Chapter 4

So mummy's boy has gone back to the bosom of his dysfunctional, twisted, bigoted family. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. At least it has provided some form of closure for Christian; he now knows exactly where he stands, accepts it is all over and is starting to rebuild his life.

He and Jane seem to have patched up their differences. She and I talked when we were up at the hospital visiting Christian. She's normally quite off hand with me, we don't have much in common, well we don't have anything in common apart from we both love Christian. When she found out it was Masood who left him lying in the street she let her guard down though. She doesn't really get the thing with Syed either, she said Syed finished it with him before Christmas, that was why he disappeared off to Barcelona so suddenly. She knew it had hit him hard when Syed chose Amira, but thought after the wedding he had accepted it and moved on, she doesn't know when it started up again, and she assumes Christian just wouldn't let it go. She blames Christian, I blame Syed.

The truth – well I guess only the two of them know that, and Christian has started to shut down about it again, if either of us bring up the subject he changes it. He is trying to make a clean break though, selling his shares in Massala Queen is good and starting his personal trainer business is a great idea, with his charm and body he will soon start pulling in the punters. I will miss him in the Vic but at least I am starting to see my best friend slowly emerge again.

We had a night out in Vauxhall and he bounced back to his best party animal self, well almost – he drank, he talked, he flirted, he danced, he was great company, he was attentive, but ... he turned down every offer going (and he wasn't short of them) and he went home alone. Although that cheeky smile was plastered all over his face, it never reached his eyes. He is still hurting, and I don't know what to do other than to pretend with him that everything is back to normal.

He carries that pretence of normality back to the square with him; he holds his head up high, involves himself in the community, ignores the gossips and even manages to keep a civil tongue in his head when Zainab spits her venom at him. Even more impressive he manages to look Syed in the eye and talk to him like he was a human being instead of the spineless invertebrate that he is.

I wish I had his level of control, but I'm cut from the same cloth as Zainab. Whatever is in my head ultimately makes its way to my mouth, probably why I spend so much more time making apologies than he does. Only occasionally does his carefully constructed veneer split.

Yesterday it was "the cure". That cut deep on two fronts, firstly the denial from his family that Syed is gay. At first I thought he was worried that people would see him as some sort of predator, but no, he was actually more concerned about Syed, about him finding happiness in his life. I say he made his choice he has to live with it, so what if he is miserable for the rest of his life, not my problem! Deeper than that though was the idea that being gay was an illness. That undermines who he is and what he stands for. For Syed himself to stand there and say this was, to Christian, yet another personal rejection both as a lover and a friend, to me it was kicking someone when they are down. Unforgiveable!

Today it spilt over with his outburst in the Vic at the Masoods. What is it with him? Fine put one over one over on his parents if you must – but what is it that he still tries to stand up for and protect Syed, doesn't he get it – he's just not worth it!

Christian, honey – it's time for some tougher love – you need to move on.

Please R&R - they are much appreciated.