If Only

BPOV

"You know," I said when I turned the key in the ignition. "She hates it when people call her Rosalie, she prefers Rose."

"Really," his head cocked to one side, "She never mentioned that to me."

"Well, you have been warned."

We got out and before I got to the door he stopped me, "Carlisle might make a big deal about you driving my car. He is the only who drives it besides me and that's only to keep it in shape."

"Oh," was my simple response. "What does that mean?"
"I don't know, he might bring it up."

"No, I mean…why did you let me drive?" His face fell and a light color spread across his cheeks. "Never mind, forget I asked." I turned and walked through the door because, really, I didn't want to know.

Rose and Emmett were surrounded by everyone and they were all talking animatedly. "Bella, oh my Bella I have missed you so much." Rose came and hugged me and Alice joined her. "It's not the same being away from you guys," she half cried as we hugged each other. I felt the shocking sensation dissipate and it made my body yearn for its return.

"I know, are you coming back to Seattle now that the season is over?" I asked.

"We haven't decided between Portland, Seattle and Chicago. It's still up in the air."

Alice's angry tone of voice shocked us all, "Rosalie Swan, how could you not move back to Seattle?"

"Whoa, calm down pixie lady, I didn't say we made a choice did I?" Sister rivalry at it's finest.

"No, but how could there be a choice." Alice was pulling out the big guns, "You'll be close to us again, Emmett and Jasper will be close and Edward's only a four and half hour drive depending on your speed; what could be better than that?"

"We're having a baby."

There was a gasp from every person in the room and it went silent. "Ahh," Esme's blissful scream ripped through the air and everyone joined in. "I'm going to be a grandma," she celebrated.

"Oh, I'm going to be an auntie," Alice cheered.

"Congratulations you guys," I said. I love kids and I hope to have one someday.

"Thanks Bells," Emmett replied as Rose was being half attacked by Esme and Alice. Over the years Emmett and I have bonded like brother and sister. Same with Jasper and I. They both worry about me and I worry about them, it's a give and take relationship. So when Emmett pulled me to the side, away from the group, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

"So how are you holding up?" he asked and I knew the only thing he could be referring to would be about Edward.

"How do you know about that?" I asked cautiously.

"Don't be mad at Rose, it was just pillow talk," he informed me. "She told me about your past and it was the same as Edward's; same names same group home. I knew what was going on but I didn't tell her. She doesn't know."

"How long have you known?"

"About two years now, you both always said how much you hated each other so I didn't say anything because I figured it would come out eventually and why make matters worse when they don't have to be."

"He said he hates me? Why would he hate me?" He's the one that never came back. "I waited for him every day until the day the Swan's adopted me."

"Shh," his voice lowered. "I think you should talk to him about this but I'll tell you he did go back and he was devastated that you weren't there." He was the second person to say that to me, well Alice guessed but she's always right so I should have known.

"Well it looks like we were just not meant to know one another were we?" I crossed my arms and stared at him.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Thank you Emmett but there's no need, I'm fine."

"I saw you were driving his Volvo, you know he doesn't let just anyone drive it; except Carlisle," he added.

"Yeah, he told me that." I was a little irritated that Emmett knew for over two years, but I also understood why he never said anything.

We all ate dinner and went our separate ways. "Um, Carlisle," I found him in the kitchen helping Esme with the dishes.

"Yes Isabella," he grabbed a towel and rolled his hands around in it, "What can I do for you?"

"I heard you have a study full of books, I was wondering if it would be okay if I went and snooped around a bit?"
"Oh please, by all means. The study is across the hall from Edward's room, three doors down. Take all the time you need."

"Thank you, I appreciate it," I was nothing if not polite to the people that were worthy of it.

"You're very welcome, thank you for sharing Christmas with us," he turned back to his wife and took the clean dish from her hand and started drying off with a separate towel.

I walked quietly up the stairs and went directly into the study, clicking the door shut silently behind me. There were three shelves full of books, some were even nestled on top of them. I ran my fingers along the spines of all the books, looking for something that would hold my interest for the remainder of my stay here.

