Hey guys! Thanks everyone for reading! For those of you who've hung around this long, we finally get some action! But of course what would a decent angsty L/T fic be without some imaginary obstacles of Lupin's? Stay tuned...
Chapter Sixteen
"Love, it's far too nice a day to spend indoors. I've packed a picnic, let's go into the gardens."
Tonks smiled delightedly at the thought. She was feeling pretty restless and it was a beautiful day out, and time alone with Lupin away from the prying eyes of everyone at Grimmauld Place would be lovely.
She was fully recovered now, and everyone but Lupin seemed to know about it. Actually, she may have encouraged him a little to think that she wasn't as strong as she was; she liked the way whenever she got up he was at her side, ready to offer an arm around her waist if she needed it. And she rarely declined it. The feel of his arm around her, strong and secure, felt wonderful, even if he only ever meant it in a solicitous fashion.
She met him downstairs and he went to put his arm around her waist the way he always did when they were alone together, ostensibly to support her. She didn't want him to support her; she wanted him to hold her hand. She wriggled awkwardly out of his grasp, attempting to force him to accept her hand instead of her waist, and in typical Tonks fashion, overbalanced herself and ended up on her ass on the floor.
"You OK?" Lupin asked mildly, judging from the embarrassed rather than pained expression on her face that she was fine – physically at least.
"Fine," she grunted, clamouring awkwardly to her feet with Lupin's hand. "I just don't need to be supported."
"Can I hold your hand then?" he asked hopefully. "Sorry, love, but I just don't trust you to tell me if you're feeling tired and I can feel you start to lag when you're tired."
It wasn't the reason she wanted him to want to hold her hand, but it was better than nothing, and she threaded her fingers through his. He'd always had a strong grip, and she loved the way it felt like he 'had' her when he held her hand like that.
They walked much further into the gardens then they had gone before, way beyond the spying eyes of various Order members. "I can't believe how big this place is," she said in wonder. Lupin had taken her to Hampton Court Palace – she loved muggle history almost as much as she loved muggle London – and she could swear that the grounds of Grimmauld Place were just as extensive... but to the human eye, the place was literally nonexistent, a council error which had resulted in number twelve being skipped and eleven going straight to thirteen.
"I suspect it's actually outside regulations of what could be concealed within a muggle settlement," Lupin said. "But what would a Black house be without flagrant disregard for the rules? Sorry," he added absently. Sometimes, when Tonks was being placid and obedient, he forgot that she had a temper and a will to rival her mother and aunts.
"No offense taken," she said with an impish smile that reminded him that she was perfectly capable of displaying a temper and determination to get her way.
They settled down in a shaded grassy area out of view of the house. Lupin lay out a picnic blanket and began pulling out a delicious array of food and drinks. "Dad and I used to have picnics all the time when I was younger," Tonks remembered wistfully. "Mum never understood what the point was."
"Molly didn't either," Lupin admitted. "Didn't see the point in lugging food from a perfectly good kitchen to sit on the ground, but Lily loved them so we used to go as far to the edge of Hogwarts grounds as we could get away with. It was when Severus first started getting involved with a group of Slytherins that almost all turned out to be Death Eaters, so I think she really needed someone to confide in."
"So you knew her before James did?" Tonks asked.
Lupin nodded. "Well, I suppose not technically – we were all first-years together. But I became friends with Lily first, if that's what you mean. I always had a knack for smoothing over a situation. It first started because she wanted me to get James and Sirius to lay off Severus. Like I had that kind of influence on them, but it started us being friends. Lily and I, I mean."
"You and Snape seem pretty friendly these days yourselves," she said pointedly.
"We understand each other better than we did once," he clarified. "I think there's too much bad blood there for us to ever be friends, but there's no need to behave like schoolboys with a grudge."
"And he really had a crush on Lily?" Tonks asked. Lupin nodded slightly, and Tonks made a face. "That's yuk," she said. "That's like me and Charlie... only yuckier."
"I've known you from the same age Severus knew Lily," Lupin pointed out mildly. "There's been plenty of people who thought that was – yuk."
"That's different. We loved – " Tonks hurried tacked on the d so the past tense would make her sound less hung up on him – "each other."
