Thanks for reading, guys! This is set during OotP - as is most of the rest of the fic, other than the epilogue. Enjoy!
1995
Harry barrelled towards his godfather, pleased to see him again, while Lupin, Kingsley Shaklebolt and Mad-Eye Moody looked on in amusement. It was clear that he had missed the man. Lupin didn't blame him. He missed Sirius... almost as much as he missed Tonks.
There was a bang from the fireplace, and Molly Weasley came through. Lupin felt the heat of her scowl when she saw him. She had known he was part of the Order of the Phoenix but she had never wholly forgiven him for Charlie and Tonks breaking up. "Remus," she said coolly.
"Molly," Lupin said, much more civilly. "How are you?"
"Fine," Molly said, just as coolly as before. There was a pregnant pause before she turned to Sirius, who was kin, and said, "I don't want him anywhere near Ginny."
"Molly, surely you don't believe any of that rubbish about him being a child molester?" Sirius asked.
"He is right here," Lupin said testily. "Molly, if you don't want me to speak to Ginny, I'll do my best to accommodate that."
"You'd better. I haven't forgotten what you did to that poor girl."
"Oh, stop it, Molly," Sirius said tersely. "He didn't do anything she didn't want. When was the last time someone ever managed to stop a Black from doing something they had their heart set on? I have a cousin who's in Azkaban, proud to be there for her beliefs," he reminded her, not needing to add that he himself had escaped for there out of a desire to protect Harry. No-one had ever made a Black do something they didn't want to, or prevented them from going after something that they wanted badly enough. If Andromeda can let it go, then so can you."
Lupin flashed him a grateful smile. It was nice to know there was at least one person in the world who didn't think he was this child-molesting monster. He thought about telling Molly that Tonks had been something special and he couldn't imagine ever falling for someone that young, let alone younger, but thought she might just take offense. Parents had a very contradictory way of looking at things; they were offended that he was a danger to their daughters, but they were offended when he tried to explain that girls, in the plural, didn't interest him; it had been one girl, and she had been damn special. God forbid that Ginerva Weasley, or Hermione Granger, or anyone else Molly considered to be her girl, should fail to measure up in Tonks's specialness, and Lupin had found that it was best not to imply that they lacked that specialness. "If it makes you feel better, Molly, I promise I will never be alone with her. Or Hermione," he added, although that might be a little harder, because Hermione was fond of him – in a strictly student-teacher way, of course – and less likely to pay any attention to any of Molly's directives.
"Thankyou," Molly said stiffly, her tone saying she wasn't particularly grateful.
"You're too hard on him," Sirius told her later. "You don't understand what it was like between them. He tried to keep her at arm's length, and she's always been really precocious. She was happier with him than Charlie, and that's not anyone's fault."
"I can't help the way I feel, Sirius."
"Well, neither can they. Merlin's beard, I'm sorry I vouched for her now."
He had let it slip. Molly's eyes went wide. "Wait – Tonks is coming here? To join the Order? And you vouched for her?" Sirius nodded. "What in Merlin's name possessed you to do such an idiotic thing?"
"She's my cousin, Molly, and she was determined to join. Would you have me tell her no and have her find some sneaky way to get in? Or have everything be above-board and me be able to use what influence I have on her?"
It was a valid point, and she would have whole-heartedly agreed with him had it not been for the fact she would be within close proximity to Lupin. "Does Remus know?" Molly asked shrewdly.
"Does Remus know what?" Lupin asked, overhearing the last of the conversation.
"Tonks wanted to join the order," Sirius explained. "I vouched for her to Dumbledore. Actually, it was more of a trade – my cousin for my house," he admitted.
Lupin immediately went stiff with anger. "And what in Merlin's name possessed you to do such a thing?" he asked, which got him a small smile out of Molly that he didn't understand.
"She's my cousin – " Sirius started to say.
"And she's also my ex. Who I abandoned!"
"Yeah. That wasn't exactly the classiest thing for you to do," Sirius said with a smirk.
"Fine. I'll quit," Lupin threatened.
"You can't do that, it will break the secrecy of the Order," Sirius pointed out. Lupin looked furious to be put in this position. If he had known Tonks wanted to be part of the order, he would have let her take his spot. "She's two years older than you saw her last," Sirius said."And six since you were involved with her. And she knows how important it is to behave professionally. I doubt she'll cause you any troubles. Besides," he added "she's a proud woman and you broke her heart. She'll probably want no more to do with you than you do her."
