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Chapter 5
Edward turned out to be an alright person if one could get past fact that he was probably the smuggest person to ever breathe air. He told me all about this side, though, and I recalled it with crystal clear clarity.
"There isn't much to tell." He had said hesitantly.
"I still want to know." I replied enthusiastically, feeling a painful smile crawl across my face, a ball of anticipation wound up in my stomach. He sized me up with his eyes, taking note of my every move, and went on to explain.
"Well, my Dad just tells me these stories but, supposedly, when The Wall went up, it was chaos, and lots of riots. Many people died trying to stay with their loved ones. Fathers died clinging to their wives and children, as many mothers died fighting to stay with their husbands and sons. Unfortunately, many children died, just for being at the wrong place at the wrong time." He stopped and started playing with his fingers. "My mom, I don't know what happened to her. She could be dead, I don't know. My Dad still has nightmares of that night, he misses my mom. Real badly." His hair fell in front of his eyes.
"Sorry." I whispered, absently playing with the heavy metal necklace.
He rolled his eyes. "Well, afterward we found Jasper and Emmett—Jas and Em; they're brothers, but not mine. We found them after The…"
"The End." I repeated; he was surprised to hear we had a name for that day, when I was surprised to learn that they didn't. They just called it That Day.
"The End—it fits. Well, my dad found them alone, and took them in."
"Did you all bond at first sight?" I asked, interested. I had always wanted a sister, but of course it was never meant to be; my mother never went to The Care Center to provide me one.
He laughed boisterously. "No way, in fact, we hated each other those first couple of months." I found myself laughing along with him; peculiar.
"You confuse me." It was meant to come out jokingly, but it came out laced with seriousness.
He quirked an eyebrow. "I confuse you? You leave a swath of destructive puzzlement in your path, and I confuse you?"
I was taken aback. "What do you mean?"
"Well, let's just say you're not what I expected."
"What did you expect?" I rolled my eyes.
"I wasn't sure what I expected, but you were out for about five hours." I winced at the thought. "I could only watch and observe, which wasn't hard because you didn't do much. I spent my time imagining what you could be like. I came up with the wildest scenarios, some completely unrealistic, and others were so embarrassing, that I will never, ever tell you." He sneered; I added mentally that he wouldn't have to wait long, as far as I was concerned, I was leaving as soon as I could figure out how. "While you were out, I made up a completely impossible vision of how our first conversation would go."
"And how is the real first conversation different from the one you conjured up?" Discomfort flickered in his eyes for a fraction of a second before he turned his head away from me, breaking contact.
"Well, you weren't so spastic and dangerous to my health. Oh and you had manners." My jaw dropped at his blunt rudeness.
"You could be nicer." I spat, indignantly.
"Yeah, but then this little chat would be a lot more boring." He smirked at me.
"Touché."
"So what's the women side like?" He pushed, suddenly turning to me with the same immeasurable enthusiasm, as I had. His eyes lit up with childlike excitement, and his lips spread wide over his teeth to form a perfect smile.
I shifted uncomfortably. "Uh it's very, civilized; most people are very nice and polite to one another—"
"And you're positive you are from there?" He interrupted. "Because you just described the opposite of you."
"You really know how to make someone feel good." He was really starting to get on my nerves. "It's not all rainbows and sugar." I added. He leaned forward, trying to get back into the story. He looked at me, like my word was gospel. I was overcome with a sudden wave of disgust.
"What else?" He breathed, it could have been humorous I supposed if this was a work of fiction. He looked at me the way I used to look at the Crazies who lived on the street. I felt a shiver of delight, along with one of sadness. The term Crazies was derogatory; however, it was what they were known as.
As much as I loved their stories, they couldn't find it within them to adjust to a changing world, so they were sick.
A nauseating tornado of powerful self-repugnance whirled within me. I sounded just like my mother.
"You can be sent to jail for just talking of the women's side in a rebellious way."
"Hm… what goes on in there?" He whispered.
"Nobody knows." I replied emotionlessly, seeing a vision of tormented women in my head, lots of blood. "People get thrown in there, their souls strong and proud, and when they come out, if they come out, they are nothing but hollow shells of whom they once were." It seemed like I was telling some horrible story, like I made it up (that's how it must have sounded); I wished I had made it up. I felt like I was in some kind of dream land, away from the reality of my world.
"I don't think that's the worst part." He muttered completely stoic, his eyes raking up and down my body. I started feeling self-conscious. How could the tone of the conversation have shifted so quickly? Maybe the rumors about men being pigs were true; I prayed not.
