Disclaimer!: I do not own full metal alchemist!
So the reason this is in italics is because it is two flashbacks of what happened. I was thinking of making it a dream but I figured that flashbacks would be better I dunno. And writing dreams is really annoying. Anyway. Here we go. I left them together and you get one long chapter… mainly because I am too lazy to go and actually like make two chapters outa it… and than they would be fairly short chapters… I dunno.. Just my brain works weirdly and I gotta got to sleep now… also song that kinda played through my head while writing this was "pretty girl" by sugarcult
Mustang looked at her, his eyes had clouded over and he looked at her but didn't seem to see her, his gaze continuing through her past her. Riza Hawkeye saw the change, and taking a deep breath walked over and tried to kiss him, tried to calm him down. She should have known it wouldn't do any good and that he would just focus his anger on her, hadn't it happened before? She was still so naïve.
"Roy, its okay, calm down please?" she leaned up and kissed him on the lips he smelled and tasted like alcohol, and she braced her self when he didn't respond to her but just grunted. And there it was, she fell back as he pushed her roughly away, she stumbled and fell against the corner of the square table that was pushed to the side of the kitchen, her breath caught in her lungs as she felt her rib hit the wood. She bit her lip, with his strength and the amount of force he had used she calculated that the resulting bruise would be a bad one.
She didn't know why she put up with this, maybe it was the fact that he was her commanding officer or maybe it was the fact that as much as she denied it she had fallen in love with him, though she wasn't sure if that was still the case, she had been beginning to dread these nights. And kept looking for a way out. She unknowingly retreated into her own mind as he grabbed her wrist slamming her against the wall and leaning in close his mouth angrily, hungrily finding hers, almost just as soon he stopped pulled away and she just went further away, she had stopped fighting a long time ago. That was it the way he kissed, the way she felt like he needed her. His eyes when they were filled with, well, no not anymore all she ever saw was anger. This was not worth it, a logical part of her mind screamed at her as she felt herself fall to the floor reaction to being pushed? She thought curling into a ball, she tried to think of a way out while wordlessly he kicked her with the heel of his combat boots.
It seemed like forever, or just a few seconds. But the feeling of impact to her side seemed to stop, and she dared a glance at him, he looked like he had just come out of a daze.
He was staring down at her, on his floor it registered faintly, she never would be there why? He closed his eyes and flashes flew in front of them, he stepped back and wanted to punch himself, he had done this, reduced the normally unbreakable Lieutenant Hawkeye, his Riza, his Girlfriend. He had done this to her, because he was drunk and angry and had lashed out. Again. He realized as he vaguely remembered nights, some he didn't remember at all and could only wonder. His anger from a minute ago quickly became redirected at himself, as he knelt down next to her and she looked up at him, her eyes stained with tears.
"oh god, I'm so sorry." he some how managed to choke up before reaching over to try and wipe tears away from one of her eyes. She recoiled as he reached out to her. And he stopped and drew his hand back.
She wanted to let him hold her and make her feel better, but she had come to the realization that she had to get this to stop and by letting him hold her would just make her want to stay, "distance" she told her self, and so she drew away from him. Like a ghost she pushed her self to her feet, watching as he still sat in the middle of the kitchen on the floor. "I should go." was all she said as she grabbed her adjusted her shoulder holsters. Why had she not shot him? She felt the placement of one of the bruises. And she yelled at herself for not taking off the guns. Because they probably made her fall worse. She than got her coat and with out a single word she left. Once she got outside into the cold winter night. She was able to buy a cigarette from someone and she lit it with the lighter he had gotten her back in ishbal. Before she quit, she realized she hadn't had a cigarette in two years. But she still carried the lighter around in case it rained and he needed fire. It was her job to protect him. She figure, but not like this. She walked home she hurt all over, in her heart, in her mind. And on her body
It had been a quiet day in the office Riza had all but ignored Mustang, she wondered if the other men had noticed a difference in her attitude but than she had become more withdrawn over the last few months so it was probably had just not noticed the fact that she wasn't joking around or threatening them to finish their paper work half as much. They probably liked that it had been so quiet.
