Generation Now
BPOV
We'll call this part of my life 'Finding my way'…June 12th 2004
Five years I have been with the Swan's and I could not think of a better family to have. Alice and Rose were the best sisters a girl could ask for. I was happy, beyond happy and I had been for awhile now.
It wasn't without hard work that I achieved this happiness; when I first arrived I didn't think it possible at all: Especially when I thought about him. I went through therapist after therapist, hour after hour talking about my past with total strangers. I had to talk about him and that hurt more than all of my past combined.
He was the first person I ever let through my barrier, the first man that I let myself have feelings for and he never came back. Edward was not someone I ever wanted to see again. I put in hours of intense sessions to get over him, to erase him from my memory. It didn't work completely; nothing could keep the dreams away.
But during the day, when I lived my life the best way that I could, he didn't cross my mind. Only on the rare occasion and those were few and far between.
"We're going to be late for our flight," Alice yelled from her room. We had gotten up late, a whole 26 minutes late and Alice was bouncing around from room to room rushing me and Rose.
"I've almost got it," I yelled back. I was working with the zipper to my suitcase which was not working out in the least.
"For Christ sake Bella, you can't even zip up your luggage?" She met me at my side and hoped up onto my suitcase.
"Well, zip it up chicka we got a plane to catch." I zipped it up and it took a lot to get it to go. My hair had fallen into my face and I brushed it back with the back of my hand.
"Phew, that was a work out," I joked.
"Now let's get out of here," she Congo danced out of my room and into her own down and across the hall. I towed my luggage out of my room and down the stairs right behind Rose.
"You girls ready to go?" Charlie asked when he met us in the foyer. He was a great father and I would miss him terribly. I would never be able to thank them enough for what they have done for me.
The Seattle airport was hectic and we barely had enough time to check in our bags.
"We'll miss you, promise to call every day," Renee commanded.
"One of us will call every day," Alice cooed as she hugged her tight.
"Oh Rose, my beautiful Rose; don't hurt the boys to bad, one of them will be Mr. Right." She hugged her too while Charlie was saying bye to Alice.
"Bella, my dear sweet Bella. You have come so far and I'm so happy to see you off," she cut short, her emotions getting the best of her. "I can't believe all of my girls are leaving." She cried when she wrapped her arms around my neck. I felt my eyes water, I would definitely miss them.
We had to go through security and Charlie and Renee stood on the sidelines until we were through and about to walk down the hall where there was no turning back.
We waved hysterically at them as they did the same and then we took the few steps out of their sight and they were gone.
"I can't wait, I'm so excited. LA here we come," Rose sang the last part. Yes, we were headed to good old Los Angeles California, what better place to experience life's little lessons. At least that's what the brochure said.
We boarded the plane, Rose, Alice and I were sharing a set of seats and thankfully, I got the window. When the flight took off it almost felt like my past did too. Of course I would never truly leave it behind, how could I? My past is what made me the person I am today. I may have been dealt one royally screwed up hand, but it's who I am. I didn't have to deny it anymore, I am a fucked up person, proceed with caution. I would scream it if it weren't for the people all around us. My last therapist, before I stopped therapy all together, she had said that screaming was a very good way at relieving stress and letting out your frustrations. I was definitely nervous.
The flight landed a few hours later at San Diego International but for some reason it took forever for them to position the plane in its boarding dock.
When we finally were able to head off, we did so without hesitation. None of us had ever been to California, this was a first for all three of us and I was happy as a clam to be experiencing it with my sisters.
The corridor was packed and it took almost a half hour just to get to the luggage pick up. When we got there it took another hour and a half just to get our luggage off the conveyer belt; apparently they had trouble with luggage on the tarmac and that's why it took us so long to get to the loading dock.
We had our bags in hand and were headed to the doors to catch a cab. I still seemed to walk with my head facing the floor whenever I walked, half because of my self esteem issues that haven't fully recovered and half because I was known for my awkwardness.
I had a sudden overload of Déjà vu, but I'd never been here before. I looked up and around me and there was nothing to trigger it. The feeling was gone, but something lingered.
