Chapter 5- Goodbye Again.
The subtle sounds of the clan starting the day woke Aithne. She could hear the soft thunk of wood as fires were built, the crackle and pop of flames on damp wood, the clink of breakfast preparations. Snuggling deeper in her blankets she felt Zevran's presence even through the folds of both their bedrolls. Feeling safe, warm and content she decided that for once she could sleep in.
Sometime later she awoke to a soft kiss on her brow. "Wake up, my Grey Warden." She had rolled over in her sleep and was now facing Zevran. "Your Keeper has been up for some time and has stopped to check on us twice. I fear we must either get up or join our bedrolls and engage in other activity lest my reputation be tarnished."
"You're impossible Zev." She rolled out of her blankets and stood, "ugh, it's cold this morning."
"I could fix that you know." Eyes twinkling he reached for her.
Brushing him aside she reached for the wool garments she had discarded the night before in favor of the soft linen shirt she usually slept in. Pulling on the warm clothes provoked thoughts of the advancing winter. "We should go today; it is already late in the year to be traveling into the mountains. A heavy snowstorm could close the pass." Slipping on her boots and gathering her cloak she headed out of the tent.
It was still early morning, the sun just barely over the horizon, the frost covered trees glittering in its bright rays. Aithne stretched arms above her head and watched the plumes of her breath condense in the icy air. The weather had definitely gotten colder during the night.
Approaching the main fire her old friend Fenarel proffered steaming mugs of tea. "Aneth ara. I did not get a chance to speak with you last night." Piling plates with hot breakfast cakes filled with berries and covered in honey he served them breakfast as well. "I never said goodbye when you left. I was upset that you did not take me with you when you searched for Tamlen. I'm glad you came back."
"Fenarel, I was so afraid of losing anyone else, I would not even have taken Merrill if the Keeper had not insisted. Later Duncan told me I was lucky to have survived at all, tainted as I was." Green eyes soft with reminiscence she continued. "It was too late for Tamlen when Duncan did not find him with me at the first."
"You gave up on him, that's what happened." Rill stalked up to the group by the fire. "Saved yourself instead of searching until you found him."
"Rill, he was my friend too. I would have given my life if that would have saved him. It was just too late." Aithne understood some of the hostility he directed at her. She had blamed herself for a long time — for not going back to find the Keeper when they first found the cave, for letting Tamlen touch the mirror, for not searching until they found him — however long it took. It was not until she had spoken about it with Relgar, the Warden Commander from Orlais that she had finally understood that it had been too late when he was not found immediately. They had been surprised that the Keeper had been able to contain her taint long enough that she was able to undergo the Joining in Ostagar. Normally the even the Joining was not enough to save someone if they had been tainted for more than a few days. It was only with this understanding that she had finally come to terms with Tamlen's death.
"You don't know that, he could still be out there somewhere. His body was never found. You are no better than the shem you whored yourself out to. Don't think we haven't heard the truth of it, you made a spectacle of yourself hanging on him when you helped Zathrian's clan. You have chosen shemlen and spineless city elves over your own people. You are not Dalish!" The venom in Rill's voice froze her. Distantly she felt Zevran leap to his feet.
"Who are you to speak to her like that? Were you racing to raise an army before the Blight overran Ferelden? Did you agonize over whether the choices you made would save or condemn an entire country? Did you stand atop Fort Drakon and fight the Archdemon? Everything she has done has been to save you, to save all of Ferelden and all you can do is condemn her! I have had enough of you. It is you who are a coward. Where were you when she had to put an end to the twisted, evil thing your precious Tamlen had become?" Zevran glared up at the taller Dalish elf waiting for the clansman to make his move.
"No! I will not have this." The imminent fight stirred Aithne to action. Normally Zevran would have defused the situation with a few suggestive comments. What was wrong with him? Placing herself between the two she broke the tableau. "Rill, what I have chosen to do is none of your business. I am sorry that you lost your family to shemlen, but they are not all like that. Tamlen," old grief choked her, "I could not leave him as he was…"
"Wait," Fenarel broke in, "you found Tamlen when, where? What happened?"
