Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
Written by The Real Sidekick with edits by KiY
Chapter title refers to one of the great early movie serials, where some episodes, quite literally, ended with cliffhangers.
Chapter 9 - The Perils of Pauline
As KiY moved forward to announce the next presenter the lights flickered on and off. Words he had promised his mother would never leave his mouth went through his mind. It was almost like someone was playing with the switches in the lobby, but everyone was inside the theater. The audience was turning ugly, a very short trip for a few of them, and KiY tried desperately to calm them down.
"People, please," he yelled, "You all knew this wasn't going to be the Fannies so just deal with it. So what if there are a few problems we have to wade through?"
As if on cue, the power in the auditorium flickered again and stayed off for several seconds. When it came back on, the King was pretty sure there were a few more seats filled in the back. Seats with people… with mandibles... and additional arms.
"Oh dear God, there is something moving back there," he thought with panic. Seeing one wave to him with one of its many arms, he paused for a second before continuing. "Our," his voice cracked as he noticed another back row fill with even more… 'attendees'. He paused and cleared his voice, "Our next presenter is one who needs no introduction." Another row filled in, "So here is The Real Sidekick."
A round of halfhearted applause echoed around the auditorium as the King left the stage. On his way back KiY recruited Ran Hakubi and Whitem for the trip to the back of the theatre. "We've got spiders trying to pass themselves off as fanfiction writers and set up an ambush in the back," he whispered. "You two fought them before."
"How do you know they're not fanfiction writers," Ran asked.
"They've got eight arms!"
"Maybe they're Italian," Whitem suggested.
"You should ask," Ran insisted, "Just to be polite."
"Fine, I'll ask," KiY promised. "But I'd appreciate some backup if they think I'm an entrée."
Meanwhile, the stage remained empty and members of the audience looked around for The Read Sidekick. "I know I saw him earlier," several people agreed.
In the back of the theater Ran, Whitem, and KiY engaged the Italians in spirited debate.
Kwebs tried to organize a mob to start chanting TRS's name, but there were just too many syllables in it to make a good chant. As things deteriorated, JA leaned over to CaptainKodak and remarked, "TRS had better not do anything like this at the Fannies."
As if in response, The Real Sidekick suddenly hopped out on stage, struggling to tighten his belt and rearrange his shirt. His red Buffy the Vampire Slayer shirt was inside out and he had forgotten to retie the laces on his PF Flyers.
Standing in front of the audience The Real Sidekick raised his hands in apology, "Sorry I kept you all waiting," he paused and took a deep breath, "I had some…unfinished business backstage that I had to attend to."
"Is that what you call me?" a sultry female voice questioned from behind the curtain.
The Real Sidekick's eyes widened slightly as the male authors in the room started chuckling amongst themselves and the women just rolled their eyes. In some parts of the room, you could hear the word "Pig" said. However, most attributed it to the trio's continuing fight and it did look like the three were winning.
Ignoring the 'woman' behind the curtain, TRS cleared his throat and said, "Cliffhangers invoke many feelings in the reader. They are without a doubt the deadliest weapon in an author's arsenal," he started walking along the stage so he could address the entire audience. "A well placed and well written cliffhanger will ensure that you have an audience for your next chapter. A poorly used cliffhanger will result in flaming and hate mail from all your readers."
TRS paused and squinted into the light, "Behind you Ran."
SMACK
"Thank you," came the reply from the back of the theater.
"No problem," TRS paused and started again, "When an author uses-"
"Just give the award and get back here," the woman interrupted from her place in the curtain.
TRS shot a glance at the woman waiting in the wing and whispered loudly, "Shut up Scarlet. I'm giving my introduction to this category."
"Well I'm bored," Scarlet protested loudly, "So hurry up."
"Fine," The Real Sidekick answered crossly as he fished into his back pocket, "I'll just read off the nominations…as soon as I can find them." He started patting down all his pockets in an effort to locate the missing envelope with the nominations on them.
"Looking for something?" Scarlet asked seductively as a beautifully sculpted arm extended from the curtain's edge.
"How?" he asked in bewilderment.
"Oh, I pulled it out of your pocket when your pants were on the floor," she replied.
TRS blushed as he made a grab for it and succeeded in grabbing it away from the Succubus.
Turning back to the chuckling audience, he cleared his throat and looked around sheepishly, "She talks a good game, what can I say? The nominees for the Best Cliffhanger at the End of A Chapter are…"
The Real Sidekick's The Art Of Disguise
"You can drop the act now," Bonnie called out, bringing a confused look to everyone present. Well, all except one.
"Thanks Bonnie, it took you long enough though," Zita said as she dropped her hands and started walking towards Bonnie.
Bonnie smiled and holstered her weapon before putting her hands up in mock defense, "Well, we had to put on a good show. Now, do you have the list?"
Zita held up one finger to signal wait and walked back to the still steaming GTO. Pulling her laptop from the back seat, she walked up to Bonnie and opened the screen. On the screen rested the entire list, recently decrypted and on display for the whole world to see.