"And what is that?" I whispered, my guard coming back up while bringing the blanket back over my shoulders. It was a wasted effort. A blanket wouldn't protect me.
He seemed to concentrate on my body for the longest time, I wanted to do something, slap him maybe kick him, run, cry, anything.
"Do you really have to wear things like that on a daily basis?" Oh; I sighed in relief, and to my surprise, slight irritation. That was an effective way to deflate an ego. I looked down once again at my dress; it was tattered and covered in dirt. It was obvious he'd never seen a dress. Although, his 'pants' and 'shirt' attire still mystified me.
"Yes." Being short with him was my only option to retain some of my dignity, and here I was thinking he was staring at something else; was I really that self-absorbed?
"Wow…" He rested his hand on my shoulder in false pity. I wished to pull away, but his eyes bored into mine, immobilizing me. I sat still, waiting for him to say something."I'm sorry." He uttered completely sincerely. It was probably supposed to be funny, but it was true.
"You better be." I was dead serious too. He however began laughing. A snarl bubbled up my throat.
"So," He started, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. "Does everyone have a heart shaped necklace like that?" He pointed again; "Or is it a tag where so they can find you when you wander off from the pack?" I picked it up, admiring it on my own, ignoring his remark.
"No," I began feigning hurt, trying to mimic his kind of trickery. "This is all I have left of my father." Edward's manner went from joking and victorious, to regretful and sorrow. I repressed an incriminating sneer.
"Oh, I'm so sorry." He pronounced, his eyes full of remorse, I nodded, letting go of the necklace, letting it fall back.
"Your more tolerable when you're not spewing cynical comments every chance you get." I explained calmly, leaning back against the wooden bookshelf I was next to. Comprehension dawned on him.
"You're good." He grinned approvingly. A foreign fleeting feeling of pride spiked up in my heart; all because I gained the approval of a simple man. Actually, I beginning to discover that there was nothing simple about them, at all.
On this side, there were no designated number of colonies, there are just scattered villages with numbers; and when you lived here, you had to go out and scavenge for food. Men died each day for many reasons: bandits, starvation, suicides (which apparently happened more often than expected). He said that right after The End, most men were like a ticking time bomb, the ones who were going to take their own life, died at some point. It was only a matter of time (the thought depressed me) and then there were the murders.
He painted such a gruesome picture of The End in my head, I was grateful I was a woman; I never thought a situation would come up where I would say that.
Edward missed his Mother; I wished I could say the same. Edward said I was horribly uninformed of the male side; I could only pout at that. He was referring to the fact that I haven't even left this house (shack thing), and that I hadn't seen anything yet. I secretly wished not to.
His Dad kept a picture of his mother in his wallet, and as he grew up on this side, Edward would sneak into his wallet and steal it.
"I'd just sit and stare at it for hours, wondering what she was doing at that moment, remembering times we had together; my memory of her faded over time. The memories are almost all gone." Edward had explained, solemnly. Admiration is what warmed me as he spoke of his mother so dearly.
His father sounded nice, though I hadn't met him. I felt like I knew him from what Edward told me; it fascinated me the way he spoke of his father. He always spoke of him with this glint of pride in his eyes, and respect. He ran the hospital along with a dozen other men whom were doctors before The End; he was never home because the hospital make-shift and run down. It can barely stand on its own, the building itself is decaying. Edward saw it as a wasted attempt, but his father wouldn't quit.
"He cares too much about what happens to these guys to see clearly," He continued. "I suppose I have a tendency to look at things from a logical standpoint. That place isn't going to last more than a couple more years—if that even." He shook his head, no longer talking to me.
His brothers were always out and about, doing who knew what, that's why he says it was safe to keep me in their living room for now. Right now they were out on a scavenge that lasted for a few days; they had one of those once a month or so. And sometimes they go on short raids that lasted a few hours.
It was difficult to absorb this as true, it went against anything I was ever taught. This side was so different. Death was rare to me and if there was pain it was from me, for not liking the way things were going in my day.
I complained my life was boring, they complained they're life was harsh. I didn't really have a leg to stand on.
After that, he informed me that Jasper and Emmett would be returning from the scavenge and I needed to get in the basement. I wondered why we couldn't just explain the situation.
"Why can't we tell them?" I questioned; Edward knew about me, did he not trust this brothers?
He sighed and closed his eyes. "It's best we keep this—you, low profile, at least for now, and that means the less people who know the better." Finishing with a resigning sigh, his eyes dared me to object, and really I couldn't. Plus, I didn't want to risk his brothers having different opinions on my temporary residency in their home. I wouldn't have been able to handle an argument.
