Happy Friday everyone! I want to start off my saying that to those of you that did review and let me know what you thought; I really do love hearing what you have to say. I did get alerts and favs for this story and I really appreciate those as well!

To clarify, the first chapter is the prologue. I am trying something new. Bella was the person who went through this but with her down the hall fighting for her life, her letters and journal entries will speak for her. Her entries will be dated and italicized. I have also written them like first person account instead of a normal "dear diary" format. We will be bouncing back and forth in time…Please, please let me know if this gets confusing.

The first journal entry is Bella's version of the last chapter of On a Dark and Wooded Path.

There is a lemon alert…if this isn't your thing go to the (*) and skip down till you find the other (*).

Once again I do not have a beta so if you find mistakes, forgive me. I do try and catch them but sometimes they sneak past me. Again if anyone reading this with experience wants to be my beta, I will be really appreciative!

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. © badkfare 2011

Enjoy!

March 5th, 2010 - EPOV

Hard, cold ground.

My head is throbbing and I can hear muffled voices.

I realize I can't see anything and I try to move but feel something holding me down. I can still hear still hear the commotion going on down the hall but I can't figure out why I can't see anything.

"Edward? Can you hear me?" My mother's frightened voice moves through the fog in my head and I slowly open my eyes.

I'm on my back looking up into all the concerned faces of my friends and family. Emmett removes his arms as Charlie tells the others to give me some breathing room. My head throbs and I realize I must've blacked out and hit my head. I remember moving to get to Bella's room but someone stopped me from going in.

Bella.

I sit up faster than I should and pay when I am overcome with dizziness. Mom crouches down in from of me while looking at my head. My eyes immediately move to Bella's door which has become eerily quiet. I try to stand but feel hands keeping me down. I look behind me to see the chief's grave face.

"Take it easy son," Chief's voice is gravely. "You won't do anyone any good to end up in a bed yourself."

I nod before turning back to my grief stricken mother. I want to ask if there's any news but I know there isn't any which I guess is a small consolation. I look over to the seat next to the one I was in. I can see Bella's box and I move my hand towards it. My mom sees my movement and gathers the box before handing it to me.

I feel hands under my arms before I am hoisted into the air and placed back into my seat.

"Try and stay sitting this time little brother," Emmett pats my shoulder before returning to his seat next to Rosalie.

I look inside the box and notice for the first time a journal nestled in with the letters and photos. I remove it as I hand the box back to my mom who is now sitting next to me. I open the journal and see the date July 18th, 2009. I bring my hand to my head to feel the small knot starting to form on my forehead. I ready my stomach and my heart to read the words of the girl fighting for her life down the hall.

All week I have felt off since I'm not speaking to Edward. I know the next time I talk to him I want to really be able to talk without me barricading myself behind my new makeshift wall I have started to build. I thought I would work through today and then talk to Edward tomorrow. Apparently Edward had different plans.

Sound asleep; I heard a noise that startled me. I jump out of bed to find Edward on the ground in front of my window. I listened carefully to see if his antics had woken my dad since I have no clue how to explain how Edward got into my room, not that Charlie would hear a single word before kicking Edward's ass. I glare at Edward as he gets to his feet and begins trying to apologize. I listen as Charlie snores loudly and I thank every god out there that he could sleep through an atomic bomb going off.

We talked and I start to skim the surface of what's boiling inside of me. I don't want to overwhelm Edward; hell with my luck I would bare what's left of my soul and he would take off for the hills. A guy can only take so much emo in one girl. His touch soothes me and his words of love comfort me into believing that we might have a chance of getting through this. Then Edward pulls me onto his lap and I know this guy could make me believe anything.

I give him the notebook and watch him carefully as he flips through the pages of our past. I only wrote up until I visited him in Chicago. I couldn't go any further than that. I mean one day I might try but something about writing about the darkness just seemed too difficult. I wanted him to have my words on the moments that have defined our relationship and even though his trip and our distance made us so much stronger, it also led to James.

