I'm going to save any A/N's for the end of the chapters unless I have something important to say before hand...please be sure to read this one as it has important information on the updating of this fanfic...

Thanks so much for reading....This story is Beta's by Scrimmy, she is amazing and I love her dearly...

Thirteen

BPOV

I didn't want to wake up, the back of my eye lids; endless black abyss was more comfortable than the grungy walls I would see when I gave in to consciousness. At least here; in the world I wished I belonged, I had family, I had friends and I had a life. I made people laugh and I even laughed myself. But in reality I haven't laughed in well over six months.

I have been in this group home for almost four years. Apparently nobody wants a lanky 10 year old klutz. It constantly smelled of feet and dirty laundry due to the amount of kids they took in every year. Endless amounts of kids that have been abandoned or left alone, much like myself. Thrown out into the world much too soon to fend for themselves or pushed into a place where no one really truly cares about them. Only because they get a paycheck or volunteer brownie points do they give two shits to the wind about any of us.

That is what the government thinks is best for those abandoned kids; empty compassion and false connections. Life can be a living hell on earth when you are the only one that actually sincerely cares about your feelings.

What keeps you going?

What keeps you motivated to hope that this isn't it, that life will get better?

What keeps me here, in this place where I cry every night when I go to sleep?

It wasn't until the day he came, the day I discovered that my life did have meaning, that I got the answers to those questions consistently floating around in my head. A spark ignited inside me that took my breath away the moment I saw him and I knew he was the reason why. The reason I stayed in persecution, the reason I didn't sneak out the window one night and run as far away from this place as possible. He was the reason I fought with my inner self over the reasons I should have left.

I had been here two years, always staying to myself and not making friends with anyone because I knew it wouldn't last. Everyone in my life has always been temporary, never sticking around long enough to learn one damn thing about me. Like that is the way to grow up. Do you know how screwed up that can make a person? More so in the earlier stages of life.

Well I do and it isn't pretty. I have seen some messed up kids that have been in the system since they were born. Some people think they want to be a foster parent because they want to help kids, some people adopt because they are incapable of bearing any offspring of their own and some people foster for the money it provides every month.

Almost all of these cases end up back at the group home or passed around from home to home. Those are the kids who end up going in and out of jail because that is the only thing they know, the only thing that keeps them constantly under supervision like they have been their whole lives. Some kids will rebel and runaway or throw fits about everything in hopes that someone will actually show real worry about their feelings.

Which brings me to the fact that not one person in my life has asked me how I feel or how I was coping. Maybe that is partly my fault because I refused to see a shrink but they are the fakest of them all. They really don't give a shit, only asking those stupid no precedence questions so they have something to write about in their journal.

Not until he came did I have someone to talk to, to vent, to hold me when I was down or when I needed a friendly companion. When he came into my life, it was like my soul was kicked into gear and I was living again, I was feeling and I was experiencing real happiness for the first time ever.

I had never laughed so much or smiled in my life. We didn't hit it off right away though; we didn't even introduce ourselves when we first met.

I was sitting on the end of a long couch that was used for a bed sometimes when we had too many kids. I had Withering Heights in one hand and my ear buds in the other. Yes I listen to music and read at the same time. It drowns out the people around me completely; guaranteed.

He was brought in by Larry, the overnight guardian whose only job consisted of meeting up with the police when they brought in another child that needed help. He had to settle on the couch because we were overcrowded and that's what it was here for. The only plus side to being here for as long as I have was having a room with a bed; granted, I shared with three other girls, I still had one.

I put my ear buds in and he started talking to me like he was talking to a friend, "What landed you in this dump?" He rested into the couch and Larry had excused himself to his office.

I hadn't turned the volume up so I heard him but wasn't sure if he was speaking to me. I looked in his direction and he was running his hand through his wild hair. "Are you talking to me?" I had asked. I was out of touch with having casual conversations, no one bothered anymore.

"No, I'm talking to the big pink elephant in the room," he said sarcastically. I pulled one of my ear buds out and an incredibly mouthwatering heart wrenching smile formed on his face. That wasn't even the part that left me speechless, it was his eyes. They were emerald green and they sparkled under the yellow light that shown all around us. The worst kind of lighting for reading but the best kind for the vibes this place put off.

