So easy to pretend everything is okay isn't it… Denying all emotions so you can feel empty instead of overwhelmed.
"How do you know my name?" Lainey asked with little emotion as if she were just a machine.
"Sources," Mrs. Hartford said simply. "Anthony told us about the tube incident. We believe you can help us with something."
"Me?" Lainey said looking between Mrs. Hartford and Mr. Conway. She closed her eyes and rolled them before muttering, "You're off your rocker."
"On the contrary," said Mr. Conway. "I'm planted firmly in mine."
Lainey didn't find it funny.
"It's a delicate matter to do with Prince William's Daughter Diana," Mrs. Hartford said. "The fiend behind all this is an acquaintance of yours, Robert Patrick."
"Rob," Lainey drawled. "He's a whacky role player with mood swings. I'd hardly call him an acquaintance."
"Whacky indeed," Mr. Conway said. "He kidnapped the prince's daughter and we believe is endangering her life. We don't know how and we don't need to. We just need to get her out of there."
"You want me to meet him then," Lainey said slowly and the two at the end of the table nodded. It really bugged her when she wasn't told what she was supposed to be doing right off.
"You're in the right place and the right time for us," Mrs. Hartford said. "You'd risk you're life for a tot at the tube and that's all we're asking of you here."
"What about my schooling?" Lainey asked trying to not to act as cranky as she felt.
"This shouldn't be for very long and even if it is you can always go to college for another year. It's more flexible than high school. People do it all the time," Mr. Conway said.
"You really need to work on being more convincing," Lainey growled and Conway actually smiled at her.
"You'll begin training," Conway started but Lainey cut him off.
"Training?" she said exasperated as she smacked her hand down on the table. "I never said I would even do it."
"Will you then?" Mrs. Hartford asked with a sigh as if all of this was a formality.
Lainey looked over at Alex. She was sure that he had been wary at first when he was put in this situation but he unlike her had been much younger and they were threatening to take the only person he had left. Alex turned his brown eyes on her that seemed to hold the weight of the world in them. She sensed his regret for having brought her here. She couldn't tell if the regret was because he cared for her too much or if he thought she couldn't really do this.
"When do I start?" Lainey asked heavily and everyone in the room but Alex smiled a little.
"You didn't have to do that," Alex said sounding almost angry at her as he drove her back to Westminster University.
"I know," Lainey said looking at the ring he had given to her. She found out that it was a tracker ring. It made her feel sick. She wanted to throw the ring as far away from her as possible. It was one of the only ways to keep her safe though.
"I don't really even want you to do it," Alex murmured quietly.
Lainey remained silent. She was still angry at him. Why was he so good at acting? She never knew if he really felt that way about her.
"Aren't you even worried about what might happen?" he asked.
"I'm scared to death," Lainey said as they exchanged glances. "I've only had karate lesson for two years. I'm not very strong in the arms at all as I'm sure you could tell."
"That's why you have to go through training," Alex sighed.
"Really," Lainey remarked sarcastically making it obvious that she knew that already. "Are you going to be there?" she asked more softly.
"Maybe," Alex said.
Lainey folded her knees to her chest. "Did I tell you my birthday's this coming Monday?" she asked turning into more comfortable conversation.
"No you didn't," Alex said. "How old will you be?"
"Twenty," Lainey said.
"The big two-oh, eh," Alex said as if to make her smile.
"Yep," Lainey said without obliging him and turned on the radio.
Alex turned it off and Lainey turned it back on again. Off then on. Off then on again. They went back and forth for a while until Lainey finally snapped, "Either say something Alex or let me listen to the damn radio."
Alex stopped and let her listen for a little while. He wanted to say something but he didn't know what to say. He could have stopped her. He looked over at her as she hummed to the song that was playing. He felt guilty for even letting her decide to endure the next few days. He could tell that she was just as good at pretending as he was. Lainey's denial of his hand to help her up was proof of that. It was easy to pretend that you didn't need help. It was harder to face life knowing that you would experience times when you would want nothing more than help.
SAS Training
When Lainey had told Alex she was a sucker for running she had been right. She wasn't very fast at first but as things became more realistic she was at the front of the pack. She flew under the wires to many of the men's amazement. She didn't mind the mud. They all called her either Crocus or Girlie. Her code name was Panda but no one ever called her that.
Lainey received the name Crocus because the first time she had to zip over the water on the obstacle course she was singing to herself so she wouldn't be afraid. When she reached the end she flew off and croaked out the last word. The word ironic enough had been 'us'. There came the name Crocus. Girlie had its obvious origin since she was the only one there.
Never did she say a word against anyone. She just stood tranquil and breathed deeply. She didn't try to be friends with anyone and no one tried to be friends with her. Her karate lessons excelled despite her solitude and she moved on to the beginnings of receiving a black belt.