Watching his face I felt a need in me so deep that I had to ask him to stay with me. Having Edward under me, in my room, on my bed made me crave him even more than I thought possible. The look on Edward's face seals my resolve. I reluctantly climb off his lap as he texts someone. When his eyes find me, I can't fight the burn in me as he looks up and down my body. I try to steady my breathing as he joins me on the bed.

Edward lets me take the lead and it quickly escalates to my hand on his erect member. I can tell you I have dreams about this and I thank god that Rosalie made me suffer through a very graphic but necessary conversation about the male anatomy. To be honest, my hand on Edward's body was liable to get the finished result but the fact that I could do it quickly meant I have some skills. Right?

(*)

Edward collects himself before giving me a look and telling me it's my turn. I am so geared up at this point that it's not going to take much to push me over the edge. I mean his hand on my breast while his thumb circles my nipple almost did the trick. Edward's hand leaves my breast before I feel it on my stomach. I can see the nerves on his face as he plays with the hem of my shirt.

I lean in and kiss him trying to give him all the courage I can. I can't imagine what he's feeling since I was a wreck and I had guidance. This is completely uncharted waters and where most couples jump straight to sex; we were going to take a different route. I don't want the same story as all the others; as funny as it sounds I want the movie version. What better way then to get to know one another's bodies.

Edward's fingers leave the hem of my shirt and are now trailing the waistband of my pajama shorts. Can I tell you how happy I am that it's a warm night. I pull away from his lips as I stare into his eyes. I give him a nod as Edward's hand moves under the band of my shorts and I have to fight every urge to pass out from just the anticipation. Edward's hand progress until a look of panic comes across his face.

"I have no idea what to do Bella. Help me," his pleading eyes melt me as my hand joins his. After Chicago I started to explore my body so I know how to help the situation along.

"There is a spot right here," our fingers find my clit as a moan escapes me. I close my eyes as the start of my blush quickly dissipates with the pleasure Edward is now providing.

Edward takes his time discovering this new area as he tries different patterns and rhythm. I try desperately to keep quiet but this is too much. Edward kisses me trying to silence me but the dual sensation of his fingers and his tongue is too much. Edward pulls his hand away and I nearly scream at the loss of contact. I glare at him as he laughs quietly.

"If you don't keep it down your father's going to kill me," his smirk knocks me over as I narrow my eyes at him.

"If you don't keep going I may just call him," I try to keep a straight face but I fail miserably as I am overcome with giggles. Edward leans in and kisses me before moving his hand to my aching bundle of nerves.

I close my eyes as I fight the need to moan. Edward's fingers begin to circle my clit as the burning in my abdomen starts. I'm panting while Edward watches the effect he's having over me. He leans down and kisses me passionately as his fingers gain speed. My hips move on their own trying to cross the finish line.

"I'm so close."

"Cum for me my love," his whispered words in my ear are the final straw as my body crests. I lean into Edward's lips as I moan out my release.

Edward keeps moving his fingers until I stop them. I'm so sensitive I almost yelp from the contact. I smile at him as his hand trails up my body till it's resting on my side. My eyes are heavy but I keep looking at Edward in complete disbelief of what we just achieved. Edward lays on his back before pulling me to him.

(*)

"I love you Edward."

"I love you too Bella."

Edward stayed the night with me in his arms and I couldn't think of any other way I would want to spend my nights. In fact if this is a preview to our future, then I can't wait for it to begin.

I could feel the tears fall from my eyes and I couldn't fight the smile at remembering that night. I also was conscious to keep the journal entry somewhat closed since I am sitting between my mom and Bella's armed father. I looked over at her door waiting to see my father, to hear the words that Bella was back and holding steady.

But the door didn't open.

July 21st, 2009

Self esteem is the villain to any teenage girl. I sit feeling completely overwhelmed as I glance in the mirror trying to come to grips with my new reality. My scars have faded enough that I'm not going to have Charlie pay a ridiculous amount of money to have them removed. I mean if there was actually a single person in this small town that didn't know the story behind them then it might be worth it but sadly I have been the center of gossip for the last couple of weeks and trying to erase the past isn't likely to occur.

