The Beast Within

- Chapter 9-

Dean was sitting on the steps of the front porch of Bobby's house, a cold Coors next to him on the second step, the Winchester Laptop balanced dangerously on his knees. He still couldn't get over the fact that Bobby finally had a wireless internet connection of all things.

He took a sip from the cold beer and read the website that had finally loaded. For the past few days Dean was reading everything about torture and post traumatic stress disorder that he could find and at this point his eyes were swimming.

He sighed and massaged his eyes, then slammed shut the cover of the notebook and took another sip. He couldn't read another word of it. He had enough and he wasn't sure how this would help him help his little brother anyway. Maybe they had to consider a shrink or something. He wasn't trained in dealing with this; certainly his Dad had never prepared him for this kind of event. Give him a Wendigo or a Vampire and he'll send them right to hell, but make him an expert on torture induced post traumatic stress and he was about as useful as a compass to a blind man.

Dean felt frustrated and somehow shut out from Sammy's world. This whole ordeal had made his little brother very quiet, even more quiet than usual and there was a strange …he couldn't find a word for it…like a presence within Sam, something that hadn't been there before and although he would never admit to it, scared him a little.
It was like Sammy had gone through hell and something else had come back with him. Then again, who was to say it wasn't always there, now somehow brought forward.

He wished he could talk to someone, or that someone would tell him what to do. Usually Sammy was the one that came up with the clever solutions, buried himself in books and searching the web. Dean was best when he could put his own life on the line or when he had to improvise. The slow process of Freud and Jung just wasn't his thing unless they happened to be the last names of two fine chicks called Heidi and Emma or something…he shook his head as he was drifting off again on an unrelated subject.

"Focus man!" he ordered himself and opened the notebook up once again. It took a second for the screen to come on.

"What are you doing?"

Dean looked over the screen and recognised Sam's dark silhouette against the light sky. He hadn't heard him coming at all which startled Dean a little. He looked up at Sammy who stood there as he remembered him, hands in the pockets of his jacket while displaying a grumpy fart face.

"Busty asian porn..you know, the usual!" Dean lied smiling and slammed the notebook shut once more.

Sam smirked and looked around as if he wasn't sure what to do with himself.

"Is there something on your mind, Sammy?" Dean asked gently.

"I guess.." Sam said as if he had trouble convincing even himself. Then he finally gave himself a push and added "You know..I have been thinking…"

"Ah, that's dangerous you know."

Sam decided to ignore this comment for a change as he knew Dean couldn't help himself.

"I have been thinking that maybe we should…you know…continue with what we do."

In response Dean pulled a face that was a bastard crossbreed between puzzlement and confusion. Dean wasn't sure if he had heard correctly.

"I am puzzlefused. You..you mean going hunting again?"

Sam furrowed his brow in return.

"Puzzle-what?" he had never heard such a word before, but then again his memory seemed to let him down a lot recently.

"Puzzlefused! It's like fugly. You know, two words combined. I just thought of it! " Dean said with a proud smile.

Sam wasn't sure what to say to that and simply pulled a face before he asked Dean again, what he thought of the idea of going on the road again soon.

"Well, don't you think that's a little too early, with all the ..stuff you have been through?" Dean asked carefully biting his own lip, as he didn't want to sound insensitive about this.

"That's exactly it Dean! How exactly am I supposed to deal with this? I don't know what to do with myself half the time and the other half I am bored out of my head Dean" he explained passionately but there was also a wild glare in his eyes.

"I don't know Sammy. Maybe it's not such a good idea." Although he wanted so desperately be behind the wheel again, hunting down some of those evil son's of bitches. Everything was better than this helplessness.

"For example, what ever became of the mansion..the ghosts..lavender.." Sam tried to remember its name but couldn't.

"Lemp! Lemp mansion" Dean helped out.

"Yes. Did you go back there after I was.."

"No! Of course not! I spent every goddamn second trying to find you Sam and there is not a day that goes by that I wish it hadn't been sooner. Man I wished I could have spared you all this crap! You shouldn't have to deal with this."

Sam tried to keep a brave face but what his brother said touched him a little. All this time he wanted to believe that Dean hadn't given up on him. He was glad the old man had been lying to him.

"Maybe that's what we have to do Dean. Go hunting and just get on with things. Maybe that's the way forward."

"You know what, I wouldn't like nothing more right now, but I don't want you to feel like you have to."

"Okay" Sam nodded. He was glad that Dean had no idea how he really felt. That he in fact had an urge to go hunting again. Within all the hurt and the pain was also this other feeling that he had been battling with, but since he was out it got stronger with every day that passed. It was like a hunger…

"..drowning rabbit!" Dean proclaimed.

Sam realised that he had drifted off in his own thoughts and that Dean had said something about rabbits. He smiled uncomfortably.

"What?" he asked, just in case it was important.

"I said, this idea better not be about as useless as a jam sandwich to a drowning rabbit."

"Uh, okay, which one am I?" Sam sneered.

Dean screwed up his eyes puzzlefused.

"I hope neither!"