So now, I stared out the window, absorbing the environment that was the men's side in the little time I had. Bums sat on the corners of the streets, which were filled with pitiful looking homes. Edward explained that some of the people who were richer before The End had decent enough homes; I suspected something a little lesser than my own, but to my revelation, there were three story houses.
I watched as the sun disappeared over a different horizon than what I was accustomed to, I was used to watching the sun disappear over the horizon that was The Wall. I never saw it to be very fair, how the sun got to be on both sides, and was never contradicted for it. I held an unjust jealousy for the sun.
The clouds were colored a brilliant mix of pink, orange, and red; I always wondered why that was. Maybe a farewell to the day? Or a greeting to the night? Alice teased me for having these stray thoughts that made almost no sense; a dull aching rang through my heart.
I missed her dearly. Although it had been a day (and five hours according to someone), I was empty without her constant snarky input on everything.
In this wild situation, it was nice to be alone for once, though. I had a chance to collect my thoughts for the first time without being carefully observed by a curious eye.
Maybe this wasn't for me, maybe it was accident I came here; or I was almost positive it was an accident, because surely I wouldn't come here on purpose. Alice was the type for adventure, she'd probably fare better in my place.
I longed to be back on my own side, even if this one was intriguing, I didn't belong here. I would go back now if I could remember how I got here, as far as I knew it was impossible to cross.
Which made me think, how did I get here? Did I go over? If so, how? None of the buildings are near tall enough—could I have climbed?
What did I do to achieve the impossible?
Groaning, I grabbed my hair in fury once again at my own brain's refusal to cooperate.
"Stop that," Edward's voice echoed as he walked into the room. "If you open up your wounds, I'm not cleaning up the blood."
"Hi to you too." I greeted dryly. His lips pulled back into a crooked smirk.
"You looked like you were thinking really hard about something, and you were about to have a seizure." He came and sat down beside me, watching the setting sun as well. "Wanna talk about it?" He inquired uncomfortably.
I shook my head, "Not really." Breaking eye contact, and turning my head away.
"Alright." He turned his head in my direction and grew silent, staring out the window as well.
The silence was deafening, but I really didn't feel like I revealing my thoughts. He began to turn away from the window and played with his fingers, letting out little 'hmm's every once in awhile. He'd raise his head for a second, staring off into space, then it'd come back down. I tried to ignore it, but I found myself wondering what he was thinking.
Finally, it was too much.
"What?" I asked, quietly, not looking at him, slowly becoming self-conscious.
"Nothing." He muttered, not looking at me either, a flash of irritation passed through me.
"Come on, you know that's a lie." I sighed defeated, and fixing my gaze back on him.
"Just thinking." He shrugged.
"About what?" I turned my whole torso to face him now, he faced me too.
"This whole 'penny for your thoughts' thing is a two way street." He informed me, quirking an eyebrow.
"Huh?" What a strange saying, I'd never heard of it (just one more thing about this side that perplexed me). He looked at me in a funny way for a second before closing his eyes.
"Never mind, I meant my thoughts come with a price." He exhaled as he said this, as if he were dealing with a child.
"Such as…"
"Your thoughts."
I shook my head, gaining back my train of thought. "Not worth it." I turned back to the window, feeling a small victorious smile crawl on my face. "Why do you wanna know so badly anyway?"
"I'm hurt." He murmured feigning pain. "I'm just trying to gain knowledge. For the sake of science." And then something serious passed in his emerald eyes. "You're very hard to read." He exhaled, and for some reason, his breath in my face made me lose my train of thought. I was dizzy with some sort of unknown pleasure.
"Fine," I muttered vengefully, praying he'd understand and not be offended. "Well…you see," I stopped myself… would it be safe to tell him about Alice? I sized him up, his eyes unknowing to what I was thinking at that moment. I supposed it couldn't hurt. "I have this friend Alice, and I miss her…I was just thinking about how," I held my breath. "She'd be better in this situation than I."
"How?" He pressed, his eyebrows furrowing, confusion painting his demeanor.
I said looking down at my fingers, beginning to play with them. "I'm not the adventurous one, the one who does things like this." I didn't want to elaborate, but he just wouldn't have that.
"Does things like…" He forced, I wanted to growl in frustration.
"This," I threw my hands out, letting out my wild emotions. "This side, I'm the one who sits at home and knits, while she is spontaneous, and risky. She's the fun one, I'm the boring one. She's everything my Mother wants me to be, her skin is flawless, and her hair is shiny. She's perfect." I finished, Edward was silent. I didn't look at him, and he didn't look at me.
After a minute he said something nobody has ever said to me. "Yeah, you're right."