I look in the mirror and I try to recognize the person looking back at me. I thought I knew exactly who I was but the reflection is a complete stranger and I'm not sure I like what I see. The reflection has circles under her eyes, her face is pale and her clothes are hanging a little looser then they should. Charlie has been really sweet about not saying anything but I know my appearance is starting to worry him. In fact I even caught him talking to Carlisle and Esme about me and I couldn't help but want to pull further into this hard shell I am building around myself.

I am struggling, fighting desperately to stay in the shallow end of the pool but the current is too strong and I am constantly being dragged to the deep end. I watch as the water engulfs me and my limbs are too heavy to break the surface. In the darkness I relive the events that have shaken me to my core. The events that are my constant nightmare and the events that has created the reflection in the mirror. I look at her and am instantly angry that I can't overcome this. I have survived a lot and I know with a little bit of time I too can survive this.

A knock at the door breaks me out of my internal self mutilation as I turn to meet a pair of delicious green eyes. There isn't anything on this planet that comforts me more than this budding young man. I immediately feel whole when I walk into his embrace as I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. His hands on my lower back send a current through my entire body and I can't help but feel brought back to life by his very presence. I smile up at him as his lips find mine and the only thought left in my head is his.

Edward kisses my forehead before taking my hand in his and leading me out of my room. We make our way through my empty house and outside to Esme's car. I greet her before climbing in the backseat. Edward finally got his permit and has to have a certain number of drive hours before he can get his license. I can't wait till Edward gets a car of his own. I can only think of the possibilities. Edward checks all his mirrors and goes through his routine before starting the car and driving us to his house.

The drive is short as I look out the window and tune out the conversation between Edward and Esme. I don't like to admit it but it's something of a habit these days. I have no attention span or maybe it's I have a hard time caring. I mean I love these people, they are my family but something in me is broken and I have no idea how I can pick up the pieces to put my once seemingly perfect life back together. We arrive at the Cullen's house and I can't fight the chill that runs through me.

I get out of the car and my hand immediately finds Edward's. After several conversations Edward knows how difficult it is for me to be at his house and having him connected to me in this way gives me a little added incentive to get through the door. I take a shaky breath as one foot in front of the other leads me into the living room surrounded by the chaos that is my family. Emmett and Jasper are loudly battling it out while playing Halo while Alice flips through her latest fashion rag. I smile at her before taking a seat on Edward's lap.

Emmett gets more and more frustrated before he throws his controller down and storms out of the room. The four of us laugh as Edward reaches down to pick up the abandoned controller. I slide off Edward's lap and take the seat vacated by Emmett. I pick up a random magazine as Jasper and Edward enter into the next game. I flip through pages finding nothing of interest before setting the magazine down.

I look across and see Alice watching Jasper before she glances at me. Alice before this whole nightmare started was my best friend but now I'm lucky if I can get her to actually have a conversation with me. In fact her moods have been so erratic that I have even distanced myself from Jasper when I noticed Alice glaring at me. I know I should talk to her about what's going on but I throw it in the bag with the rest of the things I have to do once I will myself to care.

I smile at Edward before getting up and moving into the kitchen. Emmett is eating something that looks like raw meat. I laugh at him since most people would take a walk or deep breaths to calm themselves but not Emmett; every one of his emotional upheavals can be solved with food. I watch as Emmett devours the last of his food while I get a glass of juice from the well stocked fridge. Emmett swallows and wipes the remains off his face before breaking into a brilliant smile.

Emmett is an amazing sound board. I know by looking at him you wouldn't think that but there's something about being a silent observer that gives him a wisdom that most people wouldn't know. We talk about Alice and the distance between us and how it's also put distance between Jasper and I. He tries to give perspective but I know that the only resolution will come from Alice herself. I know the day will come.

I ask Emmett about Rosalie and this is the only time that I see the gentle giant fall. I know Emmett is still beating himself up about what happened to Rosalie even though Jasper and I have told him time and time again that we all make our own decisions and Rosalie's choices are what lead her to where she is. But my heart does ache for the big lug.

