Love Actually

EPOV

Every present I received did not amount to a tenth of the happiness Bella's gift brought to me. My mother's locket, the picture of me still snug in its spot where it has been since my mother gave it to me. I gave it to Bella so she would know I would be back. I wouldn't leave it behind because it was the only thing left to remind me of where I came from.

"Take it Bella," she wouldn't accept it, she just kept crying. "Bella, you know how much this means to me. I would not leave it here with you if I didn't intend on getting it back." She still cried.

I lifted her off the couch she was seated on, waiting while I got my things to leave with the good doctor and his wife, and took her snuggly into my arms. "What did we do wrong?" she whimpered. "Why does this have to happen?"

"We didn't do anything Bella, it's these fuckers tearing us apart," I said it loud enough so everyone could hear me.

"This sucks," she sniveled. "It really, really fucking sucks." Bella didn't curse, it wasn't her style, only when she was really pissed or really hurt. I didn't have to guess which time it was; I was feeling it, too.

"I know but Bella," I made her look at me; her blood shot eyes tore into me like a stake to my heart. "I will be back for you, this locket proves that." I slid it into her hand and clenched her fist for her. I squeezed her to me, praying and hoping to god it wasn't going to be the last time and kissed her head. That's all I ever had the balls to do, I never could express my feelings well.

Having a dead beat for a father and a push over for a mother, there wasn't a lot of emotional expression during my upbringing.

"You've had this all these years?" There were tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat but I didn't care. Bella had kept my locket for almost 10 years; still in the same condition I left it in.

"I couldn't throw it away if that's what you mean," she said, "It's too sentimental and holds too many memories." Every pair of eyes in that room were on her and she was handling it beautifully.

"Thank you Bella," I breathed and the tear that was teetering on the edge fell and I exited the room swiftly. I had to get out of there before anyone noticed, especially my brothers, I would never hear the end of it.

I cried; I mean really cried in my room on my bed, clutching the locket in my closed fist close against my chest. I figured it was gone forever, even when I saw her and talked to her over the phone the thought never crossed my mind to ask her if she still had it.

I lay there for what felt like hours, letting all of the memories of Bella consume me. I never did this, not once did I let them flow freely without caution. I hadn't forgotten anything; it was all still fresh in my mind.

I was just about to fall asleep, having cried myself to fatigue, when the door creaked open and I heard the sound of feather light footsteps heading toward the guest room.

"Bella," I said through the dark.

"Oh shit," then there was a loud banging noise and I jumped up out of bed, leaving the locket there on my sheets. My eyes were adjusted to the dark and I could see what happened.

Bella ran right into my dresser, I mean right into it and fell to the floor. "Let me help you," I reached down for her and she let me pull her up by wrapping her hand around mine. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just a little clumsy," she chuckled nervously. "How are you doing? I didn't think it would be that hard on you or I would have given it to you privately, I'm sorry."

"Please don't be, I couldn't be happier. I thought I'd never see it again."

"Okay, well, thank you for letting me hold on to it, I'll be going to bed now." She started for the double doors but I wasn't done with her yet. There was one thing I needed to do, something I've wanted to do since the airport.

My hand found hers in the dark and before she could object I pulled her close to me, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and I just hugged her. I can't even remember the last time I hugged a woman that wasn't Esme. I had forgotten how good it could feel to really want that person to be happy, to be safe and want to hug you back.

It totally sucked.

Until she hugged me back.

She wrapped her little arms around my waist and held me tight against her. Her head rested against my chest and she felt so fucking right in my arms. I could tell she was being safe, she wasn't letting herself feel, but I knew she had to feel this.

I held on tight; prepared to hold on forever if she would allow me the pleasure. But of course that wasn't going to happen and too soon her grip fell.

"I have to get some sleep," she said when she released me.

"Can we talk tomorrow?" The words came out before I even thought about them.