"Well, how long have you been here?" He asked a different question this time, probably sensing I didn't want to talk about his previous one. I thought about answering him for a moment, starting a friendly conversation and maybe making a friend. But history repeats itself and the least amount of people I had to lose the better.

"Why does it matter?" I said putting the ear bud back in my ear.

"Aren't you a snooty little bitch," he snarled and I turned the volume up. He knew nothing about me and anything he said wouldn't matter in a few days time. He would be chosen to go to a foster home or he would be out of my life forever. So I silently gave him the finger before jumping into my book.

Not a day went by that he didn't try and talk to me and I didn't respond. My heart was telling me to let him in, to drop the walls I have built so strong around me and for once confide in someone. But I couldn't do it, not until about two months later.

"Bella, I think you need a friend and I'm trying really hard to be that for you, but if you won't fucking let me in what am I supposed to do? I can't just sit around this shit hole all day talking to a mute."

That's when I knew I could do it; I could break down the walls for him if no one else, and use him as my coping mechanism. The thought of him giving up on me was enough to make me see that. We talked that day, more than I have talked to someone in years. I had cooped up all of my impurities and it was poisoning me gradually as time passed. I think he knew I needed to let it out; that is why he hounded me so much over the first couple of months he was here.

By the time my 12 birthday rolled around we were inseparable, you would not find one of us without the other. He had been here for seven months and I couldn't be happier. More than a few potential guardians came and had their eyes set on Edward, who could blame them, he was the epitome of gorgeous not to mention he was very cunning and had the voice of an angel. He was athletic and had the most eye popping physique imaginable, at 13 that is.

Of course I never told him I thought those things, I cringed even at the thought of revealing such intimate feelings. I had gotten accustomed to rejection and false pretenses and every time I got even a millimeter close to spilling my emotions out for him to crush, I reminded myself of that and halted all of my thoughts.

Edward didn't get adopted for another 10 months 3days, but that was only because he would always cause a scene and make outrageous gestures with his words to scare them away. I asked him once why he did that and he told me because he wouldn't leave me to rot in this place by myself. He would always say we only have so many years until I turn 18 and you can come live with me when I get an apartment. He wanted to take care of me and I wanted to let him do it more than anything.

A man and his wife; rather Dr. Cullen and his wife came to the group home and had their eyes set on Edward. Once again he threw a fit, cussing and yelling inappropriate things at the woman and getting up in the doctor's face; everything to get them to turn around and run. Instead they did just the opposite; they went through with the adoption papers. They were interested in him because he was troubled and he was exactly the kind of kid they liked to adopt.

"What's going to happen?" I remember asking him as he held me close to him in the lobby while he waited for the Cullen's to finalize the paperwork in the other room.

"I'll figure it out Bella; no fucking body is going to keep me away from you." His grip on me tightened like I was some prized gem that he had to hold onto as if his life depended on it. I know mine did.

"Do you know where they're taking you?" my eyes were stained with tears as the words left my mouth.

"I don't know but I will find a way to tell you. I won't let them keep me from you; if they try I will come back for you." There was sincerity in his voice and I believed him. I had to believe him because if I didn't nothing was going to make sense. My whole life was going to be over just as quick as it had started.

"I believe you," was all I could say and it was enough.

"Are you ready Edward?" Dr. Cullen said from behind me where Edward was facing.

"Does it look like I'm fucking ready? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?" Edward spat and his heart beat started to race. I concentrated on it to drown out the arguing that was going on around me.

Eventually he had to go and he left me with a promise to come back and a locket that was the only thing he had when he arrived in the system. I cried that night, the most I have cried since my parents and I felt like the hole in my chest was ripped to its fullest. For the next 4 months I did nothing but listen to the CD Edward left behind, Debussy. It was his favorite because it allowed him to think and achieve peace of mind. All it did was provide me with the little piece of him I needed to keep myself intact; proof that he did in fact exist.

I finally opened my eyes and took in exactly what I expected. The four grey worn walls that encased me every night, the sun yellow curtains that swayed on the east side window of the room and the three girls up and about primping and priming.

I hadn't heard from Edward at all in six months, I didn't know where he was, if he was thinking of me or if he even still cared. I was starting the process; a process I have perfected over the years. The process of letting him go; releasing him from my memory and putting the walls between us.