"And you don't give Severus any credit for loving Lily?" he asked. She shook her head resolutely. "She was the reason he changed sides, you know. He made a deal with Dumbledore to do whatever he wanted in return for keeping Lily safe. No mention of James and Harry, though," he added ruefully. "But you don't just double-cross Voldemort because you have the hots for someone."
"You sound like you really understand him," she said, a trifle grudgingly, because, like most Hogwarts students who hadn't been in Slytherin, she was loathe to part with the idea that Snape was anything but a cruel, hard taskmaster who unfairly favoured his own house to the detriment of the other three.
"I know what it's like to love someone you can't have... who everyone reckons is way out of your league. And he knows I understand. It helped thaw the ice between us."
She longed to ask him if he still loved her. If nothing else, she hated Snape for interrupting their kiss over the stupid Wolfsbane. And she knew he had been about to kiss her – if only Snape had been a few seconds late and he had kissed her. You couldn't take a kiss back, although you could pretend that an almost-kiss had never happened. But she kept quiet; scared that she might hear something she didn't want to – like maybe that Lupin was glad their almost-kiss had been interrupted.
Instead, she focused on the beautiful day. Lupin was, as always, excellent company, and Molly was an excellent cook. After they had eaten and the picnic basket was packed back up – using magic, no less – Tonks stretched out on the blanket, enjoying the natural sunlight from a rare warm day. "This was lovely," she murmured comfortable. "Thanks for getting me out of the house."
She looked so beautiful, stretched out in the sun like a particularly adorable cat, her eyes closed in relaxation as she soaked up the sunshine. Lupin felt a little uncomfortable just watching her, like he was some kind of voyeur, but the thing was, he couldn't stop. "Remus is there any chocolate left?" she asked lazily after a while.
"There is, but since you ate three-quarters of it in one go, it's mine," he said.
She took that as a challenge, bolting upright and reaching for the basket. Her quick reaction surprised him, and she had the chocolate in her hand before he could stop her. "No you don't," he said, trying to grab it out of her hands.
"Possession is nine-tenths of the law!" she squealed. It was a favourite expression of her dad's, although it didn't make much sense in the magic community, where something was either yours or it wasn't. "Ah – let go – you didn't want any before so you don't have any claim to what I had – ooof – that means at least half of what's left is mine."
He was on top of her, his hands over hers, trying to dislodge her iron grip on the chocolate. She brought her knees up against her chest and used the muscles in her legs to push him off.
He felt the power in her legs and was so surprised that he almost fell off her. "Wait a sec," he grunted.
"I'm not giving up the chocolate," she promised.
"You can keep the chocolate." He let go of her hands, bringing one hand down to her thigh and using his free hand to brace himself against the ground. "Push against me as hard as you can," he directed her. She did, and he could feel the muscles in her thigh flex and strain under his hand, all without any appearance of exhaustion. It immediately brought to mind memories of the way she would wrap her legs around his waist when he was on top of her. "I didn't realise you felt so strong," he murmured, searching her face for some kind of overexertion.
She lowered her eyes, finally caught out pretending she wasn't as strong as she was. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I know nothing's going to happen between us. I just liked the way you were always around to support me."
"You're a dopey, dopey girl, you know that?" She squirmed, turned her face away from him so he couldn't see how stupid she felt. She hated it when he referred to her as a 'girl' but she figured she deserved it this time. "And here I was, waiting for you to get stronger so I would exhaust you and make things worse."
She turned her face back to his. "What?" she asked.
"You. Are. A. Dopey girl. Here was me, figuring your folks will hate me enough for breaking my promise and going after you again that I won't make it worse by coming onto you when you're not fully recovered, and you've been acting like you're weaker then you are so – what, I'd put my arm around you? I'd have done a lot more than that if I'd known you were strong enough to take it."
She felt herself going red with embarrassment. She had made a fool of herself where if she'd just been honest – Abruptly, she got up. "Where are you going?" he asked her.
"Back to the house," she said, on the verge of tears. "And I'm capable of taking everything back by myself."