The first day of combat Lainey's opponent teased her as she stood there calm and relaxed. Alex had been there that day. It was the second day there, after she had earned the name Crocus.
"Are you going to sing for me Crocus?" the man drawled circling her. "Some of us consider Americans pansies. You fit right in." Alex watched where Lainey's eyes were focused. She took a deep breath as she looked from the man's feet and up to his shoulders. The man's head was way above her if he wasn't crouched over in a boxing position.
The man reached out to test her and see if she would even fight back. Lainey quickly dodged his arm and pulled it across herself so that he was directly behind her. She embedded her elbow into his gut winding him and then she punched him in the face. The man grabbed her firmly to put her in a headlock. She slapped her hands up around his wrist turned around until she could put her foot to his torso and kick him back as she let go of him. He fell to the ground stunned but got back up on his feet quickly. This time Lainey kept her arms up. He swung a fist at her and she dodged it. She had learned to be quick. The man stood back wondering if this was all she was going to do.
Every time the man decided to take a step in a circle Lainey took a step in the opposite direction. Soldiers around them were cheering. She tried to focus despite the noise and looked at his feet again. He had tried to punch her with his right hand first. Which meant he was probably right handed and therefore would step toward her with his right foot. She took another breath as she realized that which foot he would use didn't matter. She had to get them out from under him again.
"Don't know if I really want to hit a girl anyway," he called out.
"What," Lainey mocked. "Disappointed that you can't keep up?"
"You can't even measure up you short stack," he retorted. "You don't belong here!"
Alex saw the rage start to burn in Lainey's eyes. She charged forward and began slamming her fists against him. "I'm going to get bruises!" he mocked as she hit at his torso. Lainey then smacked him across the face with the back of her hand. Then she kneed him in the groin he doubled over and she smashed his face into her knee.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!"
Lainey looked at Alex with the rage still burning in her eyes. "Come with me right now," Alex ordered. She strode swiftly out of the building as the man sat on the ground and tended to his bloody nose.
Lainey was seething. "I need to break something," she snarled as she started to pace.
At first Alex wasn't sure what to do. Lainey had made sure that she wouldn't have to use a gun so going to a shooting range wasn't an option. There was nothing for her to break. He kept trying to think of what would calm her down. "Just go for a walk," he said finally. "You need to cool off."
She didn't even look at him as she stormed off down one of the camp's many trails.
Every time she went down she got up again. It was a spirit that Alex had rarely seen before. It was the American spirit. He had read her folder that they now had on her. Her psychiatric case was a long and crumbling one. She had experienced immature sexual abuse and family problems when she was very young. Her father had multiple health problems and her mother was a newly licensed teacher who was moving all over the country. Her brother was married with twins in Atlanta and she had an autistic brother that lived in Indianapolis.
Why would she want to go back to a life like that? Lainey must have been pretending to be someone else for a very long time. Alex was certain that if Lainey were honest with herself she never would have met him. Yet he knew that she would give her life to save an innocent child every time she had the chance. That was the only thing that kept him from sending her home.
Alex never saw her express honest feelings until the last night she was at camp. She was sitting there under a black blanket glittering with stars. The view was breath taking but Lainey wasn't looking at it. She had her knees drawn up to her chest and she was sobbing into her knee caps. Alex walked up to her and she flinched and looked up at him. The camp fire she had made was burning brightly. She had been the third one to get to the destination and no one was willing to camp near her.
"What are you doing here?" She asked wiping her tears away. Alex had already seen them glint in the moonlight.
"You miss your family don't you," he said sitting next to her even though she inched away quickly. She didn't say anything. "I've read up on you and I know everything."
"Everything," she said hoarsely.
"Everything," Alex replied. "We need to know as much about you as we can." Lainey fell silent and looked at the flames as she put more firewood on it.
"Here," Alex said drawing out a bag of thin wheat crackers. "Consider it an early birthday present." Lainey held her hand out and looked like a starving bird. "Well aren't you going to say something?" he asked as Lainey started to eat the wheat thins ravenously.
"Something," Lainey said between bites as she concentrated on the bag in front of her. Alex sighed and got up to leave. She stopped him by putting a hand on his foot. "Thank you Alex," Lainey said gesturing at first at the bag and then added, "for everything."
"You're welcome," Alex said. "Goodnight Panda."
"Goodnight Cub," Lainey replied. She clutched at his pant leg for a moment. Alex could tell that she didn't want to be alone. She eventually let go. Alex walked down the hill with a sigh. Why did she always have to pretend that she was okay when he knew she wasn't? It was almost exactly like him. Never open up to anyone because they can always end up hurting you. Alex looked back up at Lainey sitting there all alone. Something in his heart ached.