I hated him for showing me that side of me still existed and that I could still let people in just to get hurt. Never again will I let that guard down; never again will I let anyone get close to me.

The Swan's came to look at the options of the group home and they kept looking at me and throwing around words like "she's so beautiful", and "she's perfect, exactly what we were hoping to find". I didn't understand why they chose me, but they did and I was happy to go, to start a new life and hopefully be happy. I was not capable of true happiness—life just wouldn't allow it—so I hoped for whatever amount of happiness I was capable of achieving.

This part of my life I like to call Acceptance.

Charlie was the chief of police in the good town of Forks, that's how they found out about me. Charlie had seen so many kids go in and out of there but I remained. I was the only one to be left there for more than a year. I was there for over four. I was happy he noticed; he and his wife Renee were really great.

Rosalie and Alice were okay too, I guess. The Swan's adopted Rosalie when she was 10 and Alice when she was 7. They were both now 14 as was I. They were bubbly and happy and giddy almost all of the time. I only wished I could be like that, not the bleak shy person I actually am.

Rosalie could be a little harsh sometimes; the first couple of days in the Swan house were the worst.

"We have two other girls you will be sharing the upstairs with." Mrs. Swan mentioned once we were in the car and on our way. I wasn't particularly thrilled about that but it didn't really bother me either. They would probably ignore me like everyone else does.

I didn't respond.

"Alice set up your room, she's a designer of sorts and she insisted," she continued.

I still didn't answer; my way of protecting myself. It was my usual reaction to a new temporary home. They never seemed to last so why even try to bond or get to know someone. It's inevitable and it won't hurt as much, just a little notch out of my already notched up heart.

She stopped talking after that, well at least to me. She continued to talk to her husband and I continued to gaze out the window as we drove down the windy country roads.

Not too long after we pulled up next to a moderately good sized house with a fenced backyard and rows upon rows of flowers in the front yard. There was one other car parked in the drive way and it was Charlie's police cruiser.

"What do you think?" Renee asked as we both stepped out of the car. She was trying so hard to get through to me and I really wished she wouldn't.

"It's nice," I replied impartial.

"Oh, wait until you see the rest," she grabbed my hand and started leading me to the house. I didn't like the way she held my hand, the feel of another person's skin against mine was awkward. I only wanted one hand to touch me and that was never going to happen again.

The house was beautiful, just as the outside portrayed it to be. Everything seemed to be in the perfect spot to set a different vibe and feel to each room. She tugged me through every room, showing me everything and explaining the rules of the house.

"One: No sneaking out. If you do that it means we cannot trust you and a family is built on trust. Two: No smoking, drinking or illegal substances. Charlie is the chief of police and that will not be tolerated."

"What if you're 18?"

"Well, if you were 18 you wouldn't be here now would you?" she said mockingly.

"No, I guess not." I don't smoke; I just wanted it for future reference. I hated being treated like a child, even though I know that's what I am; I have never liked it.

She led me up a flight of stairs and down a long hallway. There were four doors and she opened the second one down, on the right. "Here is your room."

I was surprised at how nice the room actually was; too bad it wasn't really mine. "Where is the bathroom?" I always avoided the whole, "oh thank you thank you for my new temporary room", speech because I refuse to thank anyone who is only going to add another notch to my pain and suffering.

"It's this door here," she gestured to the door directly across from "mine". "Isabella…"

"Bella," I corrected her as I continued to look around the room. It was as if this Alice knew exactly who I was and what I would want my room to look like. She would have to be someone who wanted to torture me because this time would be that much more painful because of her.

"Bella, please don't be scared to get comfortable here." I rolled my eyes even though I wasn't facing her; I've heard that before. "We really want this to work out, for all of us."

"I'll do my best," of course it was all on me, I had to be the one to get along with everyone else. That is exactly why I fucking hate being in the system. It's supposed to be about the kid not the damn family they're being forced into.

"I'm not saying you are the only one that needs to adjust Bella, I just want you to put in some effort while the rest of us do the same. That's all I'm asking."

"Like I said, I'll do my best." Not good with authority…beep, beep, beep.

"Thank you," she was staying calm and collected but I knew that pissed her off. Whatever, it won't take long. She shut the door and left me to the room. Now that I didn't have an audience I looked closer.

