Chapter 6

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything

--Evanescence, Field of Innocence

They were all sitting down at Death's table in the kitchen. Albert was displeased, chiefly because the kitchen was…clean. Although over two thousand years old, he was still a wizard and an Ankh-Morpork native in his crusty old heart. Being able to see the drain in the kitchen sink had him horribly depressed.

Death was nervous. SO, he began, GRACE. HOW DO YOU LIKE THE HOUSE NOW?

Grace snickered. "You didn't notice me laughing, did you?"

YES, said Death mournfully, I DID. I MUST SAY, THESE WERE PUT UP WITH YOU IN MIND. Grace raised an eyebrow. "You thought I was a teenage school girl?"

Susan looked around the kitchen. "Albert?" she asked quizzically. "You don't match your kitchen anymore." Everyone turned an eye to Albert, who scowled, the drip on his nose more prominent than usual. Susan added, "Not that I mind, it's just that you aren't as...as..."

Albert replied, "I look a damn sight better than my kitchen, and that's that.

Grace smiled. "You know," she said absently, "Albert might look nice with a bit of a make-over." Susan, sipping some tea, snorted into it, and attempted, unsuccessfully, to look dignified after it. Death seemed to ponder this. WHY WOULD ALBERT REQUIRE A NEW APPEARANCE? TO MY KNOWLEDGE, THIS IS WHAT UNATTRACTIVE WOMEN DO WHEN THEY ARE BORED.

Susan and Grace went quiet. Susan sighed, and said, "Grandad? A make-over is simply something you do to make something look better, like what you did to your house." Death looked offended in the way only an anthropomorphic personification can be.

CERTAINLY NOT. MY HOUSE LOOKS MUCH WORSE. HOWEVER, ALBERT, WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.

Albert rolled his eyes. "Now look-"

Death waved his scythe, and suddenly Albert found himself in a black suit, and one of the embarrassing wigs similar to that a judge or aristocrat would wear. He slightly resembled a penguin. His expression, however, had not changed, which rather spoiled the overall effect. That and the fact that the manservant gave Grace a venomous glare, and walked straight out.

Susan said, "Grandad, about Grace—"

Death beamed. YES, I NOTICED YOU AND SHE WERE GETTING ALONG. BUT WE WILL DISCUSS THIS LATER. I MUST GET AWAY FROM YOU (1)—GO ON MY ROUNDS. Trying to pretend he had said nothing problematic, he quickly followed up to Grace. MISS TIPPET, WILL YOU ACCOMPANY ME?

Grace smiled, and said, "Sure."

Death did not immediately take her out on rounds. He was nervous, and he didn't like being nervous. They were riding around the grounds, and he had created a special area just for her. She was sitting in front of him, looking around interestedly.

He tried to make small talk.

MISS TIPPET, HOW GOES FINDING MATERIAL FOR YOUR BOOK? he hazarded.

Grace became animated and excited. "Oh, there's so much I want to write about, like how you do the rounds and how you actually usher the souls, the house, oh, and Binky, of course—"

Death lost himself in her conversation, as did all men who mistakenly believed small talk with women was possible. Finally, they came to the place he wanted her to see.

There was a quiet gasp, and Grace dismounted and ran over to it. Death followed her, and asked, WELL? WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT IS FOR YOU, IF…IF YOU WANT IT.

It was a small gazebo, surrounded by white ivy and black roses, made from silvery marble. Grace immediately went inside it and irritated, said, "Aren't you coming?"

Abashed, Death stepped in. Grace took a breath. "If I didn't know better…Bill…I'd say you might like me."

Death coughed. OF COURSE YOU KNOW BETTER, he said, rubbing one hand on the back of his cowl, feeling awkward. Grace's eyes narrowed. "It's a figure of speech. I mean that I think you might be a little in love with me."

OH, THANK THE GODS. I WAS AFRAID YOU'D NEVER CATCH ON. (2)

Grace laughed. "Bend down," she ordered. Death did, and light as a butterfly's touch, she planted a kiss on the chill bone of his skull, where a cheek would be on a living man. "You're so sweet," she laughed again. "Who would have thought it of the Grim Reaper."

And so gullible, one added.

And suddenly the gazebo was surrounded by Auditors, hundreds, and Death swung his scythe defensively, warding them away from Grace.

We care not for the half-breed, one said.

By Azrael's decree, we cannot eliminate you from existence. But we can do one better.

Death was bore up on the tide of gray robes that swirled around them and by them, and pulled him into the sir, suspending him, making him almost helpless. Almost. Occasionally his scythe would encounter an unfortunate Auditor, and slice if from realty.

The lead Auditor, if they had leaders, glided up to him and said, And now, Death will know life, gleefully as an emotionless embodiment of nihilism could be.

There was a crackle of lightning, Grace screamed, and then, terribly, so did Death.

NOOOOOOOOOOooooo….OOOoooooooohhhhhh…….bugger."

As the smoke and Auditors dissipated from the area, Grace saw him.

A naked man uncurled from the ground, with no hair at all, although not too bad looking for a middle-aged man, sitting on a tattered black cowl. His eyes were more blue than eyes had a right to be.

"I can feel," he said, incredulously.

(1) Death does not often let on his true emotions. However, in the light of Albert's shocking new wardrobe, he can be granted some leeway.

(2) No woman ever catches on that the man loves her. Not until it's too late. This is in fitting with stories everywhere, and also lead up to the famous Ankh-Morpork romance of Sosheau and Graztleena. Sosheau lived in a shack, Graztleena did not, and so she never noticed him. One day, however, he happened upon a very large diamond, and Graztleena consented to marry him. When his rival Dominiris threatened their love, Sosheau used the diamond to beat his skull in. Many a night an Ankh-Morpork woman wishes the story ended differently. The gods cursed the love, and changed Sosheau into an American Republican, and Gratzleena into a purveyor of Klatchian keychains. They had a child together, and his name was William Shakespeare.

Thanks to everyone who gave me reviews! Thanks for those who favorite the story! I know this isn't too funny, but it needed to be a little serious to advance my plot. If you guys have suggestions, let me know! I'd be happy to look at them!