Riza started at the document at the top of her pile trying to put the memories of the night before in the back of her head, under lock and key with everything else she suppressed. It was hard. She hurt all over a constant reminder of what had been going on god knows how long she had almost lost track of the weeks. She need to put an end to this, but she didn't know what to do, she couldn't tell anyone she couldn't request a transfer she had promised to protect him as he climbed to the top.
Riza thought of her best friend Rebecca, she had started to suspect something was up, she was the only person who knew that she and Mustan actually were involved the others had suspicions but most of those were only fueled by office place rumor, as well as knew better than to ask. And sleeping with her commanding officer was a huge breach of fraternization policy. It wouldn't have been as bad if it was someone of similar rank. That would have probably just warrented a departmental transfer so they weren't working directly together. But her CO? That was bad. She couldn't tell Rebecca though, not about the bruises. Sure she could say that they were having problems but Rebecca probably already suspected that anyway, and would question her further. Riza really did not trust her self to be able to hold her composure if Rebecca questioned her. Who else could she go to? She thought of Havoc but shook her head, he wouldn't get it. And she didn't want to dump her baggage on him or get him into any sort of trouble with mustang, since they both worked directly under him. There were no other options. She would have to take care of it herself. She hoped that she would have the guts to break it off with him by the end of the work day.
When quitting time rolled around Fuery, Breda, And Falman all left hurriedly, they apparently had a game of poker to go to with some of the other soldiers who lived in the barracks with them. Havoc left a few minutes later mumbling something about going down to the shooting range. Riza sat pretending to do paperwork while trying to boost her confidence. Before she could even think about getting up and confronting him, she heard mustang call from his office.
"Hawkeye, you still here? Please come in." Riza's breath caught in her throat she got up slowly and made her way into the office trying to control the fear she felt rising in her chest. When she entered the office she saw Mustang sitting at his desk a bottle of whiskey open next to a huge pile of undone paperwork, a glass filled with the amber colored drink rested on top of the paperwork. Riza hoped he wasn't drunk. She hung back close to the door. "Hawkeye. Its okay, I haven't had any yet." The expression on his face was pained. It was the look he wore when he was upset with himself or thought about Ishbal. Riza took a step further into the room.
"Sir why would I have a problem with you drinking? Its not like it is still work hours" she tried to act as if it was no big deal. He just gave her a blank look.
"Listen Riza, I.. I feel horrible about the way… oh god about what I've done to you. I care about you Riza I didn't mean to turn on you like that."
She wanted to scream at him, break down and tell him it was okay and that they could try again. He got up and walked over to her. "I want to make things right." he said as he went to hug her. She wanted to let him but she felt an emptiness in herself that she hadn't noticed before. She was done the self preservation instincts she had as a child kicked back in full force as he started to pull her close to him. She felt like she couldn't breath she struggled a little and pushed him a way. He took a step back, his face showing he was hurt. "Riza, please give me a chance?" she shook her head trembling.
"no not again, I'm not myself and I can never be with you, not after… I just can't." he looked like he wanted to grab her she took a step back and her hand trembled ready to grab her gun if he made a move. She couldn't believe it had taken her this long to finally do this and get away from him, he saw her hand poised above her gun and his face fell. She realized that she only had the confidence to do this because she had no hope left. She had given up.
"Riza, I'm so sorry I wish there was something I could do to take it all back.: He said. She glared at him willing herself not to cry.
"There is nothing you could do" she said her voice colder than she expected.
"I understand if there is anything I can do…" She shook her head "no" He took a deep breath not wanting to ask his next question but he asked anyway. "if you want to transfer… I can do that atleast."
"no I promised I would watch your back, right? I don't break promises, even if the person I made it to I let beat me up."
"you should have shot me or tried to stop me…"
"so its my fault now?" she glared at him.
"no I didn't mean that… just…I'm sorry…"
"doesn't matter now does it?" she asked and saluted him before walking out of the office. Shoulders held up chin high she saw him slump down in his chair and drain the glass of whisky out of the corner of her eye as she let the door close.