe he knows, that if I leave Bookman now, I'll always regret it. I decided to follow him, and take his place when he passes away. And Yuu, the stubborn asshole, wants to make sure I stay strong and keep my promises. It's his own way of showing that... he cares. Somewhere deep down. I guess. Pherhaps. Sort of. Kinda'.. Or maybe he's just eager to get rid of me, what do I know.

Kanda lets my statement slide, but he seems really mad. Suddenly I feel so exhausted. I let him drag me out of the house, into the cool night air. I sober somewhat up, but still feel dizzy. I lean heavily on Kanda, trying not to stagger, wondering how I got this juiced when I had only been at the party for, like... uhm...

"Dude, what time issit?" I murmer, still annoyed that I seemingly can't speak properly.

"2.30," is the court reply.

That late? Whoa, I'd stayed longer than planned. I sigh deeply.

The air is cooling against my face. The streets in this neighbourhoodare silent, and only half of the lamp posts are lit. My ears are ringing from the loud music. I feel lightheaded, and in a moment of complete, and utter true enlightment (or drunkenness), I get an incredible urge to just give up everything. Take the first the best bus to Mexico and start a salad bar. Or something. I giggle into Yuu's shoulder at the thought.

"What?" he still sounds angry.

"Nah, s'nothin," I say, because I can't possibly tell him how weak I really am. Why would I? No matter how much he denies it, we have had a sort of friendship since that fateful day, two years ago. My first day in school, when I had called him Yuu-Chan, and he had almost chopped my head off. Ah, those were the days. Ever since, all the time we've spent together, whenever I'd feel down, I'd hide it. I am a master actor, after all. Lately, though, I get the feeling he sees right through my masquerade. Like he did just before, at the bar. And it unnerves me. But somehow it's also nice. Pherhaps. A little. Maybe. In the odd relieving kind of way.

We reach the busstop. Line 14 will be here in fifteen minutes. And as the drunk and honest bastard I am, I start babbeling.

"M' sorry Yuu. I made ya mad, right? I didn't mean it, ya'no. And sorry I totally missed the time. Didn't wanna make you have to drag me home like this, and I'm really sor..."

"Shut the fuck up." Bold as ever.

"Huh?" God, I am so stoned.

"I said: Shut the fuck up. You're drunk. I don't want to listen to your blabbering. You weren't even gonna say goodbye, were you?"

And it took me six seconds and two baffled blinks to go over that sentence in my head.

"Awwwwwwwww, Yuu-chan!! You're gonna miss meeeee?" and I tease him, because know I can easily get him all flared up. He yells back, don't call me that!, and behind the mocking and flying insults, I can hide my guilt.

Because I wasn't going to say goodbye. I would just have left.

And Kanda knows. And that makes it hurt.

I lean on Yuu again, and use my silly don't worry the awesome Lavi is here-voice

"I'm totally gonna send you guys postcards, y'know!"

Yuu seems to have given up, and his anger lowers a tad. His voice is no longer really mad, just generally pissed, like it is by default. I'm a lost cause, it seems. And he will never know how much I wanted him to just say, yeah, idiot, I'll miss you.

"Get off me, rabbit, or I will stab you with something sharp and lethal"

"Which is funny, Yuu, 'cus you can't possibly stab me when you're standing so close"

Authors Rant:

~You cannot stab me, baby, when you're standing so clooose, yeah~~ It's rock'n'roll, FTW

I started writing this at, like... 11.35 pm. Apparantly, that was a little too late to make anythin' decent. Thus - if you spot any - the time, spelling and grammar mistakes. Also, why do I feel like this drabble has little to none resemblance with the song?? And why is angst so much easier to write than humour?

Qritique (as well as mindless babble) reviews always appreciated.

D. Gray-man (C) Hoshino Katsura

November 21. 2009

Edit nov23: REVISED!! Tried to sort out the mistakes here and there