Chapter 11: Intimacy through Conversation

Most of the two weeks that Tony lived at Ziva's went uneventful. Mainly it was because Ziva had to be on cases for long hours. Ziva brought in a nurse to help Tony out. Tony didn't mind as he was just getting used to being in a wheelchair. He wanted to be more independent before being alone with Ziva. It made him feel more of a man. It was very Ziva-like to make sure the nurse was male.

Ziva was very accommodating in hiring a contractor to make more conveniences for Tony's accessibility. Food was brought down to his level. Metal bars had been installed in the bathroom to help him pick up himself to get on the toilet as well as the shower. Tony felt as independent as Ziva could make him feel. He knew she was trying. He hid his frustration due to pride mostly. He had broke down crying in front of Ziva two weeks ago. However, she broke down as well.

Neither was sure what that night meant. They didn't kiss again. Neither was sure how to approach that type of behavior with one another. Therefore, they settled into a routine without questioning it. However, they didn't share their new found fondness of each other with any one. Tony didn't sleep in the guest room. That was established on the first night. Ziva crawling in his lap made them both aware they needed intimacy in other ways and closeness of one another.

Therefore, from day one, Ziva had helped Tony into bed with her. Once his body settled, she snuggled up against him. She laid on his bare chest each night as they slept. They didn't undress or dress in front of one another. They laid each night holding one another. Talking was predominant. Secrets were even revealed. Emotional secrets that neither dared to mention before were now being unloaded on one another.

Tony pulled Ziva closer when the talks became serious.

"I can't remember her." Tony admitted when speaking of his mother. Ziva could tell it bothered him as well as saddened him. "Dad wasn't one to talk about her much. Of course, He wasn't around much to talk."

"I remember my mother fondly." Ziva was also saddened by that fact as well. "However, Eli thought mother made me weak. He kept me from being mother's daughter."

0o0

"Dad is a conman, Ziva. I don't think he ever had the money he pretended." Tony half chuckled. "I guess he even conned me."

"He is a Dinozzo. That makes him a charmer." Ziva flirtatiously smacked at Tony's chest.

0o0

"I told Jeanne I loved her after she played my hand. I didn't do it willingly. Paula had died. I was reminded that time was short." Tony recalled the memory. "Paula even said as much. I didn't want to hurt Jeanne. But I guess I didn't love her enough. I should be able to say it without being forced to do so. In the end, NCIS was more important than she was. "

Ziva snuggled closer with each talk. She needed him.

Ziva sighed. "I never told that to Michael. I suppose because I didn't love him."

0o0

"I told Gibb's 'NO' once." Tony whispered in her ear. "We were going on like nothing happened to you. I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed something. Even if it was only revenge. Finding you was so much more."

"I was ready to die. I didn't care that I was walking into a suicide mission. I lost all that I knew when I gave up the team out of stubbornness. But I knew mostly I turned against you. And I cared so much more than I wanted about you." Ziva caressed Tony's chest softly while curling his chest hair between her fingers. "I hated myself for caring about you and Michael at the same time. I hated that I couldn't save him. That it could have been you. I hated me at that time, Tony. Not you."

"I couldn't live without you, Ziva." Tony ran his hand over Ziva's shoulder and through her hair. "I didn't care about much after I thought you died. Losing Jeanne was easy compared to losing you."

"It was bad, Tony. Saleem ..the camp…it was bad." Ziva pushed herself deeper into Tony's arms. Security of being held by him was what she needed.

"I'm sorry." Tony whispered as he kissed the crown of her head. "I'm so sorry."

"You saved me." Ziva blinked back tears. "More than you know."

"I saved myself, Ziva. When I found you." Tony continued to caress Ziva to soothe her. He could feel her nervousness.

"I want to tell you something, Tony."

"Okay. I'm listening."

"I have been with no one since Michael. No one willingly." Ziva sighed as she shuddered against Tony.

Tony understood. She was saying that she was taken forcefully during her time in Somalia. He knew it probably happened. But hearing her admit it, made Tony want to kill Saleem again. Only this time it would be his bullet and not Gibbs' that shot the fatal shot.

"Ray?" Tony questioned soothingly.

Ziva shook her head no. Tony could feel Ziva's wet tears against his chest. "No. No one."

"I understand."

"No. You don't. I am glad we can spend time like this before or if things go beyond. I am not ready to be touched yet. I know that was years ago. However, I need to trust again." Ziva pulled herself so that she was perched on Tony's chest. She was staring sincerely into Tony's eyes. "I trust you with more than my body, Tony. I trust you with my heart."

"I love you, Ziva."

Author's Note: I am enjoying all the great reviews. Thank you very much. Shorter than usual but I felt a good place to stop.