Chapter 27

Marissa wasn't sure what it was that had possessed her to walk out of Seth and Summer's the night before. She only knew she couldn't sleep even though she desperately wanted to. When she slept, she dreamed. When she dreamed she remembered.

She had lain in bed willing herself to remember without sleep, but the same images she had experienced before repeated themselves like a bad infomercial loop in her head. If sleep wouldn't come she needed something else to kick start the process. She was overcome with a drive deep within her to go on a quest to find her past. If she could remember all about her past, she could remember everything about him, and then she could go forward knowing there were no barriers between them.

Marissa had decided that this was something she had to do on her own even though Ryan would have been more than willing to help her. She had left without leaving a note or calling anyone. When she had called work on Friday and spoken to her supervisor and explained her situation, she had been given a two week leave of absence. Her supervisor had agreed to oversee Nate's case personally and had assured 'Melissa' that it would be handled fairly. .

So, at 3 a.m. she had finally given up hope of sleep and had come up with a solution. She would go home, pack a bag and drive to Riverside to speak to her mom or Aunt Cindy or whoever the hell she was. Once that was resolved, she would go one to Newport Beach and soak in everything there and she would remember and things would be perfect. The only obstacle that she had failed to consider was that her car was still at Ryan's. So at 6:30 she had gone banging on Mrs. Clayhorn's door and literally begged to borrow her car. She had told a sob story of her car breaking down and she was to meet some friends 'down south' for the weekend, and she couldn't miss it. The old lady had been happy to help. In the back of her mind, she wished Ryan had come with her, but every time she saw his name come up on the call display on her phone, she had fought the urge to answer. She was doing this on her own.

Marissa had been on the road by 7 a.m. and figured with bathroom and food stops, she would be in Riverside by sometime after 1 p.m. Of course, she had forgotten to take into account the never ending rush hour that occurred on the maze of freeways that looked like a pile of spaghetti around Los Angeles. By the time she had navigated that and found her way to the slightly calmer Riverside Freeway, it was almost 3 p.m.

It had been three years since she had been to Riverside. After graduating from college with a degree in Sociology she had come home to decide what she wanted to do. Her 'mom' and her and not really got along well after the accident. Her 'Aunt Julie' had been in touch sporadically while she was in college and so she had decided to move away, far away without leaving California, and San Francisco fit the bill. Things did not seem to have changed much and she hoped that Cindy had not moved.

Marissa exited the freeway at Madison and drove past the high school she had been told she went to in her imaginary past. She hung a right onto Potomac into the tightly packed houses of the lower middle class neighborhood. When she pulled up outside the house she sat in the car for a moment and thought about exactly what she was going to say, but then decided she would just go with the flow.

As she approached the door her stomach did flips, but she got there and banged on the door with authority. The door opened and the two women stood and stared at each other for several moments.

"Melissa, honey, oh my god, what are you doing here? You know, I've been meaning to get in tou…" the older woman began but was harshly interrupted.

"Cut the crap, Cindy" Marissa said as she pushed passed her and into the house "and the name's Marissa."

"Oh shit" was all Cindy could think of to say.

Marissa moved into the living room and sat on the couch. There was a cigarette burning in an overfilled ashtray and the distinct smell of stale beer pervaded the whole house.

"I see your living habits haven't changed much, MOM" there was a real sting of contempt in the emphasis of the last word.

"Marissa, look, sweetie, we did what we thought was best for you" she started.

"Oh please, spare me the, 'we only wanted what was best for you' bullshit. Maybe I could get over that, if YOU or JULIE had acted anything like a mother, but you just pretty much ignored me and my real mother just wanted to be my best friend, and NEITHER of you felt the need to find out how my life has been going these past three years. So…tell me, what was the REAL reason for this big charade? Julie sure as hell isn't going to tell me."

"Ok, ok, honey, look, you've obviously got some of your memory back from before the accident so you'll know now that your teenage years were not the most carefree, dramaless times of your life. Some really terrible things happened to you, and they all seemed to have at least something to do with that boy from Chino."

"Ryan? Is that what Julie said?"

