This is my favorite text message conversation... ever.
***** Text Message Conversation, About 7:15 PM *****
Jane: Hey, M, I think I found a saddle for your turtle. It's big enough that Joe could ride him. It would be awesome! Think about it. We could take pictures. People would love it.
Maura: Jane, Bass is not a pony.
Jane: Big enough to be. Come on! The girls would love it. Admit it... it's a cute mental picture.
Maura: Perhaps in an illustrated children's story book, but not in Bass's real life.
Jane: It's not like he would even care. He wouldn't even feel it!
Maura: Bass is not a toy, Jane, just as you are not a runway model, even though you could be.
Jane: You're not starting that again, are you? Just because that woman who looks like me modeled, that doesn't mean I'm going to. It's bad enough Korsak and Frost had wallpapers with her in some silver swimsuit thing without it actually being me. I really hated that.
Maura: I'm not suggesting you should model, Jane, only that you are not the Plain Jane you believe yourself to be, nor the unlovely creature that you'd rather we all pretend you to be.
Jane: *sigh* Can we not go there, please? I get this enough from Ma without it coming from you, too. Let's get back to the important stuff here. Bass needs this saddle. Joe needs to ride the turtle. I'm telling you, it will be great!
Maura: The way you feel about modeling is the way I feel about my tortoise being used as a plaything. No. If you truly hate being told you're beautiful, I'll try to stop saying it.
Jane: You can't see me, but I just rolled my eyes at you. Don't you think your turtle deserves to have some fun? Wait, you think I'm... Whatever you do, don't say that in front of Ma. She'll try to hook us up.
Maura: Of course I do. That's why he has a biweekly play date in the park with other tortoises. And your mother is sweet. She really is active in showing her love for you.
Jane: Your turtle has play dates? What do they do, stare blankly at each other? ...Ma just wants grandkids. At this point she wouldn't care if I married you or Joe Friday, so long as we decided to have a family.
Maura: TORTOISE. Bass likes to eat berries, stamp to demonstrate his dominance, flirt with females, and sit among members of his own species. And if you'd like to tell me something I can't mistake for anything else, Jane, let's have dinner at your place tonight. You cook or order in, and I'll clean up.
Jane: Fine, tortoise. And how do you know he's flirting? What, he winks and makes kissy faces?
Maura: He makes masculine sounds around them, and sometimes they attempt mating behaviors together.
Jane: You know I'm watching NCIS tonight, right? You can come over, but I'm ordering pizza.
Maura: I'll be there, and yes, Bass has several excellent prospects. He is very attractive among his kind.
Jane: Did not need to know about your turtle's sex life.
Maura: You asked.
Jane: I was being sarcastic.
Maura: I find it even harder to perceive nonverbal cues in the strictly verbal medium of the written word than when in direct physical proximity to my conversational partner.
Jane: I know, my bad. See you around 7:30? Show starts at 8. Are you staying or going home tonight?
Maura: Let's decide when you've said what's on your mind.
Jane: Nothing! I was just saying that Ma is desperate, that's all. Why you gotta complicate things?
Maura: Again, I believe you began this avenue of discussion.
Jane: I was trying to get you to let me get the saddle for Bass. Let's focus here. BASS + SADDLE + JOE = INSTANT CUTE
Maura: When a lady says no, she means no. If you're so enthused about inappropriate equine accoutrements, I suggest YOU wear a saddle. It won't look any more ridiculous than Bass wearing one.
Jane: I've seen some people wearing... Never mind. My point is you don't know if he'll like it until he tries it. Isn't that what you keep telling me about stuff?
Maura: Oh, and I suppose I'll be expected to put on dressage attire? Or would you prefer Western riding style to British - maybe cowboy boots, hat, and chaps? (This, Jane, is sarcasm.)
Jane: What? You're not riding Bass, Joe is! But now that you mention it, that would be cute to put her in a little cowboy hat or something.
Maura: I meant for you, since you'll be the one in the saddle, NOT MY TORTOISE.
Jane: Hold up a minute. We got some wires crossed. Just calm down and hear me out. We put the saddle on Bass, then we put Joe Friday in the saddle, and cuteness happens. You and I aren't riding anyone.
Maura: I think Joe and Bass would look just as silly in that sort of thing as we would.
Jane: WE would look like the start of a really bad porno. THEY would look cute.
Maura: No, we would look and feel uncomfortable and unnatural, and so would they.
Jane: You know, you're a real killjoy. I'm just trying to bring some fun into their mundane little lives. But fine, whatever, if you want to keep them from having a little fun, far be it for me to stop you.
Maura: Thank you. But I did get Joe a little Red Sox coat for her walks in winter.
Jane: True, and she loves it. You know, I still think Bass likes the Sox batting helmet I got him.
Maura: I've begun to think you're correct. His head bobs up and down more when he wears it.
Jane: It's cute. Maybe we should take a pic with them in their Sox gear together?
Maura: I think it would be nice. We could make it our Christmas card photograph.
Jane: Christmas is over, Maura.
Maura: This year's, but I anticipate that another one will come in about 11 months' time.
Jane: Nah, that's too... Um, yeah, no. I just wanted to make a cute pic to send to the girls on Twitter.
Maura: You... don't want to have joint holiday cards?
Jane: That's a little more settled than I want to be. Anyway, you know I don't send out Christmas cards.
Maura: Of course. I understand, Jane. Do you still want to watch NCIS together, or is that also too settled?
Jane: I can't help but think I'm missing something here... but yeah, come over. I already ordered the pizza.
Maura: I'll be right in.
Jane: MAURA! You were texting while driving?
Maura: You know I would never do that. I was just... already here.