Author's Note: A gigantic, massive thank you to everyone who reviewed! Your feedback really keeps me writing, honestly. ((flings love)) Thank you so much!

Hidan and Kakuzu's adventure, part two. Can you believe that there's only one more chapter after this?

Disclaimer: Naruto still belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

The jail cell was dark and musty; cobwebs dusted the floor and ceiling like birthday streamers at some sort of macabre party. However, this was no celebration for the two captives inside. After Hidan had violated the Kazekage's special sandbox, and after the two faux-diplomats had caused a declaration of war between Iwagakure and Sunagakure, Gaara had ordered the two of them to be kept as prisoners of war.

Kakuzu was not pleased. "I can't believe you started a war," he snorted. "Nice job, Hidan."

"Shut the fuck up," Hidan retorted. He was slumped in a corner, playing with his rosary. "It's not my fault the Kazekage has a stick up his ass."

"No," replied Kakuzu, "but it's your fault we're stuck here. Now I can't collect my money, you bastard."

"Forget about your goddamn money, would you?" Hidan sneered, closing a fist around the rosary's chain. "Seriously, I'm surprised Jashin-sama hasn't gone medieval on your ass already. Greed's one of the fucking seven sins. Seven sins."

"Please do everyone a favor," Kakuzu glared at his partner, "and shut up."

Hidan's jaw muscles were jumping. "Heathenbastard…" he breathed.

The door beyond the jail cell's bars suddenly swung open. The two missing-nin turned their heads to see.

"Hello?"

The blonde woman, Temari, tentatively entered the room, pushing the door shut behind her. "Are you guys down here?"

"Hey, blondie," Hidan called. "Here to join the party?"

Temari snorted. "I don't think starting a war is something to celebrate." She crossed her arms. "No, I'm here to ask you bastards a few questions."

"Shoot," responded Hidan, grinning.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"First off," Temari began, pacing back and forth, "we found two diplomats outside the village wall, claiming to be the real Iwagakure diplomats." She stopped. Her voice grew steely. "How do you explain that?"

Hidan opened his mouth to speak, but Kakuzu quickly stopped him with his hand.

"I'll explain," Kakuzu said solemnly. Hidan gave him an odd look.

Temari leaned forward, intent.

"We," said Kakuzu slowly, "were attacked by those men."

Hidan's eyebrows shot up.

"You see, we're monks. We're…" Kakuzu winced. "…Jashinists."

His partner almost burst out laughing. Temari looked unconvinced.

"We were on our way to Sunagakure to rest before continuing our journey to Amegakure," continued Kakuzu, "where we were going to reunite with the rest of our monastery. But—" Kakuzu grimaced. "—as we approached Suna, these two Iwagakure diplomats attacked us, demanding our valuables. So we had to defend ourselves."

"And why were their clothes missing?" Temari arched an eyebrow.

"It's a Jashinist tradition to take one's clothes upon victory," Kakuzu lied. Hidan was turning purple from all his pent-up laughter. "So anyway, we took their clothing. We approached the gates to the village and to our surprise, we were mistaken for diplomats."

He cleared his throat. "We were told that the Kazekage was expecting us, and that we had to go to the council building as quickly as possible. And we wound up in the lobby, lost, until you arrived and told us you would lead us to the Kazekage."

Temari narrowed her eyes. Strangely, his story was making sense. Was this really the truth?

"It was our initial intent to tell the Kazekage that this was just a big misunderstanding," Kakuzu shot Hidan a dirty look, "but…er, Rei, my associate, got curious and decided to touch the Kazekage's sandbox." He continued to glare at his associate. "He's not yet fully recognized as a monk. He still has to…cleanse himself from sin."

Hidan was dying in the corner, torn between laughing out loud and wringing Kakuzu's neck.

"So this is all a misunderstanding," concluded Kakuzu. "And if you would let us go…"

Temari looked grim. "I can't. Gaara just…ordered the execution of the two imposters."

