Round 1: Touchdown Family v. Team Dai-Gurren (An Ordinary Fan)

Jeane Touchdown woke up and stretched like a cat. It was the little things that people like Travis overlooked, that unexpected pulled muscle mid combat that was fatal. Being virtually the only assassin in the UAA who actually assassinated people, as opposed to kicking down doors and slaughtering everything in the building, she tried to keep the these things in mind, and what with being chained in hell for months, she was more than a little rusty. Her eyes, red tinged from years of darkness, swept the room. Empty. Good.

Today's round one, huh? Hope we're up for it.

Stretch routine complete, she opened the door to the lounge and waited. Henry was up first, which was probably a good thing. Any conversation with Travis was liable to become awkward quickly. When he did join them, the interlude was mercifully short before the envelope was slid under the door.

Henry picked it up. "We're due in Metropolis paintball grounds at 3pm.'

"Pretty late. Think the other teams are already there?" Jeane.

"Or they're all in different places."

"I'll head over take a look. You two come find me when it's close to time."

"Great! I'll bring pizzas!" Travis.

They parted ways without further dialogue, minimising the opportunities for undue familial friction. The repair bill for the hotel just wouldn't be worth it.

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Shit, it feels good to be alive. Travis stalked through Metropolis's streets, somewhat humiliatingly taking joy in just having a body. He wondered how long it'd take for the novelty to wear off.

Walking felt good, but he was really missing the Schpeltiger. If his memories could be trusted, it was scrap metal somewhere on Grand Cross Island. Shame, that.

After a while spent just walking, he stepped into a Metropolis chain of Pizza Batt. He'd been surprised to see it, he'd thought the chain exclusive to Santa Destroy, but it'd apparently expanded while he'd been dead. The Metropolis Branch apparently wasn't doing too well, though, cracked tiles and one tired looking manager trying to sweep the floor. He laboured over to the counter as Travis approached.

"Hey. I need three 13'' pizzas, as soon as you can."

The manager sighed. "I'd like to help you, I would, but...well, my two chefs have joined a death cult. They haven't been in in weeks."

Travis blinked. "Never heard that one before. What kind of cult?"

"The kind that kills people. They worship some freaky chocolate dude."

"Chocolate, huh? Tell you what, I'll go talk to them, maybe I'll convince em to come back, at least for a while."

The Manager laughed. "Good luck. Get me the guys back, I'll give you the pizzas on me."

"I'll hold you to that. Where would they be?"

"An alley three blocks down."

"Fuck, they don't even move around?"

"Never said they were good cultists. Now go get em."

An alley three blocks down...

"Dude, I wouldn't go in there..."

Travis ignored the Good Samaritan, strolled into the alley, and punched the nearest brown robed guy in the nose. The other three blinked, sheathing brown weapons and drawing two guns and a beam katana. Travis took a step back.

"Guys, you're OCs that exist only so I can benefit from looting your corpses. Give it up, seriously."

Katana lunged, forcing the assassin to take a further step back, then forward, kicking a kneecap, which cracked. The beam katana dropped from his hands. Travis scooped it up.

"Blood Berry, huh? Basic model, guess it'll do. Now, guys, stop it. This chapter has a fucking word limit you know."

The cultists lowered their weapons.

"Good. Now, you the guys work at Pizza Batt?"

Nods.

"Get back there now, your boss' looking for you."

Ten minutes later...

Loaded down with a good twelve complementary pizzas, Travis was about to leave when the manager caught up to him.

"Thanks a lot, I mean it...Travis."

"You know me, huh?"

"Oh, sure. The President has a standing order to kill you if you walk into a Pizza Batt establishment." He pointed to a notice on the wall. A picture of one Travis Touchdown 'Wanted...Dead.' "But I was feeling depressed about the ultimate futility of existence, so I didn't bother. Anyway, now I owe you one, so be careful."

"Still owe me, huh? Got a bike I can borrow?"

Metropolis paintball grounds...

"So, the thing you've got know about my brothers is, they hate making a scene. They always go for the low key entrance, you'll never see them coming."

Elan the Bard nodded. "I'll try to remember that. (Heehee, she'll never guess I'm spying). I don't like my brother much either. He's, well, a little evil."

