Chapter 3
I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
Are you at one
Or do you lie?
We live in a wheel where everyone steals
And when we rise its like strawberry fields
Bush- Glycerine
One said, This is abnormal. Explain.
A second gray robe came into existence. This was the only way to describe its appearance.
It one universe, it was not there. And then it rewrote the universe to be there. And that was how it always was.
It said, We recall the glass clock. Many of us became individuals.
It said this in distaste, if an Auditor could say anything with emotion.
A third, appearing the same way the second did, added, What have we to do with it? All of us who inhabited a mortal body suffered death due to overwhelming physical sensation. Even the renegade succumbed.
One said, No, that is incorrect. Eight survived. Three perished at their own hands, the renegade among them. Four perished at the hands of true humans. But one…overcame the sensations.
The second said, Correct. It…he…survived to procreate with a human female.
There was a silence as the three Auditors came to a conclusion.
One said, This…produced viable offspring?
The second said, Yes. A human female, an…individual. Suspicion arises that the female may have abilities like us.
The third said, He knows we track him. His location is unknown. But the female is a cause of alarm.
The second said, Yes. She is companion to Death.
The third, who, among Auditor standards, would be nonexistent is it didn't watch itself, said, But what can we do? We are not in Azrael's favor.
One said, We have a plan.
"Nuh-uh. I'm not wearing lace and black when I go with you on your rounds just so your image is better. It's gray or nothing."
'NOTHING' IS NOT IN GOOD FASHION.
"The birthday suit is always in fashion. But I'd look like a complete twit in black."
YOU LOOK LIKE A TWIT IN GRAY, Death pointed out. Grace gave a loud harrumph.
"Well, I don't recall scythes being a fashionable travel accessory."
TOUCHE'.
"I can wear gray?"
WITH A MOTIF AT LEAST?
'Lilies, then."
DONE. I WILL SEND YOU WITH MONEY TO THE STORE.
"Which store?"
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT? Death asked, and little did he know that if he had been a mortal man, he would be bankrupt at this point. Or married. Although in this case the two went hand in hand.
"Oh, I'm sure I can think of one," Grace said, happier than she'd ever been in her life.
ALBERT?
Death's manservant was cooking an egg. Although a burning sort of congealing was also a correct term to describe the chemical process taking place there.
"Master, somethin' on your mind?"
YES. SOMETHING IS WRONG. I NEED A HUMAN ADVICE. FROM A HUMAN, Death added, as if it hadn't been clear.
The crusty old man got a sinking feeling in his gut. No good came of these things when the master got thoughts like this. No good conversation with the master started like this. He wondered what it was about.
"Well, master, what is it?"
I HAVE A GUEST.
"Is it like the plumber from last week?" Albert asked, remembering how wel it had went when the Ankh-Morpork plumber had been commissioned to hollow the pipes. It had been so funny and sad and at the same time, very creepy.
NO. DEFINITELY NOT.
"Well, can't help if you don't tell me, master."
A LADY.
"What? Here? You?" Albert was bewildered. He knew something had been terribly wrong. Death, the harvester of souls, the grim reaper, did not have a lady-friend. It was unthinkable.
"Master?" Albert said, pleading a little. "You aren't serious?"
I AM ALWAYS SERIOUS.
Albert, for all the world looking like Napoleon at Waterloo, said nervously, "Well, sir, I was a wizard, and a damn good 'un—"
YES, I KNOW THIS. WHAT RELEVANCE DOES IT HAVE?
"Well, wizards and women…..it's….I mean…well…taboo. Hurts the magical 'fluences."
Death was extremely displeased. Although his face was always grinning, sometimes it could also look very menacing. He was doing that to Albert now. And the manservant disliked the shade of blue his master's eyes were glowing.
OH, I SEE. YOU MEAN THAT YOUR WEAK SELF-CONTROL CAUSED UNWARRANTED THOUGHTS OF PASSIONATE SEX AND ROMANCE, AND YOU COULDN'T FOCUS, AND A WOMAN HERE THREATENS TO DO THAT WITH YOUR COOKING AS WELL. BUT YOU SEE, I AM SAFE FROM THIS; I DON'T HAVE GLANDS. WHICH HAVE A LOT TO DO WITH IT, I NOTICED. WHY ARE YOU SO RED, ALBERT?
"Er….right. Well, guess we can clean up the place, and mebbe add some colorful stuff. An' some lace. Women are keen on lace."
I SEE. Death said, in the thoughtful way he had said they'd needed good plumbing and ended up with solid metal pipes. I WILL GO AND GET SOME THINGS.
Death stepped out of the door from Albert's kitchen, and Albert sighed and looked at the burned, fat encrusted remains of the eggs he's been cooking.
Damn, he thought. And I just got the kitchen back to normal after Ysabell, too.
except Albert didn't hold with people who sat around clutching themselves in a dignified (idiotic) manner.