"Yeah, we can talk," she went through her door and as she went to shut them I saw, by the light of the moon, the tears falling from her eyes.

BPOV

The moment Edward left the room I could feel everyone gawking at me. Alice was shocked as was Rose, Emmett and Jasper were stunned stupid and Carlisle and Esme looked heartbroken.

"Bella, wow, this is just…wow," Alice couldn't find the words. I didn't blame her.

"I know that probably wasn't the best way to tell you," I said to Carlisle and Esme in an attempt to explain what just happened. "But the gift wouldn't have made sense to anyone if I hadn't."

"I can't believe it's you," Esme finally spoke, "You have no idea what that boy has gone through since we brought him here." She almost seemed mad, a mother's wrath see's no mercy.

"Oh, I think I do," I chuckled nervously.

"Do you? Can you really consider how much that affected him and not just yourself?" maybe it wasn't anger; persistence was probably a better word for it.

"I can, but it still doesn't change anything, it doesn't make it go away; nothing ever will." I looked down at my lap and suddenly felt like I wasn't welcome any more. That definitely wasn't what I was expecting.

"Forgive me Bella, I do not mean to be rude, I just hated to see him so torn, so broken. He let you drive his car sweetie, he still cares about you; always has."

"Last I heard he hated me," I glanced at Emmett and he faux smiled.

"Oh no dear, god no. He hated that you weren't here, that he couldn't find you, that he had to live with breaking the promise he made to you and there was nothing he could do to fix it." She was definitely fighting for her son and I admired her for it.

"Things don't change overnight and my wounds won't heal easily. I have been through a lot too and I don't forget." I got up and headed toward the stairs.

Esme was right behind me. "Bella talk to him, please. I think you'll like what you find."

"We planned on talking and I still plan on it. Thank you for the gifts but I think I'm ready for bed."

"Thank you." She left me on the stairs and I continued to the room.

I tried to be covert like this morning but he scared the crap out of me when he said my name and I ran right into his dresser. After making a complete fool of myself and having him help me up I headed to the double doors but something stopped me. A shock ran through me as his hand gripped mine and he pulled me to him.

For a moment I fought with myself against my needs and my wants. I NEED to get out of the situation I was in for my own sanity and emotions. I WANTED to be right where I was, in the arms of the only man I have ever loved.

My wants won in the end and I returned the hug that I wanted so badly for so long. The longer it went on the more it felt right, I never wanted to let go. I had a feeling he felt the same so I was the one to let go first.

With tears rolling down my cheeks and my mind spinning in so many different directions, I left him standing there and retired to my room.

For the third time and second night I woke up from a dreamless sleep. I'd gotten more sleep in the last three days than I would in any given week. It was refreshing but it also made me groggy when I woke up.

I headed straight for the bathroom and when it opened right up I did not expect to see Edward standing at the sink brushing his teeth with a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," I held my hand up to cover my eyes and closed the door snuggly as I darted back to my bed and threw the covers over me. I didn't see anything besides his back side but damn did he look good.

***************
After I showered and got dressed my phone rang on the dresser and it was Renée.

"Merry Christmas sweetie, how are things?"

"As good as they can be considering the circumstances," I shrugged even though she couldn't see it.

"How so? Did something happen?"

"Well, it turns out some higher power hates me," I plopped down on the bed and prepared for the water works that were coming.

"Nobody hates you Bella."

"Edward does, did you know that he's Emmett and Jasper's brother. Yeah, Edward from my nightmares is Emmett and Jasper's brother. Carlisle and Esme are the couple that adopted him."
"What? Is he there now?"

"Yes, and he wants to talk about what happened but I don't think I can."

"Is he coming here?"

"No, I don't think so, I hope he doesn't. It's so hard to be around him and act like nothing happened because something did happen and it's been haunting me for the last decade."
"Maybe it's been haunting him too; maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him."
I sniffed my emotions back and took a deep choppy breath. "I know but I don't know what's going on in his head, what if we do talk and then he leaves…again? I can't let there be that possibility, I just can't take that kind of pain again. It's ruined my life."

