The Truth About Warriors Chapter 6: CrowXLeaf, a warriors fanfic

Alrighty people, as promised, SUPER CHAPTER SIX! Sorry for the wait, apparently flu and sarcasm do not mix well…

As always, thank you to my reviewers, you guys make my day. All of your suggestions have been noted and most will be used for later chapters.

Chapter 6:

CrowXLeaf; Because, let's face it people, it really doesn't get any more forbidden than this.

A Tale of Two Lovers

Once upon a moon, in a magical, glittery territory by a magical, glittery lake, there lived two lovers. Oh, they were young and naive, but their passion was strong and true. It had started when the brave warrior Sir Crowfeather, saved the life of the young maiden, Lady Leafpool. The two immediately fell in desperate love. But their relationship could never be, because they were from different clans, and Lady Leafpool was medicine cat. But, the two couldn't live without each other, so, they fled from their home together, starting a new life as…..

NO! NO, NO, NO! I can't even try to finish that overly dramatic, poorly thought out summary because it makes my eyes bleed so much! UGH! It's going to take weeks to get over the emotional scarring!

No people, I haven't gone insane; the horrible piece of… writing (I use that word loosely) seen above is not there making you shudder for no purpose at all (though it is mildly amusing imagining all of the plot Nazis out there who are now writhing.)

If you can handle the emotional trauma involved, take another glance at the introductory…piece. Now, this may come as a surprise to about half of the fangirls (you know what, no, all the fangirls) reading this, but that is not how you write a story.

Wait, no, let me rephrase that; that is not how you are supposed to write a story. For those of you staring at the screen in utter shock and horror at this new revelation (yes you, the one that just broke out in a cold sweat) this is not literature, this is the work of an obsessive fangirl or a very dedicated troll (if you are the latter, I do solemnly congratulate you for a job well done!)

Unfortunately folks the above text is pretty similar to most of the pairing centered stories posted here on the Warriors archive. And of course, what is the most common pairing these abominations show up for? You guessed it!

OMG! CROWXLEAF!

Or, wait, maybe I should rewrite that exclamation correctly.

WTF! CROWXLEAF!

Well guys, when I first sat down to write this chapter, I decided to do a little research into all of the insane stories written for this pairing. I mean, come on why not? The fangirl invasion surely couldn't be as bad as some of the other archives that are now completely overrun. I mean, it's just a pairing, given an unexpected one but still…

Anyway, so I took a look at some of the random CrowXLeaf stories out there…and got about five minutes into it before I started beating my computer with a sledge hammer (very fun, I highly recommend it) and then went off in pursuit of both a tissue for my uncontrolled weeping over the loss of all common sense and a skilled therapist that might help with some of the emotional scarring.

Never. Again.

But, in the five consecutive minutes before my eyes started burning for the epic failure of it all, I gathered enough to know that I now hate this pairing with the extreme loathing intensity equal to that of a thousand grease fires.

Below is an example of a small, believable CrowXLeaf instance (taken from the fifth book in the New Prophecy, Twilight because it's really the only place I could find an example that was even mildly believable):

For a moment, her guilt and anxiety faded. She felt as though noting mattered except being close to him, gazing into his burning amber eyes.

"I know there are problems," Crowfeather went on, scraping the earth with his claws. "You're a medicine cat, and we're in different Clans. The whole warrior code is against us. But there must be a way."

(End Excerpt)

And this is an example of the majority of CrowXLeaf Fanfiction stories, written by fangirls for fangirls:

She stared into his wonderful, glittering eyes, feeling as if her body would burst with absolute love. He leaned into her, licking her cheek and purring warmly.

"I love you Leafpool."

"I love you too." Leafpool purred, never feeling happier. The happiness was gone in a flash though. "But this is wrong. It's against the warrior code!" (*Sigh* I guess we all see where Hollyleaf got her genes from.)

"SCREW THE WARRIOR FLIPPING CODE!" (And that's where Jayfeather get's his charming traits.)

Leafpool sighed and smiled sadly, regretting what she was about to say. "Crowfeather, I'm pregnant."

Crowfeather smiled reassuringly "Wonderful. I love everyone!"

It is truly sad how small the amount of exaggeration used in that last example was. As you can see, something here doesn't add up, and throughout this chapter, I'm going to explain to you every aspect of why that is. Who knows, you might learn something that you never knew and had absolutely no desire to!

But if you'll excuse me for just one second, I appear to be on the verge on a nervous breakdown from actually purposefully writing that eyesore that was the previous example.

A Match Made in StarClan?