"Bella, come on," Rose called from the rotating glass door. I picked up my pace and made my way through the door after them. Outside the airport was just as hectic; taxi cabs lined up in all three lanes of traffic. Thankfully, they weren't hard to flag down.
We threw our bags in the truck and I was shocked when they all fit snuggly. I was expecting to carry a few on our laps but the truck was big enough to fit a few bodies. My mind ran with that as Alice told the driver where to take us and we left the airport and my déjà vu experience in the rearview mirror.
We were staying in an apartment not far from where we would be spending most of our days for the next few years. It was three bedrooms and a year of rent paid; some from Charlie and Renee and the rest from the state. We had the state to thank for our being here, if it weren't for their aid for adopted children, we wouldn't be attending college at all.
At least, not all at once.
The place wasn't what you would call luxury but it had its perks. The kitchen came with old mouse traps, the one bathroom had a water stained shower curtain and the living room had the faint smell of body odor. Other than that it was home sweet home.
Our furniture and other belongings would arrive in two days when Charlie and Renee brought it all down in a U-haul truck. Thankfully we packed two whole suitcases with blankets and pillows.
*******
"Do you want this kind?" Renee asked about the carpet deodorizer. They arrived this morning and saw the mess we were destined to live in. Renee felt terrible but we were happy to have it. The moment they walked in they smelled the stench and took us to Wal-Mart.
"Lavender would probably cover it up best," Alice replied. "It's strong and holds its fragrance."
"What about air freshener: Chamomile?"
"Yeah, that's a good combination."
We bought $45 worth of cleaning supplies and a new shower curtain then headed back to the apartment. Cleaning was rather fun, us girls wore bandanas over our hair to keep the smell and whatever else out of it. We scrubbed the walls in the kitchen, and the bathroom floors and doused the carpets. It smelled divine.
We helped Charlie bring in all of our furniture and belongings and Alice showed us where to put everything. Towards the end Charlie informed us that they had a surprise for us and we couldn't go back outside for a while or we would see it.
"Dad, no way," Alice was the only one out of all of us that called Charlie dad and Renee mom. I guess she was young enough when they adopted her. Renee's eyes seemed to light up every time she said it.
Did I mention Charlie is the type that likes to make you think one thing when really it's another? He would always tell us things like, "Oh this, no this is for one of my cadets", about something we found and later "Yeah, it's for you three".
This was one of those times.
"I hope you like it. It's a hefty payment every month but we'll pay it for the first year, and insurance. We're hoping you all will have jobs by then. Financial aid would cover all of your expenses and food and a little fun too."
"Don't forget gas," I replied.
"Definitely we'll need gas money…Well, what do you guys think?" He asked, changing the subject.
There against the curb was a car; I couldn't be sure what kind of car until I saw the back, where it would tell me: An Accord, green in color and black on the inside. "It's beautiful," Rose cooed as she ran her finger down the side of it.
"Glad you like it because we would lose a lot of money if you didn't," Charlie chuckled.
They stayed for dinner and left shortly after because Charlie had to work and they had a twenty hour drive ahead of them.
"We'll see you on breaks right? We'll send for you." Renee ordered as we were saying our goodbyes. I actually shed a tear, I haven't shed a tear for anyone else since…
"Bye Bella, I love you don't forget that okay?"
"I know you do, and I love you too," which I did. When they adopted me I had no intensions of getting to know them, letting them in because they would hurt me the moment I did. It took a year maybe more, but I finally broke that barrier, at least for them. If I have any parents, Renee and Charlie are it hands down.
"I love you too kid," Charlie said when he hugged me.
"I love you too Charlie."
"Oh mom," Rose joked, it's the only time she ever called them mom or dad, when she was kidding or when she really wanted something. They hugged her then and they both left shortly after.
"You wanna go cruise around in our new car?" Alice clapped.
"Only if I'm driving," I said. "We know what your score was on the driver's test," I mad fun.
"Yeah, yeah, I just want to venture out and learn the city."
"Well…what are we waiting for?" Rose said dangling the keys in front of my face. I snatched them from her hand and ran to the car. Alice locked up and jumped in the back and we were off.