"I never said I didn't like them...the, uh, family history is complicated."

Elan patted her shoulder.

"Don't touch me."

"Elan! What have I told you about strange women?" Jeane looked up. A girl with long orange hair came over and took the bard's hand.

"They're out to get me..."

"That's right! Hi, I'm Haley."

Wiry, muscled forearms. Lightly dressed. Agility and Stealth. Hmm. "Jeane."

"She's a rogue. Steals stuff. You ought to meet the others. There's Roy, he's our leader, and our main fighter. Then there's-"

"Elan! Come here, now!"

That's fine. We're not fighting you today.

A beam katana crackled into life.

"Something wrong, folks?"

"Wow, you're right, that was low key."

"Elan, we're done for today, let's go."

Jeane looked at her brother. "What, no jumping from the sky today?"

"Flight restrictions. Thought I'd save the energy."

Despair, the end of the world.

"I wouldn't worry, though."

I hear the Rising Phoenix in my dream.

"I thought that song was copyrighted."

"Ssh!"

The gates of the compound were thrown inwards under the weight of the bike, literally shattering under its weight. Travis Touchdown landed on his feet as the bike exploded in his wake, beam katana in one hand, stack of pizzas in the other, framed by fire.

"What, am I late?"

Metropolis TV station...

"$1,000 to the one who brings me that shot!"

"It's too late, sir. The nearest cameras either don't have it clean or were destroyed."

"We've got a Time-Streamer in the city, don't we?"

"Sir, are you sure that's wise?"

"Of course not, but when the fuck has that ever mattered?"

Paintball Grounds...

Viral leaned against the fence.

"Hah, quite an entrance. I think I'll sit this one out."

Kamina stood up, half drawing the katana. "You're just going to let us do your work for you?"

"Why not? Show me it was worth my effort bringing you all here. Or are all you naked apes as pathetic as you look?"

Kamina fully drew his sword, Viral took a stance.

"You think we're just toys? I'll show you exactly what I'm capable of!"

Pointed teeth glinted.

"If you like. Prove me right."

Kamina growled, stepping forward.

Yoko's hand touched his shoulder. "Kamina."

"What?"

"You trust Viral to guard your back?"

"Uh..."

"Over me? Over Simon?"

"...Uhm...no, but..."

"It's like you said. Let's show him what humans can do...What do you think, Simon?"

"...It's so strange... a city of humans, above ground. No-one's afraid of Beastman, people are walking around without a care. And we're here...fighting humans. Why? What are we doing?"

"To get home."

"I guess...but...I don't know if we should..."

"Simon...we're going to need Lagann. Let's just get this over with so we can go home."

His face firmed. "Okay...let's do this. What do you think those other humans are like?"

"I was talking to one of them earlier. Seem nice enough."

...Nice...

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"Ok then. Who's been up so far, Jeane?"

"Chibi dragons v. Hired killers, Successful rockband v. aliens and some American guy, Elementary school kid and his pets against three grown men, and a group of cosplayers against...some kind of sponge and a ghost. We're up against...Um, Team Dai-Gurren."

"Sounds Anime-ey. Cool!"

"The fourteen year old has a drill-robot. His friend uses a katana, and the dude with pointy teeth's a soldier. He could be a problem. They also have a team pet and a mechanic. Travis, you're up top with the sniper girl. Henry, if the mech is in play, you take it, I'll take whoever else is on us. Questions?"

"Yeah. Why are you doing the planning?"

"Because I'm the only member of this team who canonically does any planning. Happy?"

"I guess."

"Yoko! There's someone I'd like you to meet!"

"Who?"

Yoko approached. Her unique brand of dress immediately caught Travis' attention, and he walked to meet her.

Henry glanced at her. "Nice of you."

Shrug. "He needs something to take his mind off me, and she'll do nicely. I've been watching them, there's some weird team dynamic going on. She likes the one with the tattoo, but kid with the robot is hanging on to a crush. Travis is used to denials, but this is going to throw all of them off their game."

He looked at her again, something new in his eyes this time. "Smooth."

"I know how this works, Henry. You remember, right?"