There was a crash at the front door as Tonks Appirated – badly. "It's only me!" she called, although that would have been plenty obvious to anyone who knew her. She walked into the kitchen where Sirius was with Molly and Mad-Eye Moody. She hugged her cousin, always pleased to see him. "You look well," she said delightedly.
"A regular supply of home-cooked meals and a decent bed every night can do a soul the world of good," he confirmed. "How are you doing?"
She went into detail about her success as an Auror, despite her clumsiness, and glossed over the fact she hadn't seen anyone since Charlie had left for Romania. In actually fact she was dying to ask about Lupin but didn't want to appear too eager.
And then there he was, coming through from the kitchen, looking tireder and shabbier than ever – word had he had struggled to find a decent-paying job since being outed from Hogwarts – but still possessing that energy that she had found so strangely hypnotic.
His lips curved into a small smile when he saw her, hoping for civility, and it all came flooding back. Being caught in bed with him by her parents, the way he had walked out on her, the way he had drugged her and returned her to her parents when she had gone to him for help, the way he had forced her away from him two years ago and then Appirated before she could react. She had loved him, and he had turned his back on her.
She bounded over to him and struck him as hard as she could, raking her nails – she was glad she had opted to wear them long and sharp today, with blood-red polish – down his cheek. The room went deathly silent at her assault on him, but she wasn't finished. "You bastard!" she hissed at him, striking his face again, pounding on his chest in frustration when he didn't do anything – didn't try to defend himself, didn't even appear to register the pain. "You – abandoned me – and drugged me – and won't talk to me – I hate you – hate you – hate you."
It was one 'I hate you' too many; effortlessly he picked her up and put her over his shoulder, hauling into the next room with her screaming at him the whole way. "Should we do something?" Molly asked in a quiet voice, floored by Tonks's outburst.
"They'll be right," Sirius said indifferently. "They'll yell at each other for a bit and then calm down. He's always known how to handle her – at least so Andromeda says."
"But still – don't you worry he'll hurt her?"
"Remus? I can't think of anyone who'd be less likely to hurt a person. Not even at the full moon," he added pointedly, deciding not to mention that he had since come to the conclusion that Lupin had showed his more aggressive side to her – and she had liked it. "I was with him for many of them. He hurt himself before he hurt anyone else."
"You really think he's good for her?" Molly asked suspiciously.
"If I didn't know him, then yeah, I'd be the loudest calling for his head. But I reckon I know him better than anyone else around, except maybe Dumbledore, and he's well aware of his limitations. You know, people have made such a big deal about how she can do so much better than him, but they overlook the fact that she can also do so much worse. I don't know how true it is, but I know she certainly feels like the only men who've ever been interested in her for herself and not the fact she can be any fantasy were Charlie and Remus."
"And you really think their feelings for each other are genuine?" Molly asked suspiciously, unable to forget how hard Charlie had tried to make her return his feelings.
Sirius laughed, knowing exactly what Molly was thinking. "I think more than anything your problem is the fact she turned down your son for someone older, poorer and more dangerous. Look, I don't know about Tonks. I know she thinks she loved him, but she was a teenager at the time and now she's a Black who's been told she can't have what she wants. But I know Remus. He's not one to pine over something he can't have – believe me, the kind of life he's had, I would have heard about that by now. If he's struggling to get over her, then, yeah, I'd put money on the fact his feelings are real."
Lupin dumped Tonks on the couch, and when she tried to get up, waved his wand at her and forced her back into it. "Stay," he growled at her, and she decided that it was in her best interest to stay sat. "You idiot girl," he snapped at her. "What the hell did you think you were doing?"
"What did I think I was doing? You were the one who abandoned me – and drugged me – and – "
"Yeah, I got all that," he said shortly. "I meant what possessed you to make a scene like that?"
She glowered at him filthily. "You walked out on me," she said, her voice shaking with anger.
"I didn't have a choice! I would have dragged you down with me!"
"I had the right to have a say! God, Remus, I loved you – you were supposed to protect me."
"What do you think I was doing?" he asked tiredly. God, but she looked so enchanting with her violet hair and her filled-out figure. Maybe if he focused on being angry with her, he wouldn't be so focused on how enchanting she looked.
She glowered at him again. "That wasn't protecting me, that was being a condescending prick," she snapped at him. "So, what, all those times you said you loved me – was that just some bullshit ploy to get me into bed?"
"As I recall, Tonks, you came to me determined to go to bed with me," Lupin retorted. "You don't get to change your mind years after the fact. Jesus, I knew this would happen."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she asked.
"It means you were just a child infatuated with an older man and I should have known better than to take advantage of that."