"What?" I whipped around to face him, I was positive my mix of confusion and curiosity was plain on my face; he still looked out the window.
He spoke again, chuckled. "You're completely right; your friend would definitely do better."
"Hey, I'll have you know that—" I started.
"If you're fishing for sympathy, you might as well give it a rest, that's not what I'm here for." He finished, arrogantly; I grunted, unhappy and humiliated. "I'm here to make sure you don't get yourself killed."
"I'm truly having deep self doubts and you call it 'fishing for sympathy'?" I shrieked, trying to stand my ground.
That brought me to another point; all the times Edward had shown some form of kindness, it was overshadowed by his utter discourtesy.
"That's not the point." His voice had no inflection. "The point is that this is a serious situation, and we can't afford the luxury of self doubt."
I threw my hands up in the air. "And you think this is just a walk in the park for me? I'm sorry but I think I have the shorter end of the stick here."
He turned to me, eyes ablaze. "From what you told me, you've never had wildlife experience; am I correct?" Where was he going with this?
"Yes." I admitted carefully.
"That means you have different ways of surviving on your side than on mine." He leaned closer to emphasize the point. "You're in my world now, honey. And in my world, you have to put in a little effort to make it through the day. As in, if you hesitate, wait, or panic, you die. If you have the time to doubt yourself, you're already too late." He explained as if it were basic math.
"I'm not following you." The crippling bewilderment angered me.
"I'm saying, you have to keep moving and never doubt yourself, to stay alive. To just go on your instincts."
Never doubt yourself? That seemed like an impossible task. "I don't think I'm strong enough for that." I breathed, my venom melting away.
"You don't really know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." His voice aged, changing from provoking to serious.
"It's harder when you have nothing to be strong for." I mumbled to the floor. I heard shuffling and suddenly he was facing me, his face only a foot away from my own, I couldn't pull away even if my thoughts weren't so jumbled so that I could even imagine wanting to.
"What's the most important thing to you? Who's the most important person in your life?" He asked genuinely, my mind raced. What was the most important thing? Before, I supposed I would have said Alice, but knowing I might have a father and might have an actual purpose, seemed to overshadow her. It made my stomach wretch, I felt like I was betraying her. But I had to be honest with myself.
This necklace has given me a mission, something to look forward to. The father I never had.
Suddenly the idea of running back over to my side like a scared little girl didn't seem so appealing anymore. My heart welled up with the knowledge of purpose…I had a purpose. It sounded better than I ever dreamt.
"I'd say," I displayed the necklace. "Finding my father." I smiled, Edward quirked his eyebrow, contradicting me.
"You seem to be fond of your friend too, as far as I'm concerned, you're allowed to have two important things in your life, or as many as you want." He had picked a piece of metal on the floor and was now spinning it on the window sill. His words were like a breath of fresh air.
"Alright, Alice is important to me too." I acknowledged.
"See, you do have something to be strong for, two even. Look how helpful I can be when you let me." He concluded with a smile. "Sometimes you just make it too easy." It had a kindness to it, not a mean edge.
"What about you? What's the most important thing to you?" I asked, turning the tables out of a loss for words.
The smile disappeared from his face. He obviously hadn't been expecting me to counter with the very question he had thrown into the circle. He didn't speak for the longest time; I held my breath.
"My family, the people I love." That one sentence packed so much meaning, so much honesty, I was in awe. His brothers, his father; his mother who was on my side. "I'd die for them." He added. I looked swiftly away from his genuine confession, I never would have been able to admit something as personal as that after knowing him a day.
I wasn't sure if I could say the same for my mother, maybe Alice but that was the closest I'd get to that. It must be nice to love someone so dearly like that, and to be loved. His family was lucky, the people he loved were lucky. He was loyal to what was important to him and would stop at nothing to protect it.
I felt the faint pang of envy deep within my soul, I wasn't sure if was for him, or the ones he would ride to hell for.
Edward seemed to jump when two lights appeared in the distance. "That would be Jas and Em." I would have referred to them as Jasper and Emmett. I only used others' nicknames to those near and dear to me.
"I guess I have to retire to the basement, huh?" I sighed, getting up and pulling the hood of the cloak back over my head, hiding my identity.
"Yeah." He said apologetically, and grabbing a blanket and a pillow and led me to a corridor with a lone, wooden, door at the end. I straggled nervously at the end of the hallway. When he was halfway down it he looked back to see I hadn't followed, he smirked.
"Come on."
He reached out a hand to me; I bit my lip and started marching down the corridor and past his offering hand toward the door. He muttered an 'alrighty then' when I ignored his jester. He caught up to me and opened the door to a steep, dark staircase.
