The Beast Within

- Chapter 11 -

"I don't know if I am okay with this Sammy"

Dean felt prickly and he tightened his grip around the Impala's steering wheel until his knuckles turned white while the engine was softly purring away in neutral.

"Why Dean?" Sammy asked curiously observing Dean who continued to stare out the windscreen across the parking lot.

"Because…!" He exploded but then his throat felt awfully tight and he had to fight the feeling of losing it. Game face Dean! Keep you game face on dude! He closed his eyes for a brief moment and took a deep breath.

"Because this is where I lost you before Sammy! I don't like this place!"

"It's just a motel Dean"

"Are you kidding me?! How it this place not bothering you?" Dean said.

"Because…just because…" Sammy mumbled.

"Because of what happened to you afterwards, isn't it?" Dean really didn't want to go into further details about this right now, as he suddenly felt truly emotional being confronted with these damn feelings again.

"You know, back then I thought I had lost you forever Sammy. There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening and I didn't know where to start looking…"

"You never told me what eventually happened to the old man." Sam suddenly said turning towards Dean with a hopeful expression on his face.

"Did you kill him?"

Dean pondered a moment over this question.

"Trust me I wanted to Sam. I wanted to…" Dean looked sad "…I really wanted to hurt him bad Sammy, make him pay for what he did to you…" he added gritting his teeth.

"But he had this freakin' tumour and it got to him before I did! I got the address from him and where to find you and to be honest that was all that mattered to me then Sammy."

Sam waited a second, giving Dean time to calm down before he asked his next question.

"What was his name?"

Dean turned towards his little brother, once more puzzlefused.

"Come again?"

"I always wondered…who he was and why he did what he did. You know. I had a lot of time to think."

Dean felt the anger again grabbing hold of his chest and squeezing his heart, but tried to ban the images of his little brother chained up in a dark basement, from his head.

"His name was Sinclair…Bobby had found the lead. Some crazy old guy was in a car accident some months back, suddenly he was a messenger from god, turned out he had a violent Dad and a brain tumour."

"That certainly would explain a lot" Sam said mumbling into his chest, immersed in his own thoughts again.

"What? No!" Dean protested looking at Sam as if he was a complete stranger to him.

"No it doesn't Sam! He had no right to do what he did, tumour or not!"

"We didn't exactly have a fairy tale childhood and our Dad was never there for us. Did we turn out okay?"

"What? Of course we did! We are the good guys!" Again he looked at Sam with a strange look, almost in disgust "How can you even question that?!"

Sam lowered his head and looked at his knees that were always in constant contact with the dashboard.

"You don't really think that what he was doing to you was somehow…justified ?"

"I don't know…" Sam said with a very faint voice, sounding rough and broken, nervously playing with his fingertips.

Ok, this wasn't what Dean had expected. Was this some kind of "bonding with your kidnapper" scenario he had read about somewhere?

"Sammy, look at me! Why would you seriously think that?"

Sam didn't look at Dean. His head was full with thoughts and things he wanted to say but couldn't and Dean trying to force him like that didn't help.

"When I was down there…after he had put the chain on the collar…" Sam began and Dean felt the same sick feeling again when he first entered the basement. He covered his mouth and noise as if he could still remember that horrible smell.

"..after a while..I ..I saw things…"

"Like what?"

"At first I thought it was only my imagination but…I also heard things…voices…and I.." Sam felt very uncomfortable to continue as he was scared what Dean would think about him.

"What Sammy? Talk to me"

"I also felt things Dean." He looked at Dean like a haunted man "Awful things…"

"Awful how? Like sickness, or hunger, or what? Did he hurt you?"

Finally Sam looked up with a sick smirk lurking round his lips.

"Yeah Dean! He hurt me! He hurt me almost every day! With a..a…Tazer…a bat…he constantly kicked me..he.."

"Okay that's enough! I cannot hear anymore of this!" Dean said trying to wipe the horrible images away like dishes from a table.

"Everyday he thought of new ways to torture me Dean! He took my watch, so I didn't know if it was day or night, he took my clothes" demonstratively tugging at his own jacket while his chest was heaving angrily. He couldn't stop himself. His anger was taking over now and he really didn't want to spare Dean right now.

"He starved me for several days at a time! He played godawful music for days, the same stuff over and over and over again!"

Sam was still breathing with rage and exhaustion as the images and emotions flooded back but his voice reflected only the pain. Dean didn't know how to deal with all this information at once, he needed time to think and Sammy needed to calm down again, so he went in for a kamikaze mission.

"Ok, now how is that torture?"

Sam still angry, suddenly had a new problem to deal with here, and it was called Dean's Ignorance.

"Are you really that stupid sometimes Dean?" he yelled in utter disbelief his voice stumbling.

Dean was glad his plan to get Sammy off the subject was working.

"Excuse me for asking a simple question! Come on Sammy, work with me here! What song he play? Huh? Was is Macarena…or..or that Titanic song? Man that would tip me over!" he said with a sheepish smile trying to lighten the mood a little.

Sam pressed his lips together grinding his jaw.

"No." He said remorseful. "It was Ramalama Ding Dong" he added with an ashamed and bitter undertone while he was trying not to meet Dean's eyes.

Dean looked surprised and then tried to play the sound in his head, his lips moving as he silently went though the lyrics in his headRama Lama, Rama Lama Ding Dong
I'll never set her free, for she's mine, all mine..JesusHolyChristOnABicycle!" He exploded suddenly. Now he couldn't get the ringing of this very annoying tune out of his own head. He had a faint notion how it must have been, constantly hearing it over and over again.

"I gotta ask Sam, you know I do!"

"What now?" Sam sighed listless.

"He..he didn't think of you as a ..girl did he?"

Now Sam looked puzzlefused for a change.

"A fugly girl that is…but because in the song its about a girl ..did he ever..?"

When Sam finally understood what Dean was getting at he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"NO! Never! I think I would have killed myself right there with my bare hands."

"Well thank god you didn't Sammy" Dean was relieved a little as this question had haunted him for months.

"I don't think god has anything to do with this" Sammy replied bitter, looking once more across the car park of the Hopsen Barley Motel.