Tonks flared. Far worse that he told her what they'd had was never real than his initial non-response to her anger. "How – dare – you," she spat at him. "You wanted me as much as I wanted you, and you're just being a cowardly shit to pretend otherwise." Her eyes flashed at him, and she thought she saw something in his eyes – a longing. "Fine," she said triumphantly. "If you never wanted me, then I'll find someone else who will." It was a threat that had worked before, when they had first gotten together, and she was hoping the idea of her in bed with another man might drive him so mad with jealousy that he'd – she knew if he wanted to, she'd let him take her right now, on this couch.
Lupin knew exactly what she was up to. "That only worked when I wanted you," he said, the lie coming easily to his lips.
She narrowed her eyes at him. She had expected him to become inflamed with jealousy, like he had the first time they'd gotten together. "What the hell does that mean?" she asked.
"It means I can smell him all over you," Lupin lied, because not even werewolf smell was good enough to pick up on another lover years after the fact. "I only wanted you when you were only mine." He spoke the words with deliberate, if entirely faked, cruelty, knowing that he had been possessive enough in the past that she would believe him now.
He could see he had knocked the wind out of her. "You're just saying that," she said, her voice breaking in such a way that told him he had gotten to her.
"If you loved me as much as you say you did, you should have waited until you were older," he taunted her. "You're used goods now. Why would I want you?"
She put her hands over her ears. "No," she said, refusing to listen.
He pulled her hands to her sides, forcing her to listen to him. "I don't share my women," he said, twisting his words cruelly so it came across loud and clear that he was calling her a whore. "You're just trash now."
She was crying now, and it broke his heart to see her cry, let alone be the cause of it. But maybe now she would leave him alone, get over him. He let go of her hands and let her stumble backwards. "So why don't you go find someone a little less discerning? Hell, maybe Charlie Weasley will take you back. He was happy enough to take my sloppy seconds before." And with that he walked out of the room, leaving her to cry over her broken heart.
"Mate, I never knew you to be so cruel," Sirius said to him the next day.
It was clear he and Tonks had had a D&M. "Be angry at me if you want," Lupin said testily. He'd barely slept, lying awake all night thinking about Tonks and how he'd left her heartbroken. But it was for the best. There was no future for him and maybe if he made her hate him, she'd realise that.
"I'm not angry with you. I'm rather impressed. She'll never speak to you again. At least so long as she doesn't realise what rubbish that bit about you being able to smell Weasley on her was. You know you're banking on the fact she'll be too humiliated to bring it up with anyone? 'Cos I think even Molly would set her straight if it came to it."
"I practically called her a whore," Lupin said. "She's not going to bring it up with anyone."
Sirius sat down, uninvited, on Lupin's bed. "I'm curious about one thing, though. Did she know you so little to buy that crap about you being possessive, or is she just too humiliated to question it?"
"Too humiliated, I think. Once she came to me really distressed, Charlie had found out about us and decided he had a right to kiss her. She absolutely reeked of him but all I could think about was cheering her up. If it didn't matter at the time it certainly doesn't matter years after the fact."
Sirius nodded. It made perfect sense for Lupin to push Tonks away by humiliating her and convincing her that he no longer wanted her since she had slept with another man. "And how do you feel about her?" he asked.
Lupin groaned to remember how she had looked at him. "Like I want to go over there and tell her I made it all up," he admitted.
"Then why don't you?"
"And say what, Sirius? That I know I'm too old, too poor and too dangerous, that I have absolutely nothing to offer you, but won't you please consider giving up all the luxury and prestige you've known to live with me in my shabby little apartment and wonder where the next meal is coming from?"
"Actually, Andromeda inherited half her father's – my uncle's – fortune so I don't think you'll have to worry about where the next meal is coming from," Sirius said.
"I don't want to be supported by her. And I don't want her to become a pariah for being with me. Look at Andromeda, she married beneath her – I mean, so everyone says," he corrected himself.
"Yeah, look at Andromeda. Of the three of them, Narcissa's in constant danger of Lucius being hauled off to Azkaban, and Bellatrix is rotting there. I'd say Andromeda did pretty well, marrying beneath her – so everyone says. You're putting way too much emphasis on things that don't matter, Remus. Do you think the Weasley's are unhappy in their financial situation? Or Andromeda's unhappy for – marrying beneath her?"
"That's different," Lupin insisted. "Tonks will be marrying beneath her and being poor – or at least having to support a husband who can't support himself. It's better this way."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Sometimes, mate, you can be completely full of it."