The bed was full, with a dark purple comforter with black lace designs all over it. I ran my fingers along the lace as I passed by it. I noticed the big fluffy pillows pilled at the head of the bed as well. There was a dresser pushed up against the eastern wall, positioned perfectly between the window sill and the perpendicular wall. It too was a dark purple and had the same material and designs as the bed spread. The second dresser was one of those woman one's; long with six drawers and a big vanity mirror in the center.

There were three pictures on the mirror, the first of a girl, dark black hair spiked in every direction. Her smile was almost too painful to look at, I would never be that happy. The next was another girl but she had long flowing blonde hair and she was really pretty. They both looked to be my age so I could only assume the girls were Alice and Rosalie.

The last picture basically confirmed my belief. Chief Swan and his wife were in this picture and holding onto them was Alice and Rosalie.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, it was more like a stamped of wild animals. Then there was a light but furious knock on the door.

I walked to it and listened for a moment.

"Shh, Rose shut up."

"But I want to see her first."

"No, Rose I was here first."

"You're such a bitch."

"Beautiful, Intelligent, talented, charming and happy, yes I am."

My sisters, this was going to be so much fun, I thought with heavy, heavy sarcasm. I opened the door and they both straightened up and the dark haired one smiled. She was so small and petite. Her voice matched her physique.

"Hi, you must be Isabella, I'm Alice." It was whimsical and pitched like a melody.

"It's Bella, Hi."

"This is Rosalie."

"You can call me Rose," she butted in. "If that's alright with you Bella?"

"Okay Rose," I spat back and slammed the door in their faces. I don't want, nor do I need, friends and I wasn't going to put up with some "riding on her high horse" girl all in my face and if she didn't like it then tough.

There was another light knock on the door a few minutes later, this time it was just Alice. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," I left the door open for her and she shut it behind her.

"How do you like your room?"

I shrugged, "I don't ever stay long enough to like a room; I'm sure this one will be no different."

"The Swan's are really good people Bella, I think you'll like it here." She bounced onto the bed that was meant for me and waited for my reply.

"We'll see," is what I came up with. Alice was nice and I wanted to be nice back but the pain was too much to bear. I promised myself I wouldn't do it, not again; not ever.

"Rose is kind of like a puppy, she warms up to you once she gets to know you. Her mom was a junkie, she always had tons of people around and going in and out of the house so she got used to putting up a front. I won't tell you anymore, she should be the one to tell you."

I was actually interested in hearing her story, so I pushed further, something I banned myself from doing. Something about this Alice, this pixie like dark spiky haired girl with green eyes sparkling back at mine, something about her made me want to trust her.

"What's your story?" I went for it.

EPOV

"You can do it, come on," I mentally yelled at myself before attempting the heel flip for the umpteenth time tonight. I was trying to forget about the family I had been with for over three months; that was quiet the feat for me. My usual is a few weeks, a month tops. They didn't even really do anything for me to runaway but I knew they would eventually. Why try and fight fate right.

"Fuck fate, fate doesn't decided my future, I do," I said out loud though no one was around to hear it; frustrated that I couldn't do the damn heel flip. It wasn't a hard fucking trick, it was rudimentary, and I should know this stuff. "But I can't," I lifted the board up above my head after another failed attempt, "Fucking do it," I brought it down hard, feigning like I was going to bust it in a million trillion different pieces, but, just like the damn trick, I couldn't fucking do it.

I gave up on the trick for tonight and started the long skate to nowhere. I skated down a long serpentine road; it was dark so I walked along the shoulder of the oncoming traffic. Of course the first pair of headlights to come around the corner would be a police officer.

************

I don't know who the fuck these people think they are bringing me to this place. I wasn't bothering anyone, if anything they were the ones doing the bothering.

Stupid fucking pigs.

I could have taken care of myself. The place he took me to was a dump, it looked like it was built in like the 1400's and I could already smell the stench still sitting in the back of the police cruiser. How the hell people can live like that is far beyond me. The yard, if that's even what you would call it, was small dark and a disaster if I ever fucking saw one. The epitome of hell right smack in the middle of Forks.

Then to top it all off, some fucking scrawny guy that looked like he just came out of his shack in the middle of the woods with no running water came out to take me inside.

