Impressions of a Time

In His Eyes

I look back on that time with confused feelings. That is of course a gross understatement, but I hope you'll forgive me that. Forgive me… I suppose that's what this whole mess was about. Hyne knows I wanted to be forgiven, but I didn't expect it. I wouldn't even ask for it. I would never ask for anyone to give what I wouldn't, and I wouldn't be forgiving myself any time soon.

That was a good portion of what went through my head as I sat listening to another group of accusers discussing my future or lack there of. Everyone who was really important was there. Leaders of every nation, leaders of the Gardens, and the 'Saviors of the World' were all sitting around that huge table. Even Matron had a pity place among the throng, though she was wearing a mask of empathy and misery, rather than rage and excitement that most of the others sported. Though I hated to see, her expression made me need to know what was shown on the faces of my old friends, the people I'd done my utmost to kill. The people I'd failed to kill… Their faces were a study of the human condition, I'm sure.

Squall, who'd so deftly transcended being my rival, had an expression that almost looked like indifference until you caught his eyes. He'd no doubt like to see me dead. I couldn't blame him for that. I felt the best thing they could decide for the both of us would be to let him end my miserable life himself.

Rinoa, for all that I'd done to her, only looked sad. That hurt so much more than Squall's anger. Between me and my bitch of a mistress, and those bastards in Esthar we nearly destroyed her life a dozen times. And what did she do to deserve that? Been in the right place at the right time to get screwed over, I suppose.

Chicken…Zell looked angry, but somehow it's halfhearted. Looking at them all, halfhearted seemed to be the day's theme. Hyne, but they all looked so tired. It was hard to draw the other emotions they felt from their faces and posture. Whatever they thought about me was buried as inconsequential in the face of overwhelming weariness.

That's when I nearly go myself prodded by an edgy guard with a live pain lance for breaking my silence. My time to speak was over and I had sworn my little remaining honor that I would wait in silence for my judgment. And I nearly lost it by laughing at this stupid thought that wouldn't leave my head. 'The guys save the whole damn world and you won't even let them take a vacation?'

I was carried through the session with thoughts of other places and a little of other times. It didn't really matter if I heard what was said. I'd find out sooner or later anyway. I was resolved to pay them no attention at all, when that little firecracker Selphie stood up and shouted for them all to stop. Some things can be ignored, but Selphie with something to say has never been one of them. I don't think I'll ever forget that little speech.

"Haven't we seen enough? Haven't we done enough? It's just got to be enough some time or else the war never really ended and we're just gonna keep killing each other until the next one starts, but then who can tell the difference?" She glared around at world leaders like they were little kids, caught one too many times with their hands in the cookie jar. "I don't… I can't…Oh, I'm just so sick of it I can't talk straight. I'm just so sick of all this anger, and hate, and blame. Can't we just all go home and start living again? Don't any of you have families," a sob caught in her throat and she only just squeezed the rest of the words from her mouth, "that you should be with instead?"

Irvine, Quistis, Rinoa and Zell were all over themselves trying to console her. Squall even spared her an anxious glance. That glance was returned by Quistis and both gazes became focused for the shared thoughts. From there the resolution seemed to spread through all six and all I could do was wonder how many of them realized what power threatened to level against them. I did, and I shivered at the thought of it, and only partly in fear.

Quistis stood, her gaze directly on President Arcen of Galbadia. "You have heard testimony of several witnesses that the accused could not be held responsible for his actions. Despite this you have held out for greater and greater sentences to 'make an example' of your chosen scapegoat." Finally being out of the line of fire, I could appreciate the beauty of when those blue eyes frosted over. Though, maybe I'd thought them beautiful before. I always did have a thing for flirting with danger… Realizing I'd missed some of what she was saying I pulled my thoughts together to refocus on her words. "You have even gone so far in your arrogance to claim that no one would mourn his loss just as no one would accept responsibility for him." I wondered how arrogant a claim it actually was. "Well, I am going to debunk your statement now and make an end of this sordid business. I would mourn him, if you were allowed to unjustly take his life. If it's necessary to move on from these mockeries of proceedings, I shall take responsibility for him."

I couldn't imagine what she was thinking. My closest guess was that she was just that angry. She was proving she'd say or do anything to get them. I almost wanted to cheer and almost wanted to shout at her and ask what the hell she thought she was accomplishing. From the looks on the Galbadians faces, they were leaning toward the latter option. It took them a moment to regroup. When they did, the president asked in a strained voice, "And what authority do you have to take responsibility for him?"

Well, they kind of had her there, didn't they? It's not like she could claim to represent Garden. We grew up together, but we were not family in any vaguely legal terms. She'd been my teacher but… that was little more promising than the other options.

Without hesitation and a completely straight face she told them, "He is my fiancé." And to think that if my body had reacted in some way other than shutting down in complete shock it could have all been over then. She really would say anything to spite these bastards.

In Her Eyes

If Selphie had not spoken, Rinoa would have. If not Rinoa, Irvine, Zell, or even I would have stepped up and demanded to know why we were still doing this. If none of us had found the nerve or the words Squall would have stopped it in our place. Somewhere, just like Selphie had said, enough had been enough.