"Now to seal my end," Zita started as she pushed the delete button. The computer chugged for a second as the file was deleted, but within several seconds, the message Files deleted, appeared on screen
Shutting down the laptop, Zita spoke, "Your turn."
Nodding, Bonnie signaled to the guards who grabbed Mrs. Flores and brought her to Zita's side. "You two can go now and thanks for your help Zita," Zita turned to leave, but Bonnie called out, "Oh and Zita, report to GJ tonight at 8:00. Clear?"
"Clear," Zita nodded before walking off with her mom.
As she passed the trio still standing in middle of the road with their arms still raised, Zita turned to Ron, "What? Did you honestly expect me to help you out?" her tone shifted from genuine confusion to homicidal rage, "You ignored me, you lied to me and you left me for this red headed perra," she spat at his feet, "You honestly expect me to open my casa to you as if nothing happened? Please."
Zita turned and walked away with her mother as Bonnie seductively walked forward.
Seeing the look on Ron's face, she smiled, "She's one of the best agents we have Ronnie-poo. Other than me of course," Bonnie draped her arms around Ron while throwing Kim a look.
With her lips hovering centimeters over Ron's skin, Bonnie whispered just loud enough for the prisoners to hear, "Now…I have my two least favorite people in the world and their oriental bitch in my possession, what to do, what to do…" Bonnie pulled away and walked towards Kim. Nearing her rival, she smiled wickedly as she pulled out her pistol and pressed it against Kim's cheek.
"No, you can't kill us, we have to be brought in for trial," Kim said, sweating profusely as the cold steel pressed against her chin.
"Will said that we need Stoppable in one piece, and even then he was kinda hazy on that. From what I gathered, it's suggested, but not required that I bring in Stoppable alive. Although, I'm pretty sure that the guards here will all back me up when I say that you two and the Japanese girl were shot while escaping," she turned to the guards, "Right?"
A chuckle went up from the guards as they answered, "Yes Miss Rockwaller."
"See K," Bonne turned back to face Kim, gun still pressed against her cheek, "I won, you lost, and now," she pulled back the hammer of the pistol, "I'm going to kill you all."
TRS looked pretty smug with himself, "I wrote that," he explained, "And my first story too, be sure to check it out." A clearing of the throat from the back of the theatre got the Real Sidekick moving again, "The next nominee is…"
Gray Cardinal's I Suppose This Means They Read the Fanfic
There was a click so soft that Rufus barely heard it, and abruptly, a small black tube was pointing at his nose from inside one of Mell's sleeves. He froze.
"Better think twice about that," Mell told Shego calmly. "This is only a three-hundred watt pulse laser – but that's good enough to fry your little pink friend here. Not to mention whatever's in that bag. Which is humming, by the way."
"He – it – isn't my—"
Before Shego could finish the sentence, Kim's voice cut in, sounding desperate. "Nobody fries Rufus, okay? And especially, nobody blows up the . . . ." She trailed off.
Without so much as twitching her wrist-mounted laser, Mell tilted her head upward. "Blows up the what? Do tell."
"I . . . can't," said Kim, not at all convincingly. "I don't have the faintest idea what Mom had in that bag."
"Yes, you do," Mell said cheerily. "Now tell me – unless you like your mole rats extra crispy, that is."
Shego spoke next. "Better answer, princess. Kaboom Girl here doesn't mess around."
Kim sighed audibly. "Wade called it a PANIC projector – something to do with parallel universes and dual quantum states. I – didn't get all the specifics."
"PANIC," Mell said thoughtfully. "Dual quantum states. Probably – amp down the plasma there, night-light girl – for booting unappreciated guests out of neighboring universes. Am I right?"
There were several awkward moments of silence. "I'll take that as a yes," said Mell, looking amused. "So what happens if I blow it up? Something spectacular, I bet."
One of Rufus's few weaknesses – aside from cheese – was the irresistible impulse to cap a sufficiently apt straight line, and Mell had inadvertently given him one. "Gluglugluglugluglugshhhllloooooopp!" he said, simulating a bathtub drain for the second time that day.
Mell eyed him, impressed. "Black hole, huh? Maybe total collapse of the immediate multiverse?" Reluctantly, Rufus nodded.
"Well, then," said Mell Kelly, very carefully levering herself to her feet one-handed, her wrist laser wavering not so much as a millimeter from its focus on Rufus's nose as she did so, "everyone had better do exactly as I say, hadn't they? Unless you really want to find out what black holes look like from the inside."
"You can't let her –"
"We have to, Ron," came Kim's voice, sounding resigned. "It's too dangerous not to."
"She's right, Stoppable," Shego put in, "and you have to know how much I hate saying that. Can't have world domination without a world to dominate, you know?"
"Perfect," Mell said, reaching into yet another pocket with her free hand and producing two pairs of black and silver shackles. "So, Kimmy, if you'll just cuff Shego's wrists behind her for me? No – that set's to hobble her ankles; give me some credit."
