Chapter 8

Ryan was woken in the morning by the sound of dishes being scraped and thrown in the sink…loudly. He got up from his chair and went to the kitchen to find Taylor scraping the uneaten chicken into the garbage disposal and chucking the plates in the other sink. He stood in the doorway staring at her for a moment.

"I'm sorry" he said quietly.

"Sorry all this food was wasted, or sorry you totally disregarded me in possibly one of the biggest decisions, you (or what should have been 'we') could ever make?" she snapped.

"Both" he said. "I just had to do this and I don't understand why you don't get that."

"I get it, I do. I don't want you to think I don't understand or I don't want Nate here." she said, softening a little. "But, I don't get why you didn't feel you should discuss this with me first, and I started thinking that if you could do something like this now, what would our married life be like?"

"What do you mean?" Ryan asked. "Are you saying because of this one thing, we shouldn't get married?"

"No, of course I'm not saying that, but maybe you should think about why you didn't tell me or felt you didn't have to tell me." There were tears welling up in her eyes. "Last night after we fought, you said 'I love you, Taylor Townsend', just like you always do. I laid in bed thinking and tried to remember a time when you just said 'I love you' and do you know what I realized?"

Ryan put his head down trying to avoid her eyes. He knew what she was saying. "What?" he asked quietly.

"I realized the last time you actually just said 'I love you' was the night of the earthquake, and even then it was after I had practically forced you into it the night before. Ryan, even when you proposed to me after Seth and Summer's wedding, you said 'I love you, Taylor Townsend'. Why do you do that? Do you have to remind yourself who it is you love? Do you have to convince yourself who it is you love?" Tears were now falling down her cheeks. "I know I love you, but I don't want to do this if you don't feel the same." She turned to leave the kitchen. "I have to go to work. You do what you need to with Nate today and think about what I said."

"Taylor, I do…." Ryan started.

"Do what, Ryan?"

"Love you" he finished

Taylor rolled her eyes. "See you still can't say it. 'I LOVE YOU'. How hard can it be if you really feel it" She was sobbing as she grabbed her keys and walked out the front door.

Ryan stood in the doorway to the kitchen staring after her wondering why he couldn't just have said it. He did feel it, didn't he? He said it enough to her. Why did it matter how he said it? And why was this now about whether or not he loved her and not about helping a troubled kid? She should know that he'd only said that to one other person besides her. Didn't that mean anything? There was Marissa and there was her, never anyone else. He thought of Marissa, he only said 'I love you' to her and he knew he meant it then, but he never seemed to say it when he should have. He sometimes had nightmares about the night of the crash and how he should have told her when she lay dying in his arms. In his nightmare he told her and she didn't die. His love saved her and that was the nightmare. If he'd told her, would she have lived? Marissa, Marissa…why was he thinking of her, when Taylor had just accused him of not truly loving her? His head was spinning with thoughts, but he heard Nate coming down the stairs.

"Hey" said Ryan. "Did you sleep ok?"

"Yeah, great thanks. That bed is huge and the mattress was so soft. My bed at home is an old futon and the mattress is pretty much flat." He smiled at Ryan. "I know you said you'd get me up, but I was awake do I thought I'd come down."

"That's fine" said Ryan. "It's not even 7 o'clock yet. I have to go to my office this morning, so you can come with me and we'll try calling Ms. Hooper from there, ok? I'm sure I can find something for you to do so you're not totally bored. You want something to eat?"

Nate nodded. "I'm not real big on breakfast, but if you've got any cereal, I'll just eat it dry."

Ryan let out a loud chuckle and grabbed a box of cereal. He handed it to Nate and said "yeah, I'm more for dry cereal too. It tastes best if you just take handfuls from the box."

Nate laughed and dipped his hand in the box Ryan offered him. They sat for over an hour in the kitchen just talking about anything. Ryan talked a bit about Chino and how he came to be with the Cohens. Nate talked about his mom and how there was a time when she really did seem to be doing ok and she took care of him, but in the last couple of years, she seemed to get drunk or high a lot, usually before he was thrown out for her 'company'. He had become like the parent, often being the one to clean the place up or taking money from her wallet to go buy groceries. It broke Ryan's heart to hear Nate talk about his childhood. His own had been far from perfect, but he'd had Trey and they'd coped with their mom together. Nate had no one, and Ryan desperately wanted to change that.

"Oh, jeez, we're gonna be late" said Ryan looking at the clock in the kitchen. It was almost 8:30. "Let me go shower, shave and change real quick and we'll head to my office." He pointed to the rec room where the massive TV and Playstation were. "Knock yourself out while you're waiting."

Nate went into the rec room and was playing in seconds. Ryan hurried upstairs to get ready.

When Ryan got out of the shower, he called Julie quickly to tell her he'd be late and that he was bringing someone with him. He explained the situation briefly and she'd seemed quite understanding. Why was Taylor the only one who seemed to be taking this so hard?