A/N:
Slight spoilers for the next episode (but mostly me going off on an obviously incorrect tangent based on the Christmas tree farm photos) ahead.
…
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you
And I don't wanna fall in love
This love is only gonna break your heart
And I don't want to fall in love
This love is only gonna break your heart
Nobody loves no one
…
He closes his eyes, leans his head back against the headrest, and drowns in the sound of Chris Isaak.
It was another brutal day. Another brutal glee practice. It's been a week since he broke up with Rachel. And time is not healing the gaping wounds whatsoever. It's been an ordeal to get out of bed every single morning, it's like he doesn't have a reason to wake up anymore. Which sounds so freaking lame and dramatic, he's not a freaking 12 year old girl.
But Rachel was his everything.
He wishes he'd never met her. That she'd never opened those perfect lips of hers and he'd never heard that perfect voice and he'd never been bewitched by all of her passionate beautiful shining perfection. That he'd never looked into those huge espresso colored eyes and let himself fall into them. Because then he'd never have to feel this way.
He thought he'd never feel worse than after finding out that he wasn't the father of Quinn's baby, but somehow, this is so so much worse.
Because it's Rachel. The girl he honestly thought was his one true love. They were gonna fucking get married, they were gonna love each other until the day they fucking died. But words and secret looks obviously didn't mean anything to her. Because if she had ever loved him to begin with, she'd never have done this.
The song ends, and he opens his eyes, twists the key in the ignition, and gets ready to run some errands. He's just going through the motions. He wonders when he'll feel like a whole human being again.
…
She freaking followed him to the Christmas tree farm. She followed him out of the school parking lot and tail gated him the whole way. She's so freaking crazy. But he loved her crazy. Fuck. He still loves her crazy. That's why he wants to run away right now.
He gets out of his car. She gets out of hers.
"Can I help you?" she asks in that small voice of hers, with those big brown eyes that could melt hearts of stone.
He nods dumbly. He still hates her. But he loves her more.
…
The world was on fire
No one could save me but you.
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
…
They walk through the lot of the Christmas tree farm in silence. She's prepared so many speeches, but they've somehow slipped her mind. She's finally gotten him alone, what if she says the wrong thing and wrecks everything again?
Finn breaks the silence suddenly, stopping in front of a particularly large pine.
He looks at her for the first time since she parked her car next to his. For the first time in the last week as a matter of fact. And when she looks into those soulful burnt caramel colored eyes, sees the freckles she's been too far away from to see lately, and smells that scent that floods her brain with a thousand memories of love, excitement, comfort, and glee- she loses her mind (as always) and stands on her tiptoes and kisses him.
First she feels surprise, then hesitation, and then the vigorous response. Elation is an understatement to describe the joy in her heart right now. His lips are so warm, so right, that she could cry from relief.
His hands grip both sides of her coat tightly, squeezing her waist and pulling her up against him, and he leans down and further bruises her lips with his.
He's never kissed her this way before. It's almost as if he wants to punish her. The edges of his teeth keep chafing at her lips, and his tongue is plunging like mad inside her mouth. He's usually all gentleness and uncertainty, waiting for her to make the first move, not wanting to push her beyond her limit. But not right now, not tonight.
And it feels amazing. More than amazing.
One of his hands moves forcefully to cup the side of her face, to keep her head still, as he continues to attack her lips. Her hands rest limply against the front of his bubble vest, and she's extremely thankful that he's holding her so firmly, because she's almost positive her knees have buckled. It's freezing outside but her body's alit with delicious flames. Their bodies are so pressed together, that it hardly feels as if the thick layers of clothing between them are even there. He's kissing her like there's no tomorrow. As if it's their last kiss.
And then in a flash he lets go of her and pulls away, and she stumbles back and almost falls down on her butt (yup, her knees definitely buckled). She's undeniably lightheaded.
He growls angrily, she's never heard anything quite so feral come out of his mouth.
"You shouldn't have done that," he tells her angrily.
"I- I-" she pulls a Tina Cohen Chang, because she hasn't recovered from the kiss of a lifetime he just gave he.
"Why did you follow me here Rach?" he asks darkly.
She finally gets the courage to look at him, but he's already backing away, as if scared of his own anger.
"You won't answer any of my calls," she answers, her tone desperate, "You locked yourself in your room when I went to your house to visit you, and you ignore me every day at school. I had to do something drastic."
Her voice quivers, partly from the cold, partly from her re-broken heart. Finn avoids her gaze by grabbing a branch of needles from a Christmas tree to shred furiously.
"I thought we said everything there was to be said last week," he replies coldly.
"Just hear me out?" she begs, "Please."
He picks the last couple of green needles off the branch and flicks them off.
"Fine," he says, running his hands through his hair.
"Thank you," she says, taking a deep breath, "I don't really know where to start. Or how to apologize for something so gruesome. But I guess the only way to explain it is…" she pauses, recalling something significant, "Remember the lyrics to the song we sang last week? After sectionals? Well there was this one part," she takes another long breath and recites, "And I never wanted anything from you, Except everything you had and what was left after that too," she looks at him pleadingly, hoping against hope she'll get through to him, "I wanted everything from you Finn, I wanted you to be mine and mine only, but Santana took something of yours that you can never get back. And when I realized I'd never get to have that part of you, I was so upset, I wanted to make sure you'd never get to have that part of me too. But I was so blind Finn! Because you're the only one who I'll ever give that gift too, honest. It will never feel right with anyone but you."
He looks at her like he's seeing her for the first time.
"I just realized something," his brow's furrowed and his voice is strained, "You're forgetting the rest of the lyrics," he stops a little, trying to recall them, "Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head. Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that," he recites sadly.
She looks at him, confused, and he continues.
"I think you're afraid of letting yourself be happy. You're so used to being alone, that you don't believe that anyone can really love you. But guess what? I loved you. But you had to ruin what we had because you were so scared I'd ruin it first. But I woulda never ruined it Rach, because I thought we were apart of something special, but I was wrong. And I should have known better than to think that I could live happily ever after with a girl who refuses to be happy."
Clusters of tears are coursing down her cheeks.
"Please don't do this," she pleads, as he starts to leave, "Don't walk away from me again!" she yells. He doesn't look back.
...