"...That clerk? Yeah. Almost time now..."

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"Okay, folks, now I want a nice clean fight...Oh, who am I kidding, go nuts! I've done this four times already today, you know the drill. Everyone ready?"

In their individual corners, Jeane, Henry, Kamina, and Simon tensed.

"3...2...1...Showtime!"

Inside his machine, Simon instantly dove underground, out of vision from either attacker. Jeane snapped her head aside from Yoko's hello (Headshot? Was that just habit?) slipped sideways into the trench, and began running along it towards Kamina's corner. He ran to meet her.

"Kamina, right?" She ducked under a diagonal slash, slid around it, and jabbed at his shoulder. The swift block surprised her, but she batted aside his counter, and backed up a step, right arm extended straight towards her opponent, left raised behind her head.

Denied the opportunity to say 'Who the hell do you think I am', Kamina growled and swung. Jeane took a sharp step back, barely clearing the tip of the sword, and ducked down to drive her fist into the ground, resulting in vibrations in her immediate vicinity. Kamina missed a step, staggering to one knee. Jeane stepped in for the kill, remembered the rules and hesitated. Kamina regained his feet. The assassin ducked under the katana, and stepped directly into to the brick in his other hand. Four of Jeane 's teeth bounced off the side of the trench. Seizing the offending hand, she swung her feet up and drove both into his shoulders. Kamina staggered back, grunting in pain. He lost the brick.

Underground...

Simon looked up.

"Bro...I won't let you down. Not now, not ever."

Above...

Travis ducked and rolled, Blood Berry crackling into being to take Yoko's next shot, but it knocked him back a step. Stepping forward again, he shook the hilt, brightening it to take the follow up. Sidestepping, he found himself at the corner of the arena, Yoko's silhouette reaching his vision dimly from the exact opposite corner. There was no easy way to reach her.

"Y'know what? Fuck this!" He stepped off the platform.

Ground Level...

Lagann exploded from the side of the trench, tipping Kamina and Jeane in opposite directions.

"Are you okay, bro?" The giant mechanical head said, spinning to face the assassin.

Kamina regained his feet.

"I'm fine. Watch ou−"

Henry landed on Lagann's roof, his katana scarring, but not breaching the shutters. Simon spun and dived, forcing the (allegedly) Irish assassin to jump clear. Somersaulting aside as Lagann again burst up under his feet, Henry swept the katana down the machine's side, doing only very light damage. Behind them, Jeane faced the leader of the Dai-Gurren brigade again, wiping her mouth.

"No giving up?"

"I'm not the one who's bleeding. If you were a man you'd understand."

Jeane smiled bloodily. "I understand a lot. I've been hurt before, although most of them wanted to make sure I was still pretty afterwards."

"Looks like...they failed."

The assassin shrugged. "I've known people who would disagree. Anyway, let's−" She'd been still too long. Yoko's bullet hissed over Kamina's shoulder and punched through Jeane's left foot. Her leg folded. Kamina took a step forward, raising his katana, and then stepped back as Travis, who had been running down the trench after his jump, met his attack. Steel katana met energy blade with a crackle, until Jeane rolled over and pulled the brigade leader's ankle, causing him to fall backwards. Travis stepped up, energy blade searing skin from the downed man's throat, picked up the katana, and tossed the metal bladed weapon aside. A bullet brushed his shoulder.

"Ow!"

"Go help Henry. I've got this." Jeane half stood, wincing. She wrapped an arm around Kamina's neck, pulling him up between herself and Yoko's position.

"You're taking me hostage? Just who the hell do you think I am?" His elbow bruised her cheek, as he stamped hard, and in general made a difficult human shield.

"I don't really care. Hey, Yoko!" She took a step forward, limping heavily. Kaminea tried to take the opportunity to break her legs, but she forced him to his knees. "Come down from there!"

"Why should I?" A bullet nicked Jeane's left ear.

"Because I believe in reciprocity! Eye for eye, tooth for tooth!" She closed one hand on her hostage's throat, beginning to choke him unconscious, then prised open his jaw.

"Hey hey, no maiming!" This from a very slightly interested Deadpool.

