Chapter 18

"You are starting to scare me, Merlin", Gwaine said.

"Fear. Good. Let's start with that. Last year, after you found out, I took a swing at you because you wouldn't talk to me, and you cringed." Merlin was going to let it all out. What did he have to lose? "That really hurt my feelings."

"I was only acting on an instinct, for heaven's sake. I didn't know – and for the record, I still don't-, what you are capable of."

"I would never hurt you. At least not physically", Merlin muttered. "This is good. Let's let it all out."

"Alright. I think it is really hurtful that you broke things off with me a year ago, supposedly for my benefit, I come back and suddenly, after all this time, you say you want to be with me after all. Decide whether you want me or not and stick with it."

"I always wanted to be with you. I just concluded that you weren't happy. And you - we weren't. We were both so scared of losing each other that we ended up driving each other away. Ironic, isn't it?"

"You smell of alcohol, but your speech is normal. What's your secret?"

"I lied. I only drank two tankards. I'm terrified right now."

"Figures."

"So, what else?"

Gwaine sighed. "I don't understand how I would get in the way of your destiny. You're a sorcerer, you protect Arthur, I'm his knight, I protect him. How is that different?"

Merlin was silent for a moment. "Well, when you put it like that.."

Gwaine shook his head. "So, what was the jealousy issue?"

"I was always afraid of you leaving me. When Oliver first showed up, I was sure you were spending your nights with him or more precisely her, now that we know.." Merlin's voice trailed off and Gwaine nodded.

"I told you there was nothing to worry about. Repeatedly."

"I know. I couldn't help it. I still can't. When you told me about that friend of yours, I just wanted to punch something."

Gwaine sighed again. "I lied, you tool."

Merlin turned to look at him. "What?"

"I thought you genuinely wanted me to have found someone, so I said that to make things more comfortable between us."

"So you didn't.." Merlin couldn't help but smile.

Gwaine didn't seem as happy as he did. "Merlin, I had every right to. You used me like a puppet in your game and then threw me away. So even though I didn't, I could have. And I still can."

Merlin didn't understand what he was talking about, but figured it was important as this wasn't the first time the man had mentioned the same subject. "Game?"

"I kiss you. You tell me we should sleep on it. A while later, we make out, and you start yelling at me. We then decide to break it off, nice and simple. When I find a friend, Oliver, you get jealous and kiss me. I get drunk with Oliver, you get mad at me. I find out you can use magic, you break things off with me. This is your game. I just love you- and you, you set the rules. But I just can't bear to play anymore. It hurts too much." Gwaine looked away, because if he hadn't, he would've cried again.

"Do you think I don't care for you at all?" Merlin asked. He was absolutely horrified with Gwaine's view on their relationship.

Gwaine stayed silent. Merlin sat next to him. He raised his hands to the man's cheeks so the man would face him. "You're wrong", he said and kissed the man tentatively. "You're wrong", he repeated and kissed Gwaine again. The man struggled at first, but then let the kiss deepen. His arms found their way on Merlin's body. Their lips finally parted and Merlin moaned as Gwaine buried his head behind his neck.

Suddenly Gwaine let go of him. "Stop." He got up to stand, distancing himself from Merlin on purpose.

"Gwaine, I don't know what you think I'm doing, but I'm not playing a game with you", Merlin pleaded with him, to make the man see reason.

"I don't trust myself with you. It's as if I am under your spell or something." Gwaine realized what he had just said and gave a melancholic laugh. "This scares me. I would do anything you ask."

"Then get back here and kiss me again."

Gwaine turned back to look at him. "Once I start, there's no going back. For either of us."

Merlin nodded. "I'm ready." He started opening his shirt and Gwaine watched him, unable to tear his eyes off the young warlock. Finally he grew impatient and pushed Merlin against the wall. He looked feverish to Merlin as he began kissing him. He then started undressing him relatively quickly considering he was also undressing himself and kissing Merlin at the same time.

Once they were both naked, they briefly observed the large room to decide where to go. In the end Gwaine took him right there on the floor. Merlin cried out in pain but Gwaine reached down to touch him in a way that caused such pleasure that it more than equaled the pain. It was still there, however, and Merlin was almost glad when it was finally over. Almost. When his passion had been spent, Gwaine collapsed on the floor and relaxed his head on Merlin's shoulder. "I love you", he muttered. Then he fell asleep.

Merlin listened to his breathing for a while. He smiled. Even asleep, Gwaine held his other hand possessively on Merlin's butt cheek, as if to signal mine. Merlin pondered. Would he have guessed, upon meeting Gwaine for the first time, that the man would one day become his first? He reached to pull Gwaine's cape on top of them. He then nuzzled against Gwaine's body and fell asleep as well.