Being around Edward made me feel…lost. I felt like I was 13 again, no motivation to carry on, no hope for the future and my heart; the wound felt like it was being opened, further than it's ever been. I needed something to take my mind off of him, something to keep me busy so he couldn't bother me.

Coming here was probably a mistake that I won't let happen again. He hates me, I hate him, what's the point?

EPOV

I waited and waited in my room for Bella to walk through the door. It is now one in the morning and she is still not in her intended bed. I don't know what I was waiting for, maybe I just wanted her to be close to me. I could still feel the static running through me so I knew she wasn't far.

I took a chance and opened the door to peek out down the hall. Every light was off, except Carlisle's study.

I tip toed down the hall, something I haven't done in years, and stopped when I reached the door with the illuminating light. I pressed my ear up against the door to try and hear something from the other side. I heard nothing but silence.

I turned the knob slowly and opened it to the point it was going to creak; I remember from when I was younger. I poked my head through and at first I didn't see anyone. I entered the room and that's when I saw her. Bella was sitting, bundled up in a fleece blanket on the chair Carlisle has had in his study since I first arrived. It was oversized and comfortable, one of those love chairs (not to be confused with love seat).

There was a book in her hands lying upside down; she must have fallen asleep reading it. I left her there to rest and went back to my room. I felt better knowing she was still here.

The next morning was Christmas Eve, the night we would give out our gifts. I had gotten everyone something, everyone except Bella. I wasn't sure if I should, being our past is so rocky. So I decided to ask Alice what her thoughts were.

"Hey Jasper, can I steal your fiancé for a quick chat." They were all sitting in the living room, Bella included.

"Sure bro, take her anytime you want," he joked and Alice swatted him on the head.

"Thanks Alice," I told her and she joined me in the foyer.

"What's up Eddy boy," she poked me in the chest and I cringed from her nick name.

"For one, please don't call me that, it sounds like you're referring to a dog," I practically pleaded with her.

"Oh, don't be such a sour puss, it's just a name."

"I have a dilemma," I started, "Tonight we will be giving out our gifts and I wasn't sure if I should get Bella anything. I wanted to get your opinion." God please let Alice help me.

"Anyone likes receiving gifts, but Bella isn't just anyone. If you decide to get her anything make it count because with Bella you don't get second chances." I heard her underlying message and it nearly broke my heart. "You are going to have to work hard to get yours," she smiled genuinely at me, "But trust me, if you play your cards right, you'll get it."

She skipped off back to the living room and just as she did Bella walked in, "What was that about. Oh wait, on second thought, I don't want to know," she giggled feebly.

"Actually, I was wondering if you would be opposed to accepting a Christmas gift from me." She looked at me quizzically, "It won't be anything extravagant or anything important, just something. You know, the thought that counts and all that." I didn't want her to think I was trying to win her over with material objects but I also didn't want her to be the only person I didn't get a gift for.

"Well, I guess it would be okay, I have something for you. Actually, I already had it but it's the thought that counts right?" she mocked me not taking her eyes off the glass she was filling from the water dispenser on the fridge.

I was shocked, "Really?" I didn't expect that.

"Yeah, I'm not sure how you'll feel about it so don't get your hopes up." She walked right by me; close enough I could feel her warmth and continued back into the living room. I joined them and we had a lively conversation about our lives and what we did for fun and all of that. It was very informative; until Esme started probing at Bella's childhood.

"I ah…really, I don't mean to offend, but I'd rather not talk about it now, it's not a happy story and it's Christmas." Bella smiled nervously at Esme before looking down at her lap.

"Its okay sweetie, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. I sometimes pry and I don't even know I'm doing it so don't be afraid to tell me so." Esme is such a wonderful understanding woman and she is very hard to displease.

"Thank you," Bella replied mercifully

"Well, I guess we should get dinner started, we want to get that out of the way so we can move on to the fun part."
"PRESENTS," Jasper and Emmett both cheered.

"You guys are a couple of little kids," Rose sneered teasingly.

"Who doesn't fucking like presents," Emmett shot back at her.

