Move forward to January 2nd – after the kiss with the Piper.

Chapter 8

What a start to the New Year, I don't think I have slept a wink from the time I finally rolled home this morning to the time I had to collect Amy from Dot's. My heart goes out to Kat and Alfie, nobody should lose a child. I know how I felt when Sean took Amy, and I knew I there was a chance to get her back. There is no such hope for them, all those months carrying a child and only for him to be so cruelly taken away from you in a matter of days. Makes you appreciate what you have, you'd think it would make my sister appreciate her James all the more, but she's acting so weird. I can't get more than two words out of her, and she seems to want to lock herself away. I can understand her being paranoid about leaving the baby on its own but it's not healthy. At least Jack is back to look after them now, I'll go and see them later, right now I need breakfast and something to stop the pounding in my head.

I bet Christian's feeling even worse than me though! Things are looking up – imagine Christian abandoning Syed at home on New Year's Eve, maybe that first flush of passion has worn off, or maybe it's just his true self rising to the surface again. I don't care one way or the other; if it means that next year I see more of my mate I'll be happy.

I wonder if he has got things into perspective this morning. I mean what a fuss over a little kiss, and from what I understand it wasn't him, who initiated it, he could have taken it further but even through his drunken haze he chose not to. So there is no way that can be considered as being unfaithful. I don't understand how he got himself into such a state, and I really hope Syed was asleep when he finally got home last night so he didn't just blurt it out. I mean I am still no great fan and I really don't see what Christian sees in him, but I don't need to understand them to know that Christian has never been this happy. Their relationship is still quite new and there are so many differences between them, it is bound to be fragile. If Syed blows it all out of proportion he might blame me, after the last incident with the spiked drink I sure don't want to ever be the one that is seen as coming between them. I don't want Christian to be hurt again either; I need to make him understand that there is such a thing as a white lie.

He was so cute when he cuddled up to me in the square, I know that people say all sorts of things when they are drunk but I believe he meant it. He meant it when he said that he loved me, that there was part of his heart that belonged to me. I know that I meant what I said and I guess that is the real reason that I haven't been able to sleep.

From the first day I set eyes on Christian I knew he was a bit special. I fancied him, but when I realised he was gay it didn't bother me to turn that attraction into friendship. What a friend he has turned out to be –he's fun but he's also loyal, a way lot smarter than people take him to be, he has never been afraid to be honest with me and has helped me both practically and emotionally and he has been such a great godfather to Amy.

All night it has been playing through my head, what if... What if I had taken him up on his offer to be Amy's dad, what if I had never taken Sean back into my life? I knew in my heart it was never going to last, Christian knew that too, he was the one who warned me Sean was a nutter – I could have saved myself a whole load of heartbreak, I could have saved Christian a whole load of heartbreak.

What else would have changed – if Christian had moved in with me and Amy, he would have been my rock, would he ever have got together with Syed? Would we have worked out something between us, would he have been content to carry on with the one night stands and come home to me night after night? Or would we have found a different kind of relationship?

The real reason I can't sleep is that admitting it to Christian, has meant I have had to admit it to myself. Janine was wrong, I am not a Fag Hag, but in another way she was right I am jealous! Somewhere along the line my feelings have changed, the bit of me that fancied him never went away, it is just that while he was open and available I could suppress it, now he is in a relationship I can't anymore.

The truth is he is not just my best mate – he is the lover I now know I can never have. At what point friendship turned to love I don't know, but love him I do.