A/N: A big thank you to the four c2s that added this story; Crack Me Up; Black Souls, Red Clouds; Interesting Naruto Fics, and Mai Faivoiraites! And another big thank you to everyone who reviewed!

And about piercing infections (I felt that it would be necessary to explain a little bit more about this, as this is a major plot element)…

If a piercing is infected and you remove whatever is keeping the hole open (like an earring), the hole will close up almost immediately and cause a lot of scar tissue, especially with cartilage piercings like Pein has. Piercing through scar tissue is difficult and painful. That's why it's recommended to try and clear infection with everything still in.

Now, without further ado, I present the next chapter of To Take Desperate Measures! Enjoy! You guys are great!

"Tobi?"

The hallway was pitch black and musty. Thick air hung over in an overpowering cloud. It was sea of muffled silence. Zetsu stumbled forward, blindly feeling his way through the darkness. His footfalls echoed, resounding in loops over the cold floor.

"Tobi?"

Down the hallway, there was a mottled door, opened slightly. Zetsu cautiously approached it, taking slow steps. He put a hand out and lightly pushed on the wood. It let out a groan, and slowly creaked open.

It was a rather small room. Dusty light trickled in through the holes in the curtains, creating bright flecks over the shadowy ground. Zetsu looked around. The moth-eaten curtains were pulled shut, their outline traced with thin lines of light. A darkened light bulb hung from the ceiling. Its smooth surface was marred with a large crack.

In the center of the dim room was a black television. Zetsu took a step inside the room and quietly closed the door behind him.

The muted television was on. It threw an eerie glow over the solitary figure sprawled across the floor. Blue shadows drifted over the body, skimming over in shifting patterns.

The white side of Zetsu's face gulped softly. "…Tobi?"

Silence.

"Tobi? Is that you?"

Zetsu cautiously took a step forward. The television's glow swam before his eyes, clouding his sight with a blue miasma. Frigid air was pressing into his shoulders, making it difficult to breathe. Zetsu bent down behind the slumped body. He was raising an arm to tap the figure's shoulder. He could feel his heart erratically pounding in his ear, his breath hoarse and ragged—

"ZETSU-SAN!"

Zetsu jumped back. He lost his footing and began stumbling backwards, arms flailing in the air. With a loud crash, he landed against the doorframe, leaving a deep fracture in the wood.

"What the hell was that?" the black half of his face growled.

"Sorry, Zetsu-san!" Tobi said cheerfully. "I guess I fell asleep watching TV again." He pointed at the TV screen, his eyes sparkling behind his mask. "Look, Zetsu-san! I'm watching a special on animals! And look at the cute little platypuses! They're so cuddly!" Tobi looked up at Zetsu, his face hopeful. "Oh, Zetsu-san! Can we go to a zoo and see a platypus?"

"Like hell."

Tobi looked down at his feet, crestfallen.

"Sorry about that," Zetsu said quickly. "Of course we can see a…platypus."

"Really?" Tobi squealed.

"Erm, sure. Later," Zetsu lied. "Look, Tobi. We have to go."

"But I wanna stay here and watch the platypuses," Tobi said, flopping on the floor. He stared intently at the glowing television screen. "I don't want to go anywhere right now."

Zetsu wildly racked his mind for a decent lie.

"But Tobi—we're going on a…field trip," he said, with a fake bright voice.

Tobi suddenly leapt up and launched himself at Zetsu. Zetsu found himself being enveloped in a bone-crushing hug.

"Get off of me before I eat your spleen."

Tobi released Zetsu, positively glowing.

"Oh, Zetsu-san!" Tobi cried. "We're going on a field trip!"

Zetsu sighed.

"There it is," the white half of Zetsu's face whispered.

Zetsu and Tobi were hidden among the rustling leaves of a large, sturdy tree. In the distance, they could see a rectangular, off-white stucco building.

"All right, listen up, Tobi," Zetsu said. "If we can complete this mission, there's a very good chance that you will be able to join Akatsuki."

Tobi's eyes went wide.

"Really?" he squealed.

"Er…okay," Zetsu lied. He pointed at the building. "That's the hospital. You will pose as a patient waiting for your annual checkup. Meanwhile, I will sneak into the examination room and hide. When the medic-nin leads you into the examination room, I will spring out and bind him. We will then move the medic-nin to a secluded location, question him about infection, wipe his memory, and leave." He looked at Tobi, who was dreamily staring into the clouds. "Are you even listening?"

Tobi snapped to attention, his posture rigid. "Yes, Zetsu-san!"