"Pay attention to where we're going, I don't want to get lost."
"I already typed our address into the tom tom so we're good," Rose informed me.
LA was beautiful at night: Lots of people littered the streets. Some were homeless, some weren't; we expected that much. We ended up on Mission Bay Drive, a very popular street in San Diego. We made our way through Hollywood District and ended up at Mission Bay Park.
"Do you want to ride the big dipper?" Alice sang, bouncing in the back seat.
"Let's do it," Rose agreed. I pulled into the north parking lot and I was grateful when I figured out the alarm on the car. I would hate to have our car stolen the first night.
There wasn't a line as all the stores were closing for the night and we got right on it. It was fun; the constructor guy gave us a free ride after our turn was over. He said with heavy enthusiasm, "Welcome to California", and hit the switch. It was a lot of fun.
We walked out to the beach and sat there for awhile, our feet bare and toes wiggling in the sand. "Are we ready for school on Monday? I don't want to go unprepared," Alice broke the silence.
"We're ready," I replied. "I checked the online registration for all of us when Charlie hooked up the computer and internet; we are all registered for our classes." Alice wasn't one to be prepared, she was an on the whim kind of girl.
"Good, I can't wait to start," she giggled and kicked her feet in the sand.
We left shortly after, there were a few people walking along the boardwalk, one in particular stood out to me. His hair was a mess, bronze in color and his physique was gorgeous from behind. That same feeling from the airport washed over me and I was stopped cold in my tracks.
"Bella, come on," Rose called a few feet in front of me.
"Coming," I forced myself to walk, to walk away from the feeling that I was missing out on something. That's when I started thinking about him. I thought about him the whole ride home, Rose drove this time. I thought about his eyes, how green and tantalizing they were. I thought about his laugh, the way he made me smile and the way he made me feel. Then I thought about the way he made me cry, the way he broke his promise and never came back. Tonight was sure to be a long one.
We ate Top Ramen for dinner because none of us felt like cooking not even me and I usually found refuge in the kitchen. I just wanted to go to sleep, get the night over with and start again tomorrow, fresh.
When I entered my room it was odd, it felt like I was back in Forks, in the room Alice had designed for me before she even knew me. Still to this day, I love everything about it.
On my dresser was my jewelry box that held only one item. I didn't look at it often but tonight I was already doomed, so I was going to indulge.
I opened the box and lifted the lining, I always hid it away so I wouldn't see it if I happened to add something to the box. I pulled it out and held it tightly in my fist. I walked over to the bed and sat on the end of it. I held my fist to my chest and took in a deep breath before opening it and looking at its contents.
***A chain of gold was twisted and tangled around a little gold heart. My chest felt heavy and my body started to vibrate, the tears started to fall. My eyes were locked on it, I couldn't look away and when I opened it to reveal the picture of the little boy and his mother. I nearly lost it.
I lay down with the locket closed tightly in my fist again and cried silent sobs until I finally fell out. Of course I dreamt of him, every night I dreamt of him. This night was like all other nights when I thought about him during the day. The last time I saw him, the promise he made to me and when I wake up he is never there.
He promised me he would be.
EPOV
Journal Entry: 145 June 12, 2004
Five years it's been and I still have the dreams.
Every night it's the same: Like I'm living the same day over and over again.
On the rare occasion when I happen to think about her, I dream of the last time I saw her.
The promise I kept and the one she shattered. I hate the thought of her, but I cannot shake her. She has forever been imprinted in my mind and there she will stay.
I have been to shrinks and told them my issues, I have seen psychiatrists and told them my problems; all to get her out of my mind so I can sleep.
Nothing helps; I am doomed to the memory of Isabella.
Today, Emmett, Jasper and I were leaving Chicago; one to four plus years we would spend in San Diego. The college there has all three of our majors on the list, the only one in the US. Emmett's major—Physical Education, Jasper's major—Psychology and mine; well mine is music but really I haven't decided yet.
I didn't spend much time thinking about college, especially over the last three years. I spent most of my time partying and letting lose. I lived the shit out of my childhood, one to remember. The parts I don't want to remember, Bella, I try and tune out minus the dreams because there isn't much I can do about that.