"Did he come to you and ask to talk?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything."

"Have you been having the dreams?"

"No, I haven't had one since the flight from Vegas, which he sat right next to me and I haven't any night since. What is wrong with me?" I lost my control for a moment, we were touching on a sensitive subject.

"Nothing is wrong with you Bella, I think somehow you're avoiding fate and it's taking more action. You shouldn't just shrug it off; you should see where it takes you. You only live once Bella and you should do your part in making the best of it. Or you could avoid it entirely and continue living unhappy and alone."

"I have to go; I'll call you later after my life gets ruined all over again." I hung up before anything else could be said that would make me feel smaller than I already felt. I was startled by a light knock on my door and then I heard Edward's voice. It ripped through me, opening the wound completely all over again, knowing what I was about to do.

I couldn't do this, all the hard work I'd put in over the years all lead up to this and it was weighing me down, I couldn't stay afloat any longer.

It was harder than I thought but I did it, I told him I had to go and that I forgave him. I felt horrible for not giving him the closure I'm sure he desperately needed, but it wasn't about him.

Alice was ready at the entrance to the Kitchen with car keys in her hand. Renée called me, "Are you sure this is what you want to do?"

"Yes," I looked into the kitchen and saw all the faces looking back at me. "I'm very sorry if I've ruined your Christmas breakfast and I really appreciate the gifts but I'm not this strong person. I can't deal with this and I know it's the easy way out but for now, it's my only option."
"You haven't ruined anything," Esme left the table and stood in front of me. "Do what you think needs to be done, but you are part of this family now whether you accept it or not." She gave me a hug and returned to her seat.

'Thank you."

I headed out the door not saying another word. Rose and Emmett were coming to Seattle after Forks to visit and look for a house so I would see them again soon enough.

Alice argued with me the whole drive down to the airport, I tried to tune her out because I knew deep down that what she was saying was true, but I wasn't ready for any of this. I needed more time.

EPOV

I woke up with mixed emotions about the day ahead of me. It wasn't because it was Christmas and it wasn't because everyone in the house knew mine and Bella's business and it definitely wasn't because Esme always makes the best Christmas breakfast.

Bella had agreed to talk to me today about our past, the present and the future.

On my way to the shower I saw Bella sleeping, she looked so peaceful and calm; I wish I could sleep like that. The shower was nice, refreshing and the hot water felt great against my skin. While brushing my teeth Bella walked in and the moment she realized I was standing there with a towel wrapped around my waist, the pink that I used to make fun of her for, that now only made her more stunning covered her cheeks and she adverted her eyes.

I wanted to tell her it was fine, it's not like she saw anything, but she left and shut the door before I had the chance.

I looked for her when I exited the bathroom and I noticed she was completely immersed under her blanket.

"I'm so sorry Edward, I wasn't thinking straight. I should have knocked," she apologized from under the covers.

"No need, nothing was seen, it's all good. I'll be in my room changing so you're free to do as you please." I smiled as I exited the room. I could hear her moments later moving around and rummaging through her belongings then she went to the bathroom.

I had an urge to go and look around in her room, just look not touch, but I didn't do it. Instead I headed downstairs and bacon and eggs filled me and suddenly I was ravenous.

"Good morning," Esme and Carlisle were the only ones up and they were both preparing Esme's Christmas breakfast.

"Merry Christmas," Esme was a big Christmas fan, she did the caroling thing every year with a group of her friends, and it was just a really good time of year for her.

"Yeah, it is Merry isn't it?" I took my seat at the bar and snatched a piece of bacon off its tray before Esme could stop me, "Mmm."

"Edward Anthony, you eat when everyone else eats," she scolded me teasingly. I don't have one memory of Esme being angry, I mean really angry with me.