"Please sit, all of you." Noticing the gathering crowd Aithne sunk heavily to the bench. She glared at Rill who remained standing defiantly until he too sat.
"It was after we had helped Zathrian's clan and were heading back to Redcliffe to join Arl Eamon and support Alistair's claim at the Landsmeet. Our camp was attacked one night by shrieks — the horrific spawn of an elvish broodmother. We defeated the shrieks and were cleaning up the mess when another darkspawn appeared." Lost in the memory she was drawn back to the shock of what she found. "I ran to stop it but…it was Tamlen. He was twisted, corrupted...but he still knew me, begged me to kill him. I hesitated and the taint drove him to attack. I had no choice…my blade ended his suffering." Chin raised she waited for her clan's judgment.
"So you killed him. I was right, you are a traitor to your people. I cannot sit here and listen to this." Rill spat as he stormed off.
"Lethallin, why did you not tell us last night?" Fenarel sounded hurt and confused. Clan bonds were strong. He did not understand why she would withhold this.
"I had planned to…, when it came time I just couldn't. What he had become was not Tamlen. The darkspawn taint twists things to its own purpose." She struggled to explain. "He truly died when he was lost too us, long before I encountered his body that night. I was ashamed to dishonor his memory with the darkness that consumed him. Remember him as he was, a Dalish hunter, one with the land."
"But you survived, you have not become one of the tainted creatures." Fenarel accused.
"Yes I survived. I have the Keeper to thank. Without her I would not have lived to undergo the Joining. You must understand becoming a Grey Warden does not remove the taint, it merely delays it. All Grey Wardens eventually succumb, most choose to die in battle rather than let the taint destroy them. Had Tamlen been found in the first few days, before the taint had progressed, he might have had a chance. But nothing is certain…" visions of Daveth, Jory and recruits since flashed through her mind.
"We searched for Tamlen until I thought we would both fall from exhaustion, even though the shem said he would not be found. Do not blame Aithne for not finding him. I was there as well." Merrill pushed her way to the fire. "This was all settled years ago, do not let Rill's bitterness open old wounds. Please, Aithne, Zevran accept my apologies. You have both done a great service to all the people of Ferelden, I am ashamed to see you treated this way."
"Abelas. What Merrill says is true. I apologize for my hasty words. Will you forgive me Aithne?" Fenarel waited for response.
"There is nothing to forgive." Aithne gave her old friend a quick embrace. "I do not wish to spoil the day for everyone with old regrets." They finished their breakfast, camaraderie somewhat restored by Merrill's timely intervention. If there was a little stiffness to Aithne's features or if her clansmen were a little more reserved than previously no mention was made of it.
Helping Fenarel clean up after they had finished eating Aithne finally confronted him with her thoughts. "Rill has changed a lot. He withdrew after he lost his family but he was never this bitter when he was hunting with Tamlen and I."
"I believe that is the root of the problem. When you three were together he had a family again. After Tamlen was lost and you left Rill never really fit in anywhere. He spends his time hunting alone or with Laran who does not question him. He has gotten worse since we visited the Dalish lands near Ostagar and heard rumors," Fenarel had the grace to blush, "that you were involved with the shemlen king."
"Alistair is a good man, the clan could do worse than trust him. Rothana, his queen is expecting his heir this spring." Aithne dodged the implicit question with only a pang of regret. The past weeks had given her perspective, she had given him up years ago, leaving had finally allowed the wound to heal. Not that she did not still love him, she always would. Now her love was colored with insight, it had been a first love, an idyllic and impossible love.
"Whether the rumors are true or not," Fenarel's appraisal was skeptical, "it is still hard for him to see you here, alive and with a city elf."
"What does Zevran have to do with it?" She eyed her companion who was feigning disinterest in the conversation.