We arrived at San Diego International Airport and right after our plane docked one of the luggage carts came apart and suitcases and duffle bags were all over the tarmac. We made our way through the crowd of people and stopped off at the Wendy's near the rotating glass doors.
When I took the last bite of my double stack a shock ran through me and made me choke. I grabbed for my coke and drank it greedily to clear my trachea.
"You okay," Jasper asked.
"That was wicked," I'd never felt anything like it before. It caused my heart to thrash and my head was in a whirl. I had to know what caused it, I needed more.
"What?" Jasper brought me down off cloud nine the bastard.
"Nothing, I'm cool."
I took my tray to the garbage and they followed. "Time to hit the road huh." We had a rental car waiting for us and we had a 20 minutes drive to our off the campus apartment. We walked through the doors and that same shock came back but it wasn't as strong this time; it only made me thirst for it that much more.
Our rental was a Sebring, horrible choice for a car but rather comfortable for the ride. We talked about the girls we would meet and the parties we would attend, very little was said about the actual attendance to UCSD. Classes didn't start for a few days, but by Monday, we would all be full time college students, whoo!
Our neighborhood was nice, right off the beach; I knew the good doctor would spring for nice digs. We were definitely going to have some good wholesome fun on the beach, keggers included.
It was a condo, two stories, and three rooms on the top floor with four bathrooms. There was a deck that overlooked a private beach that was shared between us and the condo next to us. That condo was a vacation rental, laymen's terms; unoccupied.
"Dude, did you see the bathrooms, who the fuck needs four bathrooms?" I heard Emmett telling Jasper while I was out on the deck.
"Apparently we do," Jasper replied.
The chill from the ocean was nice, very different from anything I ever felt in Washington. It was bone chilling on the beaches there, here, it countered the sun. My hair was in its usual disarray and the wind felt nice flowing through it.
"What are you doing out here? Jasper, get out here," Emmett joined me at my side and leaned his forearms on the ledge and looked out at the sea. "What do you think?" he asked.
"I think we're going to have a shit ton of parties and see more than a few women in skimpy bikinis. " He high fived me at the same time Jasper came out to join us.
"What did I miss?"
"You missed the first high five of many my brother," Emmett boomed. He held his hands up and Jasper and I hit them with one of our own. "We're fucking free man, can you feel it?"
I did feel free…until I went to sleep.
I woke up restless and discouraged; Bella wasn't next to me when I opened my eyes; like I expected her to be. Have I ever mentioned I hate mornings.
The two days passed quickly. I felt the same shock that I did at the airport when I was on the beach night before last. I couldn't even begin to explain what it was like but I promised myself I was going there every night until I figured out what caused it.
It wasn't like drugs, drugs I've done and nothing felt so good, so right, but it was definitely an addiction that left me jonesing for more the moment it wore off.
We had the Sebring for two weeks; we had until then to get a permanent form of transportation. There was a set budget, we could either buy a new car and share or each buy a used car and have our own. I was all for having my own ride, but I had to convince Emmett and Jasper to feel the same.
The campus wasn't far but it took us 45 minutes to get there because of traffic. They weren't kidding when they said leave at the very least, an hour early.
"So we'll meet back here at 2?" I asked when we stood outside the car gathering our bags.
"2:15," Jasper replied straightening his shirt under his backpack, "My last class ends at 2:10."
"Okay, 2:15, see ya." I took off in the direction of the main office and Emmett followed.
"Oh man, I've already met eyes with three perspective hookups. Oh, make that four." Emmett: Such a lady lover. He was always looking for his next fling. I don't think I've seen him in one serious relationship since I've known him. That's five years, but I have no room to talk. I was never looking though; the ladies always came to me. "You are the epitome of a womanizer Emmett, are you proud of that?" I mocked.
"Hell yeah I'm proud of that, thank god I'm not jasper." Jasper has had one serious relationship with a girl named Marie. They were together when I first met him and they lasted a whole four years after. It's been about eight months now, I can't even tell you why they broke it off, I think they just fell apart. The long distance relationship probably would have done them in if they hadn't already split.