So, why is it that this pairing is such a complete fail? Well, let's start by looking at the origins of where it came from.

It starts with a WindClan warrior, Crowfeather, who is absolutely heartbroken over loosing Feathertail, his other one true love. So, he tries to retreat deep into his emo corner, but seems to take a wrong turn somewhere along the way and ends up in a briefly highly emotional state in which he falls in love with the first random cat that passes by, which coincidentally happened to be Leafpool.

So, even though his other one true love is dead, Crowfeather decides to go ahead and stalk Leafpool because he's just too impatient to wait for Feathertail. Wow. Schizophrenic much? Then, miraculously, Crowfeather rescues Leafpool from almost falling off of the high side of the gorge.

Oh Leafpool, you klutz.

He then proceeds to admit his undying love for her (just like he did with Feathertail) and, suddenly, Leafpool realizes that she's in love too! She just never realized it because she was too busy hating his guts and not caring!

Does anyone else see a flaw in this relationship? I mean, really, besides the whole 'medicine cat X enemy warrior' thing. Anyone? Am I the only one who sees how horribly failtastic this is? I mean come on! It even took FireFREAKINGpaw half a book to realize that he was in love with Spottedleaf. It Glayswapseveral chapters! And now these too fall in love in a few sentences? Really? Really? Doesn't this all seem a bit, oh I don't know, rushed? They don't know anything about each other for crying out loud! For all Leafpool knows, Crowfeather is a psychopathic mass murderer cannibal who will kill her in her sleep!

Seeing all of these unmistakable loop holes, I don't know about you guys, but I certainly can only come with only one logical reason why Leafpool would be that stupid:

Due to a sudden gap in interesting plot twists, the Erin Hunters made her an offer she couldn't refuse (Cue Godfather theme music!)

Alright, so they're circumstances are a little unrealistic, but come on, there has to be something completely perfect about it. I mean, there has to be some reason why it's so freaking successful. Well everyone, rest assured that there is indeed a reason behind the popularity of CrowXLeaf, two words that makes me shudder:

Marketing schemes.

Now here's a real look at why CrowXLeaf was meant to be:

It all happened after the release of Dawn, when the Erin Hunters suddenly realize that they've run into a problem. After relocating the clans to a new territory and completing an entire prophecy, the promised plotline for the New Prophecy arc has pretty much been wrapped up except for a few loose ends, and they still have three books left. Considering that there is only so much filler and chaos that can be considered worthy plotline material, the authors saw that they needed to add a few new devices to the new Warriors books in order to make sure that they succeeded. So, what do you get when you need plot filler? A few random battles, clan tensions, and a whole bunch of badgers!

But something was still missing to the story, so they decided to go back and take a look at their main characters that by now were beginning to gradually fade into the background since the prophecy was over. Tawnypelt really didn't have much to offer, even though she was pretty awesome, and Stormfur of course was stranded in the mountains with a strange cult (oh, sorry, tribe) of cats, which meant he was out, and of course Feathertail was dead as a doornail. That pretty much left Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight, which were at this point already sucking up all of the available plot material that there was with all of their angst, prejudice, and denial.

So then that only left Crowfeather, the depressed, slightly emo, schizophrenic guy that everyone hates and Leafpool, the kind, loving, perfect medicine cat apprentice who everyone hates. Yeah, because that totally works…

Seeing their limited options, the Erin Hunters made it so, and now because of a simple lack of plot interest we have an epidemic on our hands.

Two Halves of a Shattered Whole

Just in case the origins of this sick relationship didn't convince you that this paring is a complete fail, we'll take a look into a deeper subject; the personality compatibility of Crowfeather and Leafpool.

Crowfeather: an emo, pessimistic, schizophrenic and slightly psychotic warrior with anger management problems, mood swings, and commitment issues.

Leafpool: optimistic and calm, perfect daughter of Firestar that can do no wrong; medicine cat apprentice, receives prophecies and omens that her mentor doesn't, and talks to dead people.

Yeah, because that totally works!

Please people, I beg of you! See sense just for once! If it weren't for the Dictator-Author thing, this would NEVER work. Ever. He's an emo jerk, she's a perfect so-totally-not-Mary-Sue just like her father who never getsmad (well, except when Jayfeather is involved, but let's face it, who doesn't he irritate?) It just doesn't happen! What do they have to talk about? What common ground could they possibly have except for the fact that both of them have had random prophecies inflicted upon them by the author overlords? Yeah, I'm sure that one's a real conversation starter….

