I do not own KHR.

(As the title says… this chapter is really full of random thoughts that will cause the reader – in other words, you – to be confused… so an early apology for annoyance, irritation, etc…)

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No matter how hard she searched for an answer, it was all the same. She had betrayed Vongola. She was a traitor. That was what she was mortified of. But was that really the correct answer?

Is anger against Vongola something to be mortified of?

She started cursing Timoteo inside his head. Just what the hell do the old man wanted as an answer?

She was lying on the bed, blankets over her to provide warmth from the coldness of the room. She stared outside the window and she closed her eyes. Darkness. It was all what she saw. Then she opened only to be met by the sight of the ceiling. The ceiling. It was empty. Was it? Sure, sarcastically speaking, if you ignore the lamp up there.

Ah, yes, the ceiling. Hell do I care with the ceiling! Damn it, I don't know what to think anymore.

It had been days that she had not seen anyone she's familiar with. Her food was just brought in by some random men working under the Vongola. It made her all lonely. Empty.

She sighed.

Painful. That's what she was feeling right now. Pain? No, wait. It isn't pain but regret. Is pain the same with regret? What was she regretting? A lot of things. Like learning about Tsunayoshi being involved in mafia. She shook her head. No it's better if I knew things like these were happening. Being oblivious of what was happening inside her family was unacceptable. She vowed to protect them and yet...

Damn it, Tsukiyo. You were supposed to answer the old man's question.

Should she? Why is there a need to answer such idiotic question? He should know. All of them should know what she was mortified of. Were they that sadistic that they want it out of her mouth? That she was a traitor.

She sighed. It was useless she grumbled to herself.

"Arrghhh, man, of all things to think of…."

She didn't need to answer the question. In fact, she could just break out the room with the help of her newfound flames but she was just so out willed to do that. To tell the truth, she didn't want to use it again. And if possible, she would do some serious business of slamming her head on the walls to cause her amnesia but that was an uncertain and risky method. Not that being risky is a threat to her. She just didn't want to do it. Maybe, because she still valued her life.

Right. Her resolve was selfishness, right? Where did that resolve came from anyway?

She promised her dad to take care of her mom and Tsuna. And so she did. She always fought for Tsuna, sometimes even getting angry at him for not fighting back. She grew up employed under that 'family-first' business. And she grew bored. Her life was all like that. Thinking of other's sake but not hers. She didn't mind that. She was happy seeing that her mom and Tsuna safe anyway. She was like a robot programmed to protect and stay by their side.

But actually, Tsuna was always in peril, especially when Reborn showed up. Now, that she thought of it, she realized she'd been useless.

Damn you, Reborn.

So, there was a part of herself that she ignored. She didn't listen to the person inside her shouting for independence. There were shards of her who wanted to escape that promise she had almost dedicated her life to. She longed to feel out of responsibility. Now really, shouldn't she just blame her useless father for pushing that sense of duty to her? Seriously, her father should be the one doing what she had been doing all those years.

Basically, she was a selfish person. No, that's not true. If I were, I should have run away from them but I did not. Tsukiyo convinced herself with that.

And she betrayed Vongola. Out of her free will, her mind shouted. It seems like she had no fault at all. Right?

Tsuna didn't want her to be hunted by the Millefiore that was why he told her to side with them. In that way, they will never suspect Tsukiyo after they saw she had killed the Tenth Vongola Boss.

And his death was actually planned together with Hibari Kyoya and Irie Shoichie. If he had told her so, maybe, she had understood more. A thought entered her mind though. There were supposed to be no doubts when doing something. Besides, Byakuran might manipulate Tsukiyo to tell him the truth, and thus, the fall of the plan and the complete annihilation of the Vongola.

One more thing that mortified her was that if she was against the killing of Tsuna in the future, why had she just attempted to kill him just recently?

She sighed again. She took a lot of lives, too. She thought she was doing it for vengeance, for Fiamma's death but it seems like she had lost herself. To tell the truth, she had enjoyed slaughtering those heartless souls. But who was she to pass judgment to them? Maybe Timoteo was right. She lost her self easily. She was swayed by the sudden swept of circumstances and upon discovering her ability, had tried to do everything while feeling she was that superior.

But thanks to Fiamma, she had found her resolve. And to take things positively, she knew resolves can be changed. They are not constant.

Tears flowed from her eyes. Fiamma died for protecting her, and his family was even involved. She cried because of her uselessness at that time. True, she blames herself for their death but if it wasn't really because of her…

And Xanxus was angry at her. The man almost want her dead. He actually does.

She wiped those tears.

Momentarily, she was back to a deadpanned face staring at nowhere.

And she gave out a small laugh.

"Aaarghh!" She slammed herself to her pillow, and she cried again, shouting countless times in it. That way, they couldn't possibly hear her tiresome screams.

This is stupid. I'm going insane. She sat up, holding her head, as if she was caught in a headache. She wiped her tears. Then she ruffled her own hair. Out of an unreasonable anger, she took the pillow and threw it on the floor with a hostile incoherent grumble. She closed her eye trying to forget all that happened. Calming herself to a small extent, she opened her eyes and stared at the pillow lying on the cold floor.

How did she even got into Varia? Reborn sent her. The Varia was really scary (at first) but she had found out what Varia Quality is like. Risking your life in compensation of their comical theatre. Nah, that doesn't sound right. Actually it does. Rephrasing it, Varia Quality is all about having to enjoy the riotous yet comical daily life of the Varia in exchange of a fleeting life, hers for an instance.

And there was Belphegor whom she assailed with that pillow. And whom she found out to be her husband ten years later. Her heart suddenly throbbed fast.

No freaking way.

But Belphegor was always there… she can trust him.

Oh, yeah? What made you say that?

He made her rely on him. He once told her, right? Followed by a sudden confession. She remembered his eyes when she blew at his face back then. Cool, loyal, whatever. She wanted those eyes for herself. Or maybe, you wanted the owner of those eyes to be yours. She shook her head. Where did that came from?

"Just fall for me already. The prince orders you to fall for him." His voice echoed inside her head. She blushed at the spontaneous recollection.

Shooing those thoughts away, unsuccessfully, in any way, she looked intently at the pillow as if something was going to sprout from it.

"I hate the Vongola. I really do!" She shouted loud, intending for everyone to hear that. She wanted to make them know that.

Moment of silence that she granted herself, she looked at nothing in particular. She just stared, emptying her mind. If someone would enter that room at that moment, they will probably deem her insane.

She closed her eyes again, breathing as if she was meditating. Opening her eyes after a while, she smiled to herself.

"The Vongola is the pillow," she muttered in contentment. "I found my answer, old man," she said, taking a mental image of everyone in her mind.

Anger wasn't easy to let go, she knew that but eventually it will. She was that kind of person after all.

Easy come, easy go. That's how those feelings of resentment will have to be.