"Oh he is our goal for this weekend, he's getting laid," Emmett was of course game for that.
"Party," he smiled widely.
"Oh yeah my brother, beach party at our condo," the words rang hangover, but that was the price you pay for a good time.
We got our maps of the campus and went our separate ways, I to the music hall and Emmett to the physical Education building. There was a vibrant woman sitting next to an open seat in the classroom and she looked up at me with the expression I have seen on women's faces nearly my entire life.
"Do you mind?" I asked referring to the seat next to her.
"No, not at all," she stuttered and looked away from me. She must have realized she was staring; took her long enough.
We talked until the instructor started class. I found out her name was Erica and she played the violin. She was rather beautiful, blond hair and a body that would thrive in sports illustrated. When I thought about asking her out, like on a real date; my past came back to haunt me.
So instead I just treated her like any other female, like something to eat. I was incapable of loving a woman, other than Esme, I realized at a young age the control they can hold over a man. I didn't want that ever, not after I had experienced it and lost it. The pain would be unmerciful, I couldn't bear the thought.
My next class was English, it was required for my "degree" and I hate English. The professor was an imbecile in my book, but he knew his stuff when it came to literature; I'll give him that much. That was the end of my schedule, tomorrow would be one extra class that I had twice a week, intro into sociology, another required class.
I had two hours to kill and after 20 minutes of sitting in the car I grew restless. I started the car and drove down to the closest beach which was La Jolla. I found a look out and stood leaning against the edge, feeling the wind against my face for some time. I was the only one there and it felt good.
The moment Bella popped into my mind my whole demeanor changed. I was mad, I hated that my memory of her lingered, what was it about her? I knew what it was, I loved Bella, and I know she felt some kind of connection between us because she let her guard down for me.
The fact that she threw it all away was the part that made me hate her, made me the womanizer type just like Emmett. I would never settle down because nothing would compare to what I have experienced. Nothing would compare to the amount of pain I feel when I wake up and she isn't there next to me.
I yelled at the top of my lungs because it felt good to release the pent up aggression that was poisoning my soul. The therapists' were right, it was such a relief.
1:45 rolled around and I made my way back to the campus and arrived just in time to see Emmett scratching his head, standing in the front of the spot that we were parked in that now held a Mazda Miata.
I honked when I pulled up beside him and he jumped because he hadn't noticed my arrival.
"What the fuck man, not cool," he reprimanded when he opened the door. I just laughed and pointed because it was hilarious. "Where were you?"
"Just driving around, I had two hours to kill."
Jasper showed up at exactly 2:15 and we started the drive home. Traffic was a real bitch but we saw something that we all only thought happened in movies.
We were bumper to bumper moving at about three miles an hour if we were lucky. We had the windows down and the custom stereo turned up listing to slip knot. Not my cup of tea but it made the time pass quicker, or so it seemed.
We all heard it, as soon as the song was switching and we turned, all looking in the same direction. As soon as we did a motorcycle, a street bike, flew by our window; inches away from the side mirror.
"Holy shit dude, did you guys see that?" Jasper didn't use foul language often but this was the perfect time for it.
"Fuck yeah, that was sick," I replied. I was getting a motorcycle. Emmett and Jasper were going to get used cars because I was 100% getting a motorcycle. We saw three more do the same thing until we got off the freeway and took the road that led to our condo…on the beach.
Intro into Sociology was a bitch, the whole class time, which was two hours, was strictly lecture. I hate taking notes but I did. I was good at three things, which I have mentioned in the past; school—my future, piano—my passion and women—my pleasure. SPW, that's the order of my priorities, has been my whole life.
Thursday we talked about the vehicle situation, Emmett and Jasper agreed but I didn't inform them what I planned on purchasing. We went to a few dealers and Emmett found what he was looking for, a 2004 Jeep Rubicon; $12,000 bucks down.
Jasper found what he wanted which was a gay man's car if you ask me, 1995 Camaro Z28; $10,000 more down which left me with $8,000 to work with. That would be plenty to get what I'm looking for.
On Friday after we got home I jumped on the computer and navigated to craigslist. I looked up motorcycles and found a 2004 Kawasaki ZX-10R for $7,500. Jasper took me to get it in the gay man's car and he flipped when he saw what I was looking at.