Konan made her way down the aisle, searching the shelves for a glue stick. Her plastic shopping basket painfully bumped into her hip.

"May I help you, ma'am?"

She turned around. A short, stocky man wearing both a nametag and a jolly smile waved at her. Konan narrowed her eyes.

"Hello! Do you need help finding anything?"

Konan gave him a sour look. "Why doesn't your store carry glue sticks?"

"Well…" the man tried to smile wider. This customer obviously needed her day to be brightened. "…You're in the wrong aisle, ma'am. This is where we sell medicine and other medical items." His facial muscles were twitching sporadically. "I can show you to the school supplies aisle, where we keep the glue sticks."

Konan nodded slightly. She began to follow the jaunty man out of the aisle, when a certain label caught her eye.

"Wait," Konan said suddenly, as she reached up for the bottle.

"What the fuck?!" Hidan exploded. He was furious. "That bastard!"

Kakuzu looked slightly concerned. There was one slight issue preventing the execution from taking place…

He gave Hidan a nod. The pious immortal withdrew a hidden knife from his sleeve. Temari's eyes went wide.

Hidan sighed. "Hate to break it to you, blondie, but there's a little problem with that plan." And with that, he thrust the knife straight into his heart.

Temari could not hold back a gasp as she watched his body fall limp. He just killed himself!

A moment passed. Then two.

"Damn," the corpse suddenly remarked. Crimson blood was spilled over his chest. "That really hurts, seriously."

"What—" Temari turned from the suddenly moving Hidan to Kakuzu, who was watching his associate disdainfully.

"Jashinists…are immortal," Kakuzu explained. He rolled his eyes at Hidan, who was swearing loudly. "Shut up."

Hidan pulled out the knife with a sickening suction noise. Grinning, he held up the stained knife. Temari wrinkled her eyebrows.

"Let me get this straight," Temari said calmly. "You're both immortal. And both of you are two lost monks who just ended up in the council building by mistake?" A scraping sound beyond the door made her turn her head; for a brief second, she looked concerned, then relaxed again.

Hidan and Kakuzu nodded enthusiastically.

"I say," Temari gave them a cheerful smile, "that I don't believe a word of your story."

The two prisoners gaped at her.

"I think you two just wanted to try to get to the Kazekage so you could assassinate him." Temari's voice was cold. "That was your plan all along, wasn't it?"

Her voice lowered. "You'll be called in an hour."

She turned around and headed for the door.

"But what will they do when they try and execute us, and can't?" Kakuzu shouted after her.

"Try again," Temari called over her shoulder. "And again and again…"

The heavy door clicked shut behind her.

"Bitch," breathed Hidan. There was admiration in his voice.

Kakuzu heaved an exasperated sigh.

The two prisoners were being led into a tiny, cinderblock room. Sand sloshed over their feet as they entered; Gaara had ordered the contents of his special sandbox to be emptied on the floor.

"Welcome," the Kazekage hissed as Kakuzu and Hidan were brought in. His mouth was contorted into a maniacal grin; his face was alight with bloodthirsty intent. Temari, who was leading the imposters, noticed her brother's expression and sighed. All of that therapy had gone to waste. Her brother had finally cracked.

"Notice the floor, gentlemen?" Gaara gestured at the ground. "This is the sand you violated!"

Temari vaguely wondered what Kankuro was feeding him. Perhaps there was something in his food?

"Now, Temari," her younger brother said quietly, "please…?"

She produced a kunai from her weapons pouch. The two prisoners, their wrists chained together, were lined up against the wall. Kakuzu shifted uncomfortably. He was first.

"For the love of Jashin," Hidan complained, "this is chafing my fucking wrists. Get on with it already, seriously."

Gaara nodded, leering at the offenders.

Gripping the weapon tightly in her fist, Temari plunged the weapon into Kakuzu's chest.

Half an Hour Earlier

A few minutes later, the door opened once more. Hidan and Kakuzu looked over in its direction.

