CHAPTER 15
Rest assured I will not let you Down

Dean couldn't help but let his mind wander as he shifted the Impala into park, his eyes instantly drawn to the Sigil that was carved right into the leather dash. Though weeks had gone by and work on the car had brought it back to a near pristine shape, the memories of that hellish night were still as vivid as they were sharp, and some of the scars, Dean just wasn't ready to cover up. So despite Bobby's suggestions to reupholster the Impala's leather interior, complimenting its fresh coat of glossy black paint, the strategic cuts in the dash were still there... just like the ones that adorned what was left of the young hunter's soul.

"We just going to sit here all day, or are we actually going to do this?" Sam asked, his voice pulling the other man's attention away from his scattered thoughts. "I told Bobby, Ellen and Jo we'd be back before dark to help them hunt down that Shapeshifer Bobby's been trailing." Dean didn't give him a reply as he cut the engine and took the keys out of the ignition, his eyes drifting out the window to the cemetery they were parked in. Though Sam hated to admit it, Castiel & Gabriel had been right about the aftermath of Dean's deal with Lucifer. The mental anguish was hard to miss and only time would tell if Dean was strong enough to overcome the guilt that was trailing him for sinking back into his old ways. "Hey, you alright?" Sam asked, his tone of voice instantly softening.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Dean quietly replied, finally looking over to catch his younger brother's eyes. "It's just, I use to hate coming here... like really hate being here." He said, pausing for a moment as he struggled to find the right words, thoughts of his mother and the difficult choices she had to make crowding his already troubled mind. "Now that we know more about what happened... more about mom's past, I just regret feeling the way I did."

"Dude just cause you use to hate coming here, it doesn't mean you ever hated..." Sam silenced as he watched his older brother suck in a breath, the tears were threatening to fall again as he talked about the guilt that was slowly eating away at his core. "Look, I think it'll be good for you, you need to get it off your chest." Sam calmly explained.

"Sam, after all the shit I've done..." Dean started, his grip on the steering wheel tightening as he thought of the many souls he'd tortured in Hell; human, angel and demon alike. "I don't even feel like I belong here..." He continued, his eyes closing as flashbacks of a dark past crossed his mind. For a moment, he could have sworn he felt the cold steel of the blade clutched in his right hand.

"If mom was alive, I'm pretty sure she would have forgiven you by now." Sam was quick to reply. "Hell, I'm starting to think she would have done all the same things you did if the fate of mankind was in her hands instead of yours." He paused for only a moment as he watched Dean's gaze drift back to the Sigil in the dash. "I think you're being too hard on yourself, Dean... and the only way you'll get over this is if you talk to her yourself. You just need to say it, I bet you'll feel better after you do."

"I hope you're right." Dean quietly replied, grabbing the dozen roses from the seat between them as he got out of the car. "Because I am sick and tiered of running through every little detail in my head." He continued as he shut the door. When he turned to face his younger brother, he couldn't help but smile slightly as Castiel joined them; the angel keeping a safe distance between himself and the Impala. "You know you can touch the car, right?" He started, watching as Castiel eyed the Impala as if it were a loaded weapon pointed towards him. "That Sigil only worked because Sam was running them over, not because the Archangels were touching the car."

Sam couldn't help but let out a chuckle as Castiel shook his head. "I'd rather not touch it, not after all the damage I've seen it do."

"Cas, if you can hold that gun Dean gave you, then you can touch the car." Sam explained.

"I'd still rather not touch it." The angel replied simply.

Dean cracked a smile as his gaze drifted down to the dozen roses in his hands; Sam's suggestion of an apology for all the times he felt he had disappointed her. "You guys mind hanging back for a minute?" He asked as he caught his younger brother's eyes.

"Not at all, take your time." Sam replied, leaning forward to cross his arms on the roof of the car.

"Careful you don't scratch the paint with that watch..."

Sam pulled away from the Impala before Dean could finish his sentence, the smile creeping up from the corner of his lips as he watched the other man turn away. "Well I'm glad he didn't redo the interior, I'd never be able to sit in the thing..." He muttered under his breath, looking over as he noticed Castiel's smirk. "How's Gabe doing up above?" He asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Everything under control?"

"For the most part, yes." Castiel quietly replied. "They're starting to realize they have no other choice and that Gabriel will not tolerate any disobedience."

"I'm having a hard time picturing Gabriel as Heaven's new bad ass." Sam started, thoughts of the trickster at the helm of Heavens army coming to mind. "You know what else I'm having a hard time with? You being his right hand man and his direct link to us. Sometimes I forget you're an angel, Cas." Sam said with a smile. "But then you miss one of Dean's punch lines and I remember that you're not quite like us."

"I'm not like you and your brother, but I'm not quite like them anymore either." Castiel replied, referring to the angels and archangels under Gabriel's rule as he pulled out the gun Dean had given to him. Though he still carried his own blade, it was the gun in his hands that set him apart from the others above; something he and Gabriel had in common.

"No, you're not like them anymore." Sam agreed, watching as Castiel passed a finger over the Sigil that was engraved in the handle of his gun. "We need to take you out for some more target practice."

"How is shooting beer cans off a fence post considered practice?" Castiel asked, tucking his new weapon of choice away.

"That's how Dad taught us to aim." Sam explained. "By the time Dean's done with you, you'll be able to hit a mark with both eyes closed."