"Emmett Cullen," Esme barked, "You watch your tongue in front of the ladies."

"What, she's dissing presents. My little man is going to love the shit out of them." He put his hand on Rosalie's belly, that wasn't showing any sign of pregnancy as of yet, and moved his face closer to it, "Wont you little slugger?"

"Your little princess is going to end up with a potty mouth just like her father," the room erupted in laughter, even I couldn't help laughing..

I got up and went to the kitchen, I needed to go into town but I wanted to be sure I wasn't needed before I did. I don't know why, I'm usually a don't-give-a-fuck kind of guy but I had an urge to make this Christmas a good one.

"I have to head into town for some last minute shopping; do you need my help around here before I go?" Esme turned to look at me and so did Carlisle.
They were both silent for a moment, "I think we're fine, we could use some logs for the fire but I think you, Jasper and Emmett can handle that after dinner," Esme found her voice before Carlisle did.

"Okay, I'll be back in an hour or so." I left without telling anyone else, I didn't want to give anyone the chance to try and tag along. I needed the time to myself and I wasn't going to let anyone take that away from me.

When I got in the car I could smell something, girly smelly shit, and if it wasn't the honey and lilac scent that followed Bella around it would have pissed me off. Instead, it calmed me and I breathed it in heavily.

Chicago was still open for business; the stores were all lit up waiting for the last minute shoppers such as myself. I went into several stores and didn't find squat. I had no clue what to get her, I haven't the slightest clue what the fuck she likes or what the fuck she's into. I was about to say fuck it and just get her a card or some shit but then I came across the perfect gift, well as perfect as it was going to get with what I knew of her now.

I grabbed the item and took it up to the counter, paid the man and headed back to the house.

When I arrived I was just in time for dinner.

BPOV

I woke up in the morning, still in the chair in Carlisle's study. My neck hurt like hell and my back felt like something had been pushing into it all night. It was early, 6am, and I snuck into Edward's room and into the guest room without waking him up.

The shower felt good, my body was aching from the night's sleep on the chair and the water relieved some of the tension. I felt better today, about being here. I think I doubted my strength last night. Edward seems so different yet the same in so many ways. I know it isn't his fault I started to fall back into the state of mind I was in the last time I was near him like we are now, a room's length between us.

I either needed to get over it, move on or steer clear of him forever. That seemed like an impossibility, what with the weddings, holidays and birthdays; but I could find a way to make it work if that's what needs to be done.

I dressed in the bathroom for fear of him opening one of the two doors that divided us. I made it out of my part of the room silently but stopped when I saw the light breaking through the curtain shinning on Edward's bare back.

My body temperature raised and I'm sure my skin was red when my eyes fell on him. His back was muscular, curved and touchable. I involuntarily licked my lips and caught myself before my mind wandered anywhere else. I b-lined it for the door and stubbed my toe on his bed frame. He stirred but I slipped out and closed the door, hopeful that he didn't notice.

The morning was much better than the previous night, I was actually really enjoying myself and I continued to do so even after Edward came down to join us. When he pulled Alice away from the group I got a little nervous. After about five minutes had passed I got up to get some water and Alice was leaving the kitchen.

She winked at me as she skipped by and I wasn't sure what to make of it.

"What was that about?" I asked Edward when I saw him standing there. I decided I didn't want to know and continued to the water dispenser on the fridge. He asked me if he could give me a Christmas gift and I saw no harm in that. I had something for him, I didn't buy it but it's priceless.

We talked about our lives, memories that were both good and funny. We steered clear of anything remotely depressing and when Esme asked me about my childhood I asked her in the nicest way possible if we could not talk about it. Much to my relief, she agreed and pushed no further.

Edward left shortly after to go into town, undoubtedly, getting my Christmas gift. When Carlisle came out I headed into the kitchen to see if Esme needed a second pair of hands.

"Could you use some help?" I rolled up my sleeves and grabbed the turkey baster. "Here," I plunged it into the juices that surround the bird and let it slide down the sides of the turkey.

"Thank you Bella, that's sweet of you to assist."