Leafpool and Crowfeather sat in the shade, looking blankly at each other, trying to ignore awkward silence that had ensued between them. Crowfeather being naive and clueless decided to try and make conversation.

"So, uh, you're a medicine cat, right?" he asked dumbly.

"Medicine cat apprentice actually."

"Oh, well, that must be interesting. I don't think that I could have the patience for that though; it seems like it would be a quiet job."

"It is," Leafpool admitted, feeling slightly irked by the comment. "But not uneventful. We do get prophecies after all."

"Prophecies? Like what?"

"Oh, nothing really. Forewarnings of ultimate doom, glimpses of horrible battles and death and destruction that haunt your every nightmare. No biggie. Why, just the other day I got a prophecy that my sister's mate might destroy the clans with his evil half-brother. Then I got a vision that convinced Firestar to make him clan deputy."

"Huh, go figure."

"So…" Leafpool said. "You went on the journey to the sun-drown place with Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw, right? That must have been… interesting…"

"Definitely." Crowfeather agreed. "You know, except for the part where we were nearly killed on a regular basis…and the fact that I absolutely despise almost everyone who I traveled with…and how the one cat I didn't hate and fell madly in love with died a tragic death in order to fulfill a second prophecy and save my life. Then there was how everyone hated me when I got back home because they thought that I was a deserter. Yeah, it was a blast."

"Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that someone died…hey, wait, what do you mean 'madly in love with'? You said you were madly in love with me!"

Crowfeather swallowed nervously, "Um, well…anyway, so yeah, the cats I went with to the sun-drown place were really annoying." He said in a lame attempt to change the subject.

"Oh, were they now?"

"Definitely! Especially this one she-cat, she's in your clan I think. Squirrelflight. Irritating as heck."

Leafpool got an odd sort of look on her face, and her voice became as smooth as honey. "So you think Squirrelflight is irritating?"

"Um, duh! She just wouldn't shut up! And she's such an idiot; she nearly got us killed multiple times. And she wasn't even part of the prophecy; she was just tagging along to swoon over Brambleclaw in my opinion… why are you looking at me like that?"

Leafpool was glaring at Crowfeather, giving him a dark look that could have caused a fox to turn tail and flee for his life. Her voice was as cold as leafbare.

"Squirrelflight is my sister."

"Oh... Well, this is awkward…"

See how well that works? Yeah, it doesn't, does it?

Also, taking a step back from personality differences, let's look at their social differences. No, I DO NOT mean medicine cat – warrior or ThunderClan –WindClan sort of differences. I could honestly care less about those, and I have a feeling that a good portion of the world feels the same. No, I'm talking about something much more binding, a deeper law than even the Warrior Code.

People, we are talking about her is an enter-social class relationship. *gasp*

Think about it, daughter of clan leader/prodigy and a sulky normal warrior. They're from different worlds people, it wasn't meant to be.

The Spawn of Evil

By now, I think it has become quite clear why CrowXLeaf shouldn't be, but the sad fact is that it is. So, instead of the part where we take a break and count our blessings for what will never happen, let's take a look at the sad results of what did happen.

Let's face it folks, besides bringing in profits, the Power of Three was written for one purpose and one purpose only: to answer the question we had all been wondering since the very beginning of this while CrowXLeaf madness.

So, what do you get when you cross a Schizophrenic with a so-totally-not-Mary-Sue?

Answer: an emo non-racist who sees dead people, a sadistic future politician, and a Nazis with OREO syndrome.

Or if you look at it from a mathematical standpoint: (CF*LP) + (THcl/Wcl) – tWC= ESCWEPADFAI

Now, just for you simpletons, here's a translation: Crow + Leaf = many, many bad things.

I mean really, do I have to give anymore explanation than their demented offspring? Just look at them!

Jayfeather: an ambitious little freak who could care less about the world and likes to spend his free time swooning after a stick.

InheritedTraits: Takes after his father in the emo department and his mother in the fact that he receives weird prophecies. The suffix –feather, was given to him by his mother in an 'oh so subtle' attempt to remember her beloved Crowfeather even though he could now care less about her.

Lesson Learned: Warriors ,if you have kits with a medicine cat, not only will your child grow up plotting your demise, he will also haunt you in your nightmares while doing it.(literally)

Hollyleaf: Psychotic rules Nazis who has no greater love in life than the warrior code

Inherited Traits: OREO syndrome from…herself. Darn robots…

Lesson Learned: If you're going to build an automaton, always remember to give it an off switch…

Lionblaze: Sadistic warrior with super strength and super political skills.