"This? This's just cosmetic damage, he'll be fine!"

"...fair enough."

"Bro!" Simon, in his machine.

"What are you going to do, Simon? Drill through me, and not tear apart your friend too?"

"Simon! You don't achieve anything by backing down! Go for it! I'll be fine."

With considerable effort Jeane yanked out Kamina's left upper incisor. He grunted but didn't scream. Yoko and Simon did, however.

"Jeane...what are you doing?" Jeane didn't turn.

"Ending this quickly. This's only the first round, remember."

"But, seriously, this's−"

"Go help Henry!"

"He says he works better alone."

"The go cut down the platform, bring Yoko down here! Move."

"Okay, but I don't like this..."

"Duly noted. Ok, here's tooth number two." Reach...grab, pull. Molar. "Oooh, nice teeth. Healthy. Maybe I'll auction them."

Inside Lagann...

That's my bro out there, she's tearing out his teeth. What am I going to do? What? How? What can I do? What can I do? I can't believe this! Viral, you'd probably stab him in the back, but you wouldn't just let this happen! What can I do? I'm so... weak, so helpless.

Power began to drain away from the gauge. Driving Lagann hard at Henry, the mech tore through a brick wall, but the assassin jumped over the machine's charge, swiping at Lagann's left leg, sparks arising from the area of impact. A drill burst from Lagann's right wrist, crossing the beam katana with a crackle. Robot and assassin drew back without either gaining a result.

"Mind if I ask you something?"

"What?"

"How is your mech supposed to be non-lethal? If I hesitate for a second I'll be cut in half."

Simon hesitated.

I'm going to kill someone...a human, for no reason. He's not threatening our villages, this's just a tournament. Once it's over, we can go home, why do we need to win? Why are we going to lose Bro's teeth, for the sake of a game?

The Spiral Gauge's drain accelerated.

Outside...

"Tooth number three, folks! There's thirty more of these, I can keep going. What's it to be?"

"OK! OK! I'm coming down!" Yoko stepped off the platform, shouldering the rifle as she hit the ground. She advanced, weapon levelled.

Inside...

Yoko gave up. I can't handle this on my own.

The gauge continued to spiral inwards. And then , suddenly, Lagann died.

Outside...

"Kamina...How are you feeling?"

"I'm the leader of the Dai-Gurren brigade, of course I'm fine!"

"I'm glad...you're okay."

"...Thanks."

Lagann's shutters opened. "I surrender, just stop hurting my bro!"

Deadpool shrugged. "It's your call. Since Yoko's down, I guess it's victory to the messed up family tree."

Jeane let go of Kamina and stood back. "Fine."

"Not quite." Yoko took a step forward, her gun barrel levelled at Jeane's throat. "What stops me from killing you now?"

"You'll be disqualified."

"My team was brought here by force. I don't care if we win or not."

"Fine."

"No arguments?"

"None that you'd accept. Do it."

Her finger began to tighten on the trigger. A buzz, before a beam katana removed the hairs from the back of her neck.

"Sorry," Travis said quietly, "but if anyone kills her, it's going to be me."

Yoko sagged. Kamina got up and went to her, leaving Jeane and Travis staring at each other.

"Um...thanks?"

He walked past her to examine Lagann, producing a phone. "I've always wanted one of these...Hey Naomi?...Yeah, it's me. Got a challenge for you..."

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"I'm sorry," Simon said, eyes downcast, "But...I just didn't need my bro to be hurt."

"As I thought. You're all weak, even by pathetic naked ape standards."

Kamina looked up. "Didn't I beat the crap out of you a few times?"

Viral half drew his sword."You'll regret that!"

Yoko crouched, a few strands of red hair brushing Simon's shoulder. "Don't worry. We'll do better next time." If she noticed his blush, she didn't give any sign.

So that's one of my entries. I hope this's ok, sorry if I didn't do justice to my enemies. Good luck to AOF.

'The clerk' is a reference to an event in Jeane's backstory I haven't written yet. Pizzas act the same way as Medi-Packs or Health potions in the No More Heroes games.

Oh, and Lagann's power responds to Simon's emotions. I hope I haven't forgotten something.