"That is for Rill to answer. Perhaps you should talk to him, it might make things worse, but it may help him too. It has been a strain on the whole clan for him to separate himself like this. Just be careful, he has become rather volatile."
Sighing Aithne stood, it had seemed like such a lovely day when she had left the keeper's tent. "I'll speak to him." Her keen eyes spotted the tall, dark haired elf as he slung a pack on his shoulder. "Fen'Harel's dirty hide." Muttering under her breath she hurried to catch up with the departing hunter.
"Rill, stop I need to talk to you." Scowling he continued to walk away. "Damn it Rill, you condemn me without even listening." Aithne grabbed his arm and spun him around. "You have been rude and judgmental since I arrived. I did not leave the clan to hurt you. I did not abandon Tamlen. I know you have lost much in your life but this is not the way of a Dalish warrior, not Vir Tanadhal.
"Do not speak to me of Vir Tanadhal, you who are no more than a shem with pointy ears. You left our clan to help murdering shemlen. You defiled yourself with a human and now a dirty city elf, how many have you spread your legs for?" Raw anger dripped from his words and sizzled across Aithne's nerves.
"You go to far dog." Zevran was there, pushing Aithne aside. "Draw your weapons. You will eat those words." Daggers hissing out of their sheaths he settled into a fighting stance.
"My pleasure. Tell me, do you enjoy being a slave to the humans, receiving only their leftovers?" Rill's nod clearly indicated he was referring to Aithne as he too drew daggers.
Rill's barbs stung but Zevran was too much the professional to let them sink in. With a few brief feints he had the measure of his opponent. The taller elf, although skilled was no match for a trained Crow assassin. Luring his opponent in with a tempting hole in his defense he neatly sidestepped the attack and with a twist of his wrist sent one of Rill's daggers flying. Rill's second dagger followed the first as Zevran tripped him and calmly twisted his arm behind his back. Dagger at the Dalish elf's throat he hissed. "Do not speak of her that way. Aithne has more honor in her little finger than you do in your whole body. If it were up to me I would end your miserable little life."
"Rill, what is wrong with you? Zevran and I have done nothing to you. Had I stayed I could have contaminated the whole clan with the darkspawn taint. Is that what you wanted?" Aithne interrogated her old friend astonished and horrified by his behavior.
"It would have been better than joining the shemlen. Have you forgotten our history? You demean yourself by association with the shem and their pawns."
She looked at the beaten elf with disgust. "I thought I knew you Rill. I was wrong. Let him go Zev, he's not worth the trouble."
"Aithne, I loved you, the thought of you soiling yourself with a shem after all they have done to us… You should be here with your clan, bearing Dalish children, not sullying yourself with others. Stay with us."
"Your hatred has blinded you to reason. Goodbye Rill." Aithne turned away, another friend lost, this time not to battle but to prejudice.
Silently they returned to the Marethari's tent to pack their belongings. The confrontation with Rill had been witnessed by much of the clan, it was time to move on.
The old Keeper made no move to interfere. The repercussions of their visit would be felt in the clan for a long time, for good or ill she did not know. When they had readied their mounts and said their goodbyes she was the last to approach. "Here are a few things you left before. I thought you might wish to have them now." She proffered a small pouch to Aithne. "May Andruil and Dirthamen watch over you, I fear you will need their guidance and the protection of all the gods."
"Ma serannas Keeper. May the Gods watch over you." Aithne gave Marethari a hug before swinging onto her horse.
Marethari watched them go two elves Dalish and city, united with the shemlen and wondered.
Apologies again for the long delay, work and my beta's busy schedule have conspired to keep this chapter unposted. I hope to have the next few chapters out a little more quickly, although there will be a delay when "Awakening" comes out.
Huge thanks to my beta Tarante11a who is a much more skilled wordsmith than I.
Thanks also to the folks who post on the Dragon Age wiki - they have compiled a collection of lore and language that is very useful.
As always I own nothing and give my thanks to the folks at Bioware for creating such a compelling world.