The next morning Gwaine awoke first. He quickly remembered where he was and more importantly, with whom. He looked at the boy lying next to him. I think I will forever be a victim to your charm. He knew that, despite this brief moment of happiness, the boy would sooner or later cut him into his heart once again, this time even more deeply than before, but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was lie there with the boy.

Suddenly the door flew open and Gwaine grabbed his sword to defend himself and Merlin against whoever it was. Merlin awoke because of the sounds and saw Lancelot staring at them with his mouth open.

Lancelot quickly recovered and looked away. He raised his hand to further cover his eyes. "Put your sword away, Gwaine. Both of them."

Gwaine smirked and started dressing himself while Lancelot closed the door.

Lancelot spoke to them as Merlin started dressing himself as well. "So, you two.. I did not know that." He paused. "I mean, I knew about you, I just didn't know you did..this. I mean I always figured Merlin was a vir-I mean, so I just assumed.."

"I was", Merlin gave him a very unsure smile and blushed. He felt embarrassed, but also partly proud of what he/they had done. Gwaine handed him his pants and he thankfully accepted them as an excuse to cover his face. He slowly put them on.

Lancelot was starting to reach his limit. He was clearly wondering why God had chosen to subject him to this particular afternoon. "Why are you here?" Gwaine asked him. As much as he enjoyed teasing Lancelot about his uptight attitude, this would have been going a little too far.

"Arthur's orders: us more experienced knights should also participate in training the young men who will become knights. It's your turn to help out Oliver."

Lancelot lead them to the area where Oliver handled the basic training for those wanting to become knights.

As they approached her, Oliver waved at them. "Good morning, or should I say good afternoon at this hour. What have you been up to?"

Lancelot shot her a look of warning and Oliver changed the subject. "Aren't they doing marvelously? Actually, forget that. I'll be back", she said before hurrying up to one of the men. "William, anyone within a two mile radius can see that attack coming. You need to figure out a way to conseal your attack so your opponent can't block it as easily. Here, let me show you." She gave the man a quick demonstration of some distraction techniques and told him to practise them. She returned to the trio. "So, Gwaine, ready for your big debut as a teacher?"

Gwaine grunted and went to some of the men further away. He started fighting with one of them, quickly disarming the other man.

Lancelot turned to Oliver. "I think you are spending too much time here. You're never with us at home. Gal misses you."

Oliver smiled. "If you were actually in love with me and not Gwen, I might have more incentive to spend time with you."

Lancelot frowned. He then sighed. He hadn't come to pick a fight with her. "Do you love me, then?"

"That doesn't matter."

"Sure it does. If you love me, I'll love you."

Oliver punched him. He fell to the ground. "Don't joke around."

"You are getting better. You couldn't hit me before." Lancelot smiled widely, despite the blood that was coming from his lower lip.

"Only because I didn't really want to", Oliver told him and left for the training fields, where William was doing Oliver's routines horribly wrong. "William, at least hold the sword right!"

Gwaine came to help Lancelot up. "What was that about?" he asked.

"Lancelot just hit on his wife unsuccessfully for the first of many times to come", Merlin told him.

"Finally decided to give up on Gwen, then?" Gwaine asked and patted Lancelot on his back.

"Something Oliver said just struck a chord with me. I'm willing to try." Lancelot looked at Oliver who was instructing William's teammates to help him. "Though I might invest in some body armor for the next time around."

At the end of the day, Oliver and Arthur's trainés left and Arthur went with them, giving Merlin a rare day off. Lancelot came to see Oliver as she was about to leave.

"Seriously, you are doing quite well. Even though.." He added the last part as if he had already moved on to think about something else.

Oliver, however, caught it nonetheless. "Even though..what?"

"That you still couldn't beat me."

Oliver blinked. She threw him one of the swords. "You take that back."

"You're on your own, buddy", Gwaine shook his head and he and Merlin turned to leave. As they walked further away, Gwaine turned to see Oliver and Lancelot fighting each other with swords. "They are hopeless."

"So are we." Merlin smiled at him. "I love you."

Gwaine raised his eyebrows. "You do?" He had waited for more than a year to hear Merlin utter those beautiful words to him. His terrified, broken heart felt as if it could be mended at that very moment.

"Yes. Very much."

"And you're not just going to leave me again in two days' time, are you?"

"Try and make me." Merlin wrapped his arms around Gwaine and pulled him close. "And you? Do you still love me in spite of everything?"

"Nuh, I think we should see other people", Gwaine joked and ran so Merlin wouldn't catch him. Eventually he did, however, and they collapsed to the ground. They knew they still had issues to work through, but for the time being, those problems could wait.