"How is your brother doing?" Castiel quietly asked, watching as Dean walked the rows of headstones in front of them, a bouquet of long stem red roses clutched in his right hand.

Sam let out a sigh as he too turned his attention towards his older brother. "He's doing alright, I guess."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well it's hard to tell how he's doing, Cas." Sam continued. "He feels like he let mom down and I don't think he's forgiven himself for what he did down in Hell."

"In time, I'm sure he will... he's much stronger than I first thought he was." Castiel admitted, his comments pulling the younger man's eyes away from Dean for a moment. "He will find his way through this, showing remorse is a step in the right direction."

When his eyes caught his mother's name on one of the headstones to his left, Dean couldn't help but pause in his steps. The last time he'd been there was when Sam had buried their father's dogtags years ago. Swallowing hard, he made his way over, his grip on the bouquet of roses tightening as he came to a stop in front of her grave. Despite the early morning sun shining bright on his shoulders, he couldn't help but feel like he was standing under the lightning storm that had been centered over Scythe weeks ago. It could have been the guilt of not visiting more often or the circumstances that had brought him there, either way, Dean was beside himself on how he should feel standing in front of his mother's grave.

"Sam thinks he had to twist my arm just to get me to come out here." He quietly started, a nervous smile creeping up from the corner of his lips as he knelt down to place the roses next to her monument. "Truth is, I didn't need much convincing." He continued, putting a hand up against the marble. Feeling the warmth of the sun on the stone reminded him that the storm wasn't raging overhead anymore, now it was raging inside and it was up to him to clear those dark clouds from his troubled mind. "I know this might sound crazy to you, but I've got to tell you, so here goes nothing." He paused for a moment as he sucked in a shallow breath. "Mom if I ever did something, anything, that would have disappoint you, I just want you to know that I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I've done things I know you would have never approved of and I'd by lying if I said that I was proud... because I'm not." He paused again as he passed a hand over his face, quickly wiping away the tears that were threatening to fall. "Sam thinks you would have probably done the same if you were in my place... I'm starting to think that maybe he's right but at the same time, I'm kind of hoping that he's dead wrong. I like to think you were a better person than I am, and that you would have found a better way to deal with all the bullshit the angels put us through. That blade Gabriel gave to you... Well I couldn't even stomach the fact that it belonged to me, because it was an angel's blade."

When Dean took a quick glance across the grave yard at Sam and Castiel waiting by the Impala, he couldn't help but smile through the tears. "Never thought it would all make sense like it does now." He quietly started, thinking of everything he had given up for his little brother, including his soul. "I always looked out for Sammy because it's something I knew I had to do, not just because Dad told me to." He paused for only a moment as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "When I found out that I was actually his Guardian Angel and that looking out for him was something I was born to do, that it was in my blood all along; everything just fell into place. Sam doesn't know this, but when he left for school, I just didn't know what to do with myself... Without him around I just felt so lost, guess it was the Guardian Angel in me that needed him in sight. I know I shouldn't have to worry about him anymore, but just between you and me, I still do and I think that I always will."

Dean closed his eyes for a second as thoughts of his childhood or lack thereof crept into the back of his mind. The memories were always bittersweet, because for every good one, there were two bad. "I also owe Dad an apology... I didn't realize how full his plate was until now." He admitted, his heart sinking a bit as he eyed the monument in front of him, his father's name engraved right there next to his mother's. "Times were hard growing up, but I guess I never really knew how much harder it was for him. I use to think about it, you know, what I would have done differently if I was in his shoes... But I always come up empty handed, I can't imagine how I would have handled it. I mean the man was trying to raise two kids, save lives and not get himself killed in the process. Above all that, he was dealing with the possibility that one of us might have to someday kill the other... It's no wonder the man drank. I wish he would have just told me I was a Guardian Angel, but on the other hand, I think it's best that I didn't know." Though his father wasn't actually buried in the family's plot, the fact that his dogtags were there, was enough to call it his finale resting place. For a hunter, a well marked grave in a public cemetery was simply unheard-of; though his name was there, his ashes weren't. "So Dad if you 're listening, I'm sorry... I didn't know what you had to deal with." He said quietly as he got to his feet and waved Sam and Castiel over to join him. "I just didn't know."

As he turned his attention back to the headstone in front of him, Dean couldn't help but catch a glimpse of the two figures standing in the distance. Gabriel was leaning against a tree, one hand in his pocket and the other holding onto the stick of a sucker in his mouth; while Bela stood to his right, her hand resting on the head of a Hell hound sitting obediently at her side. There just long enough for Dean to notice that they were watching from afar, they were gone in the blink of an eye. While having Heaven's leader and Hell's most feared keep an eye on him was reason to worry in the past, that was no longer case; now it left him with a sense of comfort and security he had never felt before. "I think it's safe to say there's always going to be someone watching over us now." He quietly started, his gaze still fixed on where the pair had been standing only seconds ago. "I've got a few of my own demons to work out but Sam and I, I think we're going to be just fine." He continued, his eyes drifting over as Sam and Castiel approached. "We're going to be just fine." Dean whispered to himself, a smile creeping up from the corner of his lips as he watched his younger brother point something out to the renegade angel walking alongside him.

Hope you enjoyed it.
-Shugs