"I know, I'm just testing it," I laughed.

Her face fell and she looked serious, "How are you handling things?" she asked under her breath.

"Oh, you mean with Bella being here?" she shook her head, "Better than I expected."

"She seems hurt Edward; have you two talked about what happened?" She was always worried about me, more than Emmett and Jasper, but that was okay with me.

"A little, we're going to talk more today," I said nonchalantly.

"That's good, I feel terrible that we didn't send you back there sooner. I feel responsible."

"No, don't, it isn't your fault at all." She had to know that she has been wonderful to me the entire time; I just didn't notice it sooner.

"Well, I hope you work out whatever it is that needs to be worked out, I hate seeing you so miserable and you seem happier. Is it because of her?" She asked under her breath again.

"I don't know, well find out." I hope.

Alice and Jasper came down not long after I started setting the table and Rose and Emmett after them. Everyone sat down and Bella was nowhere in sight. "I'll be right back," I exited the room and started ascending the stairs, two at a time. I could hear something muffled and my pace faltered.

The door to my old room was cracked open and I could make out the sound of soft sobs coming from the guest room. I went in, not knowing exactly what I was going to say or what I was going to do but I had to do something.

Hearing her cry was like a knife to my heart, it felt the same as it did back then.

I stopped in mid step right before I reached her door because I realized she was on the phone.

"No, I don't think so, I hope he doesn't. It's so hard to be around him and act like nothing happened because something did happen and it's been haunting me for the last decade." She sniffled and took a deep choppy breath, "I know but I don't know what's going on in his head, what if we do talk and then he leaves…again? I can't let there be that possibility, I just can't take that kind of pain again. It's ruined my life."

"Yes," she answered a question directed at her. "I guess but that doesn't mean anything."

"No, I haven't had one since the flight from Vegas, where he sat right next to me."

"What is wrong with me?" She broke down and on the inside,so did I.

"I have to go, I'll call you later after my life gets ruined all over again," I heard her phone snap shut and the covers on the bed being ruffled. She exhaled heavily, "You can do this," she whispered to herself.

I knocked on the door, "You coming down?"

She cleared her throat, "Um, yeah, I'll be down in a minute."

"Okay, we'll wait for you." I headed back toward my door and I heard the door open behind me.

"No need, I'm coming." When I looked at her she shielded her face from me and I wanted so bad to comfort her.

"Is everything alright?" I chanced.

Her hands dropped to her sides and she looked up at me with the most devastating expression. Her eyes were blood shot, her lips turned into a small frown and her cheeks were painted pink. "No Edward, everything is not alright." She sat down on the edge of my bed and her head fell into her hands. "You can't just show up one day and expect things to work out like you want them to."

I got down on my knees and tried to comfort her the best way that I could. "I don't expect things to go exactly as planned, " I went with a calm and understanding approach.

"Stop being so calm about this," her head shot out of her hands and her eyes were fierce looking into mine. "Ten years Edward, ten very long years wasted because I couldn't let go." Her eyes fell to her knees and her voice was softer. "I was almost there, I could feel it, it was within my reach and then." Her tone changed, "Here you come back into my life and act like nothing ever happened."

"No, no I know what happened," I caught her attention with my eyes and she had her guard up, but it was weak, I could sense it. "I know it won't be fucking easy but I want to try and put it behind us. I did not mean to leave you there Bella; I had every intention of going back and finding you there. I did not leave you on my own accord…I never would have left if it was up to me."

"I can't do this, it's too much." She stood up and walked back through the double doors.

"You have to eat something Bella," I stood to follow her and when I got to the door she had her bags in hand.

"I'm leaving, I'm going to Forks early so I can see Charlie and Renée before you and everyone else arrives."

"Wait, your leaving, now, what about our talk?" she started pressing past me and stopped right next to me.

