sorry this took so long, but when I metaphorically opened my metaphorical cupboard I was metaphorically buried beneath a metaphorical mountain of sadly NOT metaphorical homework. disclaimer (sort of): i hold nothing against miley cyrus, despite her calling Twilight a cult, so all views and opinions are those of the individuals and not the views of RuthisAwesome Industries (thats me)

EDWARD'S POV

"Look, I'm really not sure that this is such a good idea."

"Edward, stop whining and let the woman work."

I sighed. "Okay. By the way, where's Jasper gone?"

"Oh, he's still here. I think he had an aneurism."

"Meaning?"

"He's lying on the floor twitching."

"Not again. The doctor warned us about him getting over-amused."

"Are you ready dear?" Deirdre asked.

I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes. It didn't make a difference because I was stuck in a locker, but it felt dramatic. "Just do it!" I felt her hand on my head, there was a twisting motion and suddenly I was in the light!

"Wow," I breathed. "That was amazing!"

Deirdre smiled at me. I have to say, she looked quite stunning in her fluorescent green cardigan. "Well dear, it was some time ago when I was visiting the zoo with my grand step-nephew. We were looking at the loris enclosure. They're a lot like lemurs really."

"Lemurs!" Emmett screamed, but I ignored him.

"So there we were watching them sleep. They're nocturnal you know."

"Really?" I asked, fascinated by her story-telling skills. I'd have to look these up in my Global Prosimian Dictionary.

Deirdre nodded and continued. "One of the little fellows was asleep next to the glass, and when I leant in to get a good look, his huge eyes snapped open!" We gasped loudly. "He flung himself at the glass and burst through!"

"No!" Emmett interrupted in shock.

"He was coming straight for me! But! Before he could reach me – they have very slow metabolisms, you know –"

"No!" Emmett interrupted in shock.

"– as he came for me, a hand flew out, caught him, and saved my life. Her name was Anthony –"

"Her name was Anthony?!" Emmett interrupted in shock.

"EMMETT! Stop interrupting in shock!" I shouted. He went quiet and looked back at Deirdre.

"Her name was Anthony. And after that horrific experience, I knew that I should learn OAP's martial arts self-defence. Anthony taught me everything I know."

"Wait, why was her name Anthony?" I asked, feeling quite confuzzled.

"Oh, her parents got confused with the umbilical cord. Anyhoo, I must dash, this school relies on my receptionist skills!" And with that, off she waddled.

"You know, Emmett, I'll never doubt you again. But how did you know she had such incredible power?"

He tapped the side of his nose and grinned. "You may think I'm stupid, but it's all just a front, while I secretly plan world domination."

"Well, you had me fooled. So what now? I don't really feel like learning."

"Never fear Eddie, I have a plan. Oh, Jasper. You've come back to the land of the living."

Jazz sat up, rubbing his head, and groaned. "I overdid it again, didn't I?"

I nodded. "Just a smidge."

"What happened to my iPod?" Jasper asked, looking at us both suspiciously. Emmett sighed and held it out to him.

"I thought you put it in my car?" Damn it, I'd just got over my confuzzlation, and now it was back again.

"Oh, I hid in it after the lemur attack, so I thought I'd get it out."

"Well, the important thing is that I have it back now and..." Jasper trailed off, then looked up at Emmett, his face darkening. "YOU REPLACED ALL MY SONGS WITH BARBIE GIRL?!"

He shrugged. "It was all Miley Cyrus, and everybody knows she's crap."

"She is NOT!" Jasper screamed, leaping to his feet. "Just because you think the Jonas Brothers are better!"

"The Jonas Brothers are awesome. Miley Cyrus is a whor–"

Jazz screamed again with rage and leapt at Emmett, knocking him backwards. They rolled across the floor until I grabbed hold of them. "Cut it out!" I shouted. They went quiet. "You know what Carlisle said about you two fighting. This is why he banned us from watching Disney Channel!"

Jasper was the first to talk. "So what do we do now?" I looked purposefully at Emmett.

He grinned proudly. "I have a cunning plan..."