"I love to cook and I like to help out," I confessed.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to make you nervous or put you on the spot. I just like to talk and get to know as much as I can about a person. You really cannot judge a book by it's cover. I have learned that the hard way."

We batted, hammered and crushed the cookies, made homemade pies and mashed the potatoes. There was enough food to feed a small village which was good considering Emmett would be involved. I know how he eats; like a wild animal.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked while I was gathering the plates and utensils.

"Shoot," I replied without a second thought.

"Is there something going on between you and Edward? I noticed you drive up in his car yesterday and that's a first." She didn't stop with the turkey as she asked.

I tensed up and forgot how to breathe. "I, ah, no, we were just out driving and I asked him if I could drive. He put up a fight though," I laughed but even I could tell that it was forced.

"You must have, he has never let anyone drive that car…he must trust you." She took the turkey on its way out to the dining room table and I caught my breath while she exited the room.

Edward arrived just as I was setting the table and he looked to be empty handed. That was fine with me. I didn't expect nor did I want anything from him.

"Okay, you boys go out and find us some logs to burn in the fire while us girls clean up." Esme stood and headed toward the kitchen taking her plate with her. We all followed and started on our assignments.

Half hour later the boys were back and a log was crackling in the fire place. We all got comfortable in the living room in front of the tree. Somehow I ended up on the opposite side of the room as Edward and for some reason it really frustrated me. I wanted him to be closer, for reasons unknown to me but I know that's what I wanted.

"So," Edward started after all the presents were passed out and opened on the floor, wrapping paper strewn about. "I don't really know much about you, so I had a hard time finding you a gift, but I got you one anyways." He held his hand out with a floppy wrapped flat present occupying it.

"Thank you," I blushed as I took it from his hand. I peeled the tape off, careful to not rip it and inside was a sticker. I laughed out loud when I read it.

SNOWBUNNY DRIFTER, it had a little pink bunny skidding around in the snow on its big feet. For some reason it really pulled at my heartstrings. It was very sweet and sentimental.

Now it was my turn.

"Okay, so this is going to be quite the experience," I said mostly to myself but I know everyone heard me. I looked at Carlisle and Esme when I spoke clearly. "I don't know how much you know about me or if you remember at all but I knew Edward in the group home back in Forks Washington. I was there with him when you adopted him." Esme's mouth fell open.

"You're Bella? I knew I recognized you from somewhere." She sounded stunned, which I was prepared for.

"Yeah, and while Edward was there," I swallowed loudly to keep back my emotions, another thing I have perfected over the years. "We grew very close. Before he left he gave me something." I held the little box in my hand and directed toward Edward who stood quick on his feet and accepted it. "I want you to have it back because I know how much it meant to you."

I saw the glee in his eyes when he looked at me, clutching the box in his hands. He ripped the paper off without taking his eyes away from mine until the paper was sufficiently removed; his gaze fell to the opened box. He pulled out the locket I have held in my hands countless times over the last 10 years, and the box fell to the floor.

So first of all, I'm sorry if the story seems like it is taking forever, but that's just how it is. I do believe in happy endings and Bella and Edward being together, but I also believe in hardship and growing as a person. I hope you can stick with me until it is done. I don't want to lose your interest but I promise good stuff is coming in the very near future chapters.

Thanks to everyone who left a review on the last chapter. I feel terrible that I can't reply to everyone but taking three online courses and a class on campus really takes up some time. Add in the kids, the boyfriend and the dogs, I have no time to do anything. I read everyone of the reviews and I smile when I see one on my phone. I know I've said that many a times but it's true.

Thanks to Beta Scrimmy, I appreciate everything you do to make it easier for me to post. If only you could send out my emails on TTs because it is the most tidius thing ever.

So they aren't together still and it's going to be a few chapters. I think I just sent Scrimmy chapter 14 and they are almost there. So I believe chapter 16 will be it. But don't let that deter you, there is still a lot of fun to be had in the future chapters....one includes a bar fight, and another includes the first kiss. Actually, that might be the same chapter, haha....

Please leave me sum luv....lil' button just below

(

)

(

\/