Next Day
Lainey did the honors of leading the group past the security into a building they were mock raiding and everyone got out okay. The men of the unit all patted her on the back.
"You proved me wrong about Americans," said the man who she had beaten. He still had a bandage on his nose. "I'd hate to meet a man in combat," he said rubbing his chin.
"Good luck Bingo," she said shaking his hand.
"You too, Panda," The man said as they went separate ways never to see each other again. Others murmured goodbyes and yelled, "See you Crocus." Lainey knew she would never see any of them again.
Alex was waiting for her next to an S.A.S jeep vehicle. "Happy twentieth birthday," Alex said before they got in.
"I never dreamed I would be saying goodbye to such people on my birthday," Lainey remarked smartly looking at him. Alex smiled and got into the car.
Lainey picked at her food. That is as much as a person who had just lived five days on protein pills could pick at food. To anyone else she looked as if she was eating normally, but Alex knew she was nervous. He had taken her to a nice Italian restaurant and she was wearing a dress for the occasion.
"You look nice," he said casually. She didn't respond like she had at the campfire last night. She wasn't paying attention to him as she poked a piece of grilled chicken and swirled it in the pasta with her fork. She had ordered chicken fettuccine with Alfredo sauce; her favorite. It reminded her of a restaurant back home.
"Lainey," Alex said as she continued to twirl her pasta.
"Hmmm?" she said looking up at him.
"You're in a different world," Alex said.
"Yeah," Lainey replied and cut the fettuccine into smaller bits to eat.
"What's so great about that world?" he asked.
"You haven't lived it Alex," Lainey said bluntly. "You wouldn't understand."
"Make me understand," Alex challenged going back to his food. "How could you possibly live with such a broken family?"
"They're my family Alex," Lainey said with indignation. "We made the best of everything we had; even if it wasn't very much. We were lucky that we loved each other enough that we kept going. I didn't have the greatest childhood Alex," Lainey said going back to cutting her pasta. "But I had parents who loved me and wanted me to be able to support myself when I left the house. I wouldn't call that a broken family."
"What about the incident?" Alex asked coolly.
"You know about that too?" Lainey asked dropping her fork. Alex nodded. She looked away from him as she started to talk quickly. "It's still uncomfortable to talk about even after eleven years but I've learned that I can forgive him now. I don't know what my life would have been like without it. It's really complicated but I've given it a lot of thought." She paused as she looked at her food. Alex was stunned. "I wouldn't be here right now with you," she said. "I'd probably be living in a shack of an apartment in God knows what city with God knows how many children and how many more bruises. In a way that boy saved my life even though it didn't feel like it at the time." It was Alex's turn to drop his fork.
"You'd thank him for ruining your life?" Alex said.
"Don't you see?" Lainey said with a huff. "He only wounded it for a little while. I've learned that wounds won't heal if you keep letting them bother you. They heal a lot better if you just let it go and realize that this will now make you who you are. My life isn't ruined." Alex was silent the rest of the night. She was one surprise after another.
When a Rolls-Royce rolled up to pick Lainey up at Westminster, the two boys from Lainey's English class waved to her. She waved back and got in.
"So who are you supposed to be?" Lainey asked looking at latex altered Alex who was wearing blue contacts and holding a brown wig.
"I'm your new friend from Westminster," Alex said smiling as he put the wig on.
"What if we go swimming?" Lainey asked.
"It's September," Alex said.
"It's called indoors," Lainey pointed out, "Duh! If I know Rob like I think I do he'll be insisting."
"Alright I won't wear the wig," he said taking it off.
"Latex," Lainey said pointing and he pulled it off his face with a sigh.
"Don't make me blow my cover," Alex grumbled with a smirk.
"Rob won't care," Lainey said with a shrug. "He enjoys a challenge, no matter whose life is on the line."
"Sounds like a nightmare," Alex said.
"Believe me," Lainey scoffed. "He is. He does not like to be told how much he's just like everyone else. He's crazy."
"Have you ever met him before?" Alex asked.
"No," Lainey replied. "You'd be surprised how much a person puts themselves into a role play. Role playing is like improvisation but you are typing what you are doing instead of acting it out," she explained at his questioning look.
"So like acting on a literary level," Alex said.
"I guess you could put it that way," Lainey said.
It finally came to Alex's mind that Lainey was completely oblivious as to how much she pretended around him. She was a lot of action sometimes and a lot of talk at other times. He never knew which one was part of who she really was. He fell into a mild depression at this. Alex Rider would never have time to really get to know a person. He would most likely be dead before age thirty.
They rolled up to Robert Patrick's house when it started to rain. It was pouring before they actually got inside. England was unusually wet during autumn. And so unfortunately was Robert Patrick, but it wasn't because of the rain. Lainey could barely keep her jaw from dropping.