"Yeah, your mom was never really pleased with you dating him. She'd grown to tolerate him and was really excited that you were going to spend some time with your dad in Greece. Then the accident happened and she saw how Ryan was with you. He thought you died in his arms and he was devastated…I mean like someone losing the love of their lives devastated. It was a quick decision she made in the ambulance not to tell anyone that you weren't dead, firstly because then she wasn't sure you were going to live. But she also thought she could protect you from what had caused the problems in the first place…in her eyes, Ryan."

"But she didn't know then that I had amnesia. What was she going to do, lock me up in an ivory tower?" Marissa spoke with more sarcasm than she suspected Seth could even muster.

"No, no honey. She was just going to send you to your dad's anyway. Everyone in Newport thought you were dead, so they wouldn't try to contact you, and she figured she could find enough reasons for you not to come back or contact anyone there. The fact that you didn't remember when you woke up, just kicked her into another level. She saw the opportunity to right all the wrongs in your life. No more drama, no more danger, no more bad memories of a youth that no one should have to remember, AND a chance to reinvent her relationship with you, which was never the best."

"Fine, but that doesn't explain why she has now ignored me for the past three years or why she's business partners with the very man she disapproved of so strongly for me. Were either of you ever going to tell me the truth?" the tears started to well in her eyes and her voice began to break.

"Well, as you know, she had Jamie with Ryan's father, Frank. Ryan tried to warn her about him, but she wouldn't listen. I guess the fact that he cared enough to warn her off his own father, and that he turned out to be right, made her realize, he wasn't a bad kid after all. By the time she figured it out and they had set up their business she didn't know how to bring you back without creating the fallout that's happening now. She called me last night you know after she left you. She was hysterical. She sounded like she'd been hitting the merlot pretty hard too. You're going to have to talk to her at some point Mariss."

"NO! I can't. I won't. I…I've got to go." She got up to leave.

"Look, honey, I can see you've had a long drive and you haven't slept, why don't you try to take a nap here before you go wherever it is you have to go. There's something in the attic I want to give you."

The last thing Marissa wanted to do was delay her quest but she was very tired so she followed Cindy upstairs and went into her old room. Surprisingly, she found it just as she had left it. Cindy went down the hall and pulled the ladder to the attic down from the hatch in the ceiling and ascended into the attic. When she returned she had a dusty box with her.

"It's not much, but we did keep some things that we knew were important to you." She handed Marissa the box. "Take your time and sleep."

"Thanks" Marissa said quietly. "Cindy? Please don't call Julie. There's still a lot I need to work out on my own."

"Ok, hon". Cindy left the room closing the door behind her.

Marissa sat on her bed and opened the box to her past. On top was a pile of photos of her, Ryan, Seth and Summer at various events or times they had spent together. They started to create flashed again for her. She saw them all sailing to Catalina and playing on the beach. She saw her and Summer sitting on her bed or Summer's bed talking, never hearing the conversations, but knowing they were typical best friend talks.

Marissa continued digging through the box and found her high school senior yearbooks. Yes, she had two. One said Harbor and one said Newport Union. As she flipped through the Newport Union one she saw a picture of a boy with dirty blonde shaggy hair holding a surfboard evoking a cascade of memories.

Friends. Surfing. Laughing. Johnny.

Hit by car. Watching movies. Confession of love.

Cliff. Kaitlin. Ryan.

Dead.

The tragic end to the memory jolted her out of it. She felt tired but wanted to see what else was in the box. She looked and found just what she needed to help her sleep. At the bottom of the box was a Share Bear. When she picked it up it seemed like it was an instant comfort to her. She curled up on the bed holding the stuffed toy and almost instantly fell asleep and began to dream. This time, Marissa dreamed it all, the good, the bad, the truly horrible. It all came back to her, names that had been given to her now had events associated with them. Oliver, Johnny, Theresa, Trey, Julie, Jimmy, Caleb, Ryan, Summer, Seth, Sandy, Kirsten, Alex, Lindsey, DJ.

When Marissa awoke it was almost 8 p.m. and she had a renewed energy to continue her journey into the past. She repacked the box Cindy had given her and hurriedly left without speaking to Cindy again. She was less than an hour away from Newport Beach and was anxious to finish her quest.