"Tonks, sit down," he instructed her. She ignored him. He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back down onto the ground. She landed with a squeal on her back. "I told you to sit down," he said. He hoisted herself on top of her and kissed her deeply, pushing his tongue insistently, possessively into her mouth, silently demanding her to kiss him back until she flung her arms around his neck and kissed him hungrily, running her fingers frantically through his hair, wanting to prove to herself that this was real, that his weight on top of her was real, that his lips and tongue and hands were real...
"Sorry," he panted after a few minutes when he pulled away to breathe. "I thought if I didn't do it something else would come along."
"All the way out here?" she asked, her eyes sparkling.
"Do you want me to stop?" he asked. She responded by grabbing his neck and pulling herself up to kiss him again. She rubbed her legs against his, and within moments they were entangled together, gyrating together in a rhythm that was both familiar and new. "Love," he whispered hoarsely after a few minutes of kissing before he pulled away from her lips and buried his face in her neck. "I've missed you so much. I'm never letting you go again." As if to demonstrate it, he slid his hands inside her shirt and dug his fingers possessively, almost painfully, into her flesh.
They couldn't get enough of each other, hands wandering over every bare bit of skin and then some. Lupin moved his mouth downwards, kissing her through her shirt, bunching her shirt up to just under her bra, running his hands and mouth over her abdomen before moving back up to kiss her on the mouth. She yanked his shirt up so their bare skin could touch. She wriggled and signed underneath him, some distant voice in her wondering how she could ever have been the least bit happy with Charlie when it was Lupin who made her feel safe, secure and insanely sexy at the same time. "Remus," she cried his name over and over as she raked her nails the length of his back. "Please tell me you're protected.'
Lupin showed remarkable restraint in slowing to a halt rather than stopping abruptly. "I'm sorry, love," he apologised. "But it's revolting and I never expected this to happy again, I haven't taken it in years and I need a full cycle." Panting, the lay on his back and pulled her into his arms so she was lying on her side with her head on his chest. "I'll take it as soon as we get back."
He could tell she was making a face. "A month?" she asked, her voice heavy with disappointment. "We have to wait a month?"
"Unless you want me to explain to your parents how I exposed you to my werewolf genes – and they will find out, love. Half the Order already thinks we're sleeping together. All of them will know if we actually are."
She choked back her disappointment. Lupin was right, but the thought of having to keep her hands off him for a whole month... "Oh, don't think like that," he whispered huskily in her ear, sensing her thoughts. "We can have plenty of fun without having sex. You know what I always wanted?"
"To spend the night with you," Tonks agreed, flinging her arm across Lupin's chest. "Molly'll pitch a fit. She's so traditional sometimes, like her kids not being exposed to immoral relationships." She giggled.
He chuckled at that. "She said something to me, I think she thought she was being discreet, that she would prefer certain unnamed persons live together openly then sneak around and make something secretive and dirty out of something that's supposed to be healthy. That or she was telling me she wanted to know straightaway if we got back together."
"And?" she asked hopefully, remembering how secretive and dirty she had felt, having to sneak around with him.
"And... I don't see any point in sneaking around. Not only do I doubt we could get anything past Molly or Alastor, but I don't want to go through that again. I love you, Tonks. I don't want to take something that feels natural and healthy and turn it into something that feels secretive and dirty."
She propped herself up on one shoulder so she could look down at him. "I can't tell you how many times I wanted to hear that," she whispered, and lowered her head to kiss him...
... "Alright everyone, pay up! I win!" Charlie's voice crowed through the dining room when Tonks and Lupin returned a few hours later looking tired and happy, holding hands, just in time for dinner. Of course, there hadn't been a day that had gone by in the past few weeks where Lupin hadn't at some point had his arm around her waist or had been holding her hand, but it was clearly different this time. They were clearly in love and not hiding it from anyone, least of all themselves.
"Excuse me? Were you betting on when we would get together?" Lupin asked incredulously.
Charlie was grinning smugly. At a Galleon for every day a person wanted to bet on, there was a fair kitty to be had. "So you are together," he crowed triumphantly. "Pay up, everyone."
There were grumbles all around as people at the table paid up their money. At that point, Molly came out of the kitchen, not looking the least bit surprised when she saw Lupin and Tonks holding hands. "Remus, Severus wants to see you in his study," she said. "Soon as you're free."