I remembered that day. Bella was going through her zombie phase where she wasn't eating or sleeping. I took her to our meadow in the hopes of reaching her but sadly it lead to a weekend that seemed to kick off this whole awful situation.

July 21st, 2009

EPOV

I hate this. I fucking hate this entire situation. I have been living in a delusion that once I got my memory back that everything would fall into place. But sadly the only good thing about regaining my memory is now I know why my brother can't seem to let our sister out of sight without some sort of panic attack; or Alice who walks everywhere since the thought of getting in a car causes her to hyperventilate. Looking at what's left of my Bella sitting in my lap disappearing in front of me really is the most unbearable part.

Carlisle and Esme have all three of us seeing a therapist in Port Angeles twice a week; which is quite a trick since Alice practically has to be knocked out for the hour drive just to make it the doc's office. The drive home is good since the shrink has talked Alice off the ledge but any other improvement is slow. To be honest, whenever it's my turn all I do is talk about Bella and how I can help her. I want to make this all go away but I have this awful feeling like something more happened that she's not telling anyone.

I can't push. I tried that one day and I paid dearly with three days of silence. Whatever I do I feel like Bella retreats further from me. I'm losing her and the feeling of being helpless is driving me crazy. I look around me and I feel like I should be falling apart or suffering like the others but I'm not. I talk to Carlisle about it and he thinks that we all deal with trauma differently and my ability to cope isn't a flaw.

"I have this reoccurring nightmare. I am coming downstairs and I see you and you are walking out the back door to come here and I follow you. I walk across our meadow to find you in the arms of someone else. And the worse part is that when you look at me it's like you don't even recognize me, like I don't exist," my voice finishes in a whisper as my hands move to Bella's face.

"You are my world Bella and right now something is happening with you. I'm trying…" my voice fades as I see that Bella is far away and nothing I say is going to reach her. My heart breaks as I shake my head and loosen my grip on her waist. After a moment Bella looks in my eyes.

"Can you take me home now?"

There's no emotion in her voice and nothing behind her eyes. I feel the air leave my body as I nod slowly. Bella gets off my lap and stands next to me waiting for me to stand. I take a moment before getting to my feet. I lightly take her hand as we walk back to the house. My body feels like I went through a plate glass window. Everything hurts as each step gets me closer to my house.

How did we get here?

How did this happen to us?

One minute I was home with the girl that has the other half of my heart and soul and the next I am looking at a shadow of what our lives use to be. I keep the rage at bay as I try to focus on Bella but the pain is making me want to curl up and cry like a small child. I look at Bella and see that she's somewhere in her head. I can't even begin to say how badly I want to shake her, to bring some sort of emotion across her beautiful vacant face.

Bella enters the quiet house as I leave her to find my mom. I find her in her study. One look at my face alerts her that something is wrong.

"Edward? What's going on?"

"Bella…" I take a breath to steady myself. "Bella wants to go home."

My mom says nothing as she comes around her desk to wrap me in her arms. I don't tell my parents everything but my mom is just as concerned as Charlie and I are about Bella. In fact talk of an intervention has been mentioned a few times especially since Bella's appearance seems to be getting worse. I let a few tears fall as my mom reaches for her car keys.

"I will take her home, you stay here," my mom's voice tries to comfort me but nothing is going to do that.

My mom leaves the room and I listen as she collects her things and Bella before leaving the house. I watch as my mom pulls away with my heart next to her. I am overcome with emotions as I leave the study to make a beeline for my room. I pass Alice and Emmett on the way to my room. Both give me concerned looks but say nothing as I quicken my pace. Once in my room I close the door and throw myself on my bed.

I can't decide if I want to scream or cry. I could do both but the testosterone in me is fighting the tears every step of the way. I bury my face in my pillow and start to scream. I grip the pillow with my fists as I start to pull at the innocent material. I need to make something feel as awful as I do. My screaming keeps up for a few minutes that I don't hear my door open. I am unaware until I feel the bed move.