"He hasn't been too much trouble," I heard the pig tell the grease monkey. "I don't think you'll have any trouble with this one." He leaned down and gazed at me through the back window.

The smell got worse as we got closer and I dreaded staying here for any amount of time. I don't know how anyone did it. Inside was just as bad, it wasn't dirty but it was visibly old and worn out. I didn't see one thing in there that held any interest to me, not one thing that stood out; until he showed me where I would be sleeping until other arrangements could be made.

Sitting with her knees up against her chest was the most mesmerizing female I have ever laid eyes on and the fragrance emitting from her was something otherworldly. She looked so fucking broken and damaged yet alive and exuberant I couldn't quite place it but something about her sparked my interest like static electricity the moment I walked into the room.

I tried to talk to her but she just blew me off and flipped me the bird after I called her a bitch. Yeah, I called her a bitch because girls that act that way typically are. She did the same thing the next day and it made me want to try even harder. She was holding in her issues and I knew firsthand how dangerous that could be. She had to let it out and I wasn't going to stop until she did.

After a whole month of badgering I was getting restless with trying so hard to get through to her that I finally fell over the edge. I basically told her that she needed to wake up and smell the fucking coffee. I wasn't trying to meddle or get under her fucking skin, but I knew I could listen and be there for her like the friend she knew she needed.

She actually spoke to me; she told me about her parents, about how they were young and didn't have a lot of money. When she was four her grandma took her and raised her as her own until the day she died. She died on the 10th of December and that's when she came here. Her parents were notified, separately because they had split shortly after she left; both of them declined to take her in.

I felt her pain in that moment and I was able to see why she was the way she was. Why she stayed to herself and didn't let anyone break through her borders. She was under the impression that that's what people did; left you and threw you out like a used paper towel. She was protecting herself, yet here she was, laying it all out for me to see.

I swore to her—and myself—that I would never leave her; that I would always be near her to help her get through this and help her break through to her true personality. It was there, I could hear it and see it emerge from time to time and I worked hard to get it out of her every chance I had.

Weeks went by and we were already connecting on a whole other level. She confided in me things that were hard for her to talk about; things that happened that would make a grown man break down. She was here, living and breathing and portraying any kind of normalcy she could muster. I saw through it, there was trouble and animosity behind her deep chocolate eyes.

I was determined, if not to erase it entirely, to at least lessen the amount of times I saw it any given day. She was so fucking beautiful, so fucking smart and had so much fucking potential to be happy and that was my driving force. Every time she smiled I captured it and stored it away in my memory, I wanted to see it every day for eternity.

As the months went by people started coming and showing interest in taking me away from her and breaking every promise I ever gave her. I wasn't going to let that happen lying down; I was going to put up a fight for her. She needed me just as much as I needed her; they couldn't do it. So I made a scene, every time someone came to introduce themselves to me I went off. I did anything and everything I could to turn them away and it worked, for a while.

The day Dr. Cullen and his wife came was the hardest day of my life thus far. I had to leave Bella to fend for herself, to put up with all the crap that place had to offer. I hated myself for a long time after that. I hated the Cullen's for an even longer time.

I couldn't call her because the line had to be authorized to go through, I couldn't send her a letter because they wouldn't give it to her even if I did. So after six months I finally talked Carlisle and Esme into buying me a plane ticket so I could go see her. I needed to see her.

When I got there my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest, but something else was wrenching it, making me want to heave. It was the fact that Bella wasn't there, she had been adopted. I begged and pleaded with the grease monkey but he wasn't budging. He wasn't going to tell me where she was. She could be anywhere, the worlds the limit.

There was nothing I could do but go home, go back to Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Jasper; my foster parents and bothers.

Journal Entry 1: July 17th 2000

It feels like the world is crashing down all around me.

All I can do is sit by and watch it happen.

Love—gone and the void filled with lust, hunger and filthy unemotional sex.

Trust—out the window, I don't trust anyone except Emmett and Jasper.

Not even the good ol' doctor and his wife; fuck them.

Sure they let me live in their fuck of a nice house and they clothe me well enough.

Abercrombie sporting attire; they sprung for the spendy shit and I was all for it.

They even got me a top of the line Zero skateboard, it's my baby, we do everything together.