It was Temari.

"Hey," Hidan grinned, "back to fuck us over some more?"

"Look," said Temari, walking over to their cell, "I'm sorry for earlier."

"What's with the change of heart, blondie?" asked Hidan. "Warming up to us?"

Temari snorted. "Right. More like earlier was an entire act, because Gaara was listening from the other side of the door. I saw Rei's rosary; your story checks out."

Hidan looked crestfallen. "Seriously?"

"So is there really an order for our execution?" Kakuzu asked, shooting Hidan an annoyed glare.

"Unfortunately, yes," the kunoichi replied, leaning against a wall. "But if you guys are really immortal like you say, then I have a plan."

Her lips were twisted in a devilish smile.

"Either of you been in a school play?"

Present

A gurgling noise escaped Kakuzu's lips as he collapsed on the floor, dragging down Hidan with his weight. Kakuzu's body twitched once and he was still, the kunai protruding from his chest.

Good actor, Temari thought to herself.

She advanced towards Hidan, who was hunched over due to Kakuzu's pull on the shackles. He was scowling.

Temari extracted another kunai from the pouch. She brought back her arm and lunged forward, driving the metal deep into Hidan's chest. She inwardly winced. Too much force.

Apparently, Hidan agreed with her. He staggered about, dragging Kakuzu's body across the sandy floor. Hidan let out an anguished howl and flopped on the ground, writhing in agony.

Temari had to roll her eyes. Overdramatic.

Gaara let out his breath beside her.

"That's better," her younger brother said calmly. He turned to her. "Where would you like to go to lunch, Temari?"

A sudden gurgling caused the two siblings to direct their attention to the floor, where Hidan was thrashing around.

"Am I fucking dead?" he wailed, clawing at his chest. After a moment, he stilled. Temari cautiously took a step forward.

"Goddamn it, am I fled?" The corpse unexpectedly shot up, causing both siblings to jump.

He immediately collapsed again. Gaara began to make his way to the door when Hidan suddenly clamped on to his ankle. If the Kazekage had eyebrows, he would have raised them.

"My soul," Hidan reached for the ceiling with his other hand, "is in the sky!"

For a second time, he was quiet; his face was completely peaceful. Temari exchanged a bemused glance with Gaara.

Hidan suddenly opened his eyes and yanked out the kunai from his torso.

"Now die!" he bellowed, plunging it into his heart again. "Die! Die! Die!"

He sagged into the sand, motionless. Gaara leaned in, curiously tilting his head.

"DIE!" roared Hidan, shaking uncontrollably. The Kazekage shrank back.

Hidan was gazing towards the heavens, his face heavy with emotion. Thick, pearly tears dropped down his cheeks.

"Die," he said in a dramatic whisper.

And with that, Hidan's body sank back down. Unmoving.

Gaara and Temari stared at his lifeless body for a few minutes.

"Is he dead yet?" the Kazekage asked finally.

Temari looked askance at him.

"I hope," she managed, kicking his body over.

"That was terrible," Temari said, shaking her head. She was wheeling out the "dead" bodies on a tarp-covered cart. "You're probably the worst actor I've ever seen. Kakuzu, on the other hand, actually pulled it off. But you…"

"You're just saying that because you're jealous," came Hidan's muffled answer from under the tarp. "Seriously, that deserved a fucking award."

Kakuzu let out an irritable sigh.

"Why couldn't you have killed me for real?" he muttered. He was still sour because he hadn't been able to collect his money.

Temari held up one hand to shield her eyes from the sun. "I'll wheel you guys out to the forest on the border of Sunagakure. You can escape to your monastery."

"Hey, thanks, blondie," Hidan said. "You're actually pretty nice for a bitch."

Temari raised an eyebrow. "Thanks."

Author's Note: Hidan's dying scene was based the Pyramus death scene in A Midsummer Night's Dream—the play within a play. Hopefully you got that; I just couldn't resist putting that in. XD

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