I take a moment to collect myself before I look up to find Alice and Emmett starring at me in concern and love. I feel the tears now fighting their way out as I loosen my grip on my pillow. The silence is too much and I am vaguely aware of my brother's and sister's hands on me. I look at them hoping for something, anything but their eyes look just as pained and lost as mine.

"What do I do if she can't come back from this? This isn't my Bella and unless I'm touching her…I can't get anything from her. I mean there are moments when she lets herself laugh or just be and I catch a glimpse of her but then she's gone before I can enjoy her," my voice is broken as Alice takes my hand.

"Why won't she let us help her?"

"Because there isn't anything wrong with her," my brother's voice shocks both Alice and me. "I don't know about you guys but I don't know how I would be if I went through what she did. And to go to therapy and ask for help is pretty big."

"But Bella needs help I mean have you seen her lately? She keeps going on the way she has and she's going to be the living dead," Alice's tone is nasty as Emmett and I glare at her. "What?"

"Did you know that she's not talking to Jazz right now?" Emmett's voice has an edge to it as Alice looks away from both of us.

"What about it?"

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe Bella needed her friend?" my voice snaps at her as she stands to look at both Emmett and I.

"Look I need Jasper right now and it's important for him to be there for me so don't try and guilt me into this. Bella has plenty of people to support her right now," Alice folds her arms across her chest as her voice softens. She looks guilty and I feel a little bad for her.

"I was talking about you Alice. I watched the both of you today and you couldn't even bring yourself to say two words to her. Since when do you not have something to say?"

"I'm just so angry Edward and I'm having a really hard time not blaming Bella for that. I mean I know this wasn't her fault but I need someone to blame. I'm a horrible friend but I'm really struggling here," Alice's eyes fill with tears as she moves to Emmett's side.

"How are you doing Em?

"I'm ok. I mean I'm healing and going to the head doc and soon I will be joining the team for football practice. Life is getting back to normal for me but it's hard to see all of you struggling," the gentle giant comforts his sister as he looks at me.

"How did we get here?"

ESPOV

Looking at Bella's face breaks my heart. The dark circles, her gaunt sullen face, and her thin body make me want to wrap my arms around her and tell her everything will be alright. Even though, right now it doesn't look that way. I have never seen Bella like this and having to watch Edward and Charlie worry about her makes me want to fix this whole situation.

I escort Bella out of our house and to my car where I start the short drive to her home. I keep looking over at Bella but the same vacant expression we are all too familiar with is looking out the window. I reach over to take her hand and she smiles briefly before turning back to the scenery outside.

"How come you're heading home early today? Something happen between you and Edward?"

"No, I just feel like going home. Edward didn't do anything," her voice is cold.

"Do you and Charlie have any plans for the rest of the summer?"

"Nope, he's finally back doing his regular routine and I couldn't be happier. In fact he's going to be fishing this weekend with Harry."

"Do you want to come over this weekend and stay? We could go camping out at Salt Creek," I try to coax her to be involved with the family but I watch as she retreats further inside herself.

"No I have plans this weekend. Maybe another time," her voice is final as she turns from me.

I pull up in front of the Swan residence and am greeted by Charlie getting out of his cruiser. Bella nods before exiting my car and walking towards her house quietly. Charlie walks over to the car and gets into the seat vacated by Bella. We watch Bella walk in and disappear from sight as Charlie sighs loudly.

"How was she today?"

"I'm bringing her home early. She didn't say goodbye to Edward today…Charlie we have to do something," my voice is panicked as Charlie looks at me.

For the first time I look at Charlie's face. He looks as bad as Bella does as his shoulders slump forward in the seat. He looks like he's aged as the grey peppers his hair and mustache. A moment passes where Charlie looks at his house before turning back to me.

"I don't know what to do Esme. I mean every night since I got her back she wakes up screaming and crying for help. I had one night where I actually slept through the night and when I woke up I went to check on her immediately to make sure she was still in the house," Charlie's voice breaks as he's overwhelmed with emotions.