"Do you understand the plan?"

Tobi quickly nodded, his head rapidly bobbing up and down.

"Remember, Tobi. Do not let anyone know that you are from the Akatsuki. Lie if you have to. If you let anyone know that we're from the Akatsuki—"

"—I will eat your limbs for breakfast."

Tobi saluted Zetsu.

"All right, Zetsu-san!"

"Good," Zetsu said, nodding. "Now go. I will get everything prepared."

Tobi beamed behind his mask and leapt to the ground. With a cry of delight, he began jogging towards the hospital.

"Fool," the black half of Zetsu's face hissed. "How can you trust that bumbling idiot? He will ruin everything."

Zetsu let out a gusty sigh. "Sometimes, you have to make do with what you've got."

The other side of his face snorted.

Tobi found himself wandering the halls of the hospital, lost. He scratched his head. Zetsu san hadn't told him where to go.

"Excuse me, but are you lost?"

Tobi turned around. A white-clad medic-nin stood there, clutching a clipboard.

"Yes I am!" he said good-naturedly.

"Where do you want to go?" she asked. She raised her eyebrows at Tobi's bright orange mask. You have got to be kidding me, she thought. Not another one.

Tobi looked thoughtful, as he tapped his chin with one finger.

"Well, I have to get into an examination room," he said finally. "I think that's what Zetsu-san said."

"All right then," the medic-nin spoke loudly, as if Tobi was hard of hearing. "Well, we have dozens of examination rooms here. Was there one in particular…?"

"I got it!" Tobi said excitedly. "I have to pose as a patient! I have to get a check up now."

"Pose as a patient?" the woman asked slowly.

"Yup!" he said proudly. "I'm on a mission!"

"A mission?"

"Uh-huh," said Tobi. "We're going to kidnap a medic-nin and question him about piercing infections!'" Tobi's eyes grew wide and he clapped his hands over his mouth.

The medic-nin smiled. "All right, honey," she said in a sickly sweet voice. "I think I know where you have to go."

"Really?" Tobi said from behind his fingers. "You'll help me?"

"Of course, sweetie," she said. The medic-nin turned around and pulled out a two-way radio. "We've got a delusional man here. Talking crazy. Says he wants to kidnap a doctor. Get some medics down to the 200 hallway at once. He needs to be sedated."

The medic-nin turned back to face Tobi, a fake smile plastered across her face. "Okay, hun. I just called for some people to…assist you. They'll help you find what you need."

"Okay!" Tobi said happily.

She gave him a strained smile.

All of a sudden, Tobi found all of the air knocked out of him. He was on the floor, two brawny men piled over him. Tobi let out a yelp. He flailed around, trying to get free.

"Please let me go! Tobi's a good boy!"

"Calm down, son! We're only trying to help!"

"He's struggling! Quick, get the straightjacket!"

"Tobi's a good—"

"He's hysterical!"

"He needs to be put in lockdown!"

"We need back up. This man is dangerous!"

"But Tobi's a good booooy!"

Meanwhile, Zetsu was skulking around outside, trying to locate an inconspicuous entrance.

His stomach growled pitifully. He hadn't eaten for a while.

"I'm hungry. I want a snack."

"No," the white half of Zetsu's face snapped. "We can get one later. Right now, we have a mission to do."

"Tobi's probably wreaking havoc in there right now. We have some time," his other half said pleadingly. "I saw a very tasty nurse walk in."

"Later," Zetsu insisted.

Loud, clacking footsteps were approaching. Zetsu froze, looking around wildly. He then dove into a large yew bush.

Peeking from behind the foliage, Zetsu spotted a very attractive woman tottering down the road. Zetsu swallowed.

The black half of Zetsu's face smirked.

"Too bad we have a mission to do," he sighed dramatically. "She looks very flavorful. But of course, the mission always comes first…"

Zetsu clenched his fists.

"Well…" the white half of Zetsu's face said slowly, "A small snack wouldn't hurt…" He shook his head. "No! I will not be persuaded by you!" He jabbed the black half of his body with one finger. "Remember what happened last time?"

"How the hell was I supposed to know that the woman was a gardener?"

"Oh shut up. You knew. That woman and her damn hedge clippers…"

The other half of his face grinned evilly.

"Look at those nice, crunchy fingers…"

Zetsu gritted his teeth.

"I'm not listening to you!"

"Crunchy, crunch, crunch…"

"No! Stop it!"

"Just a little snack—"

"Be quiet!"

"Fine," the black half of Zetsu's face pouted. "Killjoy."