Kim sighed. "This is so wrong – in a very wrong way, if that makes any sense."
"I hear you, princess," said Shego as the restraints clicked shut. "It's – embarrassing."
Mell gave Shego a disgusted look. "No less embarrassing than reading incredibly kinky porn about goinking your boss, your boss's mom, and a gerbil all at practically the same time," she said dryly.
"Eeeeuuuwwww!!" said Kim and Ron simultaneously, followed in the next breath by "Too much information!", and in the breath after that by "Jinx, you owe me a soda!"
Shego simply glared. "I refuse to be guilt-tripped by a comic strip character with wimpy taste in fanfic. Now if Princess here wants to pile it on, fine – she's got the right. It is my fault her mother got evaporated. But it's not my fault that my made-up Mell turns out to have a way twistier imagination than yours." The expression on Shego's face looked oddly . . . drained, Rufus decided.
"So not the right moment," Kim said in a dry, tightly wound voice. "If we somehow come out of this in the same universe – we'll talk. Unless I decide to pound you into Silly Putty."
"We come out of this in the same universe . . . Kim," replied Shego, "I may just let you."
"Oh, spare me," Mell cut in. "Enough with the tea and sympathy already. Besides, it's not like-"
Two voices interrupted at once; one was Ron's. "Weird. It's not—"
The other came from behind Rufus, as a certain red-furred gerbil poked its head out of the sports bag. "What's going on out--?"
For a split second, reality seemed to freeze-frame, as six faces registered six different flavors of shock.
Then Mell's wrist laser went off.
"Hmm," TRS remarked, "the interior of a black hole, looks like I'll have to check up on this story…Anyway our third and final nominee and the only KiGo in this category is…"
A. Markov's Don't Do Me Any Favors
"Mom?" Kim mumbled, "s'cold."
"Stay still, Kitten." Shego said sternly.
"Sh'go?"
"I'm here hon, we're having a bit of an issue though, so stay still."
"Why don't you tell her the truth?" Dr. Director asked. "Why don't you tell her you're going to die in a few seconds and she's going to die with you?"
"Chief?" Kim asked fearfully. "You're dead! I saw you die!" a hysterical note crept into her voice. Shego could sense frantic movement behind her, like Kim was climbing up the chair or maybe burrowing into it, the pale woman kept her eyes steadily focused on the finger stroking the trigger of the gun.
"You tried to kill me, Kimmie," she spat the name out, "but I survived and I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not giving you that chance."
"I saw you die!" the panic-stricken red head continued, "The man kept hitting you with a stick… over and over… He killed you with a stick…"
"What man?"
"The man at the school… He killed you with a stick… you're dead… I saw it. You're dead."
"YOU LIE!" The brown haired woman yelled and her finger relaxed from the trigger for a split second but that was all the time Shego needed. A concentrated blast of hot plasma engulfed the Director's gun and hands; her yell turned into a scream of pain. The pale thief closed the distance in an instant and chopped down on the older woman's arm, knocking the gun to the floor. The Director recovered quickly and attacked the pale woman. Shego recognized the looping gymnastic style that her kitten used but it was more refined and definitely more deadly. Fortunately, the burnt hands and close confines of the hospital room hampered her brown haired assailant.
Shego saw in Dr. Director the potential that Kim could achieve and realized she would have to end the fight soon or be overwhelmed. The same improvisational skills that the little red head employed were used to full advantage by the maniacal killer Shego found herself squared off against. So far, her superior strength was saving her but she had expended a lot of energy getting into this room and was starting to feel the effects of that.
"you're dead… I saw you die… you're dead…" Kim continued to mumble.
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" The uninjured agent had picked up the gun and was pointing it at Kim. Shego's stomach fell and a pain having nothing to do with combat shot through her chest. She couldn't breathe, after all this, some idiot punk of a government stooge agent was going to kill her kitten! She leapt.
He pulled the trigger.
The Real Sidekick stood poised in the center of the theatre, fully expecting a resolution. Not getting one he yelled in frustration, "NOOO!! I hate Cliffhangers! Ugh, it's just like an episode of 24…or LOST, always cliffhangers."
Getting some confirming nods from people, TRS continued, "And the Winner for The Best Cliffhanger is…"
He opened the envelope, "Oh I did not see this one coming…It's "The Art Of Disguise" By the Real Sidekick. My own story won! How did this happen?"
Clutching at the Spiny Norman presented to him, The Real Sidekick gushed, "Ohh, this is the happiest day of my life!" he paused and took on more serious demeanor, "An author winning in their own category…haven't seen this happen at all today."
Seeing the King in Yellow returning from his battle TRS nodded and turned to the audience one last time, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go steal my soul back from Scarlet. 'Night all and try not to drink the water in the lobby. Scarlet says it tastes weird."
With that, he moved behind the curtain at the back of the stage and audience members could hear the sounds of a scuffle slowly retreating into the depths of the theatre.
As the King returned to the stage, JA leaned over to the Captain a second time and whispered, "He'd really better not try anything like that at the Fannies."