Inherited Traits: Takes after his father in bad temper and schizophrenia, his adopted father in muscles, and his dead sort-of grandfather, Tigerstar in the ability to strike fear into the hearts of all who cross him.

Lesson Learned: forget what they say, the voices are real…

For more information on the twisted worlds of Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf, see chapters two through four.

Secrets of DOOOOM

…And so the two lovers went their separate, ways, knowing that they would never see each other ever again…except for gatherings…and any other cross clan events…and in battle, in which case they would probably be ripping each other's throats out…oh, you get the point. Lady Leafpool returned to her job as a medicine cat and Sir Crowfeather to his warrior duties. But some things were never meant to die out, for Lady Leafpool had a secret, one that would change the clans…

Just a question, when reading the Power of Three, how many other people knew from the start that Lionblaze, Jayfeather, and Hollyleaf were Leafpool and Crowfeather's children? Was anyone else not the least bit surprised by the 'revelation' in the fifth book?

I'm betting quite a few of you are nodding your heads right now in acknowledgement. I'm also betting that those of you who just nodded your heads are staring at the screen, feeling just a little freaked out. I'm betting that those of you who both nodded your heads and now feel disturbed are now chuckling nervously.

Okay, I'll stop now.

Anyway, the point is, a lot of us saw it coming. And why wouldn't we really? Sure, it was a decent plot twist, but a disappointingly obvious one. The sad thing is, the awkward complicatedness of the relationship put aside, the entire ordeal is really rather predictable. I mean, wasn't it a little obvious about some things, like how we knew that Leafpool wouldn't really leave the clans for good (she's too much of a goody-goody…) or how Crowfeather would become bitter and go back to being the little emo we all know and hate/love?

Well the Power of Three was no different, and to help prove my point about how terribly easy to see this plot twist was, here's a list of evidence that you could have gathered from just the first few books:

1. Hollypaw and Jaypaw look nothing like their supposed parents, but Hollypaw has dark fur like Crowfeather and Jaypaw is a tabby like Leafpool

2. None of the kits really show similar characteristics with their supposed parents, but have a great deal in common when compared with Crowfeather or Leafpool

3. When one of the three is hurt or in trouble, Leafpool always seems to get more upset than their supposed mother

4. Leafpool relates to Jaypaw better than anyone else

5. It mentions in the book that Squirrelflight's milk never came after her supposed kitting

6. The kits were born outside of camp during leafbare; what kind of mother would leave camp so close to kitting during leafbare if there wasn't some sort of ruse going on?

7. It mentions at one point in Sunset that "even slender Leafpool was looking plump." *cough* PREGNANT *cough*

8. Leafpool received a vision about the Power of Three during the New Prophecy

9. In the play "We Need to Talk" by Erin Hunter, Leafpool keeps trying to mention something important to Crowfeather, until he mentions that Nightcloud was having his kits.

10. Leafpool is the only one who even pretends to care when the three of them return from their journey to the mountains

Proof enough for you? Yeah, I would say that Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf are Leafpool and Crowfeather's kits!

Happily Ever After

And the two stood facing each other once more. The secret was out now, and there was no need for secrecy. Lady Leafpool had kits, and Crowfeather was the father. As the two stared into each other's eyes, they knew, they knew for certain that they could not live without each other, and that in their hearts they would never be apart…

GAH! It still burns to write! *shudders* Let's just get on with the closing notes…

You know the one thing I like about this pairing? The ending. They build up all this hype and drama and then…it ends. Seriously, Crowfeather doesn't even give Leafpool a second glance when he finds out that she had his kits. There's just…nothing. It's freaking awesome!

Ah well, all of you CrowXLeaf supporters don't fret. There's a new arc soon to arrive, and with it a world of possibilities. And if something new does arrive on the topic well… I'll be here to crush all hope and joy that it brings to the pathetic fangirls of the world and give hope and joy to the rest of us!

I'm going to stop with this one last note to those of you who refuse to see the truth: this pairing is like cancer; it starts out small and then grows into something huge and devastating that ruins lives and dreams.

For, just remember my good people, it's because of Crowfeather and Leafpool that we have Hollyleaf.

**NOTE: for the complicated equation in the above subheading The Spawn of Evil, here's a key so that you can understand it:

(CF*LP) + (THcl/Wcl) – tWC= ESCWEPADFAI

(Crowfeather multipliedby Leafpool) plus (ThunderClan divided by WindClan) minus the warrior code = Evil Super Cats With Epic Powers And Doom For All Innocents!

And there you have it**

Yeah… and the ironic thing is, this was one of my favorite pairings too…

Up Next: Ferncloud