It's what got me through the time post Bella; those times were the fucking worst.

That was the first of many entries I put into a journal Carlisle had given me a few months after I'd moved in. After I made the trip to Forks to see Bella I decided to use it as a form of therapy.

I was angry all the time, nothing was good enough. The only thing I managed to hold onto was my willingness to learn and my passion for music. When it came to school, nothing else mattered. When it came to the piano, nothing else mattered. I grew up in a poor house, up until two years ago. I know what not having dreams or an education will lead to, right back where I fucking started, in the poor house.

It has been two years and I try so fucking hard not to think about Bella, at least not willingly and never during the day; unless I was playing the piano. When the lights go out and I fall asleep that's when I indulge. I dream of her; every night she hugs me, she holds me and tells me I'm someone special.

Journal Entry: 32 August 18th 2002

The fucking worst part is that it feels so real, I feel like I'm going to wake up and she'll be right next to me. But she never is and I always wake up to that disappointment. Who could blame me for being so touchy?

That was an entry I wrote after Emmett and Jasper got on me for being such a grouch in the mornings, I had to tell someone and it definitely wasn't going to be them. They knew about her but they didn't know about the dreams.

"So what's up bro? Is there something bothering you?" Emmett asked on our way to school. Here in Chicago it was easy to fit in, I seemed to have a shine for people and people loved to hear me play or watch me skate. By people I mainly mean the female type.

I wrote most of my own music but I covered a few songs if it was requested. "It's just memories," I tried to play it off as no big deal but he could always see right through me.

"You're thinking about her aren't you? That's a good tactic to use but only when you're performing. Any other time and it just puts you in some kind of induced coma."

"That's because when I think of her," I think of what could have been, what would've happened if she would've been there when I returned to the group home. What would have happened if I never would have left, "I get pissed the fuck off."

He rolled his eyes at me, "Yeah and my name is Abraham Lincoln. You need to let it go bro, we're in Chicago. You're never going to see her again." He always saw through my cover ups, I thought I was pulling them off but he knew better.

"I'm good Emmett, fuck," didn't mean I had to put up with it. I picked up my pace just as we were crossing the street to Jones Prep, a college prep high school.

"Get over it man, it's just going to eat at you until you do," he yelled after me and I tried to ignore him.

"Hey Edward the slips came in today; you're on one of them." Jessica was one of my many followers, she also happened to be in the president body as the head of organized activity. That's just the formal fucking way to say party planner. She handles all matters when it comes to graduations, banquets, fundraisers, dances, talent shows and anything else that involves planning. You get the idea.

"I knew I could count on you," I unleashed my persuasive side on her and my pantie wetting grin. Yes, the ladies love me and I love being with the ladies.

The talent show was coming up and there were scouts coming to check out what Jones prep had to offer. I asked Jessica to assist my name getting on one of the tickets to perform. I was performing a song I had written a few years ago. The notes started before Bella, they continued and grew into something magnificent during my time with Bella, and after Bella.

"Anything you need, anything at all," she was sweating my nuts hard, "You let me know."

"I'll keep that in mind," I took off to my first class, it started in five and I still had half the grounds to beat to get there.

"Mr. Cullen," my English teacher greeted when I entered through the door without even looking to see that it was in fact me.

"Mr. Deschene, what's up?" I tried to play cool and of course it worked. Every girl in that room was undressing me with their eyes. It was like a sixth sense of mine if you will; I was a bad boy but I was good with the ladies.

Mr. Deschene started his lecture for the day….and life goes on.

So much more is coming and I hope you'll be waiting in the shadows for the updating to start. I am waiting to post because I have had a hard time keeping school and pleasure separated. I can't concentrate and school has to come first...so I should be done writing it the end of this month and that's when I'll start updating...once a week because I have to transfer from my phone to the computer and that's manual transfer my friends lol. So a lot of typing, which is good because I am really liking the speed it's given me. Proud to type 67 wds a minute...not the best obviously but better than some woot woot.

So I'll be posting every Saturday (and possibly some Wednesdays if I can manage to get the chappies done in time) once it starts and I will remind you every chapter...

Thank you so much for reading and please keep a look out for it...add it to your favs or alerts or whatever so you don't miss it...

Please leave me some love....little box just below

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