"You are not getting a motorcycle Edward, it's dangerous. The percent of motorcycle accidents double when you're under twenty-five."
"Jasper, stop being such a pansy, I won't do anything stupid; I just want one." I got out of the car and in the end, drove away on my new bike.
The shifting took some getting used to but by the time we turned on our street I had it down. Emmett came out when he heard us pull up and he looked just as stunned as Jasper was.
"Wicked dude, damn I should have gotten one of these," he boomed after he took it for a spin around the block.
"I have to get a motorcycle license," I informed him, "The guy I bought it from said they aren't hard to get." I had no idea.
"Really, wow, California's no joke. Go Arnold," he bellowed in his best Swartzenager impression.
Jasper made flyers for our party Saturday night, hopefully running over to Sunday morning at the least. He even made his way to the LAU campus and hung some up around there. Emmett and I had the responsibility of finding someone to buy the kegger and the rest of the drinks we would need. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't hard to do.
Homeless people will do just about anything for some dough, "You're going to get drugs with this aren't you?" I asked him before I handed over the bill; twenty as promised.
"No, no I'm getting food," he said and he sounded sincere, but what hobo doesn't?
"You don't have to lie to us we don't care," Emmett said as he handed over the bag full of goodies and loaded the kegs, three to be exact, into the back of his Jeep.
He shrugged and accepted the money before turning and walking right back into the liquor store.
"Fucking bums, don't they know everyone see's through them?" I mentioned as we pulled away. "They're delusional if they think otherwise."
Saturday rolled around and Jasper listed the time for the party as 5pm. People started showing up at 3pm. Some we knew or recognized from school but most of the faces were foreign to us. The house was off limits, only for VIP I guess you could call it. People we choose to come in, others were left to the patio and the beach; which worked out perfectly.
There were people from LAU, we knew by their college sweaters and some of the guys wore hats. They made a 40 minute drive to come to our party and we were bound and determined to show them a good time.
Emmett turned the tunes up on our oversized stereo system and the party began like that was the cue. Jasper was having a conversation with a cute little petite girl that looked as if he was talking about the most interesting thing in the world. In reality though, he was probably talking about the fucking weather. Marie had totally fucked him up more than he was willing to admit.
I walked across the crowded patio and down the stairs to the beach, grabbing a pint of Jack on the way. When I sat on the edge of the water I heard footsteps coming up behind me.
"Is this seat taken," a feminine voice came from above me. I looked up to see a fairly decent looking woman, maybe a little older than me. That's an added bonus, I thought to myself.
"No please, by all means." She sat down daintily with her legs twisted under her and the wind blew in her chocolate brown hair. Chocolate; I hate chocolate.
"What's your name?" She asked and this was my favorite part of any introduction. When I say my name, my new name, it always rolls right off my tongue; nothing like Masen.
"Edward, Edward Cullen." She bit her bottom lip and it instantly threw me down memory lane. "Chocolate brown eyes," I said.
"Oh, my eyes are hazel," she said assuming I was talking to her.
I regained my composure and replied. "Forgive me," in the best way I could to convey normalcy. "Your name is?"
"Heather, Heather Jackson," she held her hand out for me and I took it in mine. She was soft, I hadn't touched a woman in a while, the feel of it ignited something inside me and I went with it.
OMG I am so stoked to get this updating started...Its not complete yet on my end but it's very close.
I kept telling myself I would not post until it was complete for editing purposes but I just can't hold out any longer. I miss you guys and I want to share this new story with all of you. So please, if you have an account and you're reading, please add to your favs or alerts so you won't miss any updates.
If you don't want to do that, check on Wednesdays and Saturdays (Saturdays are a sure thing) for updates.
I am looking forward to your take on these versions of Edward and Bella, they aren't too out of character but they are a little. So please don't be shy, you know I love those reviews and of course they always make my day. Thank you soo mucho much to Scrimmy for Beta'ing for me and giving me pointers and what not. You totally kick butt.
So there it is...
Leave me sum luv....lil' box just below
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