"You going to be OK dealing with this mob?" he asked softly. She nodded. She had largely grown up with 'that mob' and knew how to handle the Weasleys. "I'll come to your room if I miss dinner, OK?" he promised, and she nodded again before he headed towards the room Snape had commandeered as a study/laboratory.
"Forgetting something?" Charlie asked cheekily. Lupin stopped dead in his tracks, taking Charlie too seriously than he should have. "Aren't you going to kiss her goodbye?" Everyone at the table laughed when Lupin blushed deep red, both because it was amusing how embarrassed as private man as Lupin was at being caught out, and because he had allowed himself to be tripped up by a Weasley when by now he should have known better. "Oh, come on," he complained. "I don't technically win until we get a PDA. And you owe me," he added.
"Charlie!" Molly admonished him.
But Lupin just smiled placidly. "I'm sorry, Charlie, in what universe are you the same age as the woman I love?" he asked. But he squeezed Tonks's hand, reading her face for permission to kiss her publicly – not that he needed it, it was what she had wanted for six years. He wrapped his arm around her waist, drawing her into him, and kissed her deeply – and publicly, which was obvious enough, judging from the applause and wolf-whistles. "Happy now?" he asked Charlie.
"Very," Charlie said, mentally tallying up how much he would make out of this. A few meters between them, he and Tonks shared a look. I'm happy for you, he said silently. Thank you, she said back.
"I take it from the racket in the dining room you were demonstrating your passion for a certain Black?" Snape asked sarcastically. He always enjoyed making Lupin squirm. "I've seen first years behave with more maturity on Valentine's Day."
"What's your point?" Lupin asked crossly, thinking that he could be sitting down to dinner with his girlfriend, holding her hand, but instead, he had been sent to Snape like a schoolboy in trouble.
"When was the last time you took that potion of Lily's?" Snape asked, getting straight to the point. "OK, I'll take that to mean years if you can't actually remember," he said when Lupin struggled to recall the exact date. "Please don't tell me you had your way with that girl. Because while I personally don't care if you choose to jeopardize your own hide, we only just got this place cleaned, and I'd rather not have to scrape you off the walls when Andromeda finds out you had unprotected sex with her daughter."
"You mean grumble about the inconvenience while Molly does it," Lupin retorted good-naturedly. Something told him that Snape might actually care. "And no, we didn't. If it was anyone else but you, I'd be insulted that you'd think I'd expose her to that. But then, I understand trusting a person doesn't really come easy to you, being a retired Death Eater and all."
"You want your potion or not?" Snape asked pointedly.
"I know how to make it myself."
"You know the ingredients and the process," Snape corrected him.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't ingredients and process the key things to making a potion?" Lupin asked, doing a fair imitation of Snape when he stressed the same words.
"No, it's just the end product when a real potions master creates a new potion so the great unwashed can imitate them. What I'm talking about is how Lily came to create it in the first place."
Lupin wasn't particularly interested, but it was obvious that he was supposed to be. "OK, I'll bite," he said. "How did Lily create it?"
"I've been going through her notes. It's actually a combination of two potions. She couldn't create one potion that encompassed both human and werewolf so she made two and bound them together. What you've been making since is actually two potions and a binding. You've been taking one that stops the human DNA from procreating and one that stops the wolf side from doing it."
"So?"
"So... they can be unbound. You can keep taking the potion she first made for you, or you can just take one for the werewolf DNA, or you can take one which represses the werewolf part and amps up the human part. It's absolutely fascinating; she had actually started on the theory for that one. It's binding a contraceptive and a fertility drug together. I can't believe she had the theory down all those years ago..."
Lupin had a feeling that Snape could happily go on about the brilliance that had been Lily Evans for hours if he let him. "So what's this got to do with me?" he asked, although he was already putting it together but could scarcely believe the options that were opening up for him.
"It means you don't have to make a choice between exposing her to your werewolf DNA and not having children," Snape said impatiently. "Merlin, and I thought I was talking to an intelligent adult here. Remus?" Snape asked, peering curiously at him. "I thought you'd be over the moon – no pun intended."