It was silent for several moments. Suddenly, Zetsu heaved a gusty sigh.

"I hate myself."

With that, he climbed out of the bushes and skulked towards the unsuspecting woman.

"Pein?"

The blue-haired woman softly tapped at the leader's bedroom door.

"Pein, are you in there?"

She heard a muffled grunt. Rolling her eyes, she called, "I'm coming in."

She flung open the door. When she saw what lay inside, the blue-haired woman let out a sigh.

"Pein, I think you need help."

Old magazines and torn newspapers were scattered all over the floor. Empty cartons of milk lay forgotten among the strewn piles of paper. A stained Akatsuki cloak was thrown over a lampshade. The television was flipped to an infomercial channel, volume low. Pein sat slumped in a dusty armchair. His arms were hanging over the sides. His hair was rumpled and his face looked more swollen than before, metal slightly protruding from the puffiness.

Pein let out another grunt. He pointed the remote at the television, raising the volume.

The blue-haired woman quickly strode over to Pein and snatched the remote. With a flick of her wrist, she turned off the TV.

"You can't waste your time with such nonsense, Pein," she said coldly. "You are the leader of a criminal organization. It's undignified for you to mope around like this." She gestured at the messy room. She looked at him. "What's gotten into you? This isn't like you, Pein."

Pein noisily let out his breath.

"Blue," he said, using her nickname, "I'm ruined." He heaved himself out of his chair, facing her. "Look at me."

Her expression softened. Pein looked miserable. He slightly resembled a balloon animal. A balloon with very spiky hair.

"Your face will get better," she said softly. "And then…you'll have that evil appearance that you sought." She looked at him with heavily lidded eyes. "This will all work out in the end."

Pein closed his eyes and sat down again.

"I hope you're right."

The blue-haired woman glanced at the clock. "I'll go get a washcloth. It's time to clean your piercings."

Pein felt her touch his arm softly before leaving the room.

He smiled slightly, then let out a small cry as pain shot through his face.

Tobi lay on an uncomfortable bed with bright white linen, a tight straightjacket wrapped around his body. He felt like crying. What did he do to deserve this?

His limbs ached from both the tightness of the straightjacket and his run-in with the two burly medic-nins. Tobi whimpered. He hoped that Zetsu-san was okay.

Tobi suddenly burst into tears. He couldn't help it.

"Oh, shut up, kid."

Tobi wildly looked around. He saw a pair of beady eyes looking at him from behind a curtain that separated the room in two.

"Wh-what?"

"You heard me. Some people have it worse than you."

The curtain was flung to the side. A gruff looking man with long, white hair sat on a bed identical to Tobi's. He wore a sickly green hospital gown and a frown upon their face.

"I can't believe that those Touzoku bastards kicked me out for 'disturbing the peace.' They said I had an 'unhealthy obsession,'" the man grumbled, "Apparently I need help. So they sent me here to see a psychiatrist." He sighed, leaning back into his pillow. "They just don't respect my research. You ask for strip poker once and they condemn you for life…"

Tobi stared at the man, his head tilted to the side.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"I suppose I do need a little bit of help for my problem—huh? You want to know my name?" the man looked surprised. "I'm Jiraiya."

"I'm Tobi!" Tobi announced happily. "Tobi's a good boy!"

"A good boy, huh?" Jiraiya smiled faintly. "Why are you in a straightjacket?"

"I don't know!" Tobi's lower lip began to tremble. "Tobi's not a bad boy! Tobi didn't do anything wrong!"

"Oh, I don't know about that, kid," Jiraiya said matter-of-factly. "When they dragged you in here, I overheard a pretty nurse saying that you're a homicidal maniac who claims that he wants to massacre all the medic-nins."

"Massacre? Oh no, not Tobi!" Tobi said hastily. "That's Itachi-san's job!"

Jiraiya's eyes went wide.

"Uchiha Itachi?" he asked, his voice rising. "Of the Akatsuki?"

"N-no," Tobi squeaked, remembering Zetsu's words. Lie if you have to. "Itachi of the…of the…we're in a band together!"

"A band," Jiraiya repeated.

"Yes!" Tobi said frantically. "Itachi-san plays the…maracas!"

"Maracas?" Jiraiya shook his head. "Kids these days…"

Tobi felt terrible. He never lied. Tobi's a bad boy, a sinister voice whispered in his head. Liar, liar pants on fire…

"No! Tobi is a good—"

Tobi felt himself spiraling downward into a black abyss, menacing voices taunting him and following him into the darkness. He squeezed his eyes shut, clamping his hands over his ears.