"You didn't intend on leaving me, I had no way of knowing that and I didn't leave you any clue as to where I was. That's the story what else is there?" her eyes were steady on mine as she waited for my response.

I couldn't help the anger that coursed through me, "How about what the fuck we both went through over the last 10 years, it might help to know that we were both having issues."

"Do you forgive me?" she asked.

"Yes, but I want to fucking talk about this," I was panicking, she was leaving I wasn't going to get my chance and I wasn't going to get my talk.

"I forgive you Edward, it's time we move on," she started towards the door, her rolling bag close behind her. I stopped her, one last chance to say what I needed to say.

"What if I don't want to move on?"

"It isn't only about what you want. Thank you for the gift Edward," then she walked out the door.

BPOV

I arrived in Forks later that night and was beyond happy to see Charlie and Renée. They were my safe haven; I knew they would never leave me, the only people I could say that about and know wholeheartedly that it was true.

We talked about Edward, I really didn't want to but she dug it out of me. I cried a lot and Renée comforted me the best way that she could. I told her how I really felt.

I wanted to start over with Edward; I wanted to see if there was something more there than just my own insecurities. The hole in my heart was open now and there wasn't going to be any healing anytime soon.

Renée said I should talk to him; at least give him something if I don't want anything. He deserves that much; I don't think I'm capable of doing that.
"How long are you staying?" she asked when we sat on the floor in front of the fire place; hot chocolate in our hands.

"They'll be here tomorrow around three and I'll be leaving at around 10 am…I just can't stand up to him right now. I know where he is, I have his number. I'll call him when I'm ready to talk."

"Maybe you should tell him so he doesn't get the wrong impression," Renée always thinking on the bright side.

"Yeah, maybe I should," I took sip of my cocoa and got up.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to call him," I walked out of the front room and followed the stairs up to my old room which was now a study. I had my phone set right to his contact information but my finger lingered over the call button. I almost pushed it but instead I pushed the send sms button; yes I am chicken.

Sorry about not keeping my word, I panicked and I know I cannot handle this kind of pressure right now. Please forgive me and we'll talk soon.-B

I sent the message and sat down in the office chair. The computer illuminated to life and what I did next was strictly by impulse.

I navigated the mouse to the search engine and went straight to Google. I typed in Edward Cullen and pressed search. There were picture images available and other articles, so I clicked on the first link. It was his MySpace page. The first thing I noticed was his profile name, FuNk Me RiGhT. I scrolled down and his friends list was even more revealing.

The first few were some celebrities, musicians by the looks of them. All the others were girls with very revealing clothing, something I found to be a bit offending. In the section where it asked you to list your hero's the answer confused me to the point I had to sign in to my account and send him a message. It was odd how I thought of this person every day of my life for the last ten years and dreamt of him too, and now he's here in the flesh yet I push him away still. Something is wrong with me.

I know exactly what's wrong with me…I'm afraid; afraid of rejection, afraid of being abandoned and afraid to open my heart to him for the second time and have history repeat itself.

In love, but incapable of love; how ironic.

Oh, please stick with me....just to give you some incentive to stay and find out what happens....my beta just received the chapter that includes my very first lemony lemon. No Smut...I can hardly read smut with blushing so no way in heck I can write it haha. I had a hard time writing what I did....but I want you all to know there is good times to be had in the future and I really want to get there. I won't say which chapter it is but it's after chapter 15....that's all I'm saying you won't get any more out of me...my lips are sealed.

Also, there has been no talk of Edward's past and it will come up soon. Just so you know.

Thank you Scrimmy (My totally awesome Beta for SH) she told me you all will love the lemon and will forgive me for the wait when it comes....I really hope so.

Sorry if it seems like each chapter is the same thing over and over again, but our fav couple have issues in this story that need to be worked out.

Thanks so much for your reviews....over 200 whooo go me....thanks in whole to y'all for taking the time to leave me your love.....

Don't stop now....leave me sum luv...lil' button just below

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