Selphie's words touched us all. It's almost funny that after everything, the only thought every one of us had was 'Hyne, can't it just be over?' When she said it, no matter what else we were thinking, the only thing that mattered was that it stop right here.

Even so, I'm not sure where half the things I said came from. There was the me that was speaking, acting self assured in front of the world's most important people. Then there was the me that was shouting in the back of my head 'What the hell are you doing?' There wasn't much of an answer I could give me, especially after I claimed to be engaged to Seifer Almasy. I have no answer. I'm not even entirely sure why it worked. If they'd had the stomach to question me further I'm sure I would have backed down and begged them to believe it was all temporary insanity. Then again, the way I was feeling at the time, I might not have remembered how to back down. They let it pass, and the angry flush I'd been working up served to mask just how much I was blushing at my own claim. Life was going to prove… interesting.

The Distance of Togetherness

There was too much shock for there to be much conversation yet and I was grateful for that. I wanted to know what was going on as much as anyone else, but explaining was something I could go forever without.

The few things that could still be called mine were dropped off into an apartment I would be sharing with my one time instructor. I was here to prove that I was a good man, and if I could manage it, I would get away with murder. The thought settled over me like a blanket of needles: heavy, warm, and prickly.

"So, here we are," I don't think I showed any sign of being startled when she broke the silence, but I felt it. I could only manage to say nothing at all, so she went on. "It's a strange arrangement," another fine understatement, "but it's the one we're in. Give it and yourself a chance and maybe, just maybe we can move on. Please, Seifer, just play the part until you're not being watched anymore and you can go your own way again."

I looked at her and was surprised to find her eyes on the ground instead of on me, demanding my compliance. It was incomprehensible and maddening as hell. She'd stuck her neck out, Hyne knows why, for me and was asking me to give things a chance. "Why'd you lie for me? If you just wanted things over you should have just called for my execution. That was within Garden's rights."

She sighed and I wondered if maybe I'd asked a dumber question than I'd thought. "One death too many, I guess. Tomorrow I may get sent on a mission and I'll do my duty to garden and eliminate who I have to. I'm not going enjoy it. I won't be proud of it like I've made some great accomplishment. If I don't have to do it, I'll be grateful for the reprieve."

"A reprieve," I repeated and felt like maybe I understood just a little. I'd wished often enough that it was all over. Maybe for a few moments I'd even been so desperate as to imagine that it already was.

"Besides, I can't stand President Arcen. The sooner he falls from power and Caraway takes over the better. Not that I have any love for Rinoa's esteemed and estranged father. I just hate seeing men whose vision of the future ends with the night's dinner, with the power to lead a country- a country with a strong military."

I winced at that for more than one reason. Looking too far was assuredly as bad as only looking at the moment. Also, the Galbadian army definitely didn't have the numbers it boasted before I'd crossed its path. "Galdbadia isn't a threat anymore, not really. Esthar will be its watch dog for a long time to come. I'm sure Arcen won't outlast that. Caraway might not either."

Quistis sighed at that. "Yeah, you're right. I even realized it before, but sometimes I like to forget. The war hasn't ended, it's only gone cold. I get sick of hearing and saying it, but I guess that will just have to be good enough." I could only nod. She was right; things would just have to be good enough. In my case they were a sight better than they probably should be.

It had been a long day and I had a lot to think about. It was obvious that Quistis felt the same so without another word, we nodded our goodnights and retired to our respective rooms. I know I meant to get things sorted out in my head, but sleep claimed me quickly and mercilessly. It seemed like I'd only blinked my eyes and it was morning.

At first it wasn't apparent to my fully muddled mind, but within moments I became aware of what had awakened me. In irregular, but small intervals an altogether too happy laugh was coming from the front room. When I got up, I'm relatively certain I meant to tell it to stop. Finding the source however, stopped me cold.

Quistis Trepe, resident hardass, was sitting in front of the TV, laughing at a cartoon, the kind we didn't get to watch as kids. "Just when I think I've seen it all, you find a new way to knock me on my ass." I muttered it but she heard me anyway.

"I didn't think you'd get up so early." Her face fell into her 'regular' mask, looking serious despite the animated figures slapping each other around on the screen that was now behind her. It was ludicrous, it was all ludicrous, everything about my situation. Naturally I took the opportunity to laugh. She switched off the TV and started scowling and for a moment I wondered at my regret. Still looking annoyed with me she started talking 'business'. "I've got to get ready to report in. I'd suggest that today and the next you stay in the apartment. Let everyone get used to the idea of you before they have to get used to you for real again." She walked over to a suitcase sitting on a table next to the bathroom door and fished out her not-so-dress uniform before slipping into the bathroom for her shower.

It took a few moments to register but eventually my bad morning mind figured out that her things in a suitcase in the middle room meant that she'd taken to sleeping on the couch. My bad karma was increasing with every second I was here. I'd just have to move her things back to the bedroom after she left. Apparently I'd have a lot of time to kill so at least that was something to do. Until she finished getting ready and left I turned the TV back on and auditioned the couch that would be my resting place for however long Hyne willed. I wondered if this could really work or if one or both of us would go mad before Galbadia's eyes turned elsewhere. What was there to wonder? Of course we'd drive each other nuts in record time. She had always had the potential to be the most infuriating woman of my life and I was pretty sure I'd earned a similar title from her.