I stopped again; he half laughed half sighed and began pulling me down the stair case in the dark. It amazed me how he could see down here; I was as blind as a bat. After about five seconds I felt Edward stop, I hesitantly felt the ground in front of me with my right foot in case there were more stairs. I felt the roughness of what felt like stone, but different in a way.
"It's concrete." He stated, answering my internal question, how did he know that?
"Oh okay." I truly hadn't the slightest clue what this 'concrete' was but in an attempt to save my pride I pretended to know what it was. I had to keep up an image around here, for as long as I would be here, which hopefully wouldn't be for long.
He guided me to the little cot he'd thrown together; I was blind down in the hot and sticky room that was my temporary home. It was surprisingly comfortable, and I was suddenly very tired. I turned to bid him a goodbye, but I saw the light coming from the door brighten, then disappear completely, barley catching the 'good night' he'd uttered.
Going to the makeshift bed, I turned on my side, shuffling through the new environment in my mind.
Meeting a man hadn't gone how I expected, in the least; in fact I hadn't expected much of anything. But, it had gone better than it could have. Before, Edward had explained that he'd have to tell his father of my existence, for he could keep the secret from his brothers (as long as they remained safely in the dark), but keeping it from his father was a near impossibility. The occasion of meeting him was both something I anticipated, and wished would never come.
Flipping over on my back with a groan, I stared up at the invisible ceiling, trying to make out any kind of shape—coming up unsuccessful.
I began to imagine. Imagine what would it would be like if Edward had been in my place, though I didn't know him well, I got a good read of his personality. He didn't seem too complicated. Despite the many humorous scenarios I had dreamt up, I continued to ignore the only realistic one. The one where Edward gets over walks about three feet, then gets hog tied by the Hawks and dragged by his feet to jail.
I sat up, and beat the pillow with my fist, gradually finding it very flat and uncomfortable. At least I hoped it was a pillow. It was truly sad how lost I was without my sight, I'd die horribly in the wild. My survival skills weren't at their highest peak, as Edward had guessed correctly.
I could vaguely hear the sound of the front door opening and closing once more, and two more male voices. My heart jumped; their voices sounded different, they astonished me almost as much as Edward's had. I supposed I'd have to live with it for now. I secretly prayed I could get back to my side.
What if I never got back? The awfully real possibility danced in my mind, mocking me, taunting me. That couldn't happen; I had to get back somehow. I got over once, I could do it again. But how? I despised how I couldn't come up with any logical answers to that question; I feared the constant worrying would kill me eventually if the side itself didn't.
I couldn't live on this, side; no, it wasn't feasible. The thought was almost entertaining, if the fact that it could be true hadn't been tormenting me, rotting me from the inside out. I would miss Alice too much, my teachers, my everything. I would be found out, killed, thrown in whatever jail they had here. I now deeply regretted complaining so much about my life on that side; I would take it back now happily. Take it back with open arms.
I still clung to the hope that this was all one big, terrible, nightmare I would wake up from.
Edward's caring face appeared in my mind, the look he gave me when I was blurting my thoughts out to him without my personal consent, the look when he was observing, and thinking. Although he had been hospitable, I would trade it to be back to my life. My side. My world.
Perhaps when I awoke, I'd keep Edward in my memories, even if it turned out he was a figment of my imagination. I wished that were true.
I sat up, once again, and got on my knees, flipping over to lay on my stomach and curling up into a ball. I threw the blanket off my body, due to the clammy heat of the room.
It appeared that I wouldn't be getting any sleep. "Great." I mused to myself.
I was suddenly drowning in a sea of discontent, doubt, and a strange new feeling of ease I didn't even hope to comprehend. I found only one place for the feelings to go.
I began to weep into the flat pillow.
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"I'm sure you don't want to be here forever." He looked up to me, with an unfathomable expression.
"Definitely." I answered flatly, wishing him to go on. I was excited by talk of leaving.
"We can't go out during daylight." He muttered; my heart sank. I'd have to spend a whole other day here, at least. "Plus, your wounds have just started healing."
"The medical care on my side is just fine thank you." I spat, the image of leaving this side filling my heart with impatience and anxiety.
"I'm not saying it's not." He responded irritated, his eyes hard.
"I have to get back to my side." The heart necklace around my neck felt as if it were burning, but I ignored it, refusing to let anything hinder my chances of getting home.
"I just have one thing to ask." He said, putting his hand to his forehead. I didn't reply, I just stared, waiting.
"What do you hate about this side? Why do you hate this side so much that you can't spend more than five minutes without going into an emotional breakdown?"
My heart rose to my throat unable to find an answer.