"She needs so much more than any of us can give her but she's now shutting everyone out. I thought Edward would reach her but if she left today without saying goodbye…she's disappearing Esme. Little by little my daughter is slowly becoming a ghost," Charlie breaks on the final word as tears stream from his eyes.

I can do nothing but comfort him with my hand. I let him have his tears and his moment as I look over this whole situation. Something has to reach Bella. It's not possible that she has gone to a place where none of us can reach her. Charlie takes another minute before composing himself. He takes my hand before looking me in the eye and I can see the plea of a desperate father looking for help. I nod before giving his hand a quick squeeze.

"We aren't giving up and you aren't alone in this Charlie. We all love Bella and we will do whatever it takes to bring her back to us," my voice quivers as I try to keep my emotions calm. I know when I get home I can collapse in Carlisle's arms but for Charlie I will be strong.

"Thank you Esme. I will be seeing you," Charlie clears his throat before getting out of my car. I watch him walk into his house before pulling away and making my way home.

In the car I call Carlisle to make sure he's on his way home. I need him after the talk with Charlie. I normally am strong for those around me but watching Charlie fall apart like that, so fearful for his daughter is just too close. These last couple of weeks has tested my beliefs as I have had to watch all my children struggle. In fact my inability to take all their pain away is almost unbearable. If it wasn't for Carlisle I don't know how I would make it from day to day.

Edward is on the front porch waiting for me when I pull up. I can see that he's been crying and my heart breaks. My strong son smiles at me as I exit the car. I pull him into my arms and feel his muscle relax as I hold him. It's like when he was little and he'd run into our bedroom after a scary nightmare. I try to soothe him but I know there's nothing I can do but hold him.

"How do I help her mom?"

"Edward you can help Bella by loving her and remaining patient with her. You thought Chicago was tough well sadly that was nothing. We can't force help on Bella, she has to want it for herself. So give her space and when she can she'll come back to you," it hurts my heart to say it but I can't let Bella take my son down with her.

"Are you saying I should break up with her?" his voice is a mix of anger and sadness.

"That's not what I'm saying but Edward where Bella's going you can't follow. Your father and I plan on supporting and helping Bella as best we can but I refuse to lose you to her darkness. So fight for her but don't follow her," I keep my voice strong as another part of my heart breaks.

Edward hugs me again before walking into the house and up to his room. I have watched him fall in love with Bella over the years and I know that losing her would devastate him. In fact I look at this situation and my fear is that we all might lose a part of ourselves with Bella. I silence my sobs until I can make it to my room where I can fall apart in private.

I open the door to see Carlisle sitting on our bed. I close the door and immediately move to his open arms. The tears surround me as my love comforts me. I can hear him humming to me to soothe my frazzled nerves as I cry harder. I pull back to look at his beautiful and stoic face. What would I do if it was Carlisle?

Carlisle's eyes plead with me to tell him what's happening. I take a moment to regain myself before taking a deep breath.

"How do we move forward?"

March 5th, 2010 – ESPOV

I watch Edward holding Bella's journal as if it's somehow keeping her alive in the room down the hall. This entire situation will have catastrophic effects on my family if Bella doesn't come through this. I have no words for the emotions and the exhaustion plaguing me. I try to comfort Charlie and Edward the best I can but I know that if Bella doesn't…If she doesn't pull through, I have no idea how we will move forward.

Please god, please don't take our girl away from us. Please give us the gift of time and allow us the opportunity to right the wrongs that have occurred over the last few months. Please allow my husband the knowledge to fix what's broken and my son the ability to become whole once again. God, we love this girl more than you can know…Please don't take my daughter away.

Renee, if you can hear me, please help us to keep Bella a little while longer. I know it sounds selfish but we still need her. I don't know if Charlie will survive her loss, a part of me knows we won't. Please, please, please just give us time.

Amen.

It's a sad way to end a chapter but I promise to make up for it with the next chapter. Did I confuse any of you? I know when I reread through this, it made sense to me but my mental status is always questionable! :P

I want to know what you thought so let me know and again, if you do, I will give you a teaser to the next chapter!

Till next Friday, have a great weekend!