Lupin smiled in a none-too-convincing way. "I am," he said. "I just – never thought I'd have that option." He and Tonks had talked about having children in theory, of course, but that was all it had ever been, theory. He had known he couldn't take the risk of bringing a child into the world that could inherit his werewolf characteristics.
Now he didn't have to take that risk. Now there were a whole range of possibilities opening up for him, and the idea petrified him. "I, um... thankyou, but I need to go... think."
"About? I've just given you a guarantee that you'll have human children, and you need to think about it?"
"Lay off," Lupin snapped, so shortly that even Snape was surprised. "Look, I appreciate your help, but I need to process this. Um, can you not tell Tonks about this?"
"Why, scared she might think it's the best possible outcome?" Snape asked snarkily. "God, you can be such a coward sometimes. No wonder you never stood up to James and Sirius. You'd rather keep your head down and hope that no-one calls you on your bullshit. You'd rather carry on feeling sorry for yourself and this half-life you reckon you have than take opportunities when you can."
"Shut your mouth."
"Make me."
The two men glared at each other like they had done so many times at Hogwarts – both as students and professors. Finally, Lupin broke the ice by walking out the door, slamming it for good measure and Apparating straight into his room so he wouldn't have to pass the dining room on his way to it.
There was a tentative knock on the door a few hours later. "Remus?" said Tonks's small voice. He hadn't returned to the dining room after his talk with Snape, nor had he come to her room like he'd said he would. She was starting to get a little worried. "Can I come in?"
There was no reply so she let herself in. Maybe he had fallen asleep; she hoped he would have, because that would explain why he hadn't come to see her. No such luck. He was sitting on his bed, going through what looked like a massive book of text or notes, scowling and scribbling through stuff as he went. "Remus?" she asked tentatively. "Are you OK?"
"Fine," he grunted. He should have known that Tonks wouldn't just go to her room. She had waited too long for him to make his move to let him wriggle out of it that easily.
"Then why didn't you come to my room like you said? I'm sorry if I made you feel like we should have sex," she blurted out. "I don't care about that. I mean, I do, but I can wait. I just want to be with you."
"It's not about sex," he grunted.
She took note of the fact he hadn't added 'love', and her heart fell. "Then what – " she started to ask.
"I'm just busy, that's all."
She put her hands on her hips. "Doing what?" she challenged.
He scowled at her, resenting how quickly she penetrated his excuses – though admittedly, they weren't so much excuses as him being rude to her while a jumble of thoughts bounced around hodge-podge in his head. "I'm beginning to understand how Sirius feels," he said cuttingly. "Just because I don't have a respectable job doesn't mean I'm not capable of contributing."
"I never said you weren't! No-one did!" Tonks said, baffled by Lupin's sudden change of heart. Was he regretting kissing her? Had what felt romantic in the garden just feel like it was trouble waiting to happen now they were back in the house and confronting by merciless ribbing?
Lupin just shrugged at that, as if he didn't believe her, and Tonks's stubborn Black pride rose to the surface. "Fine," she snapped. "Enjoy... doing whatever it is you're doing." And she turned on her heel and walked out the door with as much dignity as she could muster. All the while wanting to sob because just when she thought he had finally accepted that they loved each other, he was creating a wall between them again.
After she had left, Lupin abandoned all pretence of reading. Snape's announcement had rattled him deeply. All his life, he had known things would go a certain way – he would never have a lasting romantic relationship, he would never have children. And then Tonks had come along and done her damndest to stop him pushing her away, and just as he had started to entertain thoughts that maybe she was old enough and smart enough to know what she was getting into, along had come Snape and blasted another of his long-held ideas out of the water.
Him. A dad. The idea was so unthinkable that in a way, he had preferred it when he had known it wasn't an option. At least then he had been settled in his options.
He closed his book. No way could he do any more reading now. Part of him wanted to call Tonks back and tell her the truth and hope she agreed to accompany him on this new path that had opened up for him. Another – and for the time being, the bigger – part was terrified of anything changing after he had spent more than twenty years thinking things would be a certain way for him.
Damn Nymphadora Tonks and her love. Damn Severus Snape and his brilliant mind for potions.
Oh, love. Why can't I quit you? He asked Tonks silently.