Tobi had prided himself for being a good boy. He felt that it was his greatest accomplishment. At the end of the day, he could go to bed knowing that he had brightened everyone's lives with his enjoyable demeanor.

But now…

All of that had been thrown away.

With a single lie.

Tobi curled into a ball, his palms tightly pressed against the sides of his heads. But the voices wouldn't stop.

Tobi's a bad boy.

A bad boy.

A lying, stinky, lying bad boy…

"NOOOOOO!"

Tobi began to wail. "Tobi's a bad boy!" He began to bang his head against the wall. "A baaaad boy!"

Jiraiya had a look of horror upon his face. "Take it easy, kid!"

"Tobi's a baaaaad boy!"

"Nurse! Anyone! SOMEONE GET IN HERE!"

"The maracas! Tobi LIED!"

An attractive young medic-nin rushed in, clutching her clipboard.

"Oh my goodness!" she cried. Tobi crumpled to the floor, wailing.

"Tobi's a failure, oh Tobi's a failure…"

Jiraiya eyed her up and down.

"Oh my goodness, indeed," he said, waggling his eyebrows. "Hey bay-bay!"

The nurse turned around and glared at him. Tobi was screeching in the background, wailing something about nonexistent maracas.

"You have a problem," she said disdainfully.

"So I've been told," Jiraiya sighed. He looked at the ceiling. Damn strip poker…

Meanwhile, Zetsu was making his way towards the tasty-looking woman as she continued her walk towards the hospital entrance. He could feel himself drooling. Zetsu skulked behind her, unnoticed. He leapt from bush to bush, blending in perfectly.

Have to act fast, Zetsu thought to himself. She was almost to the door.

The woman suddenly saw a large plant thing appear from the hedges.

"Hello," the plant thing said pleasantly. He had a very abnormal growth surrounding his head. "You look very…tasteful today."

"Oh my god!" the woman shrieked. She ran up to Zetsu and began examining his leafy growth. "What happened to you?!"

Zetsu blinked.

"What are you talking about, woman?"

"We need to act quickly!" she shouted. "Come with me; we need to get you in the emergency room right now!"

All of a sudden, a rather lanky medic-nin came running out of the hospital.

"Ayumi!" he shouted. "Where have you been? Get in here right now! You have a patient who has been waiting for two hours!"

"Shut up! This man needs medical attention!" Ayumi bellowed. She gestured at Zetsu, who was standing there with a confused look on his face.

"Good god," the man said, horrified. "This man is terribly disfigured!"

"No, I'm not," protested Zetsu.

"Denial," Ayumi stated, shaking her head. "First of the seven stages of grief."

"I am not grieving."

"Yes you are," the lanky man declared. "Let's get him inside. We might be able to surgically remove the foreign object from his head."

"Get your hands off of me, cretin. Nobody's removing anything from my head."

"He's hysterical!" the woman cried.

Zetsu rolled his eyes. He tensed his muscles, preparing to escape, when the man began to speak.

"He definitely needs medical attention," the male medic-nin said solemnly, latching on to Zetsu's arm. "His case of hysteria is even worse than that young man with the orange mask…we had to put him in a straightjacket and sedate him…"

Zetsu's eyes went wide.

Tobi.

Zetsu inwardly cursed himself for entrusting such a large mission to Tobi. He closed his eyes, thinking quickly. He had to get Tobi out. But first, he had to get inside.

Zetsu let the two medic-nins drag him towards the hospital.

"This is all your fault," he muttered to himself.

"You wish, big boy."

As soon as Zetsu reached the foyer, he wrenched his arms free and disappeared into the ground.

"What the--"

"The patient's escaping!"

The male medic-nin pulled out a two-way radio. "We have a terribly disfigured plant-man loose in the hospital! What are you talking about?! No, I'm not on crack! I swear, there is a plant-man…thing running ramped through the hospital!"

"All right, everyone! Let's breathe in sloooowly now!"

Pregnant women sat in rows, taking deep breaths. A female medic-nin sat in the front of the room, dramatically gulping in air.

"Good, good! Now, we—"

"TOBI'S A BAD BOY!"

Gasps resounded all over the room. A man wearing a swirly orange mask and a straightjacket stood in the doorway, breathing heavily.

"It's a man!"

"What is a man doing in our Lamaze class?"

"GET HIM!"

Tobi soon found himself surrounded by hordes of screeching, pregnant women.

Author's Note: Reviews would be very appreciated